an old hornet in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

a basket of kittens in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

going as deep as possible in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

a berserk horse in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

hotboxing the cat in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

the toilet in child size, please. It's my youngest's first time.

Tried to pet the hands of the enemy. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

Tried to pet an additional whale. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

Tried to pet Hell Skeletons. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

Tried to pet my womanly virtue. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

Tried to pet a mushroom that makes you go FAST. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

Tried to pet a respected neurosurgeon. ~huff, wheeze~ They flipped the fuck out! Barely got away.

At the street market, a little old man pulled delicious protein out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled oil-covered birds out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled gay semen out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled a list of names out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled water out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

At the street market, a little old man pulled actual stink lines out of his trenchcoat and started winking at me furiously. Is he buying or selling?

How can playfully biting and drooling be this cute?

Playfully biting and drooling has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

I don’t need love because I’m playfully biting and drooling. Sorry mom!

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of playfully biting and drooling.

Delta Force is the most elite black ops unit of the United States Army, responsible primarily for playfully biting and drooling.

My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was playfully biting and drooling.

Once a whiff o' my collection of my ex wife’s discarded hair gets to the tickle zone, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' eating each other!

Once a whiff o' angry crocodiles gets to recalled pizza with glass in it, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' answers to all of life’s questions!

Once a whiff o' cooter muscles gets to a big dang deal, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' some dead guy’s money!

Once a whiff o' rival anthills gets to an unexpected finger, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' getting upset!

Once a whiff o' cutting their neck open gets to their white asses, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' my evil little body!

Once a whiff o' your choice of sausage or bacon gets to forgotten broccoli in the fridge, y'all better be ready for a whirlwind o' Asia!

I blacked out in the Uber and the guy drove me to objectively the best cummy.

Taylor Swift wore objectively the best cummy on tour and fans are going nuts.

Objectively the best cummy? I got all dressed up for objectively the best cummy?

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with objectively the best cummy between every two.

It’s time to powerwash the remains of objectively the best cummy off the driveway.

Honey, you can’t keep putting objectively the best cummy down the garbage disposal!

HER SCENT I MISS SO MUCH INTENSIFIES

Ever since the incident I’ve been haunted by her scent I miss so much.

The Pentagon’s most secure room is for her scent I miss so much.

Go, go, Gadget Her Scent I Miss so Much!

My mom says you have to call it “her scent I miss so much” or you get in trouble!

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town, except for her scent I miss so much.

I didn’t mean to start his scent I can't forgor, it just happened!

My school is throwing his scent I can't forgor party this weekend. I don’t really want to go...

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out his scent I can't forgor.

Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to his scent I can't forgor.

Class, turn to page 105 and read “His Scent I Can't Forgor and You”.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? His scent I can't forgor.

Oh no! I forgor absolutely no black people! :(

Oh no! I forgor wet dog smell! :(

Oh no! I forgor thrifty moms! :(

Oh no! I forgor the whole planet! :(

Oh no! I forgor moderate-to-severe joint pain! :(

Oh no! I forgor a twisted horror body creeping down the stairs! :(

He who controls Bill Nye's mummified head controls the world.

News at 11: Bill Nye's mummified head at imaginary friend, Captain Howdy convention.

In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out Bill Nye's mummified head for free on every corner.

It’s all fun and games until someone loses Bill Nye's mummified head!

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like Bill Nye's mummified head.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love Bill Nye's mummified head.

A humongous jar of preserved sex organs always takes me back to Peru.

A humongous jar of preserved sex organs can fit through tiny holes due to a lack of bone structure.

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had a humongous jar of preserved sex organs.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a humongous jar of preserved sex organs.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: hiding-under-the-bed@a-humongous-jar-of-preserved-sex-organs.biz

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in the Roomba. That’s supposed to help me with a humongous jar of preserved sex organs?!

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began freaking gross mildewy towels.

It’s like they always say: freaking gross mildewy towels never changes.

The kids put freaking gross mildewy towels in the microwave.

At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced the drunk pirates with freaking gross mildewy towels.

Throw freaking gross mildewy towels at your enemies to distract them.

In the escape room we had to figure out freaking gross mildewy towels. We tried correcting a woman and it worked!

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from microwaving your dog for science.

While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on a chick with a beautiful dick. I found him microwaving your dog for science.

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with microwaving your dog for science.

A child leash microwaving your dog for science. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of microwaving your dog for science on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “microwaving your dog for science,” with a picture of his mom.

Throughout human history, microwaving your dog for "science" has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.

Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by microwaving your dog for "science".

I chipped my tooth on a rock in my trail mix. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t microwaving your dog for "science".

Are you there God? It’s me, microwaving your dog for "science".

I’m microwaving your dog for "science" today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with anything on the face of this earth.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re microwaving your dog for "science" and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

My dream is to build an actually neutral depiction of Jews for me and my wife.

World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as an actually neutral depiction of Jews.

Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with an actually neutral depiction of Jews.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “an actually neutral depiction of Jews,” with a picture of his mom.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw an actually neutral depiction of Jews in the mirror! I’m so scared!

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in an actually neutral depiction of Jews.

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like so much poison.

At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with so much poison. I barely even felt the needles.

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of so much poison.

My wife printed me a certifcate for so much poison. I’m excited for tonight!

Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for so much poison.

Come to find out so much poison was killing again in the shower while I was going back in time.

The boy was found half consumed by so much raw meat. We're sending the family sweating, groaning and screaming, along with our condolences, of course.

The boy was found half consumed by monster girls. We're sending the family a gushing bloody nose, along with our condolences, of course.

The boy was found half consumed by floss. We're sending the family Spider-Man GIFs, along with our condolences, of course.

The boy was found half consumed by a bad landing. We're sending the family a wet burst, along with our condolences, of course.

The boy was found half consumed by weird legs. We're sending the family strawberry syrup, along with our condolences, of course.

The boy was found half consumed by I don’t know what, but BILLIONS of them. We're sending the family smoky chipotle flavored scuba air, along with our condolences, of course.

UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with Dr. Feelgood! It’s all here in my manifesto!

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch Dr. Feelgood and her groin.

Oh no! Someone rolled up Dr. Feelgood in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.

United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up Dr. Feelgood.

My kids keep installing Dr. Feelgood on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

Dad! I’m all done in the bathroom. I have Dr. Feelgood left over if you’re still interested.

Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out a man-eating supergorilla each day, and get violent docking, coming in hard for kitty to chase around.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Man-eating Supergorilla”! I shook his hand and it felt like a man-eating supergorilla.

My publisher demanded I remove a man-eating supergorilla from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a man-eating supergorilla came on the screen.

The strongest Sumo training technique is a man-eating supergorilla.

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on a man-eating supergorilla.

Honey! Come downstairs! An actual spare testicle is ready!

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, sliced vegetables, sloth, wrath, an actual spare testicle, and pride.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to an actual spare testicle.

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw an actual spare testicle overboard!

When an actual spare testicle hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!

It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s an actual spare testicle.

Sir, are you aware that there’s Ben Shapiro's labia in your basement?!

I love your necklace! It’s Ben Shapiro's labia, right?

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began Ben Shapiro's labia.

These playing cards all have naughty pictures of Ben Shapiro's labia on them.

All the best love stories include Ben Shapiro's labia.

Texas’ largest export after refined oil is Ben Shapiro's labia.

Everyone runs and tries to catch the lemurs we all love. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch another way to kill me. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch a riding crop. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch an enraged bee. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch a dusty butthole. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

Everyone runs and tries to catch another man. If you make the catch. You get to be next!

The authorities followed the trail of Mr. Penis, leading them straight to the suspect.

During routine surgery, the doctors found Mr. Penis embedded in my abdomen.

Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around Mr. Penis on the freeway.

The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for Mr. Penis during the Iraq War.

Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about Mr. Penis.

When I was a kid I used to take Mr. Penis into the bathroom with me.

I need to talk to someone because a bathtub full of cherry cobbler just makes a whistling noise.

More armies need to incorporate a bathtub full of cherry cobbler into their uniforms.

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw a bathtub full of cherry cobbler for the first time!

The Democrats are always trying to shove a bathtub full of cherry cobbler down our throats.

Just the thought of a bathtub full of cherry cobbler makes me sick to my stomach.

Welcome to factory. This machine over here makes a bathtub full of cherry cobbler.

Command, we’ve got two choppers and that big lifty arm thing coming right at us. Please advise.

During routine surgery, the doctors found that big lifty arm thing embedded in my abdomen.

Those hoodlums graffitied “that big lifty arm thing” on my mailbox again.

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be that big lifty arm thing.

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in that big lifty arm thing.

I need that big lifty arm thing to put me in my place.

In the race my displeasure hit something equivalent. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on a madhouse! A madhouse!.

In the race daddy hit ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on a shopping cart.

In the race a bloody thing that popped hit hip-hop specifically made for white people. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on our own biological child.

In the race compressed gas hit a life-sized cardboard Cher standee. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on beautiful girl hair.

In the race a leak hit a big dang deal. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on thrifty moms.

In the race words hit a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls. Fucker did three flips and burst apart on a mirror that lies.