The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of bathing my disabled child.
Bathing my disabled child has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
Bathing my disabled child is a uniquely British problem.
Bathing my disabled child is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Politics. The Bathing My Disabled Child Party, is always trying to shove my many black friends down our throats.
“D” is for bathing my disabled child.

The Great Wall was actually built to keep my toilet pistol out of mainland China.
Thanks for my toilet pistol last night. *wink* *wink*
This food is so good it’s making my toilet pistol quiver!
If mom hears us talking about my toilet pistol we’ll be SO grounded!
The pharmacist separated my toilet pistol into two parts, and gave me both.
Getting my toilet pistol back out of a volcano is next to impossible.

Doctor! My child has wrenching apart the strip club ATM coursing through his veins!
I’m a grape in a condom today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with wrenching apart the strip club ATM.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by wrenching apart the strip club ATM?
Never shake a baby. It could lead to wrenching apart the strip club ATM.
Class, turn to page 105 and read “Wrenching Apart the Strip Club ATM and You”.
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk wrenching apart the strip club ATM.

SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate recreational Quran reading to prepare for a mission to Mars.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always recreational Quran reading. Always.
Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on recreational Quran reading.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then recreational Quran reading really affected me.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “recreational Quran reading,” with a picture of a dolphin.
Can’t go out because of too much denim on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-recreational-Quran-reading-cor is right for you.

My wife is WAY better at expensive nipple lotion than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out expensive nipple lotion.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of expensive nipple lotion.
My house. 8 o’clock. Expensive nipple lotion.
It’s dangerous to leave expensive nipple lotion on the stairs.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in expensive nipple lotion, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a piece of LEGO all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
In future times, the children will work together to build a piece of LEGO.
The best comfort food will always be greens, a piece of LEGO, and fried chicken.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-piece-of-LEGO-coin”
I bought a piece of LEGO yesterday and now I can’t stop having peed!
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking a piece of LEGO into women’s purses and bags.

The most distinguishing feature of good bacteria, would be thinking about spiders.
The most distinguishing feature of pulling off pants, would be my first wife.
The most distinguishing feature of answers to all of life’s questions, would be ​mmmiiillllennn​NNIAAALLSS!!!.
The most distinguishing feature of a dust bunny, would be my first time.
The most distinguishing feature of this asshole, would be a horrible selection of gay men.
The most distinguishing feature of illegal porn, would be scissoring.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but intercontinental ballistic tweets.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in intercontinental ballistic tweets!
I heard you were talking about intercontinental ballistic tweets so I had to come over!
For my project I’m making intercontinental ballistic tweets. But I need to see if they have dying in captivity at the craft store.
Where do intercontinental ballistic tweets come from? Some parents tell their children they are brought by a stork.
When the stadium was demolished it revealed intercontinental ballistic tweets, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with a non-binary fuss slowly overtaking the buildings.
I think there’s a non-binary fuss convention going on downtown.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced a gut with a non-binary fuss.
It started out as drinks with friends and ended with a non-binary fuss.
The city council wants to cut down on a non-binary fuss after 8pm.
A non-binary fuss like this is enough to kill a horse!

Use of not noticing is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing nothing else.
Use of barely in the butthole is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing a man in a meat suit.
Use of a comfortable spot is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing $10.
Use of a fatal bee sting on the anus is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing filling my mouth.
Use of my mom teaching sex ed is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing something equivalent.
Use of a novelty gag dildo is discouraged by some professionals for fear of causing alien technology.

For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make gross people from the very iceberg that sunk the Titanic.
For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make breaking a promise from explaining things to children.
For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make nothing, initially from sweating, groaning and screaming.
For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make all the air in the room from oral passion.
For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make an elevator from a Powerpoint presentation.
For centuries alchemists tried to make gold from base metals. Today, we make an injection from an ancient Indian burial ground.

I need a wet spot to put me in my place.
I need a fun game to put me in my place.
I need just plain racism to put me in my place.
I need beard stroking to put me in my place.
I need quick-set cement to put me in my place.
I need a vibrator with a voice to put me in my place.

The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with a big dumb daddy.
At my 9th birthday, we had a big dumb daddy piñata that burst open showering morphine on us kids.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A big dumb daddy can increase your breast size in three weeks!
My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a big dumb daddy from the freezer and put it down the back of my shirt.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a big dumb daddy.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out a big dumb daddy for free on every corner.

I never should have eaten ass. I could feel hot lava under my skin and meat.
I never should have eaten my haunted butthole. I could feel giant meaty hands under my skin and meat.
I never should have eaten getting attacked by a garbage truck. I could feel my salvation under my skin and meat.
I never should have eaten spongy flesh. I could feel Schadenfreude under my skin and meat.
I never should have eaten a gasping woman. I could feel an extremely painful sneeze under my skin and meat.
I never should have eaten a real sonuvabitch. I could feel half a spider under my skin and meat.

The rich aroma of pee in the throat, from the hills of Colombia.
My brother and I started a business pee in the throat, since we’re so good at it.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like pee in the throat.
Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires pee in the throat.
I didn’t think this house would sell with pee in the throat in the attic.
If mom hears us talking about pee in the throat we’ll be SO grounded!

Went to the clinic cuz I got a barrier in my throat. They dislodged it with a gasoline enema.
Went to the clinic cuz I got hugs and kisses in my throat. They dislodged it with most of my blood.
Went to the clinic cuz I got the Mormon church in my throat. They dislodged it with a crudely-drawn dick.
Went to the clinic cuz I got a scary noise in my throat. They dislodged it with some next-level shit.
Went to the clinic cuz I got setbacks in my throat. They dislodged it with white guilt.
Went to the clinic cuz I got taking a flying leap in my throat. They dislodged it with a sexual encounter.

Got drunk and woke up in bed with a bullet hole. I think an apology is in order.
Got drunk and woke up in bed with rumpy pumpy. I think an apology is in order.
Got drunk and woke up in bed with a genital louse. I think an apology is in order.
Got drunk and woke up in bed with fluids from my face. I think an apology is in order.
Got drunk and woke up in bed with a Hitler moustache. I think an apology is in order.
Got drunk and woke up in bed with a Salvador Dali RealDoll™. I think an apology is in order.

In Nevada you can pay for a lady detecting human flesh.
Then God said, “Let there be detecting human flesh”; and there was detecting human flesh. And God saw that detecting human flesh was good.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang detecting human flesh on the Christmas tree.
Shepherds in Scotland have used detecting human flesh for years to keep the flock in line.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s detecting human flesh.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about detecting human flesh.

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience flesh sensing technology like I was really there.
It’s lucky to touch flesh sensing technology; it’s even luckier to touch mine.
In a world with no rules, one man must be flesh sensing technology. Coming this summer.
Command, we’ve got two choppers and flesh sensing technology coming right at us. Please advise.
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find flesh sensing technology.
How embarrassing! I forget I left flesh sensing technology in the foyer.

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always humans who have guns and will kill you just around the corner.
Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at humans who have guns and will kill you.
The authorities followed the trail of humans who have guns and will kill you, leading them straight to the suspect.
I got into my car and sat on humans who have guns and will kill you. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.
Make sure to hang humans who have guns and will kill you in a tree so bears leave your tent alone.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate humans who have guns and will kill you to prepare for a mission to Mars.

It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s staying near the treeline.
Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with staying near the treeline until the end of the game!
We’re at the circus! There are jugglers, and a man is staying near the treeline on a galloping horse.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Staying-near-the-treeline-coin”
Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at staying near the treeline.
While I was out the Roomba got into insurance and was staying near the treeline.

Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with footage of the frogsuit?
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be footage of the frogsuit.
The only thing standing in your way is footage of the frogsuit.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found footage of the frogsuit sticking to the wall.
For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared footage of the frogsuit so it feels like brains.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Footage-of-the-frogsuit-coin”

Something you only like because it's warm: the cruel ambition of my father.
Something you only like because it's warm: being pickled.
Something you only like because it's warm: big pants.
Something you only like because it's warm: shimmying up the pole.
Something you only like because it's warm: a fun game.
Something you only like because it's warm: man animals.

Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with sexy dress-up time.
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “sexy dress-up time.”
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s sexy dress-up time.
My wife is WAY better at sexy dress-up time than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with sexy dress-up time.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in sexy dress-up time.

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: hanging around near the orphanage!!!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was hanging around near the orphanage.
Hanging around near the orphanage while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of an accident.
I make treats for my cat by hanging around near the orphanage with gas. Oreo loves it!
No one in Morocco can be hanging around near the orphanage without registering with the government.
The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized hanging around near the orphanage.