Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
At work I secretly have 7 or 8 hobos under my desk.
At the coffee shop they put “7 or 8 hobos” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
If I had secret Jews, you’d be 7 or 8 hobos!
7 or 8 hobos is my womanly virtue in the ocean of life!
Shepherds in Scotland have used 7 or 8 hobos for years to keep the flock from door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with violent death and a strange boy who fights 7 or 8 hobos.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 24 at 06:16 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had my clenched fist.
I’ve finally got the last of industrial solvent out of my clenched fist.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like my clenched fist.
Instructions unclear: got my happy place stuck in my clenched fist.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about my clenched fist and the whole planet. Should I talk to him?
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about my clenched fist?
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 24 at 06:26 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
Ok, but for real:
"Instructions unclear: got my clenched fist stuck in my happy place."
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 24 at 06:27 UTC
|
|
|
|
Swallowing my corpse whole At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began swallowing my corpse whole in front of his top supporters.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Swallowing My Corpse Whole” syndrome!
I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were swallowing my corpse whole.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then swallowing my corpse whole really affected me.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, swallowing my corpse whole, sloth, wrath, shivering and moaning, and pride.
At the coffee shop they put “swallowing my corpse whole” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 24 at 15:52 UTC
|
|
|
|
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am living in an igloo. Would you like to try our new special, some kids?
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for unbelievably beautiful hair and to avoid living in an igloo.
Pundits agree it will take living in an igloo for the senator to win the election.
My car looks like it’s living in an igloo but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
Living in an igloo is the spice of Jews in cahoots.
The rich aroma of living in an igloo, from the hills of Colombia.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 27 at 23:12 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 27 at 23:13 UTC
|
|
|
|
Instructions unclear: got dude after dude stuck in my nightmare.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit clicking the mouse and acquire my nightmare!
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with my nightmare! It’s all here in my manifesto!
If you do it right, my nightmare is all about being too busy.
The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out my nightmare.
In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in my nightmare in the middle of each intersection.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 27 at 23:13 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 27 at 23:15 UTC
|
|
|
|
If I had my lucky rabbit's foot, you’d be burning my junk!
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn the collar around my neck, but now for work I’m my lucky rabbit's foot. Go figure!
I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring my lucky rabbit's foot.
Getting my lucky rabbit's foot back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
Today I bought a made up racial slur from the back of a van. They also threw in my lucky rabbit's foot, which I didn’t even think was legal.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. An Accident is my lucky rabbit's foot.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 27 at 23:15 UTC
|
|
|
|
At work I secretly have some of my fingers under my desk.
Are you there God? It’s me, some of my fingers.
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into some of my fingers.
Last night was the tragic result of some of my fingers.
The TSA has made new rules mandating some of my fingers on every commercial flight.
Life without love is like some of my fingers without a horse’s booty or fruit.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Aug 28 at 23:12 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 29 at 00:02 UTC
|
|
|
|
Walmart has started selling {n} in child size! Walmart has started selling mediocre tits in child size!
Walmart has started selling shitty chairs from IKEA® in child size!
Walmart has started selling a shard of shrapnel in child size!
Walmart has started selling enough lube in child size!
Walmart has started selling a gentle, flourished spanking in child size!
Walmart has started selling work in child size!
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 4 at 22:21 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Sep 4 at 22:22 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore my flabby belly paunch in a very realistic way.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “my flabby belly paunch” incident in the science lab.
Use the same action as when puffing your cheeks, but the air should pass into my flabby belly paunch and your cheeks should be relaxed.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for my flabby belly paunch!
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my flabby belly paunch.
My flabby belly paunch is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just freezing solid. Sorry.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 5 at 06:05 UTC
|
|
|
|
Today I learned my father has been {v} for forty years. Today I learned my father has been installing an update for forty years.
Today I learned my father has been sweating, groaning and screaming for forty years.
Today I learned my father has been getting off for forty years.
Today I learned my father has been being cooked and eaten for forty years.
Today I learned my father has been whistling at women for forty years.
Today I learned my father has been taking it hard for forty years.
My "friends" came over and put {n} in the toilet. My "friends" came over and put a rip in the toilet.
My "friends" came over and put a prime cut of steak in the toilet.
My "friends" came over and put lactating dogs in the toilet.
My "friends" came over and put the most beautiful face ever in the toilet.
My "friends" came over and put an accident in the toilet.
My "friends" came over and put a child drowning in a vat of molasses in the toilet.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 12 at 05:42 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Sep 13 at 17:31 UTC
|
|
|
|
I hate waking up with {n} on my face. I hate waking up with childbirth on my face.
I hate waking up with a sex swing on my face.
I hate waking up with a made up racial slur on my face.
I hate waking up with little traps on my face.
I hate waking up with bad juju on my face.
I hate waking up with its opposite on my face.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 13 at 17:32 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Sep 13 at 17:35 UTC
|
|
|
|
Little bits of toilet paper Lonely guys in Japan can buy little bits of toilet paper that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing little bits of toilet paper, since we’re so good at it.
Nutters running around with chainsaws is little bits of toilet paper in the ocean of life!
I’m shooting a rabbit with an arrow today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with little bits of toilet paper.
If you do it right, little bits of toilet paper is all about demons.
Don't you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with little bits of toilet paper?
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 14 at 19:56 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
My gross uncle who died when he was 17 The hottest new cryptocurrency is “My-gross-uncle-who-died-when-he-was-17-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving an exploding car.
Art can be defined by my gross uncle who died when he was 17 but only if it gets you baby Jesus and inspired.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and my gross uncle who died when he was 17 in the Philippines.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: my gross uncle who died when he was 17!!!
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a small chubby and my card appeared in my gross uncle who died when he was 17!
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for my gross uncle who died when he was 17.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 15 at 08:01 UTC
|
|
|
|
The city council wants to cut down on being in the toaster. Meanwhile people are freely maintaining total stealth!
Robots are best suited to repetitive tasks, such as being in the toaster or spreading disease.
Amtrak officials confirm being in the toaster would have prevented train derailment.
Senator, give me being in the toaster and you’ll get my vote.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, impacting my sister, toilet paper, shelter, and being in the toaster.
Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew propaganda about being in the toaster.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 18 at 18:10 UTC
|
|
|
|
Monopoly: Extremely Poor Judgment Edition comes with tight clothes and spiders EVERYWHERE instead of houses and hotels.
spiders EVERYWHERE is where Jews in cahoots goes to die.
Spiders EVERYWHERE is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just knowing hell. Sorry.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by spiders EVERYWHERE.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be spiders EVERYWHERE.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of spiders EVERYWHERE.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 24 at 23:31 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
Getting knocked up by my gay cousin Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus before getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re getting knocked up by my gay cousin!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
The problem with America is getting knocked up by my gay cousin.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly getting knocked up by my gay cousin right in front of their children.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began getting knocked up by my gay cousin in front of his top supporters.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Sep 28 at 06:04 UTC
|
|
|
|
Not being fucking in the way It is disrespectful and dangerous to be not being fucking in the way during sex.
Not being fucking in the way gets me into some awkward situations. But my sex tape has always got my back.
My publisher demanded I remove not being fucking in the way from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
Shepherds in Scotland have used one large prostitute for years to keep the flock from not being fucking in the way.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for not being fucking in the way.
Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Not Being Fucking in the Way and You”.
Getting the fuck out of the way Howdy neighbor, love getting the fuck out of the way! Let’s get a pussy, wet and dripping sometime!
They said getting the fuck out of the way was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of getting the fuck out of the way!
Thanks for getting the fuck out of the way last night. *wink* *wink*
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of getting the fuck out of the way.
The HOA says I can’t raise tikka masala on my property. Meanwhile no word about getting the fuck out of the way at the Jones’s!
Always walk into an interview with a purring kitten and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate getting the fuck out of the way.
Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with the number five.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw a tiny bat crawling up your peehole flavor and then the number five flavor.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by the number five?
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about inertia, but with the number five!
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be the number five if I wanted a new family.
Last night I dreamed of a big, red X. I cannot shake the feeling that the number five will arrive soon.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 2 at 05:23 UTC
|
|
|
|
My 80lb emotional support hog At the coffee shop they put “my 80lb emotional support hog” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
We are going to taxidermy my 80lb emotional support hog to make a statue out of it!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in my 80lb emotional support hog!
Go, go, Gadget My 80lb Emotional Support Hog!
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out my 80lb emotional support hog for free on every corner.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise my 80lb emotional support hog by rewarding them with drinking toilet water.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 2 at 19:18 UTC
|
|
|
|
The authorities followed the trail of blood in the trash can, leading them straight to the suspect.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Googly Eyes” and it helps me with blood in the trash can.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s one large prostitute straddled by blood in the trash can.
Blood in the trash can can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for blood in the trash can.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing blood in the trash can is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Bleeding in the trash can Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re bleeding in the trash can and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into bleeding in the trash can.
Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at bleeding in the trash can.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than bleeding in the trash can.
In the first Battle of Bleeding in the Trash Can he faced nitro-boosted performance, and with one great blow he split them in half.
This workplace has gone (0) days without bleeding in the trash can.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 2 at 21:58 UTC
|
|
|
|
A new study found that giving employees compliments and a big ol' tumor can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a big ol' tumor.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a big ol' tumor and it’s getting weird.
This workplace has gone (0) days without a big ol' tumor.
I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a big ol' tumor.
Thanks for a big ol' tumor last night. *wink* *wink*
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 3 at 21:33 UTC
|
|
|
|
Ariana Grande wore {n} on tour and fans are going nuts. Ariana Grande wore battery acid on tour and fans are going nuts.
Ariana Grande wore another way in on tour and fans are going nuts.
Ariana Grande wore some prick on tour and fans are going nuts.
Ariana Grande wore so many dudes on tour and fans are going nuts.
Ariana Grande wore a dollar on tour and fans are going nuts.
Ariana Grande wore spongy flesh on tour and fans are going nuts.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 3 at 21:52 UTC
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
|
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core {p} at the same time without getting your hands dirty. Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core claws at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core earwig pincers at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core divorce papers at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core insane shoes at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core amputated eyelids at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
Chefs are going crazy over this new device that lets you peel and core all the leopards at the same time without getting your hands dirty.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 4 at 01:39 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Oct 4 at 01:40 UTC
|
|
|
|
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of God's mandate on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into violent death, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start God's mandate.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide God's mandate directly.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for God's mandate.
They didn’t have toxic virginity at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed God's mandate.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of God's mandate at my place.
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 7 at 22:06 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Oct 7 at 22:06 UTC
|
|
|
|
Embodying my entire aesthetic The only thing standing in your way is embodying my entire aesthetic.
Senator, give me embodying my entire aesthetic and you’ll get my vote.
The truly rich have mansions with a bag of duck vaginas room, a strange candy that makes you gay room, and servants to handle embodying my entire aesthetic.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Embodying-my-entire-aesthetic-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving a penis and a vagina.
That kind of attitude is why we have embodying my entire aesthetic now.
If embodying my entire aesthetic were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
2019 Oct 7 at 22:11 UTC
|
|
|
|
