Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of . Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of a real sonuvabitch.
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of my immortal soul.
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of anorexia.
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of any decent person.
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of a friend.
Forward progress is made with a snake-like slither and a vigorous thrashing of the ’80s.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:25 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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A half-man, half-catfish monster The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into a half-man, half-catfish monster.
Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: Rude Kids flavor? A Half-man, Half-catfish Monster flavor?!
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a half-man, half-catfish monster.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit the loudest possible noise and acquire a half-man, half-catfish monster!
My favorite new band is “A Half-man, Half-catfish Monster”.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of a half-man, half-catfish monster.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:26 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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A turquoise plastic pith helmet Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a turquoise plastic pith helmet.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a turquoise plastic pith helmet.
I’m a turquoise plastic pith helmet in the streets, but seizing the means of production in the sheets.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using a turquoise plastic pith helmet to forage for food.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of a turquoise plastic pith helmet in the soil.
I was vacuuming when I sucked a turquoise plastic pith helmet out from under the couch.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:28 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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A real strong blip on my gaydar I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a real strong blip on my gaydar popped out!
Opinions are like a real strong blip on my gaydar. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on a real strong blip on my gaydar.”
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a real strong blip on my gaydar and my card appeared on top!
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent a real strong blip on my gaydar, certainly others would have.
Don’t look at me while I’m a real strong blip on my gaydar! It messes me up!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:29 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Jul 15 at 23:30 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm Don't you hate when you see challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm in the carpool lane?
There is no revenge so complete as challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm.
Today you’re on the receiving end of challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm.
Introducing, The Challenged the Villian to a Duel in a Rainstorm diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
Art can be defined by challenged the villian to a duel in a rainstorm but only if it gets you a dollar and inspired.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:35 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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I noticed symptoms of delayed reaction farts, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s The Super Buttsex Arena!” but I’m not sure.
Delayed-Reaction-Farts-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Today the Senate is voting on delayed reaction farts.
Are you there God? It’s me, delayed reaction farts.
The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into delayed reaction farts.
Last night I dreamed of delayed reaction farts. Now I’m really tired.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:37 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Leaping from a car just before it explodes My father abandoned my mother and I because he was leaping from a car just before it explodes.
When the beef came at me it was like leaping from a car just before it explodes.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of googly eyes. Half the country is leaping from a car just before it explodes.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how leaping from a car just before it explodes happens.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Leaping from a Car Just Before It Explodes.
I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all leaping from a car just before it explodes when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:37 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about today. Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about steady pumping today.
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about enough lube today.
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about many people today.
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about getting wrapped around a tree today.
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about a comfortable spot today.
Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson about mailing anthrax today.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Jul 15 at 23:56 UTC
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Shooting at people in my swamp Thanks for shooting at people in my swamp last night. *wink* *wink*
Today you’re on the receiving end of shooting at people in my swamp.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found shooting at people in my swamp sticking to the wall.
Mah runnin’ legs nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid shooting at people in my swamp.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was shooting at people in my swamp.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was shooting at people in my swamp and tried to attack it.
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:29 UTC
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Don’t look at me while I’m listening to Sublime! It messes me up!
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Listening to Sublime” syndrome!
Could you buy me listening to Sublime? I’ll pay you back.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for listening to Sublime?
I can’t believe you forced my mom into listening to Sublime! She’s 62!
And my mother said, “How come you’re not listening to Sublime like your brother?”
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:35 UTC
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I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from {v}! I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from hatching out of an egg!
I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from murdering everyone who is different from you!
I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from mounting!
I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from sounding like “SHOOOOM!”!
I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from wandering around!
I don’t go down to where you work and stop you from scissoring!
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:37 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Jul 17 at 08:37 UTC
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My neck / my back / my pussy and {n} My neck / my back / my pussy and the atom
My neck / my back / my pussy and mood enhancing hormones
My neck / my back / my pussy and a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard
My neck / my back / my pussy and slow diarrhea
My neck / my back / my pussy and my bacon strip
My neck / my back / my pussy and a riding crop
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:39 UTC
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alternatively…
My neck / my back / {n} and my crack My neck / my back / the cruel ambition of my father and my crack
My neck / my back / a novelty gag dildo and my crack
My neck / my back / a legless dog on a wheeled cart and my crack
My neck / my back / five full-time chefs and my crack
My neck / my back / no Internet and my crack
My neck / my back / those responsible and my crack
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:41 UTC
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The entire bottle of Tylenol® Lonely guys in Japan can buy the entire bottle of Tylenol® that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
The rich aroma of the entire bottle of Tylenol®, from the hills of Colombia.
I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with the entire bottle of Tylenol®.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “the entire bottle of Tylenol®”
Amtrak officials confirm the entire bottle of Tylenol® would have prevented train derailment.
1) A robot may not injure the entire bottle of Tylenol®, or through inaction allow the entire bottle of Tylenol® to come to harm.
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2022 Jul 17 at 08:42 UTC
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Every French soldier carries a sniper 400 meters away in his knapsack.
In this 15th century painting, a sniper 400 meters away is represented by a man with cheese for a head.
On Ebay you can get a sniper 400 meters away but it may be counterfeit.
In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy a sniper 400 meters away from dispensaries.
Introducing, The A Sniper 400 Meters Away diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
My wife is WAY better at a sniper 400 meters away than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
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2022 Jul 17 at 09:34 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Jul 17 at 09:35 UTC
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A jerry can of old gasoline There’s always time for a jerry can of old gasoline before breakfast.
When the suspect’s car crashed, a jerry can of old gasoline launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away.
I buried my treasure under a jerry can of old gasoline so you’d never find it!
Aron Ralston was trapped under a jerry can of old gasoline for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off his arm.
Look, man, I’m not into a jerry can of old gasoline. But $20 is $20.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a jerry can of old gasoline killed as well.
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2022 Jul 17 at 09:37 UTC
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That kind of attitude is why we have one sugar molecule now.
What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in one sugar molecule.
I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were one sugar molecule.
One sugar molecule: It’s nature’s candy!
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re one sugar molecule, get to the front of the line.
The city put in new road signs to indicate one sugar molecule just up ahead.
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2022 Jul 17 at 09:39 UTC
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The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, bruises on my pelvis, sloth, wrath, throwing a brick, and pride.
My new phone looks like it’s throwing a brick but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of throwing a brick.
This year’s hottest new fashion is throwing a brick on your head.
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were throwing a brick?
My favorite new band is “Throwing a Brick”.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:36 UTC
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You gotta fight! For your right! To be {v}! You gotta fight! For your right! To get impregnated by an advanced robot!
You gotta fight! For your right! To be attacked by a skeleton!
You gotta fight! For your right! To be controlled by a child!
You gotta fight! For your right! To do it again!
You gotta fight! For your right! To rol a golf cart!
You gotta fight! For your right! To know hell!
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:38 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Jul 17 at 17:41 UTC
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If you be mammaries, you be machine guns.
If you be you, ya dirty bum, you be morphine.
If you act like a child, you be Mom and Dad.
If you solve a problem, you be gross people.
If you be a syringe of Tabasco, you be butt sounds.
If you throw up in an autistic woman’s lap, you be her penis.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:43 UTC
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I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were one smart dog.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: One Smart Dog Blast!
Apparently I owe $350 to the pool guy for putting one smart dog in my pool.
This land is 50 years land, this land is one smart dog land.
But I promised I would get my kids one smart dog for Christmas!
Any man who can drive safely while kissing one smart dog is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:47 UTC
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Take a walk on the wild side and be with me. Take a walk on the wild side and burn my junk with me.
Take a walk on the wild side and be a newer, sleeker leopard with me.
Take a walk on the wild side and be the ’80s with me.
Take a walk on the wild side and be a hot explosion with me.
Take a walk on the wild side and be a life preserver with me.
Take a walk on the wild side and be the back seat with me.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:48 UTC
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When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in {n}. When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in an emaciated bovine.
When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in my secret place.
When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in nipple placement.
When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in Evander Holyfield’s ear.
When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in turkey tacos.
When my parents gave me Tooth Fairy money, they saved my teeth in a sex swing mishap.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:50 UTC
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Honey, let’s be {v} backwards. Honey, let’s make a little whoopsie backwards.
Honey, let’s lick it backwards.
Honey, let’s brim with babies backwards.
Honey, let’s get tossed in the trash backwards.
Honey, let’s hide the pain backwards.
Honey, let’s panic in a Subaru backwards.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:52 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Jul 17 at 17:55 UTC
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The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: just ruining the vibe.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide just ruining the vibe directly.
I saw two hobos fighting over this half of the planet behind the library. One of them was just ruining the vibe.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not just ruining the vibe like your brother?”
My house. 8 o’clock. Just ruining the vibe.
The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into just ruining the vibe.
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2022 Jul 17 at 17:58 UTC
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