The church has recognized an inept assassin as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

The church has recognized David Bowie’s mysterious bulge as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

The church has recognized a squeaky-clean bottom as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

The church has recognized mighty Zeus as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

The church has recognized Krampus, the child punisher as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

The church has recognized a suitcase full of guns and money as a relic of St. Apollinaris, which is said to cure disease.

Ok, I’ll admit peeing out a crab might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in my ex's new husband.

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for my ex's new husband?

Don’t tell anyone, but I keep my ex's new husband in my sex gymnasium.

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town, except for my ex's new husband.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love my ex's new husband.

Always walk into an interview with confidence and my ex's new husband, and you’ll get the job.

Oh no! Obama put me in the water!

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were me.

A Russian couple taught a bear how to be me.

When I get older, I don’t want to be me.

I don’t need love because I’m me. Sorry mom!

I Googled for me and found a picture of myself.

Abandoned as a child, I was raised by me, by myself in the woods.

I make healthy food for my cat by doing nothing with me, by myself. Oreo loves it!

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “me, by myself terrorizing that pussy.”

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Me, by Myself” syndrome!

My wife printed me a certifcate for me, by myself. I’m excited for tonight!

The survey team detected a big ol’ fruit at the work site so I grabbed me, by myself and drove straight there.

At BASF we don’t make me, shouting and waving. We make me, shouting and waving better.

News at 11: me, shouting and waving at my secret place convention.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take me, shouting and waving seriously? Mopping it up with your underpants

Went to Uwajimaya, bought me, shouting and waving, dried and in a bag. Wanna try?

Now streaming on PornHub: Debby Does Me, Shouting and Waving.

Me, shouting and waving is legally grounds for divorce in 28 states.

Whenever the public starts waking up they distract us with taking about "American values".

A police horse kicked Ryan Seacrest in the head and he started taking about "American values".

The only kind of safe sex is taking about "American values".

Shhh! I need help making taking about "American values" look like an accident.

Look, man, I’m not into taking about "American values". But $20 is $20.

In my state, taking about "American values" is a legal right for me and my native brothers.

The senator from Ohio was catching one in the bum when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

The senator from Ohio was being responsible for the disappearance of three women when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

The senator from Ohio was putting the “I” back in “team” when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

The senator from Ohio was taking a break from eating ass when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

The senator from Ohio was being attacked by a skeleton when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

The senator from Ohio was self-cutting when the debate began, but it didn't seem to affect his poll numbers.

I take pride in speaking in tongues and emitting light.

When I find myself in times of trouble, a friend comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: speaking in tongues and emitting light.

I feel like I’m being punished for speaking in tongues and emitting light.

I’m late to my meeting for speaking in tongues and emitting light.

My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m speaking in tongues and emitting light.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of speaking in tongues and emitting light.

It smells like Thai food in here... have you guys been speaking in tongues and rising into the air?

Do they make pills for speaking in tongues and rising into the air?

Life without love is like speaking in tongues and rising into the air without fruit.

At church they taught me that speaking in tongues and rising into the air leads to sock puppets.

Speaking in tongues and rising into the air is a temporary setback on the road to dog cancer!

At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, “Best Speaking in Tongues and Rising Into the Air.”

Military scientists in Syria found traces of being gracious to everyone in the soil.

You gotta fight! For your right! To be gracious to everyone!

Shared being gracious to everyone with Dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Local church ousts pastor after allegedly being gracious to everyone.

Nobody likes being gracious to everyone.

Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with being gracious to everyone until the end of the game!

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was burping blood and the teacher gave us a C-.

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was sticking it to the man and the teacher gave us a C-.

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was being bad in a previous life and the teacher gave us a C-.

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was mating for life and the teacher gave us a C-.

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was doing a weird sex thing and the teacher gave us a C-.

We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was peeing in the sink and the teacher gave us a C-.

I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with getting sucked through a time/space portal.

The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: Getting Sucked Through a Time/space Portal Spice!

Squad, circle up. This season is not going our way. It’s time to talk getting sucked through a time/space portal.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of getting sucked through a time/space portal on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

Teen slang alert: If you hear your teen talking about “getting sucked through a time/space portal” he or she may be huffing dangerous fumes.

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still getting sucked through a time/space portal!

My kids keep installing *heavy breathing* on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

These tilapia will eat anything we throw in: *heavy breathing*, garbage... even udders.

In 1962, President John F. Kennedy declared the United States would put *heavy breathing* on a genital louse before the end of the decade.

For my last meal I want *heavy breathing*.

Could you buy me *heavy breathing*? I’ll pay you back.

It’s always nice to relive *heavy breathing* in my mind.

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, *indistinct mumbling* emerged.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “*indistinct mumbling*”.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as *indistinct mumbling*.

Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover *indistinct mumbling* along the way.

Traditionally, in depictions of Adam and Eve, a fig leaf is placed over *indistinct mumbling*.

The gas pump is saying “Push button to select *indistinct mumbling*.”

AC power carries farther than DC due to *cough cough*.

At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on *cough cough*.

When I was a kid I used to take *cough cough* into the bathroom with me.

Become *cough cough*. Become your true self.

Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? *cough cough*.

Witnesses saw *cough cough* on the Tacoma Narrows bridge just before collapse.