aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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This land is peeing out their weiner land, this land is unrestrained passion land.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find peeing out their weiner so relaxing.
It started out as drinks with friends and ended with peeing out their weiner.
Doctor! My child has peeing out their weiner coursing through his veins!
Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get peeing out their weiner.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, peeing out their weiner appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
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2021 Nov 3 at 09:24 PDT
— Ed. 2021 Nov 3 at 09:24 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-the-majority-of-birds, or even some kind of my-secret-place scene.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to the majority of birds, even before I put on my clothes.
After a long day I crawled into bed, only to find the majority of birds.
I’m the majority of birds today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with no black child.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the majority of birds.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for the majority of birds.
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2021 Nov 3 at 11:24 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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I accidentally dropped far too many lesbians in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.
Every French soldier carries far too many lesbians in his knapsack.
In the third world, luxuries like far too many lesbians are an alien concept.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed far too many lesbians, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into far too many lesbians, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.
What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in far too many lesbians.
Nowhere near enough lesbians My spirit animal: nowhere near enough lesbians.
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does nowhere near enough lesbians come in?
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get nowhere near enough lesbians removed from us both.
In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of Nowhere Near Enough Lesbians.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, nowhere near enough lesbians... Sweet! Sunny-D!
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted nowhere near enough lesbians to the vastness of space.
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2021 Nov 4 at 09:08 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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This food is so good it’s making a 20-foot-tall lesbian quiver!
Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a 20-foot-tall lesbian.
A 20-foot-tall lesbian has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a 20-foot-tall lesbian if I wanted a new family.
A 20-foot-tall lesbian like this is enough to kill a horse!
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of a 20-foot-tall lesbian.
While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on the 20-foot-tall lesbian. I found him mopping it up with your underpants.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as the 20-foot-tall lesbian.
When the suspect’s car crashed, the 20-foot-tall lesbian launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away.
The 20-foot-tall lesbian saved is the 20-foot-tall lesbian earned.
I feel great! I got the 20-foot-tall lesbian in my bloodstream.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get the 20-foot-tall lesbian removed from us both.
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2021 Nov 5 at 00:43 PDT
— Ed. 2021 Nov 5 at 00:44 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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My runecrafted battlesword Are you there God? It’s me, my runecrafted battlesword.
I buried my treasure under my runecrafted battlesword so you’d never find it!
My publisher demanded I remove my runecrafted battlesword from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s my runecrafted battlesword and I think I believe her!
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for my runecrafted battlesword”
No thanks. My doctor said my runecrafted battlesword makes defecation painful.
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2021 Nov 5 at 13:11 PDT
— Ed. 2021 Nov 5 at 13:12 PDT
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The TSA has made new rules mandating Thanos' monster cock on every commercial flight.
During routine surgery, the doctors found Thanos' monster cock embedded in my abdomen.
I’m late to my meeting for Thanos' monster cock.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking Thanos' monster cock into women’s purses and bags.
After a long day I crawled into bed, only to find Thanos' monster cock.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only Thanos' monster cock and chewing gum.
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2021 Nov 5 at 14:05 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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A werewolf with nunchucks Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with a werewolf with nunchucks.
In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy a werewolf with nunchucks from dispensaries.
Slender and muscled, like a werewolf with nunchucks. She was the spitting image of femininity.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a werewolf with nunchucks.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a werewolf with nunchucks overboard!
Amtrak officials confirm a werewolf with nunchucks would have prevented train derailment.
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2021 Nov 5 at 20:00 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate you, ya little shit.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in you, ya little shit.
I make treats for my cat by sad people doing sad things for their sad lives with you, ya little shit. Oreo loves it!
I just dug up you, ya little shit in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum!
For my last meal I want you, ya little shit.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had you, ya little shit removed so she can live a normal life.
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2021 Nov 6 at 20:04 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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I'm cursed. My first husband left me for {n}, and my second husband left me for {n}. I'm cursed. My first husband left me for the instructions, and my second husband left me for a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice.
I'm cursed. My first husband left me for a glob of peanut butter, and my second husband left me for a mutilated torso.
I'm cursed. My first husband left me for rumpy pumpy, and my second husband left me for endangered animals.
I'm cursed. My first husband left me for just a coincidence, and my second husband left me for enough lube.
I'm cursed. My first husband left me for a “Hey!”, and my second husband left me for gas.
I'm cursed. My first husband left me for something even wetter, and my second husband left me for a greased slope.
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2021 Nov 7 at 13:57 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Jizzing force lightning everywhere For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared jizzing force lightning everywhere so it feels like brains.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of jizzing force lightning everywhere.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from jizzing force lightning everywhere.
I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be jizzing force lightning everywhere with us.”
But of the tree of jizzing force lightning everywhere you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk jizzing force lightning everywhere.
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2021 Nov 8 at 00:36 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for Hitler specifically.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re Hitler specifically.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a blood transfusion and acquire Hitler specifically!
The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on Hitler specifically.
That kind of attitude is why we have Hitler specifically now.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as Hitler specifically surfaced from below.
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2021 Nov 8 at 11:55 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with {s} without telling me! Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with a chick with a beautiful dick without telling me!
Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with my secret sex gymnasium without telling me!
Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with the atom without telling me!
Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with anything on the face of this earth without telling me!
Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with baby Jesus without telling me!
Don't tell me to "chillax" after you ran off with a quick one without telling me!
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2021 Nov 9 at 04:26 PST
— Ed. 2021 Nov 9 at 04:26 PST
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The greatest idea anyone’s ever had Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider the greatest idea anyone’s ever had.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from solar, and the eco-glass windows trap in the greatest idea anyone’s ever had.
I never expected to be fingered by the greatest idea anyone’s ever had.
For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared the greatest idea anyone’s ever had so it feels like brains.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by the greatest idea anyone’s ever had?
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took the greatest idea anyone’s ever had to the funeral.
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2021 Nov 10 at 08:20 PST
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I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for extremely illegal porn!
Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with extremely illegal porn?
Jesus is extremely illegal porn.
Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with extremely illegal porn until the end of the game!
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at extremely illegal porn and my card appeared on top!
Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for extremely illegal porn.
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2021 Nov 10 at 16:04 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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At the Amazon Go store you can grab C. Hamilton Thunderpenis and walk right out the door without being kicked repeatedly in the head.
For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood C. Hamilton Thunderpenis.
C. Hamilton Thunderpenis can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “C. Hamilton Thunderpenis,” with a picture of a dolphin.
The new artsy indie game “Moistness” is a deeply emotional exploration of C. Hamilton Thunderpenis.
Sometimes I feel out of place at the gym then I look to my left and see C. Hamilton Thunderpenis, and I feel better.
(Thanks to RiffTrax/Plan 9 From Outer Space)
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2021 Nov 11 at 00:29 PST
— Ed. 2021 Nov 11 at 00:29 PST
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What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s a spicy colon baby.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in a spicy colon baby.
I need a hotel room with a spicy colon baby, and I need Xanax® brought to me every four hours.
I got a spicy colon baby as a pet!
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a spicy colon baby.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a spicy colon baby when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
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2021 Nov 14 at 21:35 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Where the finger is sticking out I got into my car and sat on where the finger is sticking out. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to where the finger is sticking out, even before I put on my clothes.
My dream house has a dispensor for where the finger is sticking out built in.
Can’t go out because of where the finger is sticking out on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-power-of-attorney-cor is right for you.
Where the finger is sticking out saved is where the finger is sticking out earned.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still where the finger is sticking out!
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2021 Nov 15 at 09:36 PST
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The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re going to bed!
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is going to bed.
It started out as drinks with friends and ended with going to bed.
This food is so good it’s making going to bed quiver!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi. The driver was going to bed.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for going to bed.
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2021 Nov 15 at 12:43 PST
— Ed. 2021 Nov 15 at 12:55 PST
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Being shot and killed on stage You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as being shot and killed on stage.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of being shot and killed on stage.
I noticed symptoms of us black folk, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s being shot and killed on stage!” but I’m not sure.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “being shot and killed on stage” incident in the science lab.
Go, go, Gadget Being Shot and Killed on Stage!
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn being shot and killed on stage, but now I work at Wal*Mart.
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2021 Nov 17 at 12:50 PST
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Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at {v}, but now I work on {n}! Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at being shot at while fleeing, but now I work on my hater!
Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at being dipped in chocolate, but now I work on an emaciated bovine!
Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at writing emo poetry, but now I work on the greatest mistake of my life!
Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at killing again, but now I work on a wiggly meat tube!
Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at putting up with you, but now I work on a riding crop!
Life is so strange. I went to college to become an expert at murdering everyone who is different from you, but now I work on oiled thighs!
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2021 Nov 17 at 12:52 PST
— Ed. 2021 Nov 17 at 12:54 PST
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If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be getting another cat.
I love children because you can never tell if they are seizing the means of production or getting another cat.
When you two are done getting another cat, can we get back to work?
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “getting another cat,” over and over again while in use.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in getting another cat together.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like getting another cat.
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2021 Nov 17 at 13:27 PST
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Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use Asia to treat towels!
Nordstrom’s return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned towels there.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in towels.
Daddy, what’s towels? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of towels.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s towels.
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2021 Nov 17 at 13:27 PST
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Flinging your shit everywhere The princess’s saliva is a temporary setback on the road to flinging your shit everywhere!
For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, flinging your shit everywhere every single day.
There is no revenge so complete as flinging your shit everywhere.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began flinging your shit everywhere.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and flinging your shit everywhere.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of flinging your shit everywhere.
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2021 Nov 17 at 13:28 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Oh great, I turned on the oven again with my manservant still inside.
For my project I’m making my manservant. But I need to see if they have compressed gas at the craft store.
The new Harley-Davidson has got my manservant painted on both sides.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for my manservant.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my manservant.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: my manservant.
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2021 Nov 18 at 00:57 PST
— Ed. 2021 Nov 18 at 00:58 PST
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Being fed ham through the window In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had being fed ham through the window removed so she can live a normal life.
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw being fed ham through the window in the mirror! I’m so scared!
Look, man, I’m not into being fed ham through the window. But $20 is $20.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Being Fed Ham Through the Window!
For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared being fed ham through the window so it feels like brains.
If you kids don’t stop being fed ham through the window, I will turn this car around!
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2021 Nov 21 at 15:16 PST
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