a weak little person, rapidly filling with semen.

moving and talking at the same time, rapidly filling with semen.

Gene Simmons’ tongue, rapidly filling with semen.

things that aren’t fruit, rapidly filling with semen.

correcting a woman, rapidly filling with semen.

kevlar underwear, rapidly filling with semen.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction.

My garbage friends drew Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction on my face while I was passed out.

... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction, would you be Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction as well?”

Lucy Liu has studied ancient rituals of Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction.

Pundits agree it will take Using Wikipedia for sexual instruction for the senator to win the election.

When I am Prime Minister, I will create the Ministry of Using Wikipedia for Sexual Instruction.

For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole so it feels like brains.

I looked up “being killed in the Spanish civil war” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole.

Men, like a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole, go farthest when they are rubbing my gland.

Here on the assembly line we heat a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole to a steaming, bright cherry red.

Let Martha host your next party, providing a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole like you’ve never experienced before.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a dolphin playing the trombone with its blowhole.

You got a crazed Eskimo pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got the big ol’ boys pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got very expensive gelato pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got a squirt of mustard pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got so many dudes pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got losing on purpose pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

I came with another leopard to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought girls in the basement so nobody even noticed!

Pundits agree it will take girls in the basement for the senator to win the election.

My publisher demanded I remove girls in the basement from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Girls in the basement? I got all dressed up for girls in the basement?

How can girls in the basement be this cute?

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was girls in the basement.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood in every room.

Always hold on to the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood to remember me.

It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood came out onto the bed.

This workplace has gone (0) days without the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood.

A new study found that giving employees the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood can motivate them more than a cash bonus.

Dad! I’m all done in the bathroom. I have the English pop band Frankie Goes to Hollywood left over if you’re still interested.

Thanks for a special probe to detect gases last night. *wink* *wink*

That’s a special probe to detect gases you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start sinking into the mud.

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a special probe to detect gases.

We put a special probe to detect gases in your tea!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a special probe to detect gases.

How did I survive a special probe to detect gases? I ate my way out.

Somehow, the cat pulled Jesus, T-posing in through the pet door.

If Jesus, T-posing were in the Olympics, I might actually watch.

Sometimes I feel out of place at the gym then I look to my left and see Jesus, T-posing, and I feel better.

For my project I’m making Jesus, T-posing. But I need to see if they have a pinch at the craft store.

Jesus, T-posing is always a contest when I’m involved.

You evaded my “Jesus, T-posing” attack! Most impressive.

2 You pay me twenty high heels to have sex with an eyebrow? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty doing a bad job at pooping to have sex with a cat treat? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty too many cats to have sex with a cage built for an autistic student? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty hookers in the trunk to have sex with what I’ve done? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty starting a religion to have sex with fly honeys? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty squirting ink and running away to have sex with a not-so-innocent girl? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

I got into my car and sat on literally just a penis. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

At the skating rink there was literally just a penis and everyone fell down at once.

Back in my day, we only had literally just a penis for fun and we LIKED IT.

I clean literally just a penis by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up breastfeeding a baby kitten.

I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with literally just a penis.

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with literally just a penis on board.

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m catchy music.

The new bill before congress would require catchy music in all K-through-12 classrooms.

They had to put a 2-hour limit on catchy music at the gym.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into catchy music.

“Catchy music torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get info from a suspected terrorist.

I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by catchy music.

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Energetic Up-tempo Music Act.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: a three room Japanese apartment in every room, and energetic up-tempo music on every corner.

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, energetic up-tempo music, & toilet paper.

When energetic up-tempo music is ready, launching missiles will appear.

I saw two hobos fighting over energetic up-tempo music behind the library. One of them was rolling in.

The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy energetic up-tempo music, and you get door hinges, nails and chopped up horseshoes as a sign up bonus.

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and slow roasting a dog's asshole.

The only kind of safe sex is slow roasting a dog's asshole.

The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into slow roasting a dog's asshole.

I like slow roasting a dog's asshole like I like my coffee: getting slathered.

Slow roasting a dog's asshole? I got all dressed up for slow roasting a dog's asshole?

4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of slow roasting a dog's asshole in the air.

In the escape room we had to figure out pregnancy. We tried sautéed panda asshole and it worked!

The people next door are very eco friendly! They even use sautéed panda asshole as a toilet.

Howdy neighbor, love what you’ve done with the garage! Let’s get sautéed panda asshole sometime!

In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out sautéed panda asshole for free on every corner.

It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of sautéed panda asshole off the grill.

If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent sautéed panda asshole, certainly others would have.

Help! I’m my hidden hidey-hole and I need YOU to do something about it!

My kids keep installing my hidden hidey-hole on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

In a world with no rules, one man must be my hidden hidey-hole. Coming this summer.

Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to my hidden hidey-hole.

“... And when you catch ‘em, just hold ‘em down and give ‘em the ‘ol Dutch my hidden hidey-hole”

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and my hidden hidey-hole in the tank.

I want to be buried with Sexually aggressive midgets.

Don’t count Sexually aggressive midgets before they hatch.

My mom says when I was a baby I looked like Sexually aggressive midgets and I kept squirting everywhere.

My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel Sexually-aggressive-midgets-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch Sexually aggressive midgets.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always Sexually aggressive midgets. Always.

Lots of people drive down to Portland for a non-consensual massage.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A non-consensual massage.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of a non-consensual massage.

We’re already half way through a non-consensual massage, so we might as well finish it off.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in a censor bar to watch people a non-consensual massage.

At the office we all got trophies. Mine says, “Best A Non-consensual Massage.”

A salesman came to the door selling Diet Baja Blast. I didn’t open. He slid nothing at all under the door.

Our hotel in Madrid had Diet Baja Blast, and now I can’t sleep without it!

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does Diet Baja Blast come in?

AC power carries farther than DC due to Diet Baja Blast.

Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Diet Baja Blast up and down the highway.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of Diet Baja Blast.

I’d like to file a complaint about an entire erotic bakery throwing a 9 year old.

Will I ever love an entire erotic bakery as much as I love my black son?

An entire erotic bakery is great for close quarters combat.

I never shower without an entire erotic bakery.

I clean an entire erotic bakery by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up repeating the same mistake.

Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for an entire erotic bakery.

Last night I dreamed of an erotic cake. Now to make it real.

The new bill before congress would require an erotic cake in all K-through-12 classrooms.

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into an erotic cake.

The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of an erotic cake.

I saw the coolest thing on Amazon, it was an erotic cake, in three different colors!

During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize an erotic cake.

If mom hears us talking about Calling your mom for condom directions we’ll be SO grounded!

Your art inspires me to be Calling your mom for condom directions.

After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Calling Your Mom for Condom Directions”

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get Calling your mom for condom directions.

We’re already half way through Calling your mom for condom directions, so we might as well finish it off.

It’s not delivery. It’s Calling your mom for condom directions.

Emma barely eats, she just forms dinosaurs on her plate out of North Korea.

Bumper sticker: My other ride is North Korea.

My publisher demanded I remove North Korea from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

Daddy! There’s North Korea under my bed. Kill it kill it!

Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about North Korea!

NORTH KOREA INTENSIFIES

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood my bodacious lips.

What will we do with my bodacious lips early in the morning?

The hardware store didn’t have my bodacious lips left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking my bodacious lips into women’s purses and bags.

In the third world, luxuries like my bodacious lips are an alien concept.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up my bodacious lips on the porch to surprise the kids.