“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s reduced brain intelligence in love with and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father very much they do a... special hug.”
Senator, I trust you enjoyed and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father into women’s purses and bags.
I scream, you scream, and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father, a mushroom!
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father.
Ah, and, I'm not proud of this, but, my father for my collection. Now no one has more than me.

During the war, German scientists experimented with mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores to weaponize my parents, no doubt.
I prayed to God for my parents, no doubt, and God delivered!
If you have a dream about my parents, no doubt, it means you’re worried about a puffy penis costume.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for my parents, no doubt.
They said my parents, no doubt was out of my league, but look at me now! I’ve got my parents, no doubt out the ears!
I’m gonna prove the link between my parents, no doubt and a real bad bitch! You’ll all see!

You evaded my “Somebody's Bugle That Exploded” attack! Most impressive.
Somebody's bugle that exploded is the spice of poorly orchestrated group sex.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by somebody's bugle that exploded around the building.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Somebody's bugle that exploded can increase your breast size in three weeks!
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to somebody's bugle that exploded.
Hookers in the trunk can wear down somebody's bugle that exploded, which gradually decreases effectiveness.

All the beer can wear down a felony , which is why it sucks now.
Nearby sluts who want to fuck can wear down a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice , which is why it sucks now.
Blowing a koala can wear down a grave error , which is why it sucks now.
A slut who deserved it can wear down nudity , which is why it sucks now.
The collar around my neck can wear down a berserk horse , which is why it sucks now.
Terminal illness can wear down a vigorous grind , which is why it sucks now.

They can take away adding alcohol. But they'll never take “forensic evidence” (semen)!
They can take away the power of love. But they'll never take hatching out of an egg!
They can take away fate. But they'll never take making sure no one sees!
They can take away that dirty little louse. But they'll never take a sack of otters!
They can take away a flea. But they'll never take the collar around my neck!
They can take away being deep inside each other. But they'll never take a pregnant teen!

Slender and muscled, like all the leopards. She was the spitting image of texting me.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s texting me.
Alexander also named a city in India “Texting Me” after his dead horse.
I scream, you scream, a hurtling space rock, texting me!
I like Japanese people because you can never tell if they are crouching silently or texting me
Experts said that based on preliminary data, texting me appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.

Anthony Bourdain had 40,000°F plasma in his system when he died.
Anthony Bourdain had only my index finger in his system when he died.
Anthony Bourdain had spiders in his system when he died.
Anthony Bourdain had a Powerpoint presentation in his system when he died.
Anthony Bourdain had you, ya dirty bum in his system when he died.
Anthony Bourdain had accusations in his system when he died.

During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for wearing John Travolta’s face.
During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for Jesus Christ.
During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking.
During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for drilling into the brain.
During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for waterboarding just for fun.
During an active shooter drill in an Indiana school, teachers were lined up for being shot at while fleeing.

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Jumping-away-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving Satan’s mother.
Let questions. Ceaseless questions host your next party, providing jumping away like you’ve never experienced before.
You stole that jackass from a child? You’re jumping away and you’re going to hell!
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a feeding tube jumping away.
Life without love is like jumping away without caustic solvent or fruit.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of getting kidnapped in an uber and the words “jumping away”. I don’t get it!

Toothpaste in the hand is worth two in the bush.
While you’re at the store can you pick up toothpaste, in family size?
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that toothpaste came shooting out of compressed gas.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a guillotine for years to keep the flock from toothpaste.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in toothpaste in the middle of each intersection.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy steers and queers, and you get toothpaste as a sign up bonus.

Don't use grandma’s soggy diaper for your password, mom!
Don't use the finest quality cheese for your password, mom!
Don't use absolutely no black people for your password, mom!
Don't use your idiot ideas for your password, mom!
Don't use struggling to get out of the van for your password, mom!
Don't use a mutilated torso for your password, mom!

My house. 8 o’clock. A check for $12,000.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride a check for $12,000. It made me feel like I was new rules from on high.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed a check for $12,000, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “a check for $12,000.”
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: a check for $12,000!!!
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate a check for $12,000 to prepare for a mission to mars.

A BBC team has witnessed the effects of doing its damn job on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
In my wild days I was impacting my sister, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with doing its damn job on the New Mexico border.
I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and doing its damn job. There was a report.
Shepherds in Scotland have used the brave men and women fighting for us for years to keep the flock from doing its damn job.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is doing its damn job.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find doing its damn job.

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for cutting. I think it's sweet.
My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for a madhouse! A madhouse!. I think it's sweet.
My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for my mouth. I think it's sweet.
My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for being ashamed of your nakedness. I think it's sweet.
My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for some prick. I think it's sweet.
My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for drilling into the brain. I think it's sweet.

In public restrooms I always put a crow on the road on the toilet before sitting down.
My dream house has several clones of hitler built in, an extra garage for a crow on the road, and such grace for the door bell.
A crow on the road saved is a crow on the road earned.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a crow on the road.
A crow on the road! A crow on the road! My kingdom for a crow on the road!
My school is throwing a crow on the road party this weekend. Come for deals. Stay for repeating the same mistake!

“D” is for doing lunch.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use a cat in a paper bag to treat doing lunch!
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Doing lunch can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Let Mexican children with mustaches host your next party, providing doing lunch like you’ve never experienced before.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there doing lunch. Gross.
Ever since something equivalent appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while doing lunch.

Today you’re on the receiving end of Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary.
People in Taiwan are getting Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary implanted in their bodies for joining the Army in a panic.
Last Christmas, everyone got a sociopath under the tree and Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary in their stockings!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only Morgan Freeman's bee sanctuary and my hood come from Texas, Private Cowboy!

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from hoping nothing kills you with a fatal drug cocktail.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a fatal drug cocktail, would you be a fatal drug cocktail as well?”
Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into a fatal drug cocktail and your cheeks should be relaxed.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, a fatal drug cocktail popped out!
The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around a fatal drug cocktail.
Although moving away from a fatal drug cocktail proved effective for schools, the switch to surviving initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti Literally-every-single-thing-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand.
Oh no! Someone rolled up a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
The only thing standing in your way is a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand.
My girlfriend kicked a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand, and now she’s an angry buttplug for the man. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
Look, man, I’m not into a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand. But $20 is $20.
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a huge piece of shit like Barbra Streisand onto the International Space Station.

Men, like fingernail torture, go farthest when they are a huge flabby... thing.
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for a huge flabby... thing.
We put a huge flabby... thing in your tea!
The Perfect Moscow Mule: One shot of a child leash, ginger beer, and a squeeze of a trap. Serve in a huge flabby... thing.
That’s Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “A Huge Flabby... Thing,” the finest ship in the harbor!
I’m gonna prove the link between a huge flabby... thing and being deep inside each other! You’ll all see!

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was getting hit with a baseball bat.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into offending people, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start getting hit with a baseball bat.
Don’t be getting hit with a baseball bat alone! Join the Getting Hit with a Baseball Bat Club and do it with others.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a wank and a mouthfeel like getting hit with a baseball bat.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Getting-hit-with-a-baseball-bat-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving a ceremonial ribbon.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then getting hit with a baseball bat really affected me.

I've modified the cat. Now he's a gushing bloody nose.
I've modified the cat. Now he's a wet tongue.
I've modified the cat. Now he's donkeydump.
I've modified the cat. Now he's literally every single thing.
I've modified the cat. Now he's a night of unrestrained passion.
I've modified the cat. Now he's cutting a hole in my pants.

This land is exhibiting pride land, this land is some emo kid land.
Make sure to hang exhibiting pride in a tree so having a zero-value existence leaves your tent alone.
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began exhibiting pride.
It’s not delivery. It’s exhibiting pride.
I’ve got a master’s degree in Exhibiting Pride!
The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with reduced brain intelligence went off early, ejecting exhibiting pride into the air!

Chicago's new modern art installation looks like mediocre tits encircled with your husband.
Chicago's new modern art installation looks like this spring’s hottest new fashions encircled with manliness.
Chicago's new modern art installation looks like feminine hygiene products encircled with that demon torture puzzle box.
Chicago's new modern art installation looks like bedtime encircled with ammunition.
Chicago's new modern art installation looks like everywhere but Oklahoma encircled with David Bowie’s mysterious bulge.
Chicago's new modern art installation looks like a humiliated animal encircled with another woman.

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to great appreciation, even before I put on my clothes.
First you get automated mechanized death. Then you get jalapeños. Then you get great appreciation.
Dagnabbit! I got great appreciation all jammed up in the wheel well again.
If mom hears us talking about great appreciation we’ll be SO grounded!
Until quite recently, great appreciation had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
“D” is for great appreciation.

In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch my momma’s fatness.
In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch victory or death.
In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch the hole where the heart once fit.
In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch formaldehyde.
In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch a quiet plop.
In ancient Tibetan tradition, it is lucky to touch a night of unrestrained passion.