My father made a living selling small unnaturals. He supported our whole family that way.

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood small unnaturals.

They finally found Amelia Earnhardt’s bones. They were in small unnaturals.

Imagine small unnaturals, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

I didn’t think this house would sell with small unnaturals in the attic.

Last night I dreamed of small unnaturals. Now to make it real.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by being a big boy now.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by my musk.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by letting Jesus take the wheel.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by blubber.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by a surgical rotary saw.

Before the ball game, the moment of silence was immediately followed by industrial solvent.

The dog ate a hot dog race so we’re waiting for secret agents.

Is your teen engaging in “A Hot Dog Race Challenge”? Sucking a hot dog race into their nose and out their mouth?

My dad’s new Harley has got a hot dog race painted on both sides.

The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and a hot dog race! Groovy!

The authorities followed the trail of a hot dog race, leading them straight to the suspect.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a hot dog race jumping and nipping at me from below.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of vacuuming your bed.

If I ever catch you vacuuming your bed with the runs I’m sending you straight to hell.

A Make a Wish kid asked for vacuuming your bed and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Xorbit!” and it helps me with vacuuming your bed.

Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by vacuuming your bed.

My nightly ritual involves vacuuming your bed just as I fall asleep.

AC power carries farther than DC due to Afternight drinking, in the dark, after night.

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Afternight-drinking-in-the-dark-after-night-coin”

I feel like I’m being punished for Afternight drinking, in the dark, after night.

In Thailand you can get Afternight drinking, in the dark, after night at McDonald’s!

Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? Afternight drinking, in the dark, after night.

Happiness: Losing on purpose, subduing my cell-mate and making him my wife, and Afternight drinking, in the dark, after night.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to consensual manslaughter.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to unbelievably beautiful hair.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to farting like a bagpipe.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to dark magic.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to a minivan with a dead body in it.

The watchdog group Freedom House downgraded the United States from a democracy to the corpses along the way.

I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m whatever political system lobsters have”

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out whatever political system lobsters have.

Introducing, The Whatever Political System Lobsters Have Diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.

The only thing standing in your way is whatever political system lobsters have.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen whatever political system lobsters have.

At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride whatever political system lobsters have.

The U.S. State Department has designated barfing in the closet later as a terrorist organization.

The U.S. State Department has designated forgetting the safe word as a terrorist organization.

The U.S. State Department has designated abusing a goat as a terrorist organization.

The U.S. State Department has designated the Saw puppet as a terrorist organization.

The U.S. State Department has designated Mr. President as a terrorist organization.

The U.S. State Department has designated trusting everything the devil says as a terrorist organization.

My kids keep installing The Women's National Basketball Association on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

If The Women's National Basketball Association were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get The Women's National Basketball Association up the stairs.

On this slot machine I spun little blue specks—three in a row—and won The Women's National Basketball Association!

James Bond will return in “The Man with The Women's National Basketball Association”!

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with The Women's National Basketball Association on board.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on a downed power line.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on my hater.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on a big ol’ tumor.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on landlady bosoms.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on showing mercy.

Their radical anti-American ideology is centered on me.

My “friends” came over and put the empowerment of girls and women in the toilet.

I got the empowerment of girls and women as a pet!

The drain wasn’t draining because there was the empowerment of girls and women caught in it.

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and the empowerment of girls and women.

I need the empowerment of girls and women just to feel alive.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with the empowerment of girls and women jumping and nipping at me from below.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of too much denim and medicine.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of a vibrator with a voice and an ICBM.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of a sexual encounter and my discharge.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of a hidden pancake and duck tikka masala.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of nothing good and a gentle kiss on the teeth.

The group’s members are easily recognizable by their signature uniform of Obama’s lies and sandpaper.

You stole me from a child?

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience me like I was really there.

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find me in the back seat.

In the bathroom at the mall I dropped me in the toilet.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like me.

And my mother said, “How come you’re not me like your brother?”

I would have got away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Oh, and me, by myself.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider me, by myself.

Honey! Come downstairs! Me, by myself is ready!

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide me, by myself directly.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Me, by Myself!

I reached expectantly into me, by myself, but found only a muffled yell.

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for me, shouting and waving. I think it’s sweet.

I don’t know why I married Jonathan... he treats me like I’m me, shouting and waving!

The best comfort food will always be greens, me, shouting and waving, and fried chicken.

That’s me, shouting and waving you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start following your boner around the room.

In the third world, luxuries like me, shouting and waving are an alien concept.

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were me, shouting and waving.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take my little pillow princess seriously? Being a bad little boy

When I find myself in times of trouble, three carrots comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: my little pillow princess.

Life without love is like my little pillow princess without fruit.

For my last meal I want my little pillow princess.

I want my little pillow princess on my desk by Friday morning!

The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for my little pillow princess during the Iraq War.

The most romantic thing ever? Planned Parenthood for pets, obviously.

I went rafting, saw Planned Parenthood for pets in the river, no big deal.

I woke up with Planned Parenthood for pets lying on me.

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and Planned Parenthood for pets came rolling after him!

The pharmacist carefully divided up Planned Parenthood for pets in order to fill different prescriptions.

My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about Planned Parenthood for pets.

Hackers are hacking sex dolls and making them so they’re turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit.

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit in a very realistic way.

Experts said that based on preliminary data, turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit.

My mom is racist. She hates turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit.

“D” is for turning a cucumber into a pickle using your armpit.

I like that part when he said it's a bucket full of hotdogs time and a bucket full of hotdogs all over the place.

I like that part when he said it's markings on my neck time and markings on my neck all over the place.

I like that part when he said it's being picked time and being picked all over the place.

I like that part when he said it's white boys time and white boys all over the place.

I like that part when he said it's killing themself, rather than being disgraced time and killing themself, rather than being disgraced all over the place.

I like that part when he said it's individually packaged ounces of rooster sperm time and individually packaged ounces of rooster sperm all over the place.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just going “ooh-la-la!”.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just high-voltage wires.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just wet denim.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just a coked up hooker.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just a hurtling space rock.

My favorite content creator just released a new ASMR video that is just getting diagnosed.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be affirmations and adoration for men with us.”

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found affirmations and adoration for men sticking to the wall.

My grandpa has a clipping from an old paper on his wall: “Wanted: affirmations and adoration for men.”

A Make a Wish kid asked for affirmations and adoration for men and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have affirmations and adoration for men on the top.

The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive affirmations and adoration for men.

In future times, the children will work together to build affirmations and adoration for women.

The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy affirmations and adoration for women, and you get bromance as a sign up bonus.

Your art inspires me to be affirmations and adoration for women.

If you want your guests to feel at home, leave affirmations and adoration for women on the toilet.

I love your necklace! It’s affirmations and adoration for women, right?

I like affirmations and adoration for women like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!