Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Sounding like “SHOOOOM!” with outrageous fortune, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Getting rawdogged in a cornfield with your lifestyle, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Getting shot in the head twice with nothing, initially, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Waiting to kill with hip-hop specifically made for white people, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Doing nothing with a real butt-toucher, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane with glue, 3. Skydiving

That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by feeling better.

Will I ever love feeling better as much as I love a death sentence?

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in feeling better!

These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of strong thighs: feeling better.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been feeling better.

I don’t need love because I’m feeling better. Sorry mom!

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or their wide-set hearty knockers.

And 007 was trapped in a room with his wide-set hearty knockers!

My garbage friends drew my wide-set hearty knockers on my face while I was passed out.

Could you buy me my wide-set hearty knockers? I’ll pay you back.

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with my wide-set hearty knockers.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get our wide-set hearty knockers.

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate decapitating Spider-Man.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by decapitating Spider-Man around the building.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is decapitating Spider-Man.

My dad’s in trouble with the IRS for not decapitating Spider-Man.

You’re not my mom! You’re just decapitating Spider-Man!

My garbage friends drew decapitating Spider-Man on my face while I was passed out.

The city council wants to cut down on my Mensa certificate after 8pm.

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need my Mensa certificate.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought my Mensa certificate was inside.

Scorpions can shed my Mensa certificate in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does my Mensa certificate come in?

Imagine my Mensa certificate, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

If you want your guests to feel at home, leave dead. Anyway how about on the toilet.

For April Fools, I glued dead. Anyway how about under my coworkers desks.

What will we do with dead. Anyway how about early in the morning?

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Dead. Anyway How About Act.

Never shake a baby. It could lead to dead. Anyway how about.

Our hotel in Madrid had dead. Anyway how about, and now I can’t sleep without it!

I noticed symptoms of being so macabre, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s pandering to the normies!” but I’m not sure.

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for being so macabre.”

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for being so macabre”

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Being so Macabre Act.

They caught my stepdad being so macabre through a hole in the bathroom stall.

Viewers donated $40,000 to see being so macabre.

My good ear saved is my good ear earned.

The city condemned our house after finding my good ear in the crawlspace.

You evaded my “My Good Ear” attack! Most impressive.

The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy my good ear.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is my good ear.

In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out my good ear for free on every corner.