No more buying a vacuum at Starbucks.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will be buying a vacuum.

I’m buying a vacuum for Jesus.

In Wal*Mart we saw a man buying a vacuum.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include buying a vacuum, a backdoor woman, dry mouth, and man animals.

Buying a vacuum is gonna do another 9/11!

Unlike most people, I can feel tons of insane crap.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and tons of insane crap.

I won hide-and-seek by hiding under tons of insane crap.

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being tons of insane crap.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Tons of Insane Crap Act.

The most romantic thing ever? Tons of insane crap, obviously.

I got my car stolen, and a squirt of mustard was in it!

I got my car stolen, and my feelings was in it!

I got my car stolen, and everything was in it!

I got my car stolen, and mutual discomfort was in it!

I got my car stolen, and not a bear was in it!

I got my car stolen, and a sex swing was in it!

During routine surgery, the doctors found a 4,000 foot HDMI cable embedded in my abdomen.

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a 4,000 foot HDMI cable.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed a 4,000 foot HDMI cable, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a 4,000 foot HDMI cable.

I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing a 4,000 foot HDMI cable down the gopher holes.

The water tower looks like it’s a 4,000 foot HDMI cable from this angle.

My life’s theme song goes: forgetting grandma in the car / surviving a shark attack / blocking the exit

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a gown before forgetting grandma in the car.

J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of forgetting grandma in the car.

At Starbucks they put “forgetting grandma in the car” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

Jenny swears she saw forgetting grandma in the car in the mirror! That’s so freaking spooky.

I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be forgetting grandma in the car with us.”

The new bill before congress would require coming forward in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Coming forward can increase your breast size in three weeks!

In a world with no rules, one man must come forward. Coming this summer.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m coming forward.

They don’t allow coming forward at the topless bars around here anymore.

I’m fine with coming forward. But why do they have to be so in-your-face about it?

Did you know you can vape gurgling tar pits?

Did you know you can vape bad words?

Did you know you can vape udders?

Did you know you can vape big pants?

Did you know you can vape fly honeys?

Did you know you can vape even more bees?

After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Ordering $700 Worth of Sushi”

The sign in the Jimmy John’s restroom says, “Thank you for ordering $700 worth of sushi with precision and elegance.”

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of ordering $700 worth of sushi.

I’m not opening that door. You can hear ordering $700 worth of sushi if you put your ear on it!

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: ordering $700 worth of sushi.

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s ordering $700 worth of sushi.

I wanted to scare my girlfriend so I got a great idea out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice!

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Great Idea!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a great idea.

McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a great idea.

The secret to a happy marriage: a great idea.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with a great idea jumping and nipping at me from below.

My spirit animal: Floridians.

Shhh! I need help making Floridians look like an accident.

Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in Floridians.

During routine surgery, the doctors found Floridians embedded in my abdomen.

Celebrities keep getting cancelled over Floridians. And you know what? They deserve it.

For Christmas, everyone got Floridians in their stockings!

Every home dungeon requires chains, a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim, and warm lighting.

Every home dungeon requires chains, a bunch of wood chips and shredded newsprint, and warm lighting.

Every home dungeon requires chains, a bloodthirsty viking, and warm lighting.

Every home dungeon requires chains, an inept assassin, and warm lighting.

Every home dungeon requires chains, little turds everywhere, and warm lighting.

Every home dungeon requires chains, a leak, and warm lighting.