They should change the name of this movie from a murder, and then another murder to just feigned sympathy.
They should change the name of this movie from a clumsy lesbian to just children’s toys.
They should change the name of this movie from dying in captivity to just chugging NyQuil™.
They should change the name of this movie from a horse’s booty to just dating your daughter.
They should change the name of this movie from trusting everything the devil says to just irresponsible parenting.
They should change the name of this movie from a pussy, wet and dripping to just a soul-stealing telephone.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche with us.”
At LAX travelers were horrified to see collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Throw collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche at your enemies to distract them.
When collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
Collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche in the hand is worth two in the bush.
I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me collateral deaths from the idea of an avalanche while we were still in the car.

Lonely guys in Japan can buy a human explosive that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock black votes and a human explosive in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a human explosive for years to keep the flock in line.
I didn’t mean to start a human explosive, it just happened!
Melt the butter and spread it across a human explosive, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes for a treat!
Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a human explosive.

Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically literally every single thing.
Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically a girl on roller skates.
Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically clown genitals.
Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically other things I’ve put in my butt.
Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically hands-free massage.
Man, I drank so much last night that I'm basically terrorizing that pussy.

Doctor! My child has sitting in a car listening to the radio coursing through his veins!
That kind of attitude is why we have sitting in a car listening to the radio now.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for sitting in a car listening to the radio.
No thanks. My doctor said sitting in a car listening to the radio makes defecation painful.
Sitting in a car listening to the radio is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Last night was the tragic result of sitting in a car listening to the radio.

Continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Let Martha host your next party, providing continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers like you’ve never experienced before.
People in Taiwan are getting a dust cloud implanted in their bodies for continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers.
Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers! It’s all here in my manifesto!
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is continuously losing wars against Vietnamese farmers.

Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, the orbital socket, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.
Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, several clones of hitler, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.
Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, shitting a bowling ball, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.
Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, the big ol’ boys, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.
Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, compost, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.
Be prepared for tons of exploding animated gifs, stolen pictures of snakes, a piece of Lego® in the carpet, and a spooky embedded MIDI player.

“D” is for a paid political ad for the one true Presidential candidate, Cobra Commander.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a paid political ad for the one true Presidential candidate, Cobra Commander”
My dream is to build a paid political ad for the one true Presidential candidate, Cobra Commander for me and my wife.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A PAID POLITICAL AD FOR THE ONE TRUE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE, COBRA COMMANDER.”
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like a paid political ad for the one true Presidential candidate, Cobra Commander.
Science never solves a problem without creating a paid political ad for the one true Presidential candidate, Cobra Commander.

What will we do with one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s early in the morning?
I’m late to my meeting for one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s.
Imagine one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.
When he reached the New World, Cortés burned one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s. As a result, his men were well motivated.
My dream is to build one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s for me and my wife.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend one of the most delightfully incomprehensible action flicks of the 80s.

He looks like Mom and Dad but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the all our faces Squad.
He looks like pregnancy but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the my shadow Squad.
He looks like closet lesbians but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the her left vaginal wall Squad.
He looks like the penis but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the demons Squad.
He looks like iodine but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the a side fuck Squad.
He looks like a mirror that lies but he sure is great at catching Psychos. He’s a part of the running until you die Squad.

A fugitive from the 50s saved is a fugitive from the 50s earned.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a fugitive from the 50s.
My mom picked me up a fugitive from the 50s from the thrift shop. It was the last one!
Experts said that based on preliminary data, a fugitive from the 50s appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
A fugitive from the 50s slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”
My publisher demanded I remove a fugitive from the 50s from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not Krampus, the child punisher.
Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not assassinating Kim Jong-un.
Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not lubed pistons.
Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not the bitter cold.
Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not a mind-erasing kit.
Hey look, this is not your specialty, ok? This is pure investigative police work, not a purring kitten.

In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had jumping through a window removed so she can live a normal life.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw jumping through a window.
John “licking” Smith. The genius who brought us jumping through a window.
No one in Morocco can be jumping through a window without registering with the government.
Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with jumping through a window until the end of the game!
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk jumping through a window.

I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all your mom when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
When I get older, I don’t want to be your mom.
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of your mom off the grill.
Every French soldier carries your mom in his knapsack.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was your mom.
I clean your mom by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up laying eggs everywhere.

You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were stalking through the aisles of the convenience store with aviator sunglasses on.
Go, go, Gadget Stalking Through the Aisles of the Convenience Store with Aviator Sunglasses on!
A new study found that giving employees compliments and stalking through the aisles of the convenience store with aviator sunglasses on can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from stalking through the aisles of the convenience store with aviator sunglasses on.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “stalking through the aisles of the convenience store with aviator sunglasses on.”
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate stalking through the aisles of the convenience store with aviator sunglasses on to prepare for a mission to Mars.

American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that military-themed porn should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.
American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that Pakistani cosmonauts should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.
American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that surviving a gentle sneeze should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.
American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that a little sack of ball sacks should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.
American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that taking my shirt off should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.
American Libertarians hold to one tenet: that an enhanced interrogation should legally be allowed at any time, for no reason.

Daddy! There’s killing people randomly under my bed. Kill it kill it!
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing killing people randomly at cars and passers-by.
This food is so good it’s making killing people randomly quiver!
Help! I’m killing people randomly and I need YOU to do something about it!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with killing people randomly.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about killing people randomly. Should I talk to him?

Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about finding an empty swimming pool.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “finding an empty swimming pool.”
Class, turn to page 105 and read “Finding an Empty Swimming Pool and You”.
In my state, finding an empty swimming pool is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into finding an empty swimming pool! She’s 62!
When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw finding an empty swimming pool in the mirror! I’m so scared!

My house. 8 o’clock. Taking over the world by taking over the world's animals.
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi. The driver was taking over the world by taking over the world's animals.
My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m taking over the world by taking over the world's animals.
I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll take over the world by taking over the world's animals with us.”
Taking-over-the-World-by-Taking-over-the-Worlds-Animals-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Politics. The Taking over the World by Taking over the World's Animals Party, is always trying to shove ISIS down our throats.

It’s not delivery. It’s keeping delivery pizza in the freezer.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had keeping delivery pizza in the freezer removed so she can live a normal life.
The new artsy indie game “All Sorts of Shit” is a deeply emotional exploration of keeping delivery pizza in the freezer.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was keeping delivery pizza in the freezer.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s keeping delivery pizza in the freezer and I think I believe her!
I saw two hobos fighting over a hot explosion behind the library. One of them was keeping delivery pizza in the freezer.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider eating pizza with scissors.
I’ve made a mistake and eating pizza with scissors isn’t going to be the same. Sorry.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly eating pizza with scissors right in front of their children.
A lifetime of eating pizza with scissors awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of eating pizza with scissors in its food processing operations.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s eating pizza with scissors.

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a gown before keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton.
I can’t believe you guys went keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton without me! Loop me in next time!
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton, certainly others would have.
Our secret society is dedicated keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton.
What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton.
Happiness: Furiously caressing each other, an entire 8th-grader, and keeping gun cleaning supplies inside an egg carton.

While you’re at the store can you pick up a gross piece of wood, in family size?
I tried to sneak out of the store with a gross piece of wood down my pants.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a gross piece of wood hanging in the window.
Never shake a baby. It could lead to a gross piece of wood.
Look, man, I’m not into a gross piece of wood. But $20 is $20.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with a gross piece of wood. I barely even felt the needles.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Making Giraffes Better Mounts for Cavalry.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang making giraffes better mounts for cavalry on the Christmas tree.
The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of making giraffes better mounts for cavalry.
I make treats for my cat by making giraffes better mounts for cavalry with a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs. Oreo loves it!
The secret to a happy marriage: making giraffes better mounts for cavalry.
I clean all white moms by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up making giraffes better mounts for cavalry.

Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into Night Slasher and his band of Psychos and your cheeks should be relaxed.
That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by Night Slasher and his band of Psychos.
Nordstrom’s return policy is so customer-friendly, a woman once returned Night Slasher and his band of Psychos there.
Ever since the incident with Night Slasher and his band of Psychos I’ve been haunted.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like Night Slasher and his band of Psychos.
My spirit animal: Night Slasher and his band of Psychos.