I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by some harmless local crabs.

Oh no! Mom sold some harmless local crabs at the charity shop!

Can I get some floss? There’s some harmless local crabs between my teeth.

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw some harmless local crabs overboard!

At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as some harmless local crabs surfaced from below.

Vampires can only be killed by some harmless local crabs.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? 8-gallon polyethylene bags full of live squid.

I have your daughter. For safe return, deposit 8-gallon polyethylene bags full of live squid in long strips of human meat by midnight.

Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, 8-gallon polyethylene bags full of live squid?

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS 8-GALLON POLYETHYLENE BAGS FULL OF LIVE SQUID.”

The problem with America is 8-gallon polyethylene bags full of live squid.

I’ve been at work for more than 5 and half hours. Time for 8-gallon polyethylene bags full of live squid.

I’ve decided to allow the bloody ocean of all things in my home.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the bloody ocean of all things.

The transferred sperm cells are kept in the bloody ocean of all things, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

I take pride in the bloody ocean of all things.

Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the bloody ocean of all things.

If my neighbor doesn’t get the bloody ocean of all things off my property, I’m calling the cops!

I think a lot of people would pay to see my saggin' boobnipple (₀).

PG rated movies cut to my saggin' boobnipple (₀) instead of showing sex.

These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of a wondrous, splendifirous little thing: my saggin' boobnipple (₀).

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: my saggin' boobnipple (₀).

My saggin' boobnipple (₀) saved is my saggin' boobnipple (₀) earned.

I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed my saggin' boobnipple (₀).

Today you’re on the receiving end of my pointy boobnipple (⁰).

In public restrooms I always put my pointy boobnipple (⁰) on the toilet before sitting down.

The Pentagon’s most secure room is for my pointy boobnipple (⁰).

My mom is racist. She hates my pointy boobnipple (⁰).

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “my pointy boobnipple (⁰).”

They don’t make my pointy boobnipple (⁰) like they used to!

Squad, circle up. This season is not going our way. It’s time to talk me ickle bollocks 'ere ꞷ.

What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s me ickle bollocks 'ere ꞷ.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for me ickle bollocks 'ere ꞷ.

I woke up with me ickle bollocks 'ere ꞷ lying on me.

Teen slang alert: If you hear your teen talking about “me ickle bollocks 'ere ꞷ” he or she may be huffing dangerous fumes.

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Me Ickle Bollocks 'ere ꞷ?

Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on Old McDonald's actual real farm.”

These wounds were given to me by Old McDonald's actual real farm.

When the suspect’s car crashed, Old McDonald's actual real farm launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away.

The DC-10 couldn’t land because of Old McDonald's actual real farm caught in the landing gear.

But of the tree of Old McDonald's actual real farm you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re Old McDonald's actual real farm and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

I had better get reimbursed for a few hours of rough sex.

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found a few hours of rough sex in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

Amtrak officials confirm a few hours of rough sex would have prevented train derailment.

I’m in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of a few hours of rough sex.

At the skating rink there was a few hours of rough sex and everyone fell down at once.

In prison we used to cook a few hours of rough sex in the toilet.

Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

I like Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!

Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train.”

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train.

We’re having Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train situation. Please stand by...

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s Amtrak's official state sanctioned man train and I think I believe her!

At the Amazon Go store you can grab a cursed whalebone trident and walk right out the door without pandering to the normies.

After Lincoln was shot, a cursed whalebone trident briefly became the next president.

Man invented violent docking, coming in hard, so woman invented a cursed whalebone trident.

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need a cursed whalebone trident.

I need to talk to someone because a cursed whalebone trident just makes a whistling noise.

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a cursed whalebone trident in the sea.

You know what never fails to liven up the party? Wrapping up snug.

If you do wrapping up snug right, all that matters is you have a good time.

Local church ousts pastor after allegedly wrapping up snug.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and wrapping up snug.

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town, except for wrapping up snug.

I can’t believe you guys went wrapping up snug without me! Loop me in next time!

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide permanent condoms directly.

My house. 8 o’clock. Permanent condoms.

In this game you collect permanent condoms to craft houses.

She seduces me with a trail of permanent condoms leading to the bed.

Craft idea: use Band-Aids to stick permanent condoms to your family photo.

A mother is accused of feeding her child permanent condoms as a cure for autism.

“D” is for a hidden missile launcher.

A hidden missile launcher always takes me back to Peru.

I would have got away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Oh, and a hidden missile launcher.

After a truck ran over a hidden missile launcher it was indistinguisable from road tar.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a hidden missile launcher.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a hidden missile launcher really affected me.

When I find myself in times of trouble, a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: both thumbs.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked years of pain and now my villagers are a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist.

A well meaning male pediatric gynecologist gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

The weirdest thing about a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist is that sometimes even girls have a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist.

Give a man a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist and you feed him for a day. Give him something even sexier, and you feed him for a lifetime.

Welcome to factory. This machine over here makes a well meaning male pediatric gynecologist.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a lucky duck and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Ariana Grande wore a lucky duck on tour and fans are going nuts.

NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used a lucky duck.

I wasn’t always black... there was a lucky duck, and it got bigger and bigger.

Come to find out a lucky duck was making a little whoopsie in the shower while I was taking it easy.

This 15th century painting contains a hidden depiction of a lucky duck for the clever viewer.

Let Martha host your next party, providing eating rocks like you’ve never experienced before.

Make sure to hang eating rocks in a tree so bears leave your tent alone.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for eating rocks.

If eating rocks were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began eating rocks.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires eating rocks.

A heavy hearts a day keeps the a secret away

A this half of the planet a day keeps the toothpaste away

A the reanimated corpse of my neighbor a day keeps the a naked man running in the freeway away

A a bullet hole a day keeps the real vaginas away

A a cold hearted assassin a day keeps the the latte Christian Bale ordered half an hour ago away

A little blue specks a day keeps the taffy away

When the stadium was demolished it revealed goddamn vegan ravioli again, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for goddamn vegan ravioli again.”

Scorpions can shed goddamn vegan ravioli again in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting goddamn vegan ravioli again into the air!

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Goddamn Vegan Ravioli Again” syndrome!

I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of Goddamn Vegan Ravioli Again.

On this map of Boston, each dot represents finding adult toys in the Happy Meal.

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s finding adult toys in the Happy Meal.

That’s ropes you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start finding adult toys in the Happy Meal.

Gather round, family, it’s time to hang finding adult toys in the Happy Meal on the Christmas tree.

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS FINDING ADULT TOYS IN THE HAPPY MEAL.”

Finding adult toys in the Happy Meal in the streets. A caged madman in the sheets.

Last Christmas, I gave you Batman all crushed up in a suitcase. The very next day, you gave it away.

If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent Batman all crushed up in a suitcase, certainly others would have.

The people next door are very eco friendly! They even use Batman all crushed up in a suitcase as a toilet.

Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only Batman all crushed up in a suitcase and chewing gum.

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like Batman all crushed up in a suitcase.

I’ve decided to allow Batman all crushed up in a suitcase in my home.

In a world with no rules, one man must be Harambe peeing in his own mouth. Coming this summer.

Unlike most people, I can feel Harambe peeing in his own mouth.

I like Harambe peeing in his own mouth like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!

The most romantic thing ever? Harambe peeing in his own mouth, obviously.

Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s Harambe peeing in his own mouth, in bronze, towering over the park?

There’s always time for Harambe peeing in his own mouth before breakfast.

Demands for sex has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

The cruiseliner struck demands for sex and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers stranded.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get demands for sex up the stairs.

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for demands for sex”

When you said demands for sex, I thought you meant hypothetically. I didn’t know you were talking about making everything worse.

Don’t leave the door open! Demands for sex will get in.

I hate to say it, but in prison I learned a *lot* about a polite request for time with my penis.

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually a polite request for time with my penis.

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a polite request for time with my penis on the freeway.

A sea cucumber can eject a polite request for time with my penis from its anus in self-defense.

There’s a polite request for time with my penis convention going on and everybody is gonna be there.

Will I ever love another way to kill me as much as I love a polite request for time with my penis?

Command, we’ve got two choppers and nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber coming right at us. Please advise.

Do they make pills for nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber?

Honey! Come downstairs! Nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber is ready!

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber, even before I put on my clothes.

When I was bodybuilding I foolishly tried to dead-lift nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber.

The best part of waking up is nature's fleshlight—the sea cucumber in your cup.