aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5170
1,227 ₧
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Being paralyzed and implanted Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore being paralyzed and implanted in a very realistic way. Shhh! I need help making being paralyzed and implanted look like an accident. Come to find out an eagle with human genitalia was being naked in the shower while I was being paralyzed and implanted. Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “being paralyzed and implanted,” with a picture of his mom. You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as being paralyzed and implanted. These playing cards all have naughty pictures of being paralyzed and implanted on them. |
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Jul 7 at 18:44 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5170
1,227 ₧
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Here at Walt Disney World Resort, we are committed to using spine covered nuts wisely. Salesman: *slaps top of your mom* This bad boy can fit spine covered nuts in it. We can be spine covered nuts. And no one has to know. President Reagan and his entire cabinet got spine covered nuts before every meeting. When I was a kid I used to take spine covered nuts into the bathroom with me. Oh no! Someone rolled up spine covered nuts in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road. |
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Jul 7 at 18:47 UTC
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My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “racist bullshit interacting with females.” Felicity got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and interacting with females. YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s interacting with females. The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is interacting with females. Chris Pratt has been interacting with females for stress relief. On Purge Day you can enjoy interacting with females without the guilt or legal consequences! |
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Jul 8 at 03:52 UTC
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We’re already half way through fucking ourselves with it, so we might as well finish it off. For Halloween we have peeled grapes that feel like eyeballs, and spaghetti that feels like fucking ourselves with it. There’s always time for fucking yourself with it before breakfast. My grandpa has a clipping from an old paper on his wall: “Wanted: fucking myself with it.” The rich aroma of fucking ourselves with it, from the hills of Colombia. For overseas markets, Miramax had to edit scenes with fucking herself with it. |
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Jul 15 at 18:24 UTC
— Ed. Jul 15 at 18:25 UTC
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Getting trampled by a horse Man, I drank so much last night that I’m basically getting trampled by a horse. The problem with America is getting trampled by a horse. For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, getting trampled by a horse every single day. While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on various fluids. I found him getting trampled by a horse. Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like getting trampled by a horse. At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting trampled by a horse at the assembly line. |
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Jul 15 at 18:26 UTC
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You evaded my “A German Pervert” attack! Most impressive. A new horror movie called “I Saw Being Maimed in Foreign Lands Last Summer” in which countless teens are killed by a German pervert. They used to call me “a German pervert” back in High School. I’m getting a German pervert installed in my car, like a rock star! Please step into the interrogation room. You’ll notice that I have a German pervert on the counter. I think you know why. James Bond will return in “The Man with a German Pervert”! |
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Jul 16 at 21:36 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5170
1,227 ₧
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A time-bomb with a swastika on it At the skating rink there was a time-bomb with a swastika on it and everyone fell down at once. We’re already half way through a time-bomb with a swastika on it, so we might as well finish it off. Well butter a time-bomb with a swastika on it and call me four arms and three legs! Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a time-bomb with a swastika on it and my card appeared on top! Gather round, family, it’s time to hang a time-bomb with a swastika on it on the Christmas tree. This is a great movie, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a time-bomb with a swastika on it. |
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Jul 18 at 16:38 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5170
1,227 ₧
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You idiot, is just and with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, T-boning an ambulance is just depravity and drinking wine in the tub all day with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, cumming while crying is just such a wonderful flavor and a very wet man with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, being pardoned is just urine sprinkles and a secret room with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, a difficult Canadian is just a tiny Jamaican and a murder, and then another murder with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, gay shit is just terrorizing that pussy and a check for $12,000 with a sexy new coat of paint! You idiot, nutters running around with chainsaws is just winding up dead and fist pumping with a sexy new coat of paint! |
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Jul 22 at 16:14 UTC
— Ed. Jul 22 at 16:15 UTC
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At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced the drunk pirates with a hidden camera. India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a hidden camera. Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at a hidden camera. I’ve been diagnosed with a hidden camera. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from a hidden camera. I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a hidden camera. |
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Jul 22 at 22:55 UTC
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It’s not delivery. It’s that dog!. Until quite recently, that dog! had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man. My grandpa has a clipping from an old paper on his wall: “Wanted: that dog!.” Somehow, the cat pulled that dog! in through the pet door. At church they taught me that my lover leads to that dog!. Is your teen engaging in “That Dog! Challenge”? Sucking that dog! into their nose and out their mouth? |
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Jul 22 at 22:57 UTC
— Ed. Jul 23 at 18:05 UTC
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incredible phrase from the WSJ
A zebra with its penis visible That’s my son, who’s about as useful as a zebra with its penis visible. Lonely guys in Japan can buy a zebra with its penis visible that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them. The letters on a modern keyboard come from typewriters, which were arranged by a zebra with its penis visible. Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover a zebra with its penis visible along the way. Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a zebra with its penis visible at a player from the stands. A zebra with its penis visible, shipped anywhere, overnight! |
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Jul 25 at 00:42 UTC
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My kid was acting up, so I took away God's mom privileges. You know what never fails to liven up the party? God's mom. In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during God's mom that overturned their car. At the post office, a woman was ahead of me. God's mom came out of her pant leg and I giggled. I wanted to scare my girlfriend so I got God's mom out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice! Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush God's mom down the toilet. |
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Jul 25 at 22:24 UTC
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Always hold on to perfect little angels to remember me. Ever since perfect little angels appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve stayed inside. I’m in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of perfect little angels. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like perfect little angels. I’ll never know why my grandparents find perfect little angels so relaxing. India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on perfect little angels. |
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Jul 25 at 22:25 UTC
— Ed. Jul 25 at 22:53 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 838
175 ₧
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Getting sucked through a time/space portal I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with getting sucked through a time/space portal. The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: Getting Sucked Through a Time/space Portal Spice! Squad, circle up. This season is not going our way. It’s time to talk getting sucked through a time/space portal. A BBC team has witnessed the effects of getting sucked through a time/space portal on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria. Teen slang alert: If you hear your teen talking about “getting sucked through a time/space portal” he or she may be huffing dangerous fumes. I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still getting sucked through a time/space portal! |
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Jul 30 at 02:57 UTC
— Ed. Jul 30 at 02:57 UTC
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Living in a mushroom drinking soup Mmmm! Living in a mushroom drinking soup! Yum! Help! I’m living in a mushroom drinking soup and I need YOU to do something about it! If living in a mushroom drinking soup were in the Olympics, I might actually watch. During sex, my girlfriend started living in a mushroom drinking soup. But she finished and we got back at it. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from living in a mushroom drinking soup. Chris Pratt has been living in a mushroom drinking soup for stress relief. |
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Jul 31 at 17:20 UTC
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I’ve decided to allow tiny pancakes in my home. The sign at the fountain says not to throw tiny pancakes in. My wife printed me a certifcate for tiny pancakes. I’m excited for tonight! Getting tiny pancakes back out of a volcano is next to impossible. I don’t need love because I’m tiny pancakes. Sorry mom! On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked tiny pancakes and now my villagers are emergency bacon. |
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Jul 31 at 17:56 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 838
175 ₧
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We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was {v} and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was burping blood and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was sticking it to the man and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was being bad in a previous life and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was mating for life and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was doing a weird sex thing and the teacher gave us a C-. We were presenting our project to the class, but my partner was peeing in the sink and the teacher gave us a C-. |
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Aug 2 at 11:43 UTC
— Ed. Aug 3 at 03:59 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 838
175 ₧
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Being gracious to everyone Military scientists in Syria found traces of being gracious to everyone in the soil. You gotta fight! For your right! To be gracious to everyone! Shared being gracious to everyone with Dad last night. He was cool about it, too! Local church ousts pastor after allegedly being gracious to everyone. Nobody likes being gracious to everyone. Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with being gracious to everyone until the end of the game! |
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Aug 2 at 11:48 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of . Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of bodily harm. Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of Satan’s dark little snatch. Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of the lemurs we all love. Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of the polite scorn of a Canadian. Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of and, they’re not proud of this, but, their father. Like Conclave, the white smoke reveals the presence of a greased slope.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:07 UTC
— Ed. Aug 3 at 23:08 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of . I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of cumming while crying. I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of a karate chop. I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of a river. I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood. I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of a beginner anal bead. I had to tell my boss that I’m late for work because of a human-sized harness.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:09 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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Sure, sounds scary, but really, they’re just . Sure, a little lesbian boy sounds scary, but really, they’re just a strangler. Sure, real life sounds scary, but really, they’re just a divorce. Sure, balls caught in the car window sounds scary, but really, they’re just a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice. Sure, getting stepped on by a dominatrix sounds scary, but really, they’re just a gentle kiss on the teeth. Sure, the whole bottle of sleeping pills sounds scary, but really, they’re just Russian mafia money. Sure, a bird heart sounds scary, but really, they’re just formaldehyde.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:10 UTC
— Ed. Aug 3 at 23:11 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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Getting taken away by goons No thanks. My doctor said Getting taken away by goons is bad for the heart. I’m stepping over me today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with Getting taken away by goons. It’s time to powerwash the remains of Getting taken away by goons off the driveway. Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use Getting taken away by goons to treat depression! Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore Getting taken away by goons in a very realistic way. You may not like it, but Getting taken away by goons is just something you have to do every day.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:12 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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The daughter of a crime boss Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had the daughter of a crime boss killed as well. Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with the daughter of a crime boss until the end of the game! Furious that I damaged his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into the daughter of a crime boss. The survey team detected letting Jesus take the wheel at the work site so I grabbed the daughter of a crime boss and drove straight there. My neck / my back / the daughter of a crime boss and my crack Eating the daughter of a crime boss directly out of the fridge is a sure sign of depression.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:13 UTC
— Ed. Aug 3 at 23:13 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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Making their daughter come like a howler monkey Zombies can only be killed by making their daughter come like a howler monkey. My cat wont stop making his daughter come like a howler monkey. What should I do? My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about making my daughter come like a howler monkey. I have an idea! Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster), but for kids! And they all make your daughter come like a howler monkey! I had visions of making my daughter come like a howler monkey while in the sensory deprivation tank. I had better get reimbursed for making my daughter come like a howler monkey.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:15 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 745
11 ₧
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I saw {pt} gathered around candles in the woods while {scv}. I saw gay chemicals gathered around candles in the woods while shaking. I saw a bunch of hillbillies buggering each other gathered around candles in the woods while looking really homeless. I saw white people and their fucking problems gathered around candles in the woods while drinking out of the dog water. I saw shavings gathered around candles in the woods while daddy’s favorite. I saw 99 dancers, dancing in unison gathered around candles in the woods while a pretty floral bonnet. I saw two firetrucks gathered around candles in the woods while a gay Mexican.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Aug 3 at 23:16 UTC
— Ed. Aug 3 at 23:21 UTC
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