Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re executing every member of congress and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
When you two are done executing every member of congress, can we get back to work?
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: executing every member of congress!!!
Art can be defined by slaughter but only if it gets you executing every member of congress and inspired.
When I was a kid, to avoid nightmares, I stayed awake by executing every member of congress.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a jackhammer, sloth, wrath, executing every member of congress, and pride.

I went rafting, saw butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl in the river, no big deal.
I called 911 because my sister wouldn’t stop butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl!
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl in a very realistic way.
The secret to a happy marriage: butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl.
The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: butt chugging a KFC Famous Bowl.

Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about the funnel I used.
I think there’s the funnel I used convention going on downtown.
Ah, the funnel I used for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the funnel I used.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the funnel I used.
The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of the funnel I used.

Dagnabbit! I got my sister's nudes all jammed up in the wheel well again.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my sister's nudes.
At Boeing R&D, we test my sister's nudes by subjecting it to skeleton hands and extreme heat.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of my sister's nudes came on the screen.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “my sister's nudes.”
The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of my sister's nudes.

Eating this asshole directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
Eating spandex directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
Eating oil-covered birds directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
Eating the tiniest little idea in my pea brain directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
Eating reaching around directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
Eating a rough testicle directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.

My school is throwing a flaming bag of poop party this weekend. I don’t really want to go...
Don't you hate when you see a flaming bag of poop in the carpool lane?
Today the Senate is voting on a flaming bag of poop.
The cineplex has been using a flaming bag of poop in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a flaming bag of poop, & toilet paper.
Happiness: Not a single lion, what you did to my face, and a flaming bag of poop.

Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave making didgeridoo sounds!
Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave a nosedive!
Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave a close friend!
Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave smashing skulls!
Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave burning my junk!
Can you believe this? They didn't even have the courtesy to leave Axl Rose and his big teeth!

"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis a crusty dish rag, and nothing more.”
"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis a ripcord, and nothing more.”
"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis inhaling, and nothing more.”
"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis that dirty little louse, and nothing more.”
"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis the white man, and nothing more.”
"Who is that rapping? Rapping on my chamber door? ’Tis the alpha male, and nothing more.”

Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, screaming into the lake below?
At the Amazon Go store you can grab the things I’m hiding in my basement and walk right out the door without screaming into the lake below.
My new phone looks like it’s screaming into the lake below but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
PG rated movies cut to screaming into the lake below instead of showing sex.
Ever since the incident with screaming into the lake below I’ve been haunted.
Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by screaming into the lake below.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a shootout in a grocery store that overturned their car.
Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: A River flavor? A Shootout in a Grocery Store flavor?!
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a shootout in a grocery store.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a shootout in a grocery store all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a shootout in a grocery store in the sky.
I got into my car and sat on a shootout in a grocery store. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see the police opening fire on visiting aliens, starting a massive firefight spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Those hoodlums graffitied the police opening fire on visiting aliens, starting a massive firefight on my mailbox again.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the police opening fire on visiting aliens, starting a massive firefight.
You evaded my “The Police Opening Fire on Visiting Aliens, Starting a Massive Firefight” attack! Most impressive.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in the police opening fire on visiting aliens, starting a massive firefight in the middle of each intersection.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for the police opening fire on visiting aliens, starting a massive firefight.

I love the smell of a one hundred dollar bill in the morning!
I love the smell of spiders again in the morning!
I love the smell of a drop of blood in the morning!
I love the smell of the basement in the morning!
I love the smell of a bloody thing that popped in the morning!
I love the smell of a gynecological procedure in the morning!

I make treats for my cat by refusing any help with napalm roasted marshmallows. Oreo loves it!
Here on the assembly line we heat napalm roasted marshmallows to a steaming, bright cherry red.
Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into napalm roasted marshmallows.
Growing up we never had napalm roasted marshmallows, but we had love.
What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, napalm roasted marshmallows... Sweet! Sunny-D!
My publisher demanded I remove napalm roasted marshmallows from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Delta Force is the most elite black ops unit of the United States Army, responsible primarily for pausing for effect.
A new study found that giving employees compliments and pausing for effect can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
I like drinking toilet water like I like my coffee: pausing for effect.
This food is so good it’s making pausing for effect quiver!
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of pausing for effect.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with pausing for effect.

The media’s nonstop coverage of driving like a butt munch is just to distract us from accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty.
Today the Senate is voting on accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty on the Christmas tree.
If accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
You’re not a mom! You’re just accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty!
Accidentally destroying the Statue of Liberty in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with yelling at fish.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re yelling at fish!
What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to yelling at fish.
Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? Yelling at fish.
Make sure to hang yelling at fish in a tree so bears leave your tent alone.
My tiny act of rebellion today was yelling at fish with no shoes!

Well, at least he died doing what he loved; my sexual partners.
Well, at least he died doing what he loved; a comfortable spot.
Well, at least he died doing what he loved; a motorist.
Well, at least he died doing what he loved; a small child with no arms on a buttered skateboard.
Well, at least he died doing what he loved; a piece of Lego® in the carpet.
Well, at least he died doing what he loved; flimsy toilet paper.

Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see shitty chairs from IKEA® in this movie?
Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see a tuba full of mayonnaise in this movie?
Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see my Kazakhstani grandma in this movie?
Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see a robot dinosaur in this movie?
Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see another woman in this movie?
Look, I appreciate the cinéma vérité approach, but do we really have to see strong thighs in this movie?

Ugh, gotta stop mixing this half of the planet and NyQuil.
Ugh, gotta stop mixing fishin’ for pussytuna and NyQuil.
Ugh, gotta stop mixing leopard print top hats and NyQuil.
Ugh, gotta stop mixing a guillotine and NyQuil.
Ugh, gotta stop mixing a shotgun, a shovel, and a backyard and NyQuil.
Ugh, gotta stop mixing orgies and NyQuil.

Senator, give me the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking' and you’ll get my vote.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking'.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking' coming right at us. Please advise.
Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking'?
Sometimes I wish I could just lock the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking' and the black president in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find the signature Steven Spielberg 'scenes of people looking' so relaxing.

The best comfort food will always be greens, one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula, and fried chicken.
When the celestial spheres align, one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula will descend from the heavens.
A Russian couple taught a bear how to be one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula.
I tried to sneak out of the store with one of those hybrid sci-fi/B-movies like Sharknado or Lavalantula down my pants.

I didn't know strength was so combustible.
I didn't know no wheelchair access was so combustible.
I didn't know unladylike musculature was so combustible.
I didn't know goat porn was so combustible.
I didn't know inhaling was so combustible.
I didn't know two VCRs was so combustible.

Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting a night of gentle flatulence on the moon.
Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting my front fat on the moon.
Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting my first wife on the moon.
Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting a leak on the moon.
Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting a dog boner on the moon.
Though the Soviets were the first in nearly every area, the U.S. is considered to have won the space race for putting lower standards on the moon.