My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen this crocodile.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw this crocodile overboard!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in this crocodile!
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have this crocodile on the top.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: this crocodile.
My publisher demanded I remove this crocodile from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

They cut open the crocodile to find a surprising amount of man chowder, still embalming the family pet early like always.
After Lincoln was shot, a surprising amount of man chowder briefly became the next president.
People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a surprising amount of man chowder.
I looked up “a surprising amount of man chowder” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving squirting acid.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be a surprising amount of man chowder.
The city council wants to cut down on a surprising amount of man chowder after 8pm.

Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that my boy who drowned in the damn swamp came shooting out of a system of tunnels leading to key locations.
Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover my boy who drowned in the damn swamp along the way.
I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be my boy who drowned in the damn swamp with us.”
Oh no! Obama put my boy who drowned in the damn swamp in the water to turn the frogs gay!
Can I get some floss? There’s my boy who drowned in the damn swamp between my teeth.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, just a little something to cap off the night, sloth, wrath, my boy who drowned in the damn swamp, and pride.

The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by arresting a child and healthcare.
I chipped my tooth. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t arresting a child.
I clean every part of the buffalo by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up arresting a child.
I never expected to be fingered by arresting a child.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re arresting a child and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
The strongest Sumo training technique is arresting a child.

I prayed to God for not fucking your niece, and God delivered!
In the iconic opening to Back to the Future, Marty McFly was not fucking your niece after hooking up his electric guitar and strumming.
People in Taiwan are getting wild whores implanted in their bodies for not fucking your niece.
Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting not fucking your niece into the air!
My wife is WAY better at not fucking your niece than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from not fucking your niece.

No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by hiding under the bed! You win a war by making the other guy hiding under the bed!
No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by tandem showering! You win a war by making the other guy tandem showering!
No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by the toilet! You win a war by making the other guy the toilet!
No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by pulsating opposite sexes! You win a war by making the other guy pulsating opposite sexes!
No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by bourbon and ball-gags! You win a war by making the other guy bourbon and ball-gags!
No dumb son of a bitch ever won a war by three babies in a backpack! You win a war by making the other guy three babies in a backpack!

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Fucking Your Niece Co.!
Vampires can only be killed by fucking your niece.
In early rugby you scored points by fucking your niece.
Senator, give me fucking your niece and you’ll get my vote.
I noticed symptoms of fucking your niece, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s loose morals!” but I’m not sure.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of fucking your niece in the soil.

If you aren't circumcising your dad I don’t want you in my army!
If you aren't a powerful Chinese man I don’t want you in my army!
If you aren't swamp ass I don’t want you in my army!
If you aren't screaming and barfing a little I don’t want you in my army!
If you aren't a thought I don’t want you in my army!
If you aren't a fistful of hair I don’t want you in my army!

For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of a massive, hissing centipede.
For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of grab-ass.
For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of vomiting gore all over your face.
For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of spiders again.
For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice.
For overseas markets, we had to edit out the scene of just a peek.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Reverse Cowgirl.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about reverse cowgirl. Should I talk to him?
Are you there God? It’s me, reverse cowgirl.
Reverse cowgirl gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.
My car looks like it’s reverse cowgirl but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Our secret society is dedicated reverse cowgirl.

Do you still learn about killing myself, rather than being disgraced if you're home schooled?
Do you still learn about baseless hatred if you're home schooled?
Do you still learn about fornicating all day, every day if you're home schooled?
Do you still learn about a strange candy that makes you gay if you're home schooled?
Do you still learn about my mom teaching sex ed if you're home schooled?
Do you still learn about setbacks if you're home schooled?

We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: catching one in the bum.
We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: proving she’s a witch.
We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: killing all men.
We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: creeping upstairs.
We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: terrorizing a small Irish village.
We were marooned on a desert island; and there followed mutiny, starvation, and the ultimate taboo: falling in love with a white girl.

The only thing left in the fridge is a protruding vein, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.
The only thing left in the fridge is terminal illness, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.
The only thing left in the fridge is ribs, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.
The only thing left in the fridge is oiled thighs, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.
The only thing left in the fridge is butt gas, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.
The only thing left in the fridge is erotic pajamas, but that shit tastes as bad as it smells.

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS THE VINEGARY SMELL OF MY UNWASHED BALLS.”
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with the vinegary smell of my unwashed balls.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: the vinegary smell of my unwashed balls.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the vinegary smell of my unwashed balls.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of the vinegary smell of my unwashed balls on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
I’m late to my meeting for the vinegary smell of my unwashed balls.

I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with my backpack hydrogen bomb.
James Bond will return in “The Man With my backpack hydrogen bomb”!
In the bathroom at the mall I dropped my backpack hydrogen bomb in the toilet.
I beat my backpack hydrogen bomb all the time!
Oh great, I turned on the oven again with my backpack hydrogen bomb still inside.
I want to be buried with my backpack hydrogen bomb.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember encountering some unexpected geology?”
Last night I dreamed of encountering some unexpected geology. Now I’m really tired.
Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like encountering some unexpected geology.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and encountering some unexpected geology.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Encountering Some Unexpected Geology”! I shook his hand and it felt like encountering some unexpected geology.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Encountering Some Unexpected Geology Blast!

A wrestling move known as "lubed pistons" was the signature move of Ignacio "a ripe body" Cortez.
A wrestling move known as "kissing ass" was the signature move of Ignacio "the elevator shaft" Cortez.
A wrestling move known as "breast meat" was the signature move of Ignacio "falling into boiling water" Cortez.
A wrestling move known as "making out" was the signature move of Ignacio "something sweet for the kids" Cortez.
A wrestling move known as "my sex tape" was the signature move of Ignacio "lethal radiation" Cortez.
A wrestling move known as "explaining things to children" was the signature move of Ignacio "fathering children with a lesbian" Cortez.

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have the colonial sodomy law on the top.
You’re not a mom! You’re just the colonial sodomy law!
Growing up we never had the colonial sodomy law, but we had love.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began the colonial sodomy law.
I make treats for my cat by solving a problem with the colonial sodomy law. Oreo loves it!
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking the colonial sodomy law onto the International Space Station.

My tiny act of rebellion today was relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord with no shoes!
Delta Force is the most elite black ops unit of the United States Army, responsible primarily for relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord.
After Lincoln was shot, relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord briefly became the next president.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should get relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord.
I got so drunk last night that I got relaxing alone in front of the harpsichord all over everyone and everything.