Crytax

Crytax

User name
Crytax
Assigned title
Ph. D in Cryonics
Assigned post color
#88aacc
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Registration date
2006 April 26
Post count
700
Score
11 ₧
Location
People's Republic of Cascadia
Signature
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
Timezone
UTC
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Recent posts by Crytax

Recent posts by Crytax

The sex dojo
n

New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: The Sex Dojo Blast!

That kind of attitude is why we have the sex dojo now.

Oh no! Mom sold the sex dojo at the charity shop!

Gather round, family, it’s time to hang the sex dojo on the Christmas tree.

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for the sex dojo?

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the sex dojo around the building.


Oct 29 at 18:27 PDT
Thick and healthy hair
nc

During my driving test, I backed my car into thick and healthy hair. I still got an 85!

I accidentally dropped thick and healthy hair in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.

Chase bank is giving out thick and healthy hair this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with thick and healthy hair jumping and nipping at me from below.

Doctor! My son must have thick and healthy hair! Just look at him!

In the bathroom at the mall I dropped thick and healthy hair in the toilet.


Oct 28 at 15:59 PDT
Humanoid hashbrowns
np

Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover humanoid hashbrowns along the way.

I clean humanoid hashbrowns by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up being pickled.

Throw humanoid hashbrowns at your enemies to distract them.

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be humanoid hashbrowns.

Humanoid hashbrowns saved is humanoid hashbrowns earned.

I eat humanoid hashbrowns like you for breakfast.


The battle-hardened sphincter
n

I was vacuuming when I sucked the battle-hardened sphincter out from under the couch.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get the battle-hardened sphincter up the stairs.

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about the battle-hardened sphincter?

Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the battle-hardened sphincter.

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the battle-hardened sphincter” incident in the science lab.

I wasn’t always black... there was the battle-hardened sphincter, and it got bigger and bigger.


Jun 23 at 20:19 PDT
A suspicious lack of dragons
np

Help! I’m a suspicious lack of dragons and I need YOU to do something about it!

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a suspicious lack of dragons into women’s purses and bags.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A suspicious lack of dragons and apple slices.

That weird tree in the backyard had started growing a suspicious lack of dragons.

Ever since a suspicious lack of dragons appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve stayed inside.

The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a suspicious lack of dragons.


Jun 23 at 20:18 PDT
When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the   Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the assassinating Kim Jong-un Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the my biggest vein Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the shooting a rabbit with an arrow Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the floppin’ out my baby door Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the gay shit Age.

When the Dragon Age concludes, the next century will be called the Tony’s prison baby Age.


A photo of a shotgun
n

These tilapia will eat anything we throw in: a photo of a shotgun, garbage... even the “fun” stuff.

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under a photo of a shotgun.

The authorities followed the trail of a photo of a shotgun, leading them straight to the suspect.

Ich bin ein a photo of a shotgun.

Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s a photo of a shotgun, in bronze, towering over the park?

Well butter overzealous product placement and call me a photo of a shotgun!


May 18 at 22:22 PDT
Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay
n

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay really affected me.

There’s always time for Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay before breakfast.

It’s time to powerwash the remains of Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay off the driveway.

When I get older, I don’t want to be Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay.

At church they taught me that Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay leads to doing it again.

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with Slim-Jim Bussey from Tampa Bay, a naturopathic remedy.


2023 Apr 15 at 11:58 PDT
My collection of lesbians
np

It started out as drinks with friends and ended with my collection of lesbians.

My wife cooked my collection of lesbians in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: my collection of lesbians.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up my collection of lesbians on the porch to surprise the kids.

The survey team detected my collection of lesbians at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

Oh great, I turned on the oven again with my collection of lesbians still inside.


2023 Apr 14 at 21:51 PDT
Secret illicit nighttime tea drinking
vt

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and secret illicit nighttime tea drinking. There was a report.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Secret Illicit Nighttime Tea Drinking!

I clean the white man by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up secret illicit nighttime tea drinking.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires secret illicit nighttime tea drinking.

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: secret illicit nighttime tea drinking!!!

If you kids don’t stop secret illicit nighttime tea drinking, I will turn this car around!