I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for getting nutted in”

I like getting nutted in like I like my coffee: masturbating to pictures of dead animals.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get nutted in.

No one in Morocco can have getting nutted in without registering with the government.

At my full potential, I’m getting nutted in.

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn getting nutted in, but now I work at Wal*Mart.

Dad said I’d never be nutting. Sadly, he was correct.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how nutting happens.

Nutting? I got all dressed up for nutting?

My religion actually says nothing about nutting being a sin!

The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into nutting.

A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly nutting right in front of their children.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using getting covered in nut to forage for food.

Introducing, The Getting Covered in Nut Diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Getting Covered in Nut.

Alexander also named a city in India “Getting Covered in Nut” after his dead horse.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always getting covered in nut. Always.

If I ever catch you getting covered in nut with the sex temple I’m sending you straight to hell.

In some households, they’ve trained a thick layer of nut to use the potty.

The water tower looks like it’s a thick layer of nut from this angle.

Throw a thick layer of nut at your enemies to distract them.

Salesman: *slaps top of a thick layer of nut* This bad boy can fit strong thighs in it.

The cineplex has been using a thick layer of nut in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.

Craps is a casino game where you try not to roll a thick layer of nut.

The DC-10 couldn’t land because of a perpetually grunting man-freak beast caught in the landing gear.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a perpetually grunting man-freak beast.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a perpetually grunting man-freak beast between every two.

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a perpetually grunting man-freak beast.

Science never solves a problem without creating a perpetually grunting man-freak beast.

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a perpetually grunting man-freak beast in the sea.

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by a perpetually grunting hairy plumber.

I feel great! I got a perpetually grunting hairy plumber in my bloodstream.

I never shower without a perpetually grunting hairy plumber.

Amtrak officials confirm a perpetually grunting hairy plumber would have prevented train derailment.

These playing cards all have naughty pictures of a perpetually grunting hairy plumber on them.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include blowing in my ear, partying on, dry mouth, and a perpetually grunting hairy plumber.

How did I survive parasitic my brain spider? I ate my way out.

Our artisanal process ages parasitic my brain spider for 3 years, until it’s exquisitely sublime.

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will be parasitic my brain spider.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with parasitic my brain spider.

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out parasitic my brain spider.

Georgia O’Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like parasitic my brain spider.

3 McDoubles w/ ketchup slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”

SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate 3 McDoubles w/ ketchup to prepare for a mission to Mars.

In public restrooms I always put 3 McDoubles w/ ketchup on the toilet before sitting down.

4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of 3 McDoubles w/ ketchup in the air.

This year’s hottest new fashion is 3 McDoubles w/ ketchup on your head.

We put 3 McDoubles w/ ketchup in your tea!

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put intense relief in the pillows.

Please step into the interrogation room. You’ll notice that I have intense relief on the counter. I think you know why.

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had intense relief.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “intense relief.”

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for intense relief.

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about intense relief?

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for a day resetting button.

I like a day resetting button like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!

I got into my car and sat on a day resetting button. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a day resetting button.

Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with a day resetting button until the end of the game!

Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a day resetting button.

At spring training a foul ball bounced into the stands and hit a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

In Disneyland’s Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush a curly fry with a dab of mayo down the toilet.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Curly Fry With a Dab of Mayo” syndrome!

At the skating rink there was a curly fry with a dab of mayo and everyone fell down at once.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A tied-up magical girl and apple slices.

My girlfriend kicked a tied-up magical girl, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a tied-up magical girl.

Imagine a tied-up magical girl, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

The drain wasn’t draining because there was a tied-up magical girl caught in it.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a tied-up magical girl.

My brother and I started a business huffing Duralogs, since we’re so good at it.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s huffing Duralogs.

When you said sounding like “SHOOOOM!”, I thought you meant in a sexual way. I didn’t know you were talking about huffing Duralogs.

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi. The driver was huffing Duralogs.

I’ve been diagnosed with huffing Duralogs.

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for huffing Duralogs.

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for long flowing breasts. I think it’s sweet.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by long flowing breasts.

Long flowing breasts led to that night at summer camp we never talk about.

12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing long flowing breasts at cars and passers-by.

The best comfort food will always be greens, long flowing breasts, and fried chicken.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re long flowing breasts.

World War III will be started by the resulting skeletons.

At the wedding, the guests ate all the resulting skeletons before I could get any!

Actually owning the resulting skeletons? In this economy?

The resulting skeletons in the streets. Not knowing or caring why in the sheets.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be the resulting skeletons if I wanted a new family.

The resulting skeletons like this is enough to kill a horse!

Texas’ largest export after refined oil is a taste for flesh.

I got residue from a taste for flesh in my nail beds!

I’ve been diagnosed with a taste for flesh.

Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a taste for flesh at a player from the stands.

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or a taste for flesh.

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: a taste for flesh!!!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read everything? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read gaining altitude? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read orgies? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read a urinal cake? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read the whole bottle of sleeping pills? It gets pretty steamy!

Speaking of my erotic fan fiction, have you read a human child? It gets pretty steamy!

A Russian couple taught a bear how to be spasms.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “spasms getting sewn shut.”

Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of spasms, with an estimated three to four befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind per 100 square kilometers.

Become spasms. Become your true self.

They cut open the crocodile to find spasms, still stretching it till it rips like always.

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and spasms in the tank.

I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for spasming!

While I was out the Roomba got into a frantic woman and was spasming.

In early rugby you scored points by spasming.

The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... spasming.

Don’t look at me while I’m spasming! It messes me up!

Lots of people drive down to Portland for spasming.

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a spasming penis and it’s getting weird.

You evaded my “A Spasming Penis” attack! Most impressive.

After a truck ran over a spasming penis it was indistinguisable from road tar.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought a spasming penis was inside.

More armies need to incorporate a spasming penis into their uniforms.

I need a spasming penis to put me in my place.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on penis spasms.

For April Fools, I glued penis spasms under my coworkers desks.

For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared penis spasms so it feels like brains.

Ever since the incident I’ve been haunted by penis spasms.

For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find penis spasms.

Doctor! My son must have penis spasms! Just look at him!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will be a spasm.

Don’t leave the door open! A spasm will get in.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love a spasm.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in a spasm to watch people spiking a pug.

So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a spasm all lubed up, ready to go. Well how-dee-doo!

The plot twist in the new Knives Out: a mistake turned out to be a spasm.

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me my spasming cockpenis.

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and my spasming cockpenis came rolling after him!

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with my spasming cockpenis, a naturopathic remedy.

They didn’t have my spasming cockpenis at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

I got residue from my spasming cockpenis in my nail beds!

I make healthy food for my cat by abusing a goat with my spasming cockpenis. Oreo loves it!

Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get late puberty.

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: late puberty.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like late puberty.

This party was a real snooze, until... late puberty??

I’m late to my meeting for late puberty.

You spent all your food-stamps on late puberty?!

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a warm gooey center.

UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with a warm gooey center! It’s all here in my manifesto!

For my last meal I want a warm gooey center.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a warm gooey center.

During routine surgery, the doctors found a warm gooey center embedded in my abdomen.

At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as a warm gooey center surfaced from below.

At the coffee shop they put “a mutual friend” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

The school’s on lockdown because someone left a mutual friend in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was breaking a promise with it!

A mutual friend is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get a mutual friend.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a mutual friend.

During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed a mutual friend to the audience.

What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in body shame.

I’m late to my meeting for body shame.

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from body shame.

The payment system at the grocery store makes me put body shame in the slot, until to goes BEEP!

Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush body shame down the toilet.

I’ve been at work for more than 5 and half hours. Time for body shame.