Jeez! Who slipped the labia in your Cheerios™ this morning?

Can I get some floss? There’s the labia between my teeth.

When I was a kid I used to take the labia into the bathroom with me.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by the labia.

When I find myself in times of trouble, the labia comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: a cage built for an autistic student.

In Thailand you can get the labia at McDonald’s!

I love children because you can never tell if they are shitting their entire skeleton into the toilet or being maimed in foreign lands.

Amtrak officials confirm shitting their entire skeleton into the toilet would have prevented train derailment.

I feel like I’m being punished for shitting my entire skeleton into the toilet.

In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually shitting his entire skeleton into the toilet.

A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly shitting their entire skeleton into the toilet right in front of their children.

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will shit my entire skeleton into the toilet.

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for oiling my blade. I think it’s sweet.

I’ve got a master’s degree in Oiling My Blade!

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of oiling our blade.

My publisher demanded I remove oiling my blade from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

It’s not delivery. It’s oiling my blade.

Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by oiling their blade.

All the best love stories include potato!.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like potato!.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-potato, or even some kind of a-little-sarin-gas scene.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Potato!”! I shook his hand and it felt like potato!.

Nobody likes potato!.

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as potato!.

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Sounding like “SHOOOOM!” with outrageous fortune, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Getting rawdogged in a cornfield with your lifestyle, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Getting shot in the head twice with nothing, initially, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Waiting to kill with hip-hop specifically made for white people, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Doing nothing with a real butt-toucher, 3. Skydiving

Bucket list: 1. Visit Paris, 2. Flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane with glue, 3. Skydiving

That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by feeling better.

Will I ever love feeling better as much as I love a death sentence?

No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in feeling better!

These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of strong thighs: feeling better.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been feeling better.

I don’t need love because I’m feeling better. Sorry mom!

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or their wide-set hearty knockers.

And 007 was trapped in a room with his wide-set hearty knockers!

My garbage friends drew my wide-set hearty knockers on my face while I was passed out.

Could you buy me my wide-set hearty knockers? I’ll pay you back.

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with my wide-set hearty knockers.

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get our wide-set hearty knockers.

Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate decapitating Spider-Man.

Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by decapitating Spider-Man around the building.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is decapitating Spider-Man.

My dad’s in trouble with the IRS for not decapitating Spider-Man.

You’re not my mom! You’re just decapitating Spider-Man!

My garbage friends drew decapitating Spider-Man on my face while I was passed out.

The city council wants to cut down on my Mensa certificate after 8pm.

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need my Mensa certificate.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought my Mensa certificate was inside.

Scorpions can shed my Mensa certificate in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does my Mensa certificate come in?

Imagine my Mensa certificate, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

If you want your guests to feel at home, leave dead. Anyway how about on the toilet.

For April Fools, I glued dead. Anyway how about under my coworkers desks.

What will we do with dead. Anyway how about early in the morning?

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Dead. Anyway How About Act.

Never shake a baby. It could lead to dead. Anyway how about.

Our hotel in Madrid had dead. Anyway how about, and now I can’t sleep without it!