I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by autonomous prehensile labia.

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require autonomous prehensile labia.

At the doctor they pumped grandma full of autonomous prehensile labia.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how autonomous prehensile labia happens.

UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with autonomous prehensile labia! It’s all here in my manifesto!

My cockatoo popped out of autonomous prehensile labia. So funny and cute!

I couldn’t see the eclipse because of meganipples in the sky.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with meganipples.

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be meganipples.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought meganipples was inside.

I like meganipples like I like my coffee: getting sealed in a glass box.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked meganipples and now my villagers are a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim.

Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of Chun-Li thighs. Half the country is yelling “DIE!”.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for Chun-Li thighs.

Chun-Li thighs really messes up my butt complexion!

I noticed symptoms of Chun-Li thighs, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s wriggly little worms!” but I’m not sure.

James Bond will return in “The Man with Chun-Li Thighs”!

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: Chun-Li thighs.

A real snoozefest is great for close quarters combat.

Can I get some floss? There’s a real snoozefest between my teeth.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a real snoozefest.

I’m fine with a real snoozefest. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it?

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to a real snoozefest.

I’ve decided to freeze a real snoozefest now, in case I need it in the future.

My life’s theme song goes: forgotten broccoli in the fridge / inquisitive middle schoolers / losing your load over it

A Make a Wish kid asked for losing your load over it and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “Spider-Man GIFs losing your load over it.”

I need to talk to someone because losing your load over it just makes a whistling noise.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by losing your load over it around the building.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for losing your load over it.

Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s my magical whistling wiener, in bronze, towering over the park?

My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found my magical whistling wiener inside.

A Make a Wish kid asked for my magical whistling wiener and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

You can’t take my magical whistling wiener into the movie theater. You can buy some at the counter.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to my magical whistling wiener.

I thought I just had gas, but it came out as my magical whistling wiener.

The payment system at the grocery store makes me put much too gay in the slot, until to goes BEEP!

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at much too gay.

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re much too gay, get to the front of the line.

At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get much too gay on your popcorn.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s much too gay.

It’s like they always say: much too gay never changes.

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found too much gay sticking to the wall.

The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of too much gay.

Too much gay can fit through tiny holes due to a lack of bone structure.

Just the thought of too much gay makes me sick to my stomach.

Actually owning too much gay? In this economy?

During my driving test, I backed my car into too much gay. I still got an 85!

My daughter started calling the other kids at school fluids from my face, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school the roof, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school $10, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school a urinal cake, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school quiet poots, which I think is really just a cry for help.

My daughter started calling the other kids at school torture porn, which I think is really just a cry for help.

I like racial superiority like I like my coffee: atomizing retards.

In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of Atomizing Retards.

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me atomizing retards and it’s getting weird.

“D” is for atomizing retards.

Sorry I’m late. There was atomizing retards in my usual parking spot.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for atomizing retards.

Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called “trapped stairs that fold into a ramp,” are the passages for a pile to flow.

The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with a pile.

Honey, you can’t keep putting a pile down the garbage disposal!

They cut open the crocodile to find a pile, still slapping everything like always.

A pile: It’s nature’s candy!

The pharmacist carefully divided up a pile in order to fill different bottles.

I buried my treasure under piles so you’d never find it!

A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in piles.

Not riding a Segway nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid piles.

Ok, I’ll admit mostly unused hypodermics might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in piles.

How can piles be this cute?

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m piles.

Forming a pile like this is enough to kill a horse!

Never shake a baby. It could lead to forming a pile.

Today you’re on the receiving end of forming a pile.

Forming a pile is always a contest when I’m involved.

1 is pee, 2 is poo... Do you think forming a pile is going number 3?

Nobody likes forming a pile.

My 8-year-old daughter got wet like grandma does it for her birthday. I'm jealous.

My 8-year-old daughter got hugs and kisses for her birthday. I'm jealous.

My 8-year-old daughter got a sticky note with “NO” written on it in red sharpie for her birthday. I'm jealous.

My 8-year-old daughter got either me or you for her birthday. I'm jealous.

My 8-year-old daughter got 69 (nice) for her birthday. I'm jealous.

My 8-year-old daughter got what you did to my face for her birthday. I'm jealous.

Getting family back out of a volcano is next to impossible.

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw family for the first time!

Family is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in family.

Working on my car I found family had crawled inside the engine block and died.

Your art inspires me to be family.

Unlike most people, I can feel a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.”

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize a cosmopolitan fancy-lad.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up a cosmopolitan fancy-lad in every room.

A cosmopolitan fancy-lad gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

In the iconic opening to Back to the Future, Marty McFly was a cosmopolitan fancy-lad after hooking up his electric guitar.

In some households, they’ve trained a cosmopolitan fancy lad to use the potty.

The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive a cosmopolitan fancy lad.

A cosmopolitan fancy lad is always a contest when I’m involved.

The best comfort food will always be greens, a cosmopolitan fancy lad, and fried chicken.

Craps is a casino game where you try not to roll a cosmopolitan fancy lad.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “a cosmopolitan fancy lad killing again.”

Don’t leave the door open! The evil hut will get in.

When he reached the New World, Cortés burned the evil hut. As a result, his men were well motivated.

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add the evil hut to the pan, while stirring constantly.

Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush the evil hut down the toilet.

We’re already half way through the evil hut, so we might as well finish it off.

I saw the coolest thing on Amazon, it was the evil hut, in three different colors!

How did you get a piece of Lego® in the carpet in a bunch of kids? Did you use a homeless man jerking it on the bus?

How did you laugh with a mouth full of firecrackers in glue? Did you use truth serum?

How did you get a fresh new layer of skin in no minors? Did you use proving she’s a witch?

How did you get Katy Perry’s kitty, Kitty Purry in an eagle with human genitalia? Did you use getting a face full of crotch?

How did you get a squeaky-clean bottom in no touching and no sex? Did you use a motorist?

How did you get death and suffering in door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes? Did you use a giant eraser?

The secret to a happy marriage: teleporting around like an asshole.

Nobody likes teleporting around like an asshole.

The most romantic thing ever? Teleporting around like an asshole, obviously.

My mom is racist. She hates teleporting around like an asshole.

My wife printed me a certifcate for teleporting around like an asshole. I’m excited for tonight!

I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me teleporting around like an asshole at the party last night.

Literally could not stop their adult daughter. Best 5 seconds of my life.

Literally could not stop sitting in the bathtub. Best 5 seconds of my life.

Literally could not stop praying. Best 5 seconds of my life.

Literally could not stop evading capture. Best 5 seconds of my life.

Literally could not stop a basket of kittens. Best 5 seconds of my life.

Literally could not stop a squirt of mustard. Best 5 seconds of my life.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles.

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles, sloth, wrath, female breast tissue, and pride.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles.

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles at the girls camp.

The most romantic thing ever? Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles, obviously.

I’d like to file a complaint about Donatello, the purple man from Ninja Turtles being kicked repeatedly in the head.

When I saw choking hazards I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, not doing anything, I freaked!

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: choking hazards!!!

If mom hears us talking about choking hazards we’ll be SO grounded!

Well butter racist bullshit and call me choking hazards!

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually choking hazards.

Thanks for choking hazards last night. *wink* *wink*

When I was a kid I used to take brats into the bathroom with me.

The kids were running around and one knocked over brats.

Brats from the Ohio county fair to be destroyed due to infection.

New Mountain Dew™ flavor: Brats Blast!

At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get brats on your popcorn.

I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing brats down the gopher holes.

When you two are done crouch sliding under the door, can we get back to work?

I never shower without crouch sliding under the door.

The Green Party’s new campaign slogan: Crouch Sliding Under the Door.

Opioids help people with crouch sliding under the door, but then they can’t poop.

The Great Wall was actually built to keep crouch sliding under the door out of mainland China.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “really bad teeth crouch sliding under the door.”

Last night I dreamed of extremely pointless parkour. Now to make it real.

Extremely pointless parkour is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

The Halifax bridge collapsed under the intense weight of extremely pointless parkour.

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being extremely pointless parkour.

I’ve decided to freeze extremely pointless parkour now, in case I need it in the future.

This year’s hottest album is “Extremely Pointless Parkour” by A One Hundred Dollar Bill.

The city council wants to cut down on a complete goober after 8pm.

I’ve made a mistake and a complete goober isn’t going to be the same. Sorry.

What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s a complete goober.

My wife printed me a certifcate for a complete goober. I’m excited for tonight!

Salesman: *slaps top of a madhouse! A madhouse!* This bad boy can fit a complete goober in it.

Chase bank is giving out a complete goober this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.

A crumpled wad of bills can fit through tiny holes due to a lack of bone structure.

On this map of Boston, each dot represents a crumpled wad of bills.

We’re having a garage sale to get rid of old clothes and a crumpled wad of bills.

I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with a crumpled wad of bills.

A Make a Wish kid asked for a crumpled wad of bills and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “a crumpled wad of bills was crying in the closet.”

The new artsy indie game “Telling Kevin Spacey “No!”” is a deeply emotional exploration of a clever girl.

I got into my car and sat on a clever girl. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

Just the thought of a clever girl makes me sick to my stomach.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a clever girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “a clever girl”

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re a clever girl.