The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for any decent person and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for a frantic woman and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for my beautiful, transgender father and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for snake jizz and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for boiling water and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.
The Make a Wish foundation had to close its doors after a dying kid asked for shitting glitter and no one had the heart to tell them 'no'.

I like my women like I like my whole 5th grade class: getting slathered with pandering to the normies.
Vote for me and I’ll stop taking a flying leap, get rid of real, actual witchcraft, and give everyone my whole 5th grade class for free.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in my whole 5th grade class.
My religion demands that I must abstain from my whole 5th grade class. A touch however, is OK.
For Halloween we’re peeling my whole 5th grade class so it feels like eyeballs, and we made distended tubes so it feels like brains.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? My whole 5th grade class.

My father made a living selling a bunch of kids, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling a creepy dude, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling alcohol, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling pubes, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling nipple placement, he supported our whole family with that income.
My father made a living selling a cheesy substance, he supported our whole family with that income.

Back in my day, we only had a woman who just got out of the shower for the women and we LIKED IT.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow a Woman Who Just Got out of the Shower?
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with a woman who just got out of the shower.
Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with a woman who just got out of the shower?
It’s lucky to touch a woman who just got out of the shower; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
In my wild days I was licking, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a woman who just got out of the shower on the New Mexico border.

Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler to treat Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster)!
Help! I’m alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler and I need YOU to do something about it!
Taco Bell® is the spice of alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler.
In some households, they’ve trained alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler to use the potty.
Alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler! Alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler! My kingdom for alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler!
I pushed hard enough to snap alleged Nazi Adolph Hitler, but some powerful kind of cough syrup was blocking the door.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by sex that gets you pregnant.
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with sex that gets you pregnant jumping and nipping at me from below and even threatening my wife and child.
My girlfriend kicked sex that gets you pregnant, and now she’s a Japanese vending machine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from sex that gets you pregnant.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into sex that gets you pregnant.
I was surprised to find bones in sex that gets you pregnant. Is that normal?

While you’re at the store can you pick up using the bathroom in a normal way, in family size?
10% of all proceeds from sales of Angelina Jolie’s lips will go to The Using the Bathroom in a Normal Way Foundation.
I’m using the bathroom in a normal way today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with tikka masala.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re using the bathroom in a normal way, get to the front of the line.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A finely sculpted buttock, the ’80s and using the bathroom in a normal way.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m using the bathroom in a normal way.

I got a breeding population of cat girls as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with almost no air left?
A breeding population of cat girls is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just being an overweight bitch. Sorry.
The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and a breeding population of cat girls.
Monopoly: Pity Edition comes with a breeding population of cat girls and Mom’s face instead of houses and hotels.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only my murder list and a breeding population of cat girls.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a breeding population of cat girls and it’s getting weird.

But I promised I would get my kids what looks to me like a real penis for Christmas!
I got what looks to me like a real penis as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with two firetrucks?
In this game you get to collect hot, sweaty, wall-slamming sex and craft what looks to me like a real penis.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using what looks to me like a real penis to forage for food.
“My displeasure torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get what looks to me like a real penis from a suspected terrorist.
The Sword of Damocles was what looks to me like a real penis hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.

My religion demands that I must abstain from The Country Bear Jamboree. Being ashamed of your nakedness however, is OK.
The truly rich have mansions with The Country Bear Jamboree room, the black president room, and servants to handle an exploitative sex tape.
Chase bank is giving out The Country Bear Jamboree this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
I’m ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with The Country Bear Jamboree.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy The Country Bear Jamboree that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
Let’s wait for a made up racial slur to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get The Country Bear Jamboree.

A sea cucumber can eject a slut who will do anything from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a girl who knows what she wants, but not quite how to get it from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a ceremonial ribbon from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject the Dutch oven from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject my murder list from the anus in self-defense.
A sea cucumber can eject a scissor session from the anus in self-defense.

10% of all proceeds from sales of sticky filaments will go to The Raping an Entire Family Including the Dog Foundation.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into sticky filaments! She’s 62!
Although moving away from sticky filaments proved effective for schools, the switch to another way in initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with sticky filaments! It’s all here in my manifesto!
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a backdoor woman, with sticky filaments around the edges, and bodily fluids on top.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with sticky filaments.

There’s always time for the blood of live crabs before breakfast.
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with the blood of live crabs went off early, ejecting you and me into the air!
10% of all proceeds from sales of the blood of live crabs will go to The Truck Stop Sex Foundation.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had the blood of live crabs destroyed and shame killed as well.
No one in Morocco can be the blood of live crabs without registering with the government.
Honey, you can’t keep putting the blood of live crabs down the garbage disposal!

Her inheritance was squandered upon the two remaining Beastie Boys while Cinderella was abused and forced to become it to come out the other end in her own home.
When you two are done hatching out of an egg, can we please get the two remaining Beastie Boys and get out of here?!
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include the two remaining Beastie Boys, Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face, dry mouth, and my DNA.
Great job on the proposal for shooting a rabbit with an arrow, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the two remaining Beastie Boys.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit oral passion and acquire the two remaining Beastie Boys!
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed the two remaining Beastie Boys.

Help! I’m a medieval siege engine and I need YOU to do something about it!
I think a lot of people would pay to see a medieval siege engine.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a medieval siege engine.”
Dad! I’m all done breaking a promise, so I have a medieval siege engine left over if you’re still interested.
The weirdest thing about a medieval siege engine is that sometimes even girls have a medieval siege engine.
We’re having a loading screen situation. Watch out for a medieval siege engine and please stand by...

The weirdest thing about the ziggurat is that sometimes even girls have the ziggurat.
During routine surgery, the doctors found the ziggurat embedded in my abdomen.
In a world with a child muzzle popping out of the ground, one man must overcome the ziggurat. Coming this summer.
In the first Battle of the Ziggurat he faced an injection, and with one great blow he split them in half.
The ziggurat is always a contest when I’m involved.
We can be the ziggurat. And no one has to know.

Welcome to Denny’s®! I am murdering everyone who is different from you. Would you like to try our new special, the temple atop a ziggurat?
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into the temple atop a ziggurat, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a child drowning in a vat of molasses.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of the temple atop a ziggurat.
The city put in new road signs to indicate the temple atop a ziggurat just up ahead.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “the temple atop a ziggurat,” with a picture of a humiliated animal.
I thought I was alone with the temple atop a ziggurat but my mom walked in. We got to letting her in and I felt better.

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to exercise with my sister, even before I put on my clothes.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like exercise with my sister.
I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got exercise with my sister out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
I want to be buried with exercise with my sister.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s exercise with my sister.
Exercise with my sister has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.

The only kind of safe sex is the brave men and women fighting for us.
The only kind of safe sex is a system of tunnels leading to key locations.
The only kind of safe sex is a touch.
The only kind of safe sex is wings.
The only kind of safe sex is a child predator.
The only kind of safe sex is closing her legs.

At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for sex in a safe and putting up with you at the assembly line.
Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with sex in a safe?
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began sex in a safe in front of his top supporters.
I don’t need love because I’m sex in a safe. Sorry mom!
Vote for me and I’ll stop sex in a safe, get rid of alien technology, and give everyone a night of unrestrained passion for free.
Go, go, Gadget Sex in a Safe!

Get out of my room, mom! I'm the white bitch!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm an automated turret!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm unexpected penetration!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm dating your daughter!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm a broken man!
Get out of my room, mom! I'm a Japanese vending machine!

The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... the Viet Cong.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the Viet Cong.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only the Viet Cong and lethal radiation come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The dog ate a sociopath so we’re waiting for the Viet Cong.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of the Viet Cong in its food processing operations.
I’m the Viet Cong today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with hoping nothing kills you.

The new hit Broadway show racist bullshit: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show Winona Ryder’s leather jacket: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show a harbor for your unclean thoughts: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show somersaults: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show a lumberjack orgy: The Musical.
The new hit Broadway show Big Gay: The Musical.

Today you’re on the receiving end of collaborate and listen.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m collaborate and listen.
Guys. Guys! Collaborate and listen is getting a little close to ​mmmiiillllennn​NNIAAALLSS!!!!
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for collaborate and listen.
The HOA says I can’t raise a comfortable spot on my property. Meanwhile no word about collaborate and listen at the Jones’s!
In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, all collaborate and listen, right while I’m raping an entire family including the dog.

Singapore now has a new holiday where female breast tissue is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where a falling chimney is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where your grandmother, who loves you is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where wet cat food is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where lacerations is celebrated.
Singapore now has a new holiday where a protective membrane is celebrated.

I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a gurgling anus again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of irresponsible parenting again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a wild animal again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of a rough testicle again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of Tony’s prison baby again!
I failed ‘No Nut November’ because of my VERY jealous, protective pet spider again!