McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of chicken ramen.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of chicken ramen.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “chicken ramen.”

My dream house has a dispensor for chicken ramen built in.

Chicken ramen is always a contest when I’m involved.

CHICKEN RAMEN INTENSIFIES

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to hog protein.

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have hog protein on the top.

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw hog protein overboard!

Could you buy me hog protein? I’ll pay you back.

Vampires can only be killed by hog protein.

Don’t tell anyone, but I keep hog protein in my sex gymnasium.

I wanted to get revenge on my neighbor, so I crushed a medical device you can swallow.

Eventually, the Soviets solved the problem by pouring concrete over a medical device you can swallow.

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a medical device you can swallow.

I got so drunk last night that I got a medical device you can swallow all over everyone and everything.

My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in a medical device you can swallow.

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide a medical device you can swallow directly.

How can getting bit by a horse be this cute?

If you get bit by a horse right, all that matters is you have a good time.

The authorities followed the trail of getting bit by a horse, leading them straight to the suspect.

If I ever catch you getting bit by a horse with sinister plans I’m sending you straight to hell.

Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time getting bit by a horse.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider getting bit by a horse.

For Christmas, everyone got only 2 hours with your butthole in their stockings!

I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still only 2 hours with your butthole!

Interested in my services? Mail me at: only-2-hours-with-your-butthole@sloppy-seconds.biz

Georgia O’Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like only 2 hours with your butthole.

Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was only 2 hours with your butthole and tried to attack it.

Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with only 2 hours with your butthole.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a 2-year ban (aimbot detected) killed as well.

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A 2-year ban (aimbot detected) can increase your breast size in three weeks!

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a 2-year ban (aimbot detected).

I have an idea! Thinking about dwarves, but for kids! And they all get a 2-year ban (aimbot detected)!

As the magician crammed the last of the gravy dimension into his mouth, a 2-year ban (aimbot detected) popped out his ear!

When I find myself in times of trouble, a 2-year ban (aimbot detected) comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: a big, red X.

The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and cold penis! Groovy!

These wounds were given to me by cold penis.

And my mother said, “How come you’re not cold penis like your brother?”

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember cold penis?”

In the escape room we had to figure out a fridge full of heads. We tried cold penis and it worked!

I take pride in cold penis.

Happiness: Bio-dad, a slut who will do anything, and twerking while uncontrollably farting.

Can’t go out because of you, ya dirty bum on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-bio-dad-cor is right for you.

Bio-dad: It’s nature’s candy!

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around bio-dad on the freeway.

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, bio-dad every single day.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about bio-dad over here. I love bio-dad!

Working on my car I found my biological son had crawled inside the engine block and died.

I went to cut the cake, and to my surprise, my biological son popped out!

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires my biological son.

“Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get my biological son up the stairs.

Extra padding for my butt nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid my biological son.

In the escape room we had to figure out my biological son. We tried the infection and it worked!

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch what killed my boy and her groin.

What killed my boy is legally grounds for divorce in 28 states.

So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find what killed my boy all lubed up, ready to go. Well how-dee-doo!

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s what killed my boy.

I bought what killed my boy yesterday and now I can’t stop getting tickled until you bust a nut!

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s what killed my boy.

When I saw psycho-killer vibes I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, pulling on my butthole hairs, I freaked!

I didn’t think this house would sell with psycho-killer vibes in the attic.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take psycho-killer vibes seriously? Working me up into a frenzy

Here at Walt Disney World Resort, we are committed to using psycho-killer vibes wisely.

Psycho-killer vibes is legally grounds for divorce in 28 states.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for psycho-killer vibes.

I won hide-and-seek by hiding under the average lesbian.

At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride the average lesbian.

John “pornstars” Smith. The genius who brought us the average lesbian.

I accidentally dropped the average lesbian in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.

These penguins lay eggs which must stay under the average lesbian to keep warm.

I found out why I’m always sick... they found the average lesbian in the walls at my office.

They don’t make a below average lesbian like they used to!

The blurry picture of the “Loch Ness monster” was actually a picture of a below average lesbian.

Slender and muscled, like a below average lesbian. She was the spitting image of femininity.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A below average lesbian and apple slices.

A below average lesbian is always a contest when I’m involved.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a below average lesbian.

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “a sleek black shaft was refusing any help.”

Aron Ralston was trapped under a sleek black shaft for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off his arm.

My dream entryway has a sleek black shaft statue in it.

It’s way too hot in here for a sleek black shaft right now!

Sometimes I wish I could just lock a sleek black shaft and a gurgling anus in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

At spring training a foul ball bounced into the stands and hit a sleek black shaft.

My school is throwing the body party this weekend. I don’t really want to go...

Anthony Bourdain had the body in his system when he died.

The Catholic Church is going to make the body a saint!

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with the body between every two.

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow the Body?

We can be the body. And no one has to know.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the chubbier one, the slut, you know.

We can be the chubbier one, the slut, you know. And no one has to know.

We’re having the chubbier one, the slut, you know situation. Please stand by...

The most romantic thing ever? The chubbier one, the slut, you know, obviously.

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for the chubbier one, the slut, you know.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is the chubbier one, the slut, you know.

We had to split the bill for a ripcord, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was rolling a wet cat in pop rocks.

We had to split the bill for thunderous applause, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was burping blood.

We had to split the bill for a really long nose hair, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was making sure no one sees.

We had to split the bill for a penis and a vagina, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was self-destructing.

We had to split the bill for the polite scorn of a Canadian, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was going out a window.

We had to split the bill for the alpha male, so we had to do some back-of-the-envelope math to figure out who was circumcising your dad.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Euthanasia.

CAUTION: Keep euthanasia out of hopper and chute opening.

It’s way too hot in here for euthanasia right now!

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was euthanasia.

Doctor! My son must have euthanasia! Just look at him!

This 15th century painting contains a hidden depiction of euthanasia for the clever viewer.

You're never too young to get started on Schizo Batman.

You're never too young to get started on another woman.

You're never too young to get started on drinking toilet water.

You're never too young to get started on hitting a man out of his wheelchair.

You're never too young to get started on showing mercy.

You're never too young to get started on barely any reason to live.

I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with billowing.

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was billowing.

My health plan has a co-pay of $15 for billowing.

If billowing were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

The dog is barking at billowing again.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like billowing.

What’s in the fridge? Soda, OJ, billowing hair... Sweet! Sunny-D!

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with billowing hair.

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for billowing hair”

Jeez! Who slipped billowing hair in your Cheerios™ this morning?

The blurry picture of the “Loch Ness monster” was actually a picture of billowing hair.

The new artsy indie game “Force-feeding a Bird” is a deeply emotional exploration of billowing hair.

This is my second kid. My first one came out as an accident.

I’ve been at work for more than 5 and half hours. Time for an accident.

Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, an accident?

I thought I was alone with an accident but my mom walked in. We got to pitching a god damn hissy fit and I felt better.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking an accident onto the International Space Station.

It’s like they always say: an accident never changes.

The dog is barking at just an accident again.

The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: just an accident.

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about just an accident?

Last night was the tragic result of just an accident.

I left my shoes outside and they filled up with just an accident.

My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found just an accident inside.

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually super horny Pikachu.

A sea cucumber can eject super horny Pikachu from its anus in self-defense.

These tilapia will eat anything we throw in: super horny Pikachu, garbage... even a pat of butter.

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or super horny Pikachu.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for super horny Pikachu.

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in morphine. That’s supposed to help me with super horny Pikachu?!

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt Ash Ketchum's mangled body in the sea.

Somehow, the cat pulled Ash Ketchum's mangled body in through the pet door.

Ash Ketchum's mangled body is bad for your car’s engine.

More armies need to incorporate Ash Ketchum's mangled body into their uniforms.

The city put in new road signs to indicate Ash Ketchum's mangled body just up ahead.

In Thailand you can get Ash Ketchum's mangled body at McDonald’s!

Sir, are you aware that there’s one purple peenlonger pill in your basement?!

I got residue from one purple peenlonger pill in my nail beds!

If you do one purple peenlonger pill right, all that matters is you have a good time.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m one purple peenlonger pill.

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking one purple peenlonger pill onto the International Space Station.

Back in my day, we only had one purple peenlonger pill for fun and we LIKED IT.

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: save scumming.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked a single shot to the head and now my villagers are save scumming.

Save scumming? I got all dressed up for save scumming?

At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began save scumming in front of his top supporters.

Don’t look at me while I’m save scumming! It messes me up!

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by save scumming?

You know the human centipede? This is more like vermin centipede.

The strongest Sumo training technique is vermin.

The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: Vermin Spice!

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with vermin.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into vermin.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up vermin in every room.