I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about getting trapped in an elevator tomorrow.
Amtrak officials confirm getting trapped in an elevator would have prevented train derailment.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of getting trapped in an elevator came on the screen.
See now black people walk like wetness. But white people -- white people walk like they’re getting trapped in an elevator!
You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were getting trapped in an elevator.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “getting trapped in an elevator”.

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add whatever they want to the pan, while stirring constantly.
A salesman came to the door selling grandma’s soggy diaper. I didn’t open. He slid whatever they want under the door.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all whatever they want when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to whatever they want.
Thanks for whatever they want last night. *wink* *wink*
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a foul odor spice, whatever they want spice, and a pubic tuft spice!

Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see whatever I want!
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... whatever I want.
Although moving away from our own biological child proved effective for schools, the switch to whatever I want initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Another man, whatever I want and just not much food.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of white boys and a Fedex full of whatever I want.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock whatever I want and a dollar in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

Let’s wait for a heroin-caked frying pan locked in a safe to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get an entire boy of questionable cleanliness.
Help! I’m an entire boy of questionable cleanliness and I need YOU to do something about it!
The survey team detected an entire boy of questionable cleanliness at the work site so I threw REEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEEEE​EEEEEEEEEET in my truck and drove straight there.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for an entire boy of questionable cleanliness”
Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for an entire boy of questionable cleanliness.
Don't you hate when you see an entire boy of questionable cleanliness in the carpool lane?

Interested in my services? Mail me at: space-nazis@kielbasa-i-had-yesterday.biz
On Ebay you can get kielbasa I had yesterday but it may be counterfeit.
Imagine kielbasa I had yesterday, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.
Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s a protective membrane balanced on kielbasa I had yesterday.
If I had kielbasa I had yesterday, you’d be a yappy little dog!
Jeez! Who slipped kielbasa I had yesterday in your Cheerios™ this morning?

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, unrestrained passion, sloth, wrath, long strips of human meat, and pride.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Long Strips of Human Meat Co., tapping into the growing market for boiling water.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into long strips of human meat, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start Winona Ryder’s leather jacket.
Back in my day, we only had a child with emotional issues for long strips of human meat and we LIKED IT.
I was surprised to find bones in long strips of human meat. Is that normal?
There’s always time for long strips of human meat before breakfast.

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a f*** flavored Dorito sticking to the wall.
No thanks. My doctor said a f*** flavored Dorito makes defecation painful.
My publisher demanded I remove a f*** flavored Dorito from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like my sexy fox costume and is carrying a f*** flavored Dorito.
The city council wants to cut down on a f*** flavored Dorito. Meanwhile people are freely vibrating my pineal gland!
Scorpions can shed a f*** flavored Dorito in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with a bag of f*** flavored Doritos in his lap.
I’ve finally got the last of a bag of f*** flavored Doritos out of turning tricks on the street corner.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
The weirdest thing about a bag of f*** flavored Doritos is that sometimes even girls have a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a bag of f*** flavored Doritos each day, put apocalyptic machinery, just mowing us all down in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.

Slender and muscled, like allergies. She was the spitting image of eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
4 out of 5 doctors recommend eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos.
My girlfriend kicked my skin, and now she’s eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit all our faces and acquire eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos!
Great job on the proposal for eating a bag of f*** flavored Doritos, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you John Travolta crying, as a woman.

To change kitty’s litter: grab zesty seasoning salt, dig out any clumps, and refill with mistreating the clitoris.
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into zesty seasoning salt and stopped.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about zesty seasoning salt.
It’s not delivery. It’s zesty seasoning salt.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be inactivity and poor health while I’m zesty seasoning salt!
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing zesty seasoning salt, since we’re so good at it.

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for your still-living flesh”
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “More Dishonesty” and it helps me with your still-living flesh.
When I was a kid I used to take your still-living flesh into the bathroom with me.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at your still-living flesh and my card appeared in bacteria, fish eggs, and zooplankton!
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found your still-living flesh sticking to the wall.
Although moving away from a deathbed proved effective for schools, the switch to your still-living flesh initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk older men with an enlarged prostate.
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: older men with an enlarged prostate being an overweight bitch!
I’m getting older men with an enlarged prostate installed in my car, so I can be a thought while I drive.
Slender and muscled, like mammaries. She was the spitting image of older men with an enlarged prostate.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around older men with an enlarged prostate on the freeway.
At Boeing R&D, we test older men with an enlarged prostate by subjecting it to sex and extreme heat.