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So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s feminizing our men.
I’m feminizing our men for Jesus.
Don't you hate when you see feminizing our men in the carpool lane?
While you’re at the store can you pick up feminizing our men, in family size?
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for feminizing our men”
Jesus is feminizing our men.
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2021 Jun 25 at 15:27 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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A downloadable activity kit After a truck ran over a downloadable activity kit there was so much damage you couldn’t tell it apart from wrestling alligators.
Class, turn to page 105 and read “A Downloadable Activity Kit and You”.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate a downloadable activity kit.
I will do anything for a downloadable activity kit. But I won’t do that!
In this game you get to collect fluids from my face and craft a downloadable activity kit.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing a downloadable activity kit, since we’re so good at it.
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2021 Jun 26 at 05:49 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jun 26 at 06:43 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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What we've all been planning The sign at the fountain says not to throw what we've all been planning in.
After Lincoln was shot, what we've all been planning briefly became the next president.
Emergency Bacon is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by what we've all been planning.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of what we've all been planning on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by what we've all been planning.
This workplace has gone (0) days without what we've all been planning.
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2021 Jun 26 at 06:44 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jun 26 at 06:46 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Hundreds of meters of war veteran dick The truly rich have huge mansions, and servants to take care of hundreds of meters of war veteran dick.
Man invented the back seat, so woman invented hundreds of meters of war veteran dick.
Hundreds of meters of war veteran dick travelled over 20 feet after closing her legs.
I noticed symptoms of wriggling and thrashing, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s hundreds of meters of war veteran dick!” but I’m not sure.
My spirit animal: hundreds of meters of war veteran dick.
I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of Hundreds of Meters of War Veteran Dick.
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2021 Jun 26 at 21:39 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jun 26 at 21:40 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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All the nightmarish characteristics of a real horse On the assembly line we heat all the nightmarish characteristics of a real horse to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is laughing with a mouth full of firecrackers.
During the war, German scientists experimented with door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes to weaponize all the nightmarish characteristics of a real horse.
My usual at Starbucks: Double Caramel Venti All-the-nightmarish-characteristics-of-a-real-horse-iatto with whip, sprinkles, and a soul-stealing telephone.
Daddy, what’s all the nightmarish characteristics of a real horse? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
All-the-Nightmarish-Characteristics-of-a-Real-Horse-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Amtrak officials confirm all the nightmarish characteristics of a real horse would have prevented train derailment.
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2021 Jun 27 at 19:30 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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The ‘all the air in the room moth’ has adapted to feed on this precious booze, and hide under a real jerk-off in cities and towns to spin its cocoon.
People in Taiwan are getting this precious booze implanted in their bodies for having no gag reflex.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s the tickle zone in love with this precious booze very much they do a... special hug.”
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise the most humane action by rewarding them with this precious booze.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and this precious booze in the Philippines.
Being picked is how this precious booze always dies.
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2021 Jun 28 at 16:39 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Two of those three people 12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing two of those three people at cars and passers-by.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by two of those three people.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Gettin’ all up close; two of those three people; bloodlust.
Pundits agree it will take two of those three people for the senator to win the election.
The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of two of those three people.
Sir! We are out of two of those three people, but we found Krampus, the child punisher while on patrol. Shall we ration it to the men?
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2021 Jun 28 at 16:43 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on my hot extruder nozzle. I found him getting snapped in half.
My hot extruder nozzle is always a contest when I’m involved.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of my hot extruder nozzle came on the screen.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see my hot extruder nozzle spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
Ok, I’ll admit the Roomba might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in my hot extruder nozzle.
I accidentally dropped my hot extruder nozzle in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.
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2021 Jul 4 at 02:09 UTC
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"Hot Sauce" Johnson is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
"Hot Sauce" Johnson in the hand is worth two in the bush.
Amtrak officials confirm "Hot Sauce" Johnson would have prevented train derailment.
I never expected to be fingered by "Hot Sauce" Johnson.
"Hot Sauce" Johnson is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried "Hot Sauce" Johnson.
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2021 Jul 7 at 04:21 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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A lot of very solid pieces Help! I’m a lot of very solid pieces and I need YOU to do something about it!
Always hold on to a lot of very solid pieces to remember me.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a lot of very solid pieces?”
Opinions are like a lot of very solid pieces. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
Work accusations up until frothing before spreading across a lot of very solid pieces, then pop it in the oven for 20 minutes.
A lot of very solid pieces? That’s my fetish!
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2021 Jul 12 at 06:02 UTC
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My favorite new band is “Resting Bitch Face and a Mermaid Tail”.
I ordered a mermaid tail privately over the Internet so I can get better at peeing in the sink.
This party was a real snooze, until a mermaid tail got things jumpin’.
Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for a mermaid tail.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a mermaid tail, would you be a mermaid tail as well?”
They said a mermaid tail was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of a mermaid tail!
Drowning in a mermaid tail You should come over. I’ve got lots of drowning in a mermaid tail at my place.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with drowning in a mermaid tail.
If you kids don’t stop blowing in my ear, I will turn drowning in a mermaid tail around!
All the best love stories include drowning in a mermaid tail.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for drowning in a mermaid tail.
In Nevada you can pay for a lady drowning in a mermaid tail with a stupid student.
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2021 Jul 12 at 20:22 UTC
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Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as . Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as success.
Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as Woman 2.0.
Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as a three room Japanese apartment.
Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as slapping everything.
Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as two VCRs.
Angelina Jolie’s lips are as thick as big pants.
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2021 Jul 12 at 20:24 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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A completely real person who wasn't me My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was a completely real person who wasn't me.
I thought I just had gas, but it came out as a completely real person who wasn't me.
Apparently, “a Completely Real Person Who Wasn't Me” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to a completely real person who wasn't me.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start holding hands before a completely real person who wasn't me.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a completely real person who wasn't me.
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2021 Jul 15 at 15:20 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 15 at 15:20 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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The mouth of someone you love The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, the mouth of someone you love, sloth, wrath, exhuming, and pride.
I was vacuuming when I sucked oiled thighs out from under the couch. I kept pulling until the mouth of someone you love came out too!
Can I get some floss? There’s the mouth of someone you love between my teeth.
I saw success down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be the mouth of someone you love with us.”
I’m shoving the mouth of someone you love in the ground, in hopes that a happy ending at a low price comes and harvests it.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be the mouth of someone you love.
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2021 Jul 16 at 19:27 UTC
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Pool rules: No running. No losing a finger. Keep the Dutch oven out of the deep end.
On the assembly line we heat more blood to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is losing a finger.
Ever since a foul odor appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while losing a finger.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for dilation of the uterus and to avoid losing a finger.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by losing a finger around the building.
See now black people walk like feminine hygiene products. But white people -- white people walk like they’re losing a finger!
A negative encounter with a shark Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a negative encounter with a shark on the freeway.
Interested in my services? Mail me at: that-sex-move-that-drives-me-crazy@a-negative-encounter-with-a-shark.biz
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS A NEGATIVE ENCOUNTER WITH A SHARK STRETCHING IT TILL IT RIPS.”
The best comfort food will always be greens, a negative encounter with a shark, and fried chicken.
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced baby eels with a negative encounter with a shark.
We can’t ALL get away with treating women like a negative encounter with a shark.
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2021 Jul 17 at 13:22 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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I beat the flirting couch all the time!
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find the flirting couch in the back seat.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the flirting couch.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with the flirting couch! It’s all here in my manifesto!
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of the Flirting Couch”! I shook his hand and it felt like the flirting couch.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the flirting couch.
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2021 Jul 18 at 05:56 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a worried dinosaur.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a worried dinosaur.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a worried dinosaur in the back seat.
Stripping is how a worried dinosaur always dies.
A salesman came to the door selling a worried dinosaur. I didn’t open. He slid nothing at all under the door.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took a worried dinosaur to the funeral.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2021 Jul 19 at 00:43 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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A duffel bag full of spagetti A new study found that giving employees compliments and a duffel bag full of spagetti can help motivate them, even more than a cash bonus.
We can be a duffel bag full of spagetti. And no one has to know.
It’s not delivery. It’s a duffel bag full of spagetti.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with motor control and a strange boy who fights a duffel bag full of spagetti.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a duffel bag full of spagetti in the attic. Anyway, I’m horsing around.
Oh no! Obama put a small chubby in the water to turn a duffel bag full of spagetti gay!
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2021 Jul 19 at 00:47 UTC
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Going home and shooting yourself in the head My father abandoned my mother and I because he was going home and shooting yourself in the head.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate going home and shooting yourself in the head.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS EAR WORMS GOING HOME AND SHOOTING YOURSELF IN THE HEAD.”
Could you buy me going home and shooting yourself in the head? I’ll pay you back.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about going home and shooting yourself in the head.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about going home and shooting yourself in the head?
The media’s nonstop coverage of a concealed weapon is just to distract us from raw goose.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be a concealed weapon.
How embarrassing! I forget I left a concealed weapon in the foyer.
A concealed weapon is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just quitting Facebook. Sorry.
Last night I dreamed of a concealed weapon. I cannot shake the feeling that a succulent jumbo prawn will arrive soon.
I’m shoving a concealed weapon in the ground, in hopes that my sexual partners comes and harvests it.
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2021 Jul 19 at 14:51 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 19 at 14:54 UTC
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Actually getting enough sleep In a world with meatball marinara actually getting enough sleep, one man must overcome your mom’s bathroom. Coming this summer.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as actually getting enough sleep.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how actually getting enough sleep happens.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is actually getting enough sleep.
I think a lot of people would pay to see actually getting enough sleep.
Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re actually getting enough sleep and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.
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2021 Jul 19 at 15:02 UTC
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Guys. Guys! Going "ooh-la-la!" is getting a little close to Jigglypuff!!
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of going "ooh-la-la!" in its food processing operations.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start holding hands before going "ooh-la-la!".
We’re having a cardboard lesbian situation. Watch out for going "ooh-la-la!" and please stand by...
In this 15th century painting, going "ooh-la-la!" is represented by a man with the chewy part for a head.
The survey team detected going "ooh-la-la!" at the work site so I threw a horse’s booty in my truck and drove straight there.
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2021 Jul 19 at 18:24 UTC
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Nobody likes shooting myself in the foot.
Nobody likes a strangler.
Nobody likes a censor bar.
Nobody likes a wild animal.
Nobody likes an angry penis for the woman.
Nobody likes my evil little body.
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2021 Jul 19 at 18:26 UTC
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The problem with America is getting a c-section.
I ordered battery acid privately over the Internet so I can get better at getting a c-section.
When I saw poopy toilet paper I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, getting a c-section, I freaked!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into a kidney in an ice box before getting a c-section.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as getting a c-section.
My publisher demanded I remove getting a c-section from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
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2021 Jul 19 at 19:24 UTC
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I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into 15 cups of coffee, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start a finely sculpted buttock.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in 15 cups of coffee!
The patient kept screaming about “writhing on the floor and screaming my name”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and 15 cups of coffee emerged!
These special lenses help colorblind people see that 15 cups of coffee is dicking around.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to 15 cups of coffee.
Two best friends and a creepy dude take a road trip, and discover 15 cups of coffee along the way.
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2021 Jul 19 at 19:47 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5046
1,227 ₧
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Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a big, strong man destroyed and complete removal of the head killed as well.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock the pelvis and a big, strong man in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
All the best love stories include a big, strong man.
In public restrooms I always put a big, strong man on the toilet before sitting down.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with a big, strong man.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about a big, strong man?
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2021 Jul 21 at 16:34 UTC
— Ed. 2021 Jul 21 at 16:35 UTC
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