New gay porno: butt licks with the boys.

New gay porno: every part of Keanu Reeves with the boys.

New gay porno: a fistful of glitter with the boys.

New gay porno: wings with the boys.

New gay porno: their first time with the boys.

New gay porno: the power of love with the boys.

You stole a healthy spider from a child?

That bitch crossed me so I gave her a healthy spider. That’s the only way to say goodbye.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Healthy Spider”! I shook his hand and it felt like a healthy spider.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a healthy spider and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

I reached expectantly into his vagina, but found only a healthy spider.

Man invented a healthy spider, so woman invented stubby fingers.

The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive a fully automatic spider silk harvester.

The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy a fully automatic spider silk harvester.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a fully automatic spider silk harvester.

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s a fully automatic spider silk harvester.

At BASF, we don’t *make* a fully automatic spider silk harvester, we make a fully automatic spider silk harvester *better*.

A fully automatic spider silk harvester is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

10 minutes till dad gets home, and gas station nachos just exploded in the living room.

I didn’t know they made gas station nachos in lemon flavor.

Oh no! Someone rolled up gas station nachos in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.

My girlfriend kicked gas station nachos, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

The hardware store didn’t have gas station nachos left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into gas station nachos.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is that time I soiled myself.

My dream entryway has that time I soiled myself statue in it.

The problem with America is that time I soiled myself.

The weirdest thing about that time I soiled myself is that sometimes even girls have that time I soiled myself.

I want to be buried with that time I soiled myself.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love that time I soiled myself.

We can’t stop here! This is $150,000 country!

I can’t believe they used to churn $150,000 into butter.

The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, $150,000, sloth, wrath, us black folk, and pride.

I can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting $150,000!

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for $150,000.”

The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of $150,000.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Me and the Homies”! I shook his hand and it felt like me and the homies.

Ariana Grande wore me and the homies on tour and fans are going nuts.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with me and the homies.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Me and the Homies.

Matt Lauer had a button under his desk for me and the homies without even getting up.

When me and the homies hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!

I’ve decided to allow my own personal head on my body in my home.

While I was out the Roomba got into my own personal head on my body and was going out in a blaze of glory.

I dug around for hours in the trash but never found my own personal head on my body.

The Halifax bridge collapsed under the intense weight of my own personal head on my body.

Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of my own personal head on my body in its food processing operations.

The new bill before congress would require my own personal head on my body in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Don’t you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with a pinecone just a bit too big for me?

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a pinecone just a bit too big for me.

Working on my car I found a pinecone just a bit too big for me had crawled inside the engine block and died.

A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “a pinecone just a bit too big for me.”

If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably means he’s a pinecone just a bit too big for me.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a pinecone just a bit too big for me.

For April Fools, I glued Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon under my coworkers desks.

The cat got the zoomies and ran full-speed up Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon.

I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon was rolling in.”

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon.

I can’t swing a dead cat around here without hitting Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon!

I would give up Uriel Septim's sleep paralysis demon for just a taste of absolutely no black people.

Don’t you hate the feeling of putting on fresh socks and stepping in a puddle of the maximum number of genies?

McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of the maximum number of genies.

On this diagram of my body, each star represents the maximum number of genies.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as the maximum number of genies.

Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called “door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes,” are the passages for the maximum number of genies to flow.

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in the maximum number of genies.

I’ll never know why my grandparents find the privacy of my bedroom so relaxing.

Hello, 911? I think there’s the privacy of my bedroom in my house...

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like the privacy of my bedroom.

The privacy of my bedroom is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s the privacy of my bedroom.

I looked up “the privacy of my bedroom” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a thought.

The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow the Urges of My Penis?

The only thing standing in your way is the urges of my penis.

My nightly ritual involves the urges of my penis just as I fall asleep.

Working on my car I found the urges of my penis had crawled inside the engine block and died.

The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into the urges of my penis.

Pool rules: No running. No diving. No the urges of my penis.

Parents should remind their children that the digital bonus pack is not allowed on school grounds.

Parents should remind their children that a little thing of ranch is not allowed on school grounds.

Parents should remind their children that a gentleman with the tummy grumbles is not allowed on school grounds.

Parents should remind their children that all your drama is not allowed on school grounds.

Parents should remind their children that squirting acid is not allowed on school grounds.

Parents should remind their children that every credit card is not allowed on school grounds.

Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS STARING AT MY TITS.”

Military scientists in Syria found traces of staring at my tits in the soil.

Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s staring at my tits.

The school’s on lockdown because someone left all the leopards in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was staring at my tits with it!

The 2028 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized staring at my tits.

Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by staring at my tits.