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At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride rich perverts. Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with rich perverts. I thought I was alone with rich perverts but my mom walked in. We got to obtaining a goth girlfriend and I felt better. The transferred sperm cells are kept in rich perverts, where they can remain viable for longer periods. That’s not funny. My father was killed by rich perverts. My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put rich perverts in the pillows. |
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Jan 4 at 07:38 UTC
— Ed. Jan 4 at 07:39 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5130
1,227 ₧
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My unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body in a very realistic way. It’s all fun and games until someone loses my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body! I just dug up my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum! I’ve been diagnosed with Your Mom’s Bathroom’s Syndrome. It makes my body always try to be my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body. If I ever catch you T-boning an ambulance with my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body I’m sending you straight to hell. In the third world, luxuries like my unshaven, unwashed cave-woman body are an alien concept. |
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Jan 7 at 23:32 UTC
— Ed. Jan 7 at 23:33 UTC
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The media’s nonstop coverage of the gravy dimension is just to distract us from a hairy, sexy cave-woman. Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a hairy, sexy cave-woman onto the International Space Station. The authorities followed the trail of a hairy, sexy cave-woman, leading them straight to the suspect. Life without love is like a hairy, sexy cave-woman without fruit. You stole a hairy, sexy cave-woman from a child? Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about a hairy, sexy cave-woman! |
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Jan 7 at 23:35 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Bumper sticker: My other ride is two door-to-door sickos. Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover two door-to-door sickos along the way. After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Two Door-to-door Sickos” Squad, circle up. This season is not going our way. It’s time to talk two door-to-door sickos. When the bear came at me it was like two door-to-door sickos. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy two door-to-door sickos, and you get a karate chop as a sign up bonus.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 8 at 15:39 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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A new order where the currency is MURDER Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a new order where the currency is MURDER. I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by a new order where the currency is MURDER. Scorpions can shed a new order where the currency is MURDER in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will be a new order where the currency is MURDER. I can’t seem to find a new order where the currency is MURDER that isn’t little sausage crumbles! A salesman came to the door selling a new order where the currency is MURDER. I didn’t open. He slid a virus under the door.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 8 at 15:40 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of them R Kelly fantasizes about getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of him with a young Beyonce. Everybody was getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of them in front of me in the McDonald’s drive thru. Don’t you hate when you see getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of you in the carpool lane? The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of me. Welcome to the Grand Hotel. Feel free to get together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of us at any time. I prayed to God for getting together all the girls in England and choosing a band out of me, and God delivered!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 8 at 15:47 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars Studies have shown even a little bit of swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars can change the teen brain. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars. I’ve decided to allow swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars in my home. Swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars is known to the state of California to cause cancer. My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel Swallowing-a-Xanex-the-size-of-a-Snickers-bars-iatto with whip and sprinkles. I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into swallowing a Xanex the size of a Snickers bars, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 04:22 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher, costing billions of dollars. The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher. After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher. I got pulled over the other day when I was shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher. Apparently, that’s a crime. Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will shoot at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher. Shooting at a school bus full of kids and also a very sexy teacher? That’s a Chad move.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 04:23 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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An Italian cop getting into their little squad car with their tiny espresso cup Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot an Italian cop getting into his little squad car with his tiny espresso cup. I clean an Italian cop getting into my little squad car with my tiny espresso cup by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up pulling out just in time. The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of an Italian cop getting into their little squad car with their tiny espresso cup. My car looks like it’s an Italian cop getting into my little squad car with my tiny espresso cup but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B. As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began an Italian cop getting into its little squad car with its tiny espresso cup. Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and an Italian cop getting into his little squad car with his tiny espresso cup came rolling after him!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 04:24 UTC
— Ed. Jan 9 at 04:25 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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If you were to ask if is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if ...........KA-BLAM!! is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if working as intended is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if an active shooter is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if fucking in front of the dog is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if the men who helped me is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'. If you were to ask if Fancy Santas is a sex thing for me, the answer would be 'not yet, but it will be later'.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 04:29 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Prosecuting transnational criminal gangs Do they make pills for prosecuting transnational criminal gangs? The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Prosecuting-transnational-criminal-gangs-coin” Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw prosecuting transnational criminal gangs. Prosecuting-Transnational-Criminal-Gangs-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat! I take pride in prosecuting transnational criminal gangs. At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a rake for prosecuting transnational criminal gangs.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 04:33 UTC
— Ed. Jan 9 at 04:34 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 712
11 ₧
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Government-subsidised dating The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for government-subsidised dating during the Iraq War. I will do anything for government-subsidised dating. But I won’t do that! A Make a Wish kid asked for government-subsidised dating and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’. Government-subsidised dating is bad for your car’s engine. Government-subsidised dating can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on government-subsidised dating.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Jan 9 at 21:30 UTC
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Sleeping backwards on the bed A mouthful of bird suet sleeping backwards on the bed. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, “Best Sleeping Backwards On the Bed.” Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time sleeping backwards on the bed. Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to sleeping backwards on the bed. 4 out of 5 doctors recommend sleeping backwards on the bed. Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting sleeping backwards on the bed into the air! |
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Jan 10 at 06:21 UTC
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My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “dad's prostate smearing.” On a rainy day, I prefer to cuddle up with dad's prostate. In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had dad's prostate removed so she can live a normal life. When the celestial spheres align, dad's prostate will descend from the heavens. Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for dad's prostate.” The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: dad's prostate. |
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Jan 10 at 15:55 UTC
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Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like coughing up a chopstick. Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with coughing up a chopstick, a naturopathic remedy. The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is coughing up a chopstick. I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for coughing up a chopstick” Local church ousts pastor after allegedly coughing up a chopstick. If you do coughing up a chopstick right, all that matters is you have a good time. |
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Jan 11 at 18:20 UTC
— Ed. Jan 11 at 18:22 UTC
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Accidentally eating their chopsticks Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider accidentally eating your chopsticks. The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into accidentally eating her chopsticks. We had to let Rebecca go because she was always accidentally eating her chopsticks with Chad. My mom got a trophy from work that says “Best at Accidentally Eating Your Chopsticks” It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s accidentally eating your chopsticks. I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require accidentally eating its chopsticks. |
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Jan 11 at 18:21 UTC
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A long-haired British freak A long-haired British freak biking down the Luxor. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, a long-haired British freak... Sweet! Sunny-D! PG rated movies cut to a long-haired British freak instead of showing sex. UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with a long-haired British freak! It’s all here in my manifesto! Come to find out a long-haired British freak was hiding in the shower while I was taking it hard. In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a long-haired British freak at the girls camp. |
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Jan 11 at 18:43 UTC
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A long-haired British freak The night before Easter, we’ll set up a long-haired British freak on the porch to surprise the kids. No one in Morocco can have a long-haired British freak without registering with the government. I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a long-haired British freak. Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: a long-haired British freak!!! Ich bin ein a long-haired British freak. I was surprised to find bones in a long-haired British freak. Is that normal? |
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Jan 11 at 18:44 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 826
175 ₧
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I found {nc} between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found a line between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found even more bees between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found black power between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found an emaciated bovine between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found my dead boyfriend between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! I found a very old jellybean between the couch cushions, and then to my horror I realized it was all over the floor too! |
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Jan 14 at 05:05 UTC
— Ed. Jan 14 at 05:13 UTC
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Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots If I ever catch you sleeping with a gun with Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots I’m sending you straight to hell. During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots to the audience. I went rafting, saw Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots in the river, no big deal. I’m in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots. It’s time to powerwash the remains of Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots off the driveway. Welcome to the Grand Hotel. Feel free to get Johnny Cash in thigh-high boots at any time. |
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Jan 17 at 18:24 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5130
1,227 ₧
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The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town, except for a girl your age. I left my shoes outside and they filled up with a girl your age. This 15th century painting contains a hidden depiction of a girl your age for the clever viewer. The new artsy indie game “A Girl Your Age” is a deeply emotional exploration of ionizing radiation. When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw a girl your age in the mirror! I’m so scared! Any man who can drive safely while kissing a girl your age is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves. |
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Jan 24 at 06:31 UTC
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Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re Elon's musk. Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on Elon's musk. The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into Elon's musk. I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be Elon's musk with us.” I feel great! I got Elon's musk in my bloodstream. More armies need to incorporate Elon's musk into their uniforms. |
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Jan 30 at 06:34 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 826
175 ₧
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The media’s nonstop coverage of the haunted port-a-potty is just to distract us from removing shards of glass. He who controls the haunted port-a-potty controls the world. I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like the haunted port-a-potty. Meet me by that sculpture downtown. You know, it’s the haunted port-a-potty, in bronze, towering over the park? World War III will be started by the haunted port-a-potty. Lots of people drive down to Portland for the haunted port-a-potty. |
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Jan 30 at 09:28 UTC
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Getting stuck in an elevator I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by getting stuck in an elevator. I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting stuck in an elevator and I think I believe her! Life is so strange. I went to college to learn getting stuck in an elevator, but now I work at Wal*Mart. The TSA is now mandating getting stuck in an elevator on every commercial flight. Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get stuck in an elevator. My health plan has a co-pay of $15 for getting stuck in an elevator. |
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Feb 1 at 21:59 UTC
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Getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad New Mountain Dew™ flavor: Getting Stuck in an Elevator and Accused of Shooting Your Dad Blast! I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad. We finally hired a guy at work to take care of getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad. In my state, getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad is a legal right for me and my native brothers. The water tower looks like it’s getting stuck in an elevator and accused of shooting your dad from this angle. Introducing, The Getting Stuck in an Elevator and Accused of Shooting Your Dad Diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise. |
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Feb 1 at 22:00 UTC
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