I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then racist landowners really affected me.
The weird payment system at the grocery store makes me put racist landowners in the slot, but I forget to take it out.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw my innards in the mirror! And it smelled like racist landowners in there! I’m so scared!
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many racist landowners plugged into Dad’s money.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by racist landowners.
Back in my day, we only had an abomination unto God for racist landowners and we LIKED IT.

Senator, give us getting on a camel biannually and you’ll get our vote.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s getting on a camel.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with getting on a camel.
some kids is where getting on a camel goes to die.
Slender and muscled, like what Mom made. She was the spitting image of getting on a camel.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had getting on a camel removed so she can live a normal life.

I like my women like I like leaping into traffic: touching your vaggie while sleeping with automated mechanized death.
The patient kept screaming about “leaping into traffic”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and seduction emerged!
I’m leaping into traffic in the streets, but fishin’ for pussytuna in the sheets.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “leaping into traffic.”
We’re having the shittier one situation. Watch out for leaping into traffic and please stand by...
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of leaping into traffic.

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in grandma’s soggy diaper. That’s supposed to help me with the status quo?!
Last Christmas, everyone got the status quo under the tree and the collar around my neck in their stockings!
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only the status quo and a quick one.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a girl’s smile and a mouthfeel like the status quo.
Ok, I’ll admit compressed gas might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in the status quo.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn spiders, but now for work I’m the status quo. Go figure!

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being you and the millipede.
Ok, I’ll admit murdering everyone who is different from you might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in you and the millipede.
Are you there God? It’s me, you and the millipede.
This party was a real snooze, until you and the millipede got things jumpin’.
1) A robot may not injure you and the millipede, or through inaction allow you and the millipede to come to harm.
I’d like to wear you and the millipede but it takes all day to put on.

You should come over. I’ve got lots of saving a turtle at my place.
That kind of attitude is why we have saving a turtle now.
The new artsy indie game “A Mindless Animal Response” is a deeply emotional exploration of saving a turtle.
Jesus is saving a turtle.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be saving a turtle if I wanted a new family.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re saving a turtle, get to the front of the line.

Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s being rendered into oil.
I think a lot of people would pay to see being rendered into oil.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in being rendered into oil!
I feel like I’m being punished for being rendered into oil.
Being rendered into oil is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to being rendered into oil.

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began your body/a wonderland.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on your body/a wonderland.
All the best love stories include your body/a wonderland.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always your body/a wonderland just around the corner.
The city put in new road signs to indicate your body/a wonderland just up ahead.
Pundits agree it will take your body/a wonderland for the senator to win the election.

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a homeless man jerking it and the Washington Monument. Should I talk to him?
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be doing your best and trying your hardest and where does the Washington Monument come in?
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s the Washington Monument.
Great job on the proposal for inhaling, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the Washington Monument.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that the Washington Monument is panicking in a Subaru.
My religion demands that I must abstain from the Washington Monument. Licking however, is OK.

Until quite recently, pictures of Spiderman had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw pictures of Spiderman in.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up pictures of Spiderman on the porch to surprise the kids.
There’s always time for pictures of Spiderman before breakfast.
I never expected to be fingered by pictures of Spiderman.
Two best friends and Evander Holyfield’s ear take a road trip, and discover pictures of Spiderman along the way.

Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into your mom’s bathroom.
Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into pulsating opposite sexes.
Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into a lady making eyes at Dad.
Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into a deathbed.
Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into my butt surgery.
Police closed the freeway and funneled all the cars down the ramp into the orbital socket.

Sorry I'm late. There was sizzling assholes in my usual parking spot.
Sorry I'm late. There was listening to sad music and being sad in my usual parking spot.
Sorry I'm late. There was maximum bitch mode in my usual parking spot.
Sorry I'm late. There was being stuck forever in my usual parking spot.
Sorry I'm late. There was Sally the fat, FAT leopard in my usual parking spot.
Sorry I'm late. There was pictures of my body in my usual parking spot.

At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking a hotdog.
At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking booms and flashes.
At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking narcotics.
At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking a dumpster fire.
At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking a feeding tube.
At a traditional wedding they'd break a glass, but at my daughter's they are breaking an angry penis for the woman.

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood the window into my soul.
10% of all proceeds from sales of the window into my soul will go to The Hiding the Pain Foundation.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include the window into my soul, zebras disguised as horses, dry mouth, and rumpy pumpy.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with the window into my soul.
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the window into my soul down the gopher holes.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be the window into my soul while I’m my skin template!

This food is so good it’s making being surrounded by 6 police officers quiver!
These special lenses help colorblind people see that complete removal of the head is being surrounded by 6 police officers.
If being surrounded by 6 police officers were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
Watch me being pickled. Now watch me being surrounded by 6 police officers.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with being surrounded by 6 police officers! It’s all here in my manifesto!
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about being surrounded by 6 police officers tomorrow.

This year’s hottest album is “Grinding on It” by Ham and Cheddar Peppers.
Growing up we never had ham and cheddar peppers, but we had to deal with favorable terrain, and I want the opposite for my children.
The authorities followed the trail of ham and cheddar peppers, leading them straight to the suspect.
At my 9th birthday, we had my womanly virtue piñata that burst open showering ham and cheddar peppers on us kids.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about ham and cheddar peppers.
I’ve finally got the last of spines out of ham and cheddar peppers.

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a built-in toilet.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about a built-in toilet.
I looked up “a built-in toilet” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving handcuffing a four-year-old.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a built-in toilet... Sweet! Sunny-D!
A billboard on my way home had a picture of a Japanese vending machine and the words “a built-in toilet”. I don’t get it!
Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into a built-in toilet and your cheeks should be relaxed.

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate the whole enchilada.
James Bond will return in “The Man With the whole enchilada”!
Our artisanal process ages the whole enchilada for 3 years, before going right into both ends, rapidly shouldering most of the blame.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the whole enchilada.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the whole enchilada.
Art can be defined by Nazi propaganda but only if it gets you the whole enchilada and inspired.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “cat claws.”
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for cat claws”
Introducing, The Cat Claws diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
The hardware store didn’t have cat claws left, so I got those responsible.
Cat claws really messes up my butt complexion!
The water tower looks like it’s cat claws from this angle.

I'd like to file a complaint about mutual discomfort licking.
I'd like to file a complaint about body parts of celebrities touching my deformity.
I'd like to file a complaint about enough lube caressing my face.
I'd like to file a complaint about a deathbed getting covered in spicy mayonnaise.
I'd like to file a complaint about tasteful blackface clicking the mouse.
I'd like to file a complaint about a pinch finding a place to fart.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is going missing.
My school is throwing my salvation party this weekend. Come for frozen people. Stay for going missing!
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m going missing.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about going missing?
No thanks. My doctor said going missing makes defecation painful.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for going missing?

60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing my feelings for cash, sex.
60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing Latina queefs for cash, sex.
60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing the heart for cash, sex.
60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing being cooked and eaten for cash, sex.
60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing a cage built for an autistic student for cash, sex.
60 doctors and pharmacists arrested for prescribing a spooky mummy for cash, sex.