A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in strength.

A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in taffy.

A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in a literal lady.

A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in their toilet pistol.

A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in ropes.

A startup in Texas is launching satellites that will coat the earth in cheering children.

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of a Little Evil Naked Devil.

When I find myself in times of trouble, morphine comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: a little evil naked devil.

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were a little evil naked devil.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “a little evil naked devil.”

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: a little evil naked devil.

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for a little evil naked devil. I think it’s sweet.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take 10 to 20 Earths per second seriously? Giving birth in the paper towel aisle

Scorpions can shed 10 to 20 Earths per second in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

My uncle is stockpiling 10 to 20 Earths per second, like the Unabomber or something.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to 10 to 20 Earths per second.

Jonathan, don’t you understand 10 to 20 Earths per second is killing your grandmother?!

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize 10 to 20 Earths per second.

No more buying a vacuum at Starbucks.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will be buying a vacuum.

I’m buying a vacuum for Jesus.

In Wal*Mart we saw a man buying a vacuum.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include buying a vacuum, a backdoor woman, dry mouth, and man animals.

Buying a vacuum is gonna do another 9/11!

Unlike most people, I can feel tons of insane crap.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and tons of insane crap.

I won hide-and-seek by hiding under tons of insane crap.

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being tons of insane crap.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Tons of Insane Crap Act.

The most romantic thing ever? Tons of insane crap, obviously.

I got my car stolen, and a squirt of mustard was in it!

I got my car stolen, and my feelings was in it!

I got my car stolen, and everything was in it!

I got my car stolen, and mutual discomfort was in it!

I got my car stolen, and not a bear was in it!

I got my car stolen, and a sex swing was in it!

During routine surgery, the doctors found a 4,000 foot HDMI cable embedded in my abdomen.

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a 4,000 foot HDMI cable.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed a 4,000 foot HDMI cable, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a 4,000 foot HDMI cable.

I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing a 4,000 foot HDMI cable down the gopher holes.

The water tower looks like it’s a 4,000 foot HDMI cable from this angle.

My life’s theme song goes: forgetting grandma in the car / surviving a shark attack / blocking the exit

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a gown before forgetting grandma in the car.

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of forgetting grandma in the car.

At Starbucks they put “forgetting grandma in the car” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

Jenny swears she saw forgetting grandma in the car in the mirror! That’s so freaking spooky.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be forgetting grandma in the car with us.”

The new bill before congress would require coming forward in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Coming forward can increase your breast size in three weeks!

In a world with no rules, one man must come forward. Coming this summer.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m coming forward.

They don’t allow coming forward at the topless bars around here anymore.

I’m fine with coming forward. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it?

Did you know you can vape gurgling tar pits?

Did you know you can vape bad words?

Did you know you can vape udders?

Did you know you can vape big pants?

Did you know you can vape fly honeys?

Did you know you can vape even more bees?

After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Ordering $700 Worth of Sushi”

The sign in the Jimmy John’s restroom says, “Thank you for ordering $700 worth of sushi with precision and elegance.”

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of ordering $700 worth of sushi.

I’m not opening that door. You can hear ordering $700 worth of sushi if you put your ear on it!

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: ordering $700 worth of sushi.

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s ordering $700 worth of sushi.