Nezumi

Nezumi

User name
Nezumi
Assigned title
Asshole Admin
Assigned post color
#838304
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Medals
1-Up Medal 1-Up Medal
Registration date
2005 March 27
Post count
790
Score
175 ₧
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Timezone
UTC
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Recent posts by Nezumi

Recent posts by Nezumi

Me and the homies
np

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Me and the Homies”! I shook his hand and it felt like me and the homies.

Ariana Grande wore me and the homies on tour and fans are going nuts.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with me and the homies.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Me and the Homies.

Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for me and the homies without even getting up.

When me and the homies hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!




(This has to be a dupe, right?)
May 30 at 02:32 UTC
That time I soiled myself
n

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is that time I soiled myself.

My dream entryway has that time I soiled myself statue in it.

The problem with America is that time I soiled myself.

The weirdest thing about that time I soiled myself is that sometimes even girls have that time I soiled myself.

I want to be buried with that time I soiled myself.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love that time I soiled myself.




$150,000
?

We can’t stop here! This is $150,000 country!

I can’t believe they used to churn $150,000 into butter.

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, $150,000, sloth, wrath, us black folk, and pride.

I can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting $150,000!

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for $150,000.”

The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of $150,000.


May 24 at 04:42 UTC
Gas station nachos
np

10 minutes till dad gets home, and gas station nachos just exploded in the living room.

I didn’t know they made gas station nachos in lemon flavor.

Oh no! Someone rolled up gas station nachos in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.

My girlfriend kicked gas station nachos, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

The hardware store didn’t have gas station nachos left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into gas station nachos.


New gay porno:   with the boys.

New gay porno: butt licks with the boys.

New gay porno: every part of Keanu Reeves with the boys.

New gay porno: a fistful of glitter with the boys.

New gay porno: wings with the boys.

New gay porno: their first time with the boys.

New gay porno: the power of love with the boys.


Apr 26 at 08:58 UTC
My bodacious lips
np

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood my bodacious lips.

What will we do with my bodacious lips early in the morning?

The hardware store didn’t have my bodacious lips left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking my bodacious lips into women’s purses and bags.

In the third world, luxuries like my bodacious lips are an alien concept.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up my bodacious lips on the porch to surprise the kids.


Apr 25 at 05:37 UTC
North Korea
nc

Emma barely eats, she just forms dinosaurs on her plate out of North Korea.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is North Korea.

My publisher demanded I remove North Korea from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Daddy! There’s North Korea under my bed. Kill it kill it!

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about North Korea!

NORTH KOREA INTENSIFIES


Apr 24 at 12:24 UTC
An entire erotic bakery
n

I’d like to file a complaint about an entire erotic bakery throwing a 9 year old.

Will I ever love an entire erotic bakery as much as I love my black son?

An entire erotic bakery is great for close quarters combat.

I never shower without an entire erotic bakery.

I clean an entire erotic bakery by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up repeating the same mistake.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for an entire erotic bakery.




An erotic cake
n

Last night I dreamed of an erotic cake. Now to make it real.

The new bill before congress would require an erotic cake in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into an erotic cake.

The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of an erotic cake.

I saw the coolest thing on Amazon, it was an erotic cake, in three different colors!

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize an erotic cake.


Apr 18 at 02:06 UTC
Diet Baja Blast
nc

A salesman came to the door selling Diet Baja Blast. I didn’t open. He slid nothing at all under the door.

Our hotel in Madrid had Diet Baja Blast, and now I can’t sleep without it!

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does Diet Baja Blast come in?

AC power carries farther than DC due to Diet Baja Blast.

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Diet Baja Blast up and down the highway.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of Diet Baja Blast.


Apr 11 at 02:39 UTC
My hidden hidey-hole
nc

Help! I’m my hidden hidey-hole and I need YOU to do something about it!

My kids keep installing my hidden hidey-hole on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

In a world with no rules, one man must be my hidden hidey-hole. Coming this summer.

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to my hidden hidey-hole.

“... And when you catch ‘em, just hold ‘em down and give ‘em the ‘ol Dutch my hidden hidey-hole

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and my hidden hidey-hole in the tank.


Apr 10 at 01:59 UTC
Catchy music
nc

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m catchy music.

The new bill before congress would require catchy music in all K-through-12 classrooms.

They had to put a 2-hour limit on catchy music at the gym.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into catchy music.

Catchy music torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get info from a suspected terrorist.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by catchy music.




Energetic up-tempo music
nc

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Energetic Up-tempo Music Act.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: a three room Japanese apartment in every room, and energetic up-tempo music on every corner.

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, energetic up-tempo music, & toilet paper.

When energetic up-tempo music is ready, launching missiles will appear.

I saw two hobos fighting over energetic up-tempo music behind the library. One of them was rolling in.

The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy energetic up-tempo music, and you get door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes as a sign up bonus.