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My car (which was about to explode) Slender and muscled, like my car (which was about to explode). She was the spitting image of femininity. They cut open the crocodile to find my car (which was about to explode), still searching his ass like always. You can’t keep running around like my car (which was about to explode), you’re going to put an eye out! In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found my car (which was about to explode) sticking to the wall. Life without love is like my car (which was about to explode) without fruit. While you’re at the store can you pick up my car (which was about to explode), in family size? |
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May 23 at 00:05 UTC
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India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on infinity crows. My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was infinity crows. No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in infinity crows! Went to Uwajimaya, bought infinity crows, dried and in a bag. Wanna try? Gather round, family, it’s time to hang infinity crows on the Christmas tree. Jeez! Who slipped infinity crows in your Cheerios™ this morning? |
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May 23 at 00:08 UTC
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A whole big bunch of electricity Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a whole big bunch of electricity for the first time! I overheard someone in the TSA line saying, “I’m a whole big bunch of electricity” The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “a whole big bunch of electricity,” while in use. In this story, only the true king can pull Excalibur out of a whole big bunch of electricity. Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be a whole big bunch of electricity if I wanted a new family. My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a whole big bunch of electricity in the pillows. |
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May 23 at 05:36 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5199
1,227 ₧
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A well-planned school shooting It’s always nice to relive a well-planned school shooting in my mind. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began a well-planned school shooting. A well-planned school shooting: It’s nature’s candy! I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a well-planned school shooting. At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get a well-planned school shooting on your popcorn. But of the tree of a well-planned school shooting you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die. An impressive school shooting IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from solar, and the eco-glass windows trap in an impressive school shooting. An impressive school shooting is really bad for your complexion. Can you come get me? I got mixed up with an impressive school shooting and it’s getting weird. “You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember an impressive school shooting?” Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with an impressive school shooting between every two. I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to an impressive school shooting. A mid-at-best school shooting Lots of people drive down to Portland for a mid-at-best school shooting. I dug around for hours in the trash but never found a mid-at-best school shooting. The Sword of Damocles was a mid-at-best school shooting hanging over King Dionysius by a thread. Until quite recently, a mid-at-best school shooting had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man. On this map of Boston, each dot represents a mid-at-best school shooting. The city condemned our house after finding a mid-at-best school shooting in the crawlspace. |
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May 23 at 14:00 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5199
1,227 ₧
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During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize fresh moose velvet. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider fresh moose velvet. I couldn’t get into my apartment. Some powerful kind of fresh moose velvet was blocking the door. Fresh moose velvet. Now in Jumbo size at Walmart®. I’ve got a master’s degree in Fresh Moose Velvet! My husband’s man-cave needed a woman’s touch, so I decorated it with fresh moose velvet. |
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May 23 at 14:33 UTC
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I’m fine with a couple of B-25 bombers. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it? I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a couple of B-25 bombers. If I was God, you would be a couple of B-25 bombers. The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “a couple of B-25 bombers,” while in use. I have an idea! Bromance, but for kids! And they all get a couple of B-25 bombers! Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a couple of B-25 bombers. |
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May 23 at 14:39 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 857
175 ₧
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The hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood The hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood led to that night at summer camp we never talk about. Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out the hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood each day, and get chocolate coating for kitty to chase around. I hate to say it, but in prison I learned a *lot* about the hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood. At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking the hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood into women’s purses and bags. I like the hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer! Ouch! I banged both my shins into the hit '80s song 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood in the garage. |
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May 27 at 19:36 UTC
— Ed. May 27 at 19:37 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5199
1,227 ₧
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My daughter's bigger testicle The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit essentially, tomatoes and acquire my daughter's bigger testicle! Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m my daughter's bigger testicle. The Halifax bridge collapsed under the intense weight of my daughter's bigger testicle. NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used my daughter's bigger testicle. Sometimes I feel out of place at the gym then I look around and see my daughter's bigger testicle, and I feel better. The sun and my daughter's bigger testicle: a combination that just can’t be beat! |
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Jun 4 at 21:16 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5199
1,227 ₧
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A gopnik with a Kalashnikov You know what never fails to liven up the party? A gopnik with a Kalashnikov. My girlfriend kicked a gopnik with a Kalashnikov, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid! When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add a gopnik with a Kalashnikov to the pan, while stirring constantly. On Ebay you can get a gopnik with a Kalashnikov but it may be counterfeit. This party was a real snooze, until... a gopnik with a Kalashnikov?? We’re having a gopnik with a Kalashnikov situation. Please stand by... |
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Jun 4 at 21:18 UTC
— Ed. Jun 4 at 21:19 UTC
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A lethal amount of salami SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate a lethal amount of salami to prepare for a mission to Mars. My wife wears a lethal amount of salami after Labor Day because audacity is always in style. I had visions of a lethal amount of salami while in the sensory deprivation tank. It’s all fun and games until someone loses a lethal amount of salami! This year’s hottest new fashion is a lethal amount of salami on your head. No one in Morocco can have a lethal amount of salami without registering with the government. Eating a lethal amount of salami The 2028 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized eating a lethal amount of salami. I got eating a lethal amount of salami at the adult toy store. That’s all the leopards you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start eating a lethal amount of salami. Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for eating a lethal amount of salami. Lots of people drive down to Portland for eating a lethal amount of salami. The sign in the Jimmy John’s restroom says, “Thank you for eating a lethal amount of salami with precision and elegance.” |
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Jun 8 at 05:11 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5199
1,227 ₧
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when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. a child taxidermy video when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. a not-so-innocent girl when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. a dog when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. yelling “DIE!” when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. completely wigging out when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. getting tossed in the trash when still a little warm? Fresh enough, I say. |
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Jun 17 at 17:20 UTC
— Ed. Jun 17 at 17:21 UTC
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No one in Morocco can have my biological needs without registering with the government. Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The My Biological Needs Act. The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of my biological needs. A BBC team has witnessed the effects of my biological needs on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria. Opinions are like my biological needs. Everybody’s got one and they all stink. At the post office, a woman was ahead of me. My biological needs came out of her pant leg and I giggled. |
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Jun 21 at 04:55 UTC
— Ed. Jun 21 at 04:56 UTC
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I can’t believe you forced my mom into hot shit! She’s 62! Now streaming on PornHub: Debby Does Hot Shit. My “friends” came over and put hot shit in the toilet. Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of hot shit. Half the country is fornicating all day, every day. People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is hot shit. Alexander also named a city in India “Hot Shit” after his dead horse. |
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Jun 23 at 22:04 UTC
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Un was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into n. Reduced brain intelligence was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into other sex criminals. My Asian lady body was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into a divorce. Rigid peen was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into turkey tacos. Their plans was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into a fluid-filled body cavity. A hot bubbly blast of my innards was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into a soap bubble. Big Gay was so dangerous, NASA loaded it into a rocket and fired in into bathwater. |
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Jun 27 at 16:05 UTC
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The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into my men. He who controls my men controls the world. So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my men. My men. Now in Jumbo size at Walmart®. The Great Wall was actually built to keep my men out of mainland China. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for my men? |
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Jun 27 at 17:51 UTC
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Asian women in your area are v. Asian women in your area are painting rude words on the cat. Asian women in your area are burping blood. Asian women in your area are hiding some pee. Asian women in your area are making didgeridoo sounds. Asian women in your area are sewing it shut. Asian women in your area are eating money. |
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Jun 29 at 23:13 UTC
— Ed. Jun 29 at 23:13 UTC
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They put me on no Internet! They put me on an iceberg! They put me on the big ol’ boys! They put me on a dollar! They put me on slavery! They put me on a mistake! |
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Jun 29 at 23:14 UTC
— Ed. Jun 29 at 23:15 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 782
11 ₧
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This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving . This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving complex maths. This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving a fist full of bees. This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving sticking a finger in my ear, and one in my butt. This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving fluids from my face. This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving evil thinking. This game is remembered for it's controversial quicktime event involving my big boy underpants.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Tuesday at 14:47 UTC
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