Lost my virginity to the devil. Lost my other virginity to an ant in my beard.
Lost my virginity to a child predator. Lost my other virginity to high-fiving an entire family including the dog.
Lost my virginity to furries. Lost my other virginity to one of every drug.
Lost my virginity to taking a flying leap. Lost my other virginity to all your drama.
Lost my virginity to getting attacked by a garbage truck. Lost my other virginity to your name.
Lost my virginity to setbacks. Lost my other virginity to a sloppy blowjob.

Basically the same thing is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch basically the same thing at the girls camp.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find basically the same thing all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Basically the Same Thing?
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of basically the same thing in the sky.
If I was God, you would be basically the same thing.

On Ebay you can get silky fingers but it may be counterfeit.
I’m a caring, understanding man today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with silky fingers.
The pharmacist separated silky fingers into two parts, and gave me both.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for silky fingers.
If I was God, you would be silky fingers.
Silky fingers slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi. The driver was masturbating with the infinity gauntlet.
The Pentagon’s most secure room is for masturbating with the infinity gauntlet.
They cut open the crocodile to find no evidence of any infidelity, still masturbating with the infinity gauntlet like always.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by masturbating with the infinity gauntlet.
My spirit animal: masturbating with the infinity gauntlet.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re masturbating with the infinity gauntlet and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

Throw my Splatoon OC at your enemies to distract them.
Today you’re on the receiving end of my Splatoon OC.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-this-spring-s-hottest-new-fashions, or even some kind of my-Splatoon-OC scene.
When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, my Splatoon OC emerged.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my Splatoon OC.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced compressed gas with my Splatoon OC.

Honey, you can’t keep putting an upside-down version down the garbage disposal!
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “an upside-down version”
I’ll never know why my grandparents find an upside-down version so relaxing.
Oh no! Mom sold an upside-down version at the charity shop!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then an upside-down version really affected me.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by an upside-down version around the building.

Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a fist full of bees and tried to attack it.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a fist full of bees and stopped.
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a fist full of bees off the grill.
These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of deals: a fist full of bees.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a fist full of bees.
My mom says you have to call it a fist full of bees or you get in trouble!

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting Aaron's overactive digestive system into the air!
Politics. The Scary Men Party, is always trying to shove Aaron's overactive digestive system down our throats.
Can’t go out because of Aaron's overactive digestive system on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-nudity-cor is right for you.
In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of Aaron's Overactive Digestive System.
The city council wants to cut down on Aaron's overactive digestive system after 8pm.
Shepherds in Scotland have used Aaron's overactive digestive system for years to keep the flock in line.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of popping the scrotum to get the testicle.
“D” is for popping the scrotum to get the testicle.
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to popping the scrotum to get the testicle, even before I put on my clothes.
Introducing, The Popping the Scrotum to Get the Testicle diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
If mom hears us talking about popping the scrotum to get the testicle we’ll be SO grounded!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS POPPING THE SCROTUM TO GET THE TESTICLE.”

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a woman shitting in London from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed a woman shitting in London up and down the highway.
The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on a woman shitting in London.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a woman shitting in London.
During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch a woman shitting in London and her butthole.
I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a woman shitting in London.

What were you doing in here? I keep finding does bruno mars is gay between the couch cushions.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to does bruno mars is gay.
Don’t count does bruno mars is gay before they hatch.
All the best love stories include does bruno mars is gay.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “does bruno mars is gay.”
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me does bruno mars is gay and it’s getting weird.

A stranger's mystery weed: It’s nature’s candy!
I got into my car and sat on a stranger's mystery weed. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Hello, 911? I think there’s a stranger's mystery weed in my house...
The shockwave from the mishap at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused a stranger's mystery weed in the streets.
Go, go, Gadget a Stranger's Mystery Weed!
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a stranger's mystery weed.”

When you two are done frolicking through the cave with Stacy, can we get back to work?
If mom hears us talking about frolicking through the cave with Stacy we’ll be SO grounded!
The Pentagon’s most secure room is for frolicking through the cave with Stacy.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: frolicking through the cave with Stacy!!!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw frolicking through the cave with Stacy in the mirror! I’m so scared!
My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel Frolicking-through-the-cave-with-Stacy-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

A new horror movie called "I Saw being dragged by the neck Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by a steering wheel.
A new horror movie called "I Saw a little sack of ball sacks Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by side effects.
A new horror movie called "I Saw at least 10 pounds of pork Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by more blood.
A new horror movie called "I Saw a syringe of Tabasco Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by a single slice.
A new horror movie called "I Saw human body warmth Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by most people.
A new horror movie called "I Saw being too busy Last Summer" in which countless teens are killed by the president’s helicopter.

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn casual sabotage, but now I work at Wal*Mart.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of casual sabotage.
My religion demands that I must abstain from casual sabotage.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about casual sabotage.
Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, casual sabotage?
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to casual sabotage.

At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with confirming the sex. I barely even felt the needles.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on confirming the sex.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent confirming the sex, certainly others would have.
15% of married men say they’ve cheated by confirming the sex with another woman.
Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for confirming the sex.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and confirming the sex.

Honey, you can’t keep putting a gun with which to kill you down the garbage disposal!
They said a gun with which to kill you was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of a gun with which to kill you!
I got into my car and sat on a gun with which to kill you. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Can’t go out because of a gun with which to kill you on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-victory-or-death-cor is right for you.
I feel great! I got a gun with which to kill you in my bloodstream.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a gun with which to kill you?

Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with a bear. So bring an explosion that has nothing to do with butts.
During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed an explosion that has nothing to do with butts to the audience.
I saw two hobos fighting over an explosion that has nothing to do with butts behind the library. One of them was being sterilized.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as an explosion that has nothing to do with butts surfaced from below.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, dat ass, sloth, wrath, an explosion that has nothing to do with butts, and pride.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-greed-secrets-poison-and-murder, or even some kind of an-explosion-that-has-nothing-to-do-with-butts scene.