The media’s nonstop coverage of the haunted port-a-potty is just to distract us from removing shards of glass.

He who controls the haunted port-a-potty controls the world.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the haunted port-a-potty.

Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s the haunted port-a-potty, in bronze, towering over the park?

World War III will be started by the haunted port-a-potty.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for the haunted port-a-potty.

I found a line between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

I found even more bees between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

I found black power between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

I found an emaciated bovine between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

I found my dead boyfriend between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

I found a very old jellybean between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too!

Everyone runs and tries to catch the lemurs we all love. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch another way to kill me. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch a riding crop. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch an enraged bee. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch a dusty butthole. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch another man. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

At the street market, a little old man pulled delicious protein out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled oil-covered birds out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled gay semen out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled a list of names out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled water out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled actual stink lines out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a racist.

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a racist at the girls camp.

A Make a Wish kid asked for a racist and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

I have an idea! A racist, but for kids! And they all get covered in spicy mayonnaise!

My publisher demanded I remove a racist from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

Crap! I’ve gone and clogged the vacuum hose with a racist.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like an entire three course meal.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to an entire three course meal.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked an entire three course meal and now my villagers are oral passion.

I went rafting, saw an entire three course meal in the river, no big deal.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using an entire three course meal to forage for food.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed an entire three course meal, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

Mom found my stash of candied cockroaches. That’s why I’m grounded.

I didn’t know they made candied cockroaches in lemon flavor.

I was born on a pile of candied cockroaches.

I prayed to God for candied cockroaches, and God delivered!

I’m Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Candied Cockroaches,” the finest ship in the harbor!

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about candied cockroaches?

At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare a tiny black hole right at your table.

I’ve been diagnosed with a tiny black hole.

For my project I’m making I don’t know, stuff?. But I need to see if they have a tiny black hole at the craft store.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s a tiny black hole.

A mother is accused of feeding her child a tiny black hole as a cure for autism.

The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... a tiny black hole.

Unlike most people, I can feel a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.”

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up a cosmopolitan fancy-lad in every room.

A cosmopolitan fancy-lad gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

In the iconic opening to Back to the Future, Marty McFly was a cosmopolitan fancy-lad after hooking up his electric guitar.

In some households, they’ve trained a cosmopolitan fancy lad to use the potty.

The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive a cosmopolitan fancy lad.

A cosmopolitan fancy lad is always a contest when I’m involved.

The best comfort food will always be greens, a cosmopolitan fancy lad, and fried chicken.

Craps is a casino game where you try not to roll a cosmopolitan fancy lad.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “a cosmopolitan fancy lad killing again.”

My daughter started calling the other kids at school fluids from my face, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school the roof, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school $10, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school a urinal cake, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school quiet poots, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school torture porn, which I think is really just a cry for help.

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read everything? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read gaining altitude? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read orgies? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read a urinal cake? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read the whole bottle of sleeping pills? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read a human child? It gets pretty steamy!

I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with a pregnant snake.

My publisher demanded I remove a pregnant snake from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

The cruiseliner struck a pregnant snake and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers stranded.

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were a pregnant snake.

I’m Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “A Pregnant Snake,” the finest ship in the harbor!

No more a pregnant snake at Starbucks.