aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of wearing a placenta.
When I was a kid, to avoid nightmares, I stayed awake by wearing a placenta.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide wearing a placenta directly.
It's like they always say: wearing a placenta never changes.
The new artsy indie game “Wearing a Placenta” is a deeply emotional exploration of falling in love with a white girl.
In the first Battle of Wearing a Placenta he faced my momma’s fatness, and with one great blow he split them in half.
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2021 Jul 30 at 20:29 UTC
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At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Drone-striking the Cat”! I shook his hand and it felt like drone-striking the cat.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience drone-striking the cat like I was really there.
At Boeing R&D, we test a big ol’ fruit by subjecting it to drone-striking the cat and extreme heat.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Drone-striking the cat.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Drone-striking-the-cat-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving Roman battlesex.
I don’t know how doing surgery on LSD could lead to drone-striking the cat but it probably involves victory or death!
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2021 Jul 30 at 22:28 UTC
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Half the people around here Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of half the people around here.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Half-the-people-around-here-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving butt gas.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as half the people around here, score points by doing a weird sex thing, and my secret place shall not be on the field.
At BASF we don’t make half the people around here. We make half the people around here better.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was the caboose of a mantrain, part was insane shoes, and it was crowned with half the people around here.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for half the people around here!
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2021 Jul 30 at 22:31 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 30 at 22:39 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Rock hard swaths of man penis There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had rock hard swaths of man penis removed so he could be an elevator.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was rock hard swaths of man penis.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually rock hard swaths of man penis.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a perfect vacuum and rock hard swaths of man penis. Should I talk to him?
Her inheritance was squandered upon rock hard swaths of man penis while Cinderella was abused and forced to become love in her own home.
Don’t look at me while I’m rock hard swaths of man penis! It messes me up!
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2021 Jul 30 at 22:31 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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I officially notify that you are and that you must gluttonously consume {n} I officially notify that you are furiously caressing each other and that you must gluttonously consume a leak
I officially notify that you are the death simulator and that you must gluttonously consume a bloody thing that popped
I officially notify that you are a prybar and that you must gluttonously consume Nicki Minaj’s hot pants
I officially notify that you are drinking toilet water and that you must gluttonously consume a good girl
I officially notify that you are $18 worth of Taco Bell™ and that you must gluttonously consume an Amazon woman
I officially notify that you are being bred in captivity and that you must gluttonously consume very depraved porn
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2021 Jul 30 at 22:33 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 30 at 22:36 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid.
Don’t shake 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid so hard, it’ll start my taxidermied daughter.
Senator, give me 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid and you’ll get my vote.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid at my place.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab 50-60 lbs. of beef or a 5-6 year old kid and walk right out the door without accepting any crap without opposing thoughts.
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2021 Jul 31 at 01:50 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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A group of kids capable of repopulating At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on a pulpy mass when I bought a group of kids capable of repopulating.
I think a lot of people would pay to see a group of kids capable of repopulating.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise furiously caressing each other by rewarding them with a group of kids capable of repopulating.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a group of kids capable of repopulating to the funeral.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out a group of kids capable of repopulating for free on every corner.
At the skating rink there was a group of kids capable of repopulating and everyone fell down at once.
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2021 Jul 31 at 03:22 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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We’re having a garage sale to get rid of empty space, your precious family, and a sexy, but stylish full turn.
I got a 57-foot-diameter tunnel boring machine as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with your precious family?
We’re having your precious family situation. Watch out for more legs and please stand by...
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on your precious family.”
The Great Wall was actually built to keep your precious family out of mainland China.
The only thing standing in your way is your precious family.
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2021 Jul 31 at 03:34 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Getting complete control over Donald Duck We couldn’t land because of a dust cloud caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like getting complete control over Donald Duck.
The Pentagon’s most secure room is for getting complete control over Donald Duck.
My school is throwing a glass pane party this weekend. Come for a Vietnamese landmine. Stay for getting complete control over Donald Duck!
The Green Party’s new campaign slogan: Getting Complete Control over Donald Duck.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s getting complete control over Donald Duck.
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting complete control over Donald Duck.
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2021 Jul 31 at 06:23 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 31 at 06:23 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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A satisfying public execution Ha! You activated my trap card, “Going as Deep as Possible!” You’re cursed with a satisfying public execution until the end of the game!
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only a satisfying public execution and a gold ingot come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: a satisfying public execution getting it on!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Satisfying Public Execution” and it helps me with working me up into a frenzy.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, a satisfying public execution, sloth, wrath, being followed by bears, and pride.
Life without love is like a satisfying public execution without ear worms or fruit.
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2021 Aug 2 at 02:27 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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A dispassionate killing spree Growing up we never had a dispassionate killing spree, but we had to deal with hatching out of an egg.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a dispassionate killing spree.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s a dispassionate killing spree.
I heard you were talking about a dispassionate killing spree so I had to come over!
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is a dispassionate killing spree.
The Sword of Damocles was a dispassionate killing spree hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
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2021 Aug 3 at 05:02 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Aug 3 at 05:03 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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My favorite new band is “Imaginary Friend, Captain Howdy and Getting Gelded”.
This party was a real snooze, until getting gelded got things jumpin’.
For my project I’m making getting gelded. But I need to see if they have a wank at the craft store.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of getting gelded.
The new artsy indie game “Enough Mules” is a deeply emotional exploration of getting gelded.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in getting gelded!
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2021 Aug 5 at 00:32 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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An extremely ugly person named Buttfeast I came with an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought his holiness the pope so nobody even noticed!
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast like I was really there.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast removed so she can live a normal life.
An extremely ugly person named Buttfeast like this is enough to kill a horse!
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast.
I’m sure I blew an extremely ugly person named Buttfeast in this napkin somewhere.
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2021 Aug 6 at 04:08 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Aug 6 at 04:12 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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The Great Wall was actually built to keep blood pizza out of mainland China.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for blood pizza.
Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw blood pizza at a player from the stands.
If you have a dream about blood pizza, it means you’re worried about being borderline experimental.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out blood pizza.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride blood pizza. It made me feel like I was peeing in the sink.
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2021 Aug 6 at 07:25 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation Amtrak officials confirm typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation would have prevented train derailment.
People around the world recognize typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
This workplace has gone (0) days without typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation.
Work John Travolta crying, as a woman up until frothing before spreading across typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
At the skating rink there was typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation and everyone fell down at once.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember typical middle-class lives of quiet desperation?”
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2021 Aug 8 at 05:37 UTC
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My cockatoo popped out of {n}. So funny and cute! My cockatoo popped out of a horse’s booty. So funny and cute!
My cockatoo popped out of the thing hanging out of my butt. So funny and cute!
My cockatoo popped out of a wet tongue. So funny and cute!
My cockatoo popped out of David Bowie’s mysterious bulge. So funny and cute!
My cockatoo popped out of skeleton hands. So funny and cute!
My cockatoo popped out of a cataclysmic magic spell. So funny and cute!
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2021 Aug 8 at 16:56 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Aug 8 at 16:58 UTC
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Here on the assembly line we heat Satan’s latest abomination to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is 69’ing in a tiny boat.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of 69’ing in a Tiny Boat.
The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of 69’ing in a tiny boat.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s a giant eraser in love with 69’ing in a tiny boat very much they do a... special hug.”
I bought a sexual encounter yesterday and now I can’t stop 69’ing in a tiny boat!
Vote for me and I’ll stop 69’ing in a tiny boat, get rid of mammaries, and give everyone his holiness the pope for free.
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2021 Aug 9 at 18:52 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Aug 9 at 18:53 UTC
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Move over, girls! Hasbro has created {UT}: Boy Edition. Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Touching Your Vaggie While Sleeping: Boy Edition.
Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Amputated Eyelids: Boy Edition.
Move over, girls! Hasbro has created The Reanimated Corpse of My Neighbor: Boy Edition.
Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Jesus’s Death: Boy Edition.
Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Spinning Blades: Boy Edition.
Move over, girls! Hasbro has created The Last Condom: Boy Edition.
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2021 Aug 10 at 00:59 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Aug 10 at 01:16 UTC
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My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not {v}. My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not self-cutting.
My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not shooting a rabbit with an arrow.
My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not murdering.
My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not quitting Facebook.
My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not hiding the elderly.
My dad's in trouble with the IRS for not not riding a Segway.
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2021 Aug 10 at 01:19 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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While {n} is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful. While a gasping woman is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
While Velcro shoes is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
While words is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
While the rope my pappy hanged his self with is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
While a small chubby is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
While hate-fucking is too soft to be of practical use, it is strikingly beautiful.
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2021 Aug 10 at 08:11 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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The best comfort food will always be greens, my spaghett, and fried chicken.
For Halloween we’re peeling my spaghett so it feels like eyeballs, and we made jerking it so it feels like brains.
I clean my spaghett by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up killing the Batman.
My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found my spaghett inside. I should take it to Pakistani cosmonauts!
There’s always time for my spaghett before breakfast.
My wife is WAY better at my spaghett than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
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2021 Aug 11 at 01:33 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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The TSA has made new rules mandating an awful handy on every commercial flight.
It’s not delivery. It’s an awful handy.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me an awful handy and it’s getting weird.
Today I bought an awful handy from the back of a van. They also threw in an empty Tic Tac® box, which I didn’t even think was legal.
At BASF, we don't *make* an awful handy, we make an awful handy *better*.
The authorities followed the trail of an awful handy, leading them straight to the suspect.
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2021 Aug 12 at 01:47 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Pool rules: No running. No enough mules. Keep just you, surprisingly out of the deep end.
There is no revenge so complete as just you, surprisingly.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of just you, surprisingly in the soil.
Just you, surprisingly is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just taking it easy. Sorry.
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add just you, surprisingly to the pan, while stirring constantly.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found just you, surprisingly sticking to the wall.
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2021 Aug 12 at 23:48 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Less centipedes and more penis Less centipedes and more penis has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as less centipedes and more penis equipped with careful penetration.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into less centipedes and more penis! She’s 62!
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with just a coincidence. So bring less centipedes and more penis.
The shockwave from a Secret Service agent at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused less centipedes and more penis in the streets.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of less centipedes and more penis.
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2021 Aug 14 at 03:10 UTC
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The new Ford F-750 with more torque than God’s asshole.
God’s asshole from the Ohio county fair to be destroyed due to infection.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am God’s asshole. Would you like to try our new special, diddling?
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed God’s asshole.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of God’s asshole.
No more God’s asshole at Starbucks.
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2021 Aug 14 at 15:54 UTC
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