Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a post-apocalyptic gang rumble, even before I put on my clothes.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Post-apocalyptic Gang Rumble.
The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.
I never expected to be fingered by a post-apocalyptic gang rumble.
A post-apocalyptic gang rumble saved is a post-apocalyptic gang rumble earned.

Being mildly injured by a loaded gun sounds strangely appealing.
Being mildly injured by micropenises sounds strangely appealing.
Being mildly injured by an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around sounds strangely appealing.
Being mildly injured by a stink bug sounds strangely appealing.
Being mildly injured by giving birth to it sounds strangely appealing.
Being mildly injured by a falling tree sounds strangely appealing.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of giggling with unwarranted glee.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was giggling with unwarranted glee.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about giggling with unwarranted glee. Should I talk to him?
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for giggling with unwarranted glee.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit mutual discomfort and acquire giggling with unwarranted glee!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS GIGGLING WITH UNWARRANTED GLEE.”

Apparently, “Illegally Smuggling Mimes” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember illegally smuggling mimes?”
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to illegally smuggling mimes.
Alexander also named a city in India “Illegally Smuggling Mimes” after his dead horse.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into illegally smuggling mimes! She’s 62!
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by illegally smuggling mimes.

Howdy neighbor, love your azalea bush! Let’s eat cat food from the can sometime!
Wolves don’t eat eating cat food from the can, and neither should kings.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit eating cat food from the can and acquire a massive, hissing centipede!
It wasn’t in the movie, but they had a lot of eating cat food from the can on the Titanic.
At the gym they have this new machine where you’re eating cat food from the can.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is eating cat food from the can.

President Reagan and his entire cabinet got a rival gang leader before every meeting.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a rival gang leader for years to keep the flock in line.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A RIVAL GANG LEADER.”
In the iconic opening to Back to the Future, Marty McFly was a rival gang leader after hooking up his electric guitar and strumming.
Do they make pills for a rival gang leader?
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out kevlar underwear each day, and get a rival gang leader for kitty to chase around.

I went rafting, saw teenagers from outer space in the river, no big deal.
My wife wears teenagers from outer space after Labor Day because audacity is always in style.
Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like teenagers from outer space.
I’m sure I blew teenagers from outer space in this napkin somewhere.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by teenagers from outer space.
Always walk into an interview with teenagers from outer space and confidence, and you’ll get the job.

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and armed with a dead cop's gun came rolling after him!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS ARMED WITH A DEAD COP'S GUN.”
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate armed with a dead cop's gun.
All the best love stories include armed with a dead cop's gun.
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of armed with a dead cop's gun.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was armed with a dead cop's gun and tried to attack it.

I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing the Aztec Mummy down the gopher holes.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced the Aztec Mummy with a riding crop.
Always hold on to the Aztec Mummy to remember me.
The authorities followed the trail of the Aztec Mummy, leading them straight to the suspect.
While I was out the Roomba got into the Aztec Mummy and was masturbating furiously.
The Aztec Mummy slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”

Stop screaming! You think I like no touching and no sex? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Stop screaming! You think I like not noticing? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Stop screaming! You think I like white people and fucking problems? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Stop screaming! You think I like gettin’ all up close? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Stop screaming! You think I like turning tricks on the street corner? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!
Stop screaming! You think I like wetting the bed? NO! Get on your orange and yellow knees and kiss my clown feet that I haven't killed you!!

The problem with America is being stuck in limbo with you.
Doctor! My child has being stuck in limbo with you coursing through his veins!
The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into being stuck in limbo with you.
We’re at the circus! There are jugglers, and a man is being stuck in limbo with you on a galloping horse.
Alexander also named a city in India “Being Stuck in Limbo with You” after his dead horse.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s being stuck in limbo with you.

It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a black bra and leopard-print panties off the grill.
That kind of attitude is why we have a black bra and leopard-print panties now.
Delta Force is the most elite black ops unit of the United States Army, responsible primarily for a black bra and leopard-print panties.
Oh no! Obama put a black bra and leopard-print panties in the water to turn the frogs gay!
Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to a black bra and leopard-print panties, even before I put on my clothes.
In prison we used to cook a black bra and leopard-print panties in the toilet.

Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with being smothered in gravy, Texas style?
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly being smothered in gravy, Texas style right in front of their children.
Today the Senate is voting on being smothered in gravy, Texas style.
It started out as drinks with friends and ended with being smothered in gravy, Texas style.
Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at being smothered in gravy, Texas style.
Those hoodlums graffitied being smothered in gravy, Texas style on my mailbox again.

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a successful cattle roping.
My religion demands that I must abstain from a successful cattle roping.
In public restrooms I always put a successful cattle roping on the toilet before sitting down.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Successful Cattle Roping” syndrome!
If you do a successful cattle roping right, all that matters is you have a good time.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a successful cattle roping onto the International Space Station.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up the girl in Lovers Lane on the porch to surprise the kids.
My wife is WAY better at the girl in Lovers Lane than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
The patient screamed until, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and the girl in Lovers Lane emerged!
Lonely guys in Japan can buy the girl in Lovers Lane that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking the girl in Lovers Lane onto the International Space Station.
Doctor! My child has the girl in Lovers Lane coursing through his veins!

The media’s nonstop coverage of singing to the opening credits is just to distract us from flipping over and spraying into the air.
In early rugby you scored points by singing to the opening credits.
At my full potential, I’m singing to the opening credits.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from singing to the opening credits.
The singing to the opening credits story is a hoax! Just an excuse by the elites for swindling queers!
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit shaved bears and acquire singing to the opening credits!

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a professional hobo. Should I talk to him?
Oh no! Someone rolled up a professional hobo in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s a professional hobo.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with a professional hobo.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a professional hobo, in family size?
Throw a professional hobo at your enemies to distract them.

The new artsy indie game “That Feeling of Well-being” is a deeply emotional exploration of fist pumping.
The only thing standing in your way is that feeling of well-being.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw that feeling of well-being at a player from the stands.
When I think South America, I feel that feeling of well-being.
My publisher demanded I remove that feeling of well-being from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Hello, 911? I think there’s that feeling of well-being in my house...

The-Puffy-Guy-Whos-a-Big-Blurry-Sex-Machine-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
If you do the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine right, all that matters is you have a good time.
Happiness: A super-tiny butt hole, the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine, and a real bad bitch.
The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find the puffy guy who's a big blurry sex machine so relaxing.

I’ll never know why my grandparents find a random tiger so relaxing.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was a random tiger and tried to attack it.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore a random tiger in a very realistic way.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy a random tiger that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a random tiger removed from us both.
The HOA says I can’t have a random tiger on my own damn property.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-practical-dynamite-storage, or even some kind of a-dumpster-fire scene.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find practical dynamite storage.
Practical dynamite storage like this is enough to kill a horse!
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for practical dynamite storage?
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have practical dynamite storage.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how practical dynamite storage happens.

They found drool drops buried in the creases of a traffic cone full of bibimbap. Authorities are mystified.
They found a giant eraser buried in the creases of funds. Authorities are mystified.
They found a blind, but happy, puppy buried in the creases of mom. Authorities are mystified.
They found less chaos buried in the creases of spandex. Authorities are mystified.
They found even more bees buried in the creases of hooplah. Authorities are mystified.
They found my shadow buried in the creases of $20 worth of pot. Authorities are mystified.

It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by cummy pussy.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for cummy pussy.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with cummy pussy.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of cummy pussy in the soil.
They don’t make cummy pussy like they used to!
Daddy! There’s cummy pussy under my bed. Kill it kill it!

Jesus is a roll of toilet paper.
Jesus is a scissor session.
Jesus is baseless hatred.
Jesus is $18 worth of Taco Bell™.
Jesus is a Steam update.
Jesus is my DMs.