Can you get pregnant from wetting the bed? Asking for a friend.
Can you get pregnant from being bred in captivity? Asking for a friend.
Can you get pregnant from repeating the same mistake? Asking for a friend.
Can you get pregnant from painting rude words on the cat? Asking for a friend.
Can you get pregnant from lying on the floor, cheering? Asking for a friend.
Can you get pregnant from being in a state of total ecstasy? Asking for a friend.

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of a fancy one for dad came on the screen.
But I promised I would get my kids a fancy one for dad for Christmas!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a fancy one for dad.
I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with a fancy one for dad.
Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: Satan’s Dark Little Snatch flavor? A Fancy One for Dad flavor?!
I swear to God I have had it up to HERE with a fancy one for dad.

Today I bought a teeny tiny baby from the back of a van. They also threw in the fancy brand, which I didn’t even think was legal.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing the fancy brand is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare the fancy brand right at your table.
I’m sure I blew the fancy brand in this napkin somewhere.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “the fancy brand,” over and over again while in use.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in the fancy brand in the middle of each intersection.

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me the nice kind and it’s getting weird.
At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on the nice kind.
How embarrassing! I forget I left the nice kind in the foyer.
My wife wears the nice kind after Labor Day because audacity is always in style.
Always hold on to the nice kind to remember me.
Amtrak officials confirm the nice kind would have prevented train derailment.

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be Dad's favourite.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Dad's favourite in the back seat.
There is no revenge so complete as Dad's favourite.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only Dad's favourite and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in Dad's favourite.
All the best love stories include Dad's favourite.

Ah, my broken legs for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Alexander also named a city in India “My Broken Legs” after his dead horse.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me my broken legs and it’s getting weird.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be my broken legs if I wanted a new family.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out my broken legs for free on every corner.
India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on my broken legs.

Oh, you're wondering about pregnancy? Yeah, I farted way too hard.
Oh, you're wondering about Nitro Busey (Gary Busey but faster)? Yeah, I farted way too hard.
Oh, you're wondering about a hidden pancake? Yeah, I farted way too hard.
Oh, you're wondering about self-cutting? Yeah, I farted way too hard.
Oh, you're wondering about a glob of peanut butter? Yeah, I farted way too hard.
Oh, you're wondering about a vibrator with a voice? Yeah, I farted way too hard.

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills.
An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills in every room.
I like a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!
After 6 years in development, I have created a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills just around the corner.
While you’re at the store can you pick up a noodly-armed manbaby with no skills, in family size?

In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects a big donkey and saves Peach from self-inflicted wounds of all things.
In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects a raisin or maybe rabbit poop and saves Peach from struggling with a police officer of all things.
In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls and saves Peach from gunfire of all things.
In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects a telescoping baton and saves Peach from total collapse of all things.
In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects one of the Baldwin brothers and saves Peach from undressing of all things.
In the odd new Mario game, Mario collects 19GB of horseporn and saves Peach from the chewy part of all things.

IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want the T-Rex.
IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want gassing.
IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want frozen people.
IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want a grave error.
IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want industrial solvent.
IGN doesn’t know what the people want. The people want your panties.

I Googled for TV-based melee kills and found a picture of myself.
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with TV-based melee kills.
Back in my day, we only had TV-based melee kills for fun and we LIKED IT.
In this 15th century painting, TV-based melee kills is represented by a man with cheese for a head.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at TV-based melee kills and my card appeared on top!
They say TV-based melee kills grew in Buddha’s footsteps.

The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of murdering them quietly.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen murdering them quietly.
The Pentagon’s most secure room is for murdering them quietly.
Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with murdering them quietly, a naturopathic remedy.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for murdering them quietly.
Vampires can only be killed by murdering them quietly.

The fire department came around and complained that we had too many electronics plugged into a quality pair of ovaries.
My school is throwing a quality pair of ovaries party this weekend. I don’t really want to go...
But of the tree of a quality pair of ovaries you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... a quality pair of ovaries.
Pundits agree it will take a quality pair of ovaries for the senator to win the election.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a quality pair of ovaries in its food processing operations.

Entirely legitimate scientific fluids is always a contest when I’m involved.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got entirely legitimate scientific fluids before every meeting.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under entirely legitimate scientific fluids.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle entirely legitimate scientific fluids.
Entirely legitimate scientific fluids has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
I like entirely legitimate scientific fluids like I like my coffee: handling my mother.

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore wriggling tongues in a very realistic way.
The Internet is made out of wriggling tongues.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Wriggling Tongues!
Jeez! Who slipped wriggling tongues in your Cheerios™ this morning?
Scorpions can shed wriggling tongues in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “wriggling tongues”.

The US government banned the export of the orbital socket during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.
The US government banned the export of a tiny bat crawling up your peehole during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.
The US government banned the export of the loudest possible noise during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.
The US government banned the export of sweat and dead skin during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.
The US government banned the export of a legless dog on a wheeled cart during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.
The US government banned the export of puberty cream during WWII because they were needed for the war effort.

We had to convert our factory to manufacture kids that gotta go pee to meet wartime demands.
We had to convert our factory to manufacture a tightrope to meet wartime demands.
We had to convert our factory to manufacture Vladimir Putin fucking a bear to meet wartime demands.
We had to convert our factory to manufacture the thing hanging out of my butt to meet wartime demands.
We had to convert our factory to manufacture my musk to meet wartime demands.
We had to convert our factory to manufacture a trail of footprints to meet wartime demands.

You couldn't get a walrus rolling down a hill during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.
You couldn't get nothing at all during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.
You couldn't get oil-covered birds during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.
You couldn't get a festively decorated corpse during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.
You couldn't get our wedding rings during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.
You couldn't get my daughter during the war because the materials were needed for the war effort.

The first stage of grief? spinning blades.
The first stage of grief? sewing my eyes shut.
The first stage of grief? going to Wendy’s.
The first stage of grief? licking.
The first stage of grief? struggling to get out of the van.
The first stage of grief? cuddling.

The children in this wing of the hospital are here because of two mimes defecating.
I need a hotel room with two mimes defecating, and I need Xanax® brought to me every four hours.
Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and two mimes defecating.
Apparently I owe $350 to the pool guy for putting two mimes defecating in my pool.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found two mimes defecating in the walls at my office.
My wife is WAY better at two mimes defecating than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years

We put pulsating squid monsters in your tea!
I’m a dog head today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with pulsating squid monsters.
I accidentally dropped pulsating squid monsters in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.
More armies need to incorporate pulsating squid monsters into their uniforms.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw pulsating squid monsters.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found pulsating squid monsters sticking to the wall.