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The death of something majestic The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include completely wigging out spice, having a zero-value existence spice, and the death of something majestic spice!
Don’t look at me while I’m the death of something majestic! It messes me up!
CAUTION: Keep the death of something majestic out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks mammaries.
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used the death of something majestic.
I’m the T-Rex in the streets, but the death of something majestic in the sheets.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang the death of something majestic on the Christmas tree.
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2019 Nov 20 at 19:46 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 20 at 19:48 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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Opinions are like thick pads of knee skin. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Pool rules: No running. No accepting any crap without opposing thoughts. Keep thick pads of knee skin out of the deep end.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually thick pads of knee skin.
I refuse to roleplay as anything but thick pads of knee skin.
Thick pads of knee skin in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of thick pads of knee skin. Half the country is shotgunning.
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2019 Nov 24 at 20:56 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 24 at 20:57 PST
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Coke in industrial quantities The raunchy adult film that’s got parent’s groups scrambling: Coke in Industrial Quantities Does Jalapeños.
Working on my car I found coke in industrial quantities had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Coke in industrial quantities! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all listening to sad music and being sad.
This year’s hottest album is “Coke in Industrial Quantities” by A Big Slow Boat.
You spent all your food-stamps on coke in industrial quantities?!
There’s always time for coke in industrial quantities before breakfast.
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2019 Nov 26 at 15:09 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 26 at 15:10 PST
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Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a vigorous grind destroyed and cat drool killed as well.
Cat-Drool-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
During routine surgery, the doctors found cat drool embedded in my abdomen.
My favorite new band is “Children’s Toys and Cat Drool”.
Daddy! There’s cat drool under my bed. Kill it kill it!
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start eating trash before cat drool.
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2019 Dec 3 at 11:20 PST
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Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed absolute slime.
Help! I’m absolute slime and I need YOU to do something about it!
Absolute slime? That’s my fetish!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of absolute slime.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of absolute slime vomiting gore all over your face.
You spent all your food-stamps on absolute slime?!
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2019 Dec 3 at 11:21 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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Presenting like a mandril President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began presenting like a mandril.
Your lifestyle travelled over 20 feet after presenting like a mandril.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about presenting like a mandril.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by presenting like a mandril.
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent presenting like a mandril, certainly others would have.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should alternate between presenting like a mandril and threatening my wife and child.
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2019 Dec 11 at 01:04 PST
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Welcome to Denny’s®! I am Walt Disney’s preserved ass cheeks. Would you like to try our new special, already peeing?
Politics. The Hurting Me Party, is always trying to shove rolling down our throats. This time it’s already peeing.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with already peeing! It’s all here in my manifesto!
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had already peeing removed so she can live a normal life.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was already peeing.
Ever since the incident with already peeing I’ve been haunted by the whole planet.
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2019 Dec 15 at 00:59 PST
— Ed. 2019 Dec 15 at 01:01 PST
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Chase bank is giving out the rent money this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
Happiness: The rent money, a urinal cake, and panicking in a Subaru.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around the rent money on the freeway.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is the rent money.
During the war, German scientists experimented with resealing my vagina to weaponize the rent money.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Spandex, the rent money and emoticons.
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2019 Dec 20 at 14:47 PST
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This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of launching missiles.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider launching missiles.
I’m late to my meeting for launching missiles.
I thought I was alone with what you did to my face but my mom walked in. We got to launching missiles and I felt better.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about launching missiles.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a sexually aggressive woman while I’m launching missiles!
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2020 Jan 7 at 23:51 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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I can’t believe you forced my mom into a soulless vessel! She’s 62!
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a soulless vessel and stopped.
I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a soulless vessel.
Let scary men host your next party, providing a soulless vessel like you’ve never experienced before.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like a soulless vessel.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit edible disguises and acquire a soulless vessel!
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2020 Jan 7 at 23:54 PST
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I want to say one word to you, just one word: amazing technology.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “amazing technology,” over and over again while in use.
Thanks for amazing technology last night. *wink* *wink*
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, amazing technology... Sweet! Sunny-D!
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at amazing technology and my card appeared in a hole!
In prison we used to cook amazing technology in the toilet.
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2020 Jan 12 at 01:53 PST
— Ed. 2020 Jan 12 at 01:57 PST
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More armies need to incorporate getting upset into their uniforms.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell sex friends after 8pm, or on holidays like Getting Upset Day.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a bruised ego while I’m getting upset!
Getting upset! Getting upset! My kingdom for getting upset!
We couldn’t land because of sinister plans caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like getting upset.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was getting upset.
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2020 Jan 12 at 13:15 PST
— Ed. 2020 Jan 12 at 13:17 PST
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During my driving test, I backed my car into music. I still got an 85!
This is my second kid. My first one came out as music.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for music and to avoid a little lesbian boy.
I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were music.
My school is throwing a frantic woman party this weekend. Come for an old hornet. Stay for music!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with music.
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2020 Jan 12 at 13:18 PST
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Saying, "This couldn't happen to me" At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began saying, "This couldn't happen to me" in front of his top supporters.
This land is shame land, this land is saying, "This couldn't happen to me" land.
At Boeing R&D, we test a deathbed by subjecting it to saying, "This couldn't happen to me" and extreme heat.
I will do anything for saying, "This couldn't happen to me". But I won’t do that!
We couldn’t land because of an exploitative sex tape caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like saying, "This couldn't happen to me".
If you do it right, saying, "This couldn't happen to me" is all about no Internet.
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2020 Jan 15 at 09:28 PST
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I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a bird heart”
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore a bird heart in a very realistic way.
We are going to taxidermy a bird heart to make a statue out of it!
You spent all your food-stamps on a bird heart?!
I can’t believe you forced my mom into a bird heart! She’s 62!
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried a bird heart.
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2020 Jan 22 at 17:14 PST
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They had to put a 2-hour limit on at the gym. They had to put a 2-hour limit on alien technology at the gym.
They had to put a 2-hour limit on water at the gym.
They had to put a 2-hour limit on going straight to hell at the gym.
They had to put a 2-hour limit on hiding at the gym.
They had to put a 2-hour limit on my skin template at the gym.
They had to put a 2-hour limit on burning my junk at the gym.
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2020 Jan 30 at 12:36 PST
— Ed. 2020 Jan 30 at 12:40 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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A fairly muscular teenage girl I think a lot of people would pay to see a fairly muscular teenage girl.
CAUTION: Keep a fairly muscular teenage girl out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks endangered animals.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began a fairly muscular teenage girl.
The Sword of Damocles was a fairly muscular teenage girl hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a fairly muscular teenage girl really affected me.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and a fairly muscular teenage girl coming right at us. Please advise.
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2020 Jan 31 at 21:19 PST
— Ed. 2020 Feb 3 at 04:35 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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We put someone's torso in your tea!
My car looks like it’s someone's torso but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of someone's torso, a determined shark, and The Super Buttsex Arena.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with someone's torso! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My new phone looks like it’s someone's torso but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend someone's torso.
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2020 Feb 3 at 04:35 PST
— Ed. 2020 Feb 3 at 04:36 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 783
175 ₧
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I've got a lot of shit that looks like someone's torso...
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2020 Feb 3 at 04:38 PST
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Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of spiders laying eggs in my butt and a mouthfeel like I don't know, stuff?.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of I Don't Know, Stuff?.
Ugh. I ate I don't know, stuff? last night and I’ve been trying to put on a tissue all morning.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to I don't know, stuff?.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always I don't know, stuff?. Always.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on I don't know, stuff?.
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2020 Feb 4 at 09:48 PST
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At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Gettin' Robbed”! I shook his hand and it felt like gettin' robbed.
Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at gettin' robbed.
Throughout human history, gettin' robbed has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was gettin' robbed.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is gettin' robbed.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate gettin' robbed.
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2020 Feb 5 at 15:40 PST
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At the gym they have this new machine where you’re shooting a dog.
My religion demands that I must abstain from shooting a dog. That dirty little louse however, is OK.
I heard you were talking about shooting a dog so I had to come over!
Let’s wait for ropes to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get shooting a dog.
Howdy neighbor, love a mushroom! Let’s get shooting a dog sometime!
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were shooting a dog?
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2020 Feb 6 at 21:22 PST
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Just being a fucking beast In the first Battle of Just Being a Fucking Beast he faced ionizing radiation, and with one great blow he split them in half.
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had stubby fingers removed so he could be just being a fucking beast.
Just being a fucking beast! Just being a fucking beast! My kingdom for just being a fucking beast!
A lifetime of just being a fucking beast awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Introducing, The Just Being a Fucking Beast diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
Ever since the incident with just being a fucking beast I’ve been haunted by a protective membrane.
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2020 Feb 6 at 21:23 PST
— Ed. 2020 Feb 6 at 21:52 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw some amount of incest.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had some amount of incest.
While you’re at the store can you pick up some amount of incest, in family size?
I got into my car and sat on some amount of incest. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up some amount of incest on the porch to surprise the kids.
I got so drunk last night that I got some amount of incest all over everyone and everything.
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2020 Feb 10 at 15:32 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Surprising the kids with incest While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on a rope tied round my leg. I found him surprising the kids with incest.
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like loose morals and can be used for surprising the kids with incest.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, backing up on it, toilet paper, shelter, and surprising the kids with incest.
I saw my hood down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be surprising the kids with incest with us.”
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into impacting my sister, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start surprising the kids with incest.
I thought I was alone with the rope my pappy hanged his self with but my mom walked in. We got to surprising the kids with incest and I felt better.
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2020 Feb 10 at 15:36 PST
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