SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions: 3rd Strike

SuperJer Against Humanity Suggestions: 3rd Strike

General — Page 1 2 3 ... 54 55 56 [57] 58 59 60 61 62 63 64
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
A cloaking device
n

A cloaking device is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

They didn’t have a cloaking device at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on a cloaking device.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a cloaking device that overturned their car.

My usual at Starbucks is a Grande Caramel A-cloaking-device-iatto with whip and sprinkles.

When the bull came at me it was like a cloaking device.


 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 00:55 PST — Ed. 2023 Jan 29 at 01:02 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
I want a "those (something) that turned up dead" white card, but I'm not sure what goes best in there. Help me riff on this.

Those protesters that turned up dead
np

My kids keep installing those protesters that turned up dead on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out those protesters that turned up dead each day, and get hog dander for kitty to chase around.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with those protesters that turned up dead.

At the coffee shop they put “those protesters that turned up dead” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

Dagnabbit! I got those protesters that turned up dead all jammed up in the wheel well again.

Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with those protesters that turned up dead between every two.



 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 01:06 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
Also there's a black card that needs fixed:
"The secretive Task Force 88 of was responsible for _ during the Iraq War."
 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 01:15 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars
np

He who controls Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars controls the world.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars.

I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Rey-Starwars-from-the-film-Star-Wars-coin”

The hardware store didn’t have Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted Rey Starwars from the film Star Wars to the vastness of space.


 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 01:26 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
Ill-advised cunnilingus instructions
n

At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare ill-advised cunnilingus instructions right at your table.

My dad’s keyboard has a special key for ill-advised cunnilingus instructions.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider ill-advised cunnilingus instructions.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in ill-advised cunnilingus instructions together.

No one in Morocco can have ill-advised cunnilingus instructions without registering with the government.

Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include shooting myself in the foot, $20 worth of pot, dry mouth, and ill-advised cunnilingus instructions.


 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 01:35 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
No joke, these were just in my brain when I woke up this morning.

Objection! Just because my client was   does not mean he is  .
Play 2

Objection! Just because my client was oozing holes does not mean he is Vladimir Putin’s puddin’ pop.

Objection! Just because my client was a bunch of vulvas in my face does not mean he is being kicked repeatedly in the head.

Objection! Just because my client was Schadenfreude does not mean he is all the beer.

Objection! Just because my client was a mountain of gold doubloons does not mean he is maximum bitch mode.

Objection! Just because my client was snarling and thrashing does not mean he is body parts of celebrities.

Objection! Just because my client was the Hell pits does not mean he is fanny pack full of ground beef.




Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on  {n}? It sure was! Was it in  {n}? You bet!
Play 2

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a big fat butt? It sure was! Was it in a great big sword? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on very expensive gelato? It sure was! Was it in mostly unused hypodermics? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a cornhole? It sure was! Was it in my hood? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on steers and queers? It sure was! Was it in words? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on a leopard? It sure was! Was it in a robustly satisfying fart? You bet!

Try to guess where my tongue has been! Was it on ...........KA-BLAM!!? It sure was! Was it in my swollen jaw? You bet!


 
 
 
2023 Jan 29 at 15:09 PST — Ed. 2023 Jan 29 at 15:10 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
Shared   with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared oral passion with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared allowing babies to starve while you gorge with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared a good thing for the heart with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared laying eggs everywhere with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared twerking while uncontrollably farting with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!

Shared an accident with dad last night. He was cool about it, too!


 
 
 
2023 Jan 30 at 01:16 PST — Ed. 2023 Jan 30 at 01:16 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
A helpless baby orangutan
n

In some households, they’ve trained a helpless baby orangutan to use the potty.

Doctor! My son must have a helpless baby orangutan! Just look at him!

The Halifax bridge collapsed under the intense weight of a helpless baby orangutan.

He who controls a helpless baby orangutan controls the world.

The transferred sperm cells are kept in a helpless baby orangutan, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

That bitch crossed me so I gave her a helpless baby orangutan. That’s the only way to say goodbye.


 
 
 
2023 Jan 30 at 02:02 PST — Ed. 2023 Jan 30 at 02:56 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
 {nU} just came in and started dancing.

A mutilated torso just came in and started dancing.

Side effects just came in and started dancing.

Most of my money just came in and started dancing.

The T-Rex just came in and started dancing.

A not-so-innocent girl just came in and started dancing.

Innocent women and children just came in and started dancing.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 1 at 11:05 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 1 at 13:10 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
A comprehensive anal lesson
n

The shockwave from the mishap at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused a comprehensive anal lesson in the streets.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a comprehensive anal lesson.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a comprehensive anal lesson.

In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a comprehensive anal lesson that overturned their car.

For my project I’m making a comprehensive anal lesson. But I need to see if they have an improvised explosive device at the craft store.

The patient screamed until, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a comprehensive anal lesson emerged!


 
 
 
2023 Feb 2 at 20:50 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
Getting tackled by security in a dying mall
v

I got pulled over the other day when I was getting tackled by security in a dying mall. Apparently, that’s a crime.

When the bull came at me it was like getting tackled by security in a dying mall.

There is no revenge so complete as getting tackled by security in a dying mall.

I need to talk to someone because getting tackled by security in a dying mall just makes a whistling noise.

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting tackled by security in a dying mall and I think I believe her!

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Getting tackled by security in a dying mall can increase your breast size in three weeks!


 
 
 
2023 Feb 4 at 22:49 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 4 at 22:50 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
A slosh of post-mortem ooze
n

For Christmas, everyone got a slosh of post-mortem ooze in their stockings!

I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for a slosh of post-mortem ooze!

My kid was acting up, so I took away a slosh of post-mortem ooze privileges.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Slosh of Post-mortem Ooze!

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with a slosh of post-mortem ooze.

A slosh of post-mortem ooze gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 5 at 00:11 PST
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics

2006 Apr 26 • 700
11 ₧
My extremely submissive goth wife
n

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require my extremely submissive goth wife.

In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy my extremely submissive goth wife from dispensaries.

At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced not many teeth with my extremely submissive goth wife.

These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does my extremely submissive goth wife come in?

This year’s hottest new fashion is my extremely submissive goth wife on your head.

At BASF, we don't *make* my extremely submissive goth wife, we make my extremely submissive goth wife *better*.


What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
 
 
 
2023 Feb 5 at 00:33 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
A violent, raping thrust
n

No more a violent, raping thrust at Starbucks.

Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by a violent, raping thrust.

Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about a violent, raping thrust.

Our secret society is dedicated to a violent, raping thrust.

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with a violent, raping thrust on board.

I got one hand in my pocket, and the other one is a violent, raping thrust.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 5 at 00:56 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
A car designed by Satan
n

Well butter a car designed by Satan and call me an ovipositor!

Apparently, according to my test result, I’m a car designed by Satan.

Salesman: *slaps top of landlubbers* This bad boy can fit a car designed by Satan in it.

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but a car designed by Satan.

A car designed by Satan! A car designed by Satan! My kingdom for a car designed by Satan!

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? A car designed by Satan.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 5 at 10:56 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 5 at 10:56 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
Nothing but dust and cobwebs
nc

Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for nothing but dust and cobwebs.

What will we do with nothing but dust and cobwebs early in the morning?

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for nothing but dust and cobwebs.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on nothing but dust and cobwebs.

How embarrassing! I forget I left nothing but dust and cobwebs in the foyer.

At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on nothing but dust and cobwebs.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 7 at 15:33 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
A tiny squid that lives in your pooper
n

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through a Tiny Squid That Lives in Your Pooper!

Come to find out a tiny squid that lives in your pooper was hiding in the shower while I was adding alcohol.

The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by a tiny squid that lives in your pooper, costing billions of dollars.

The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out a tiny squid that lives in your pooper.

Do they make pills for a tiny squid that lives in your pooper?

The best comfort food will always be greens, a tiny squid that lives in your pooper, and fried chicken.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 9 at 11:04 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
A tiny field mouse
n

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at a tiny field mouse.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a tiny field mouse and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Give me liberty or give me a tiny field mouse!

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a tiny field mouse killed as well.

Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with a tiny field mouse.

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot a tiny field mouse.




That time I broke my tailbone
n

Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover that time I broke my tailbone along the way.

I just dug up that time I broke my tailbone in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum!

The city council wants to cut down on that time I broke my tailbone after 8pm.

I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for that time I broke my tailbone.

My mom picked me up that time I broke my tailbone from the thrift shop. It was the last one!

Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get that time I broke my tailbone.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 9 at 20:18 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 9 at 20:19 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
Dominating the skies
v

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re dominating the skies, get to the front of the line.

Last night I dreamed of dominating the skies. Now to make it real.

The survey team detected dominating the skies at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and dominating the skies. There was a report.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in steady pumping to watch people dominating the skies.

In public restrooms, I’m always afraid someone will walk in, right while I’m dominating the skies.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 12 at 08:23 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 12 at 09:00 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
Becoming a father
v

Sorry, we can’t serve alcohol since the passing of The Becoming a Father Act.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like becoming a father.

How did I survive becoming a father? I ate my way out.

Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by becoming a father.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as becoming a father.

I saw two hobos fighting over 40,000°F plasma behind the library. One of them was becoming a father.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 12 at 09:01 PST
SuperJer
Websiteman

2005 Mar 20 • 6626
Shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured
v

Interested in my services? Mail me at: showing-mercy@shouting-you-re-making-a-huge-mistake-while-being-captured.biz

I dreamed I was back in school, late to class. You were there! But you were shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.

Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured and acquire a dog!

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured, a naturopathic remedy.

You wouldn’t think it, but during Prohibition many people were shouting “You’re making a huge mistake!” while being captured.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 12 at 10:07 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 12 at 10:07 PST
Nezumi
Asshole Admin

1-Up Medal
2005 Mar 26 • 778
175 ₧
A horny nightmare
n

Military scientists in Syria found traces of a horny nightmare in the soil.

Growing up we never had a horny nightmare, but we had love.

If we work together, we can finish a horny nightmare.

The most romantic thing ever? A horny nightmare, obviously.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded a horny nightmare and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

The whole story is a hoax! I have nothing to do with a horny nightmare!


 
 
 
2023 Feb 12 at 22:26 PST — Ed. 2023 Feb 12 at 22:26 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
My womb
n

Everyone who knows me, knows I love my womb.

Any man who can drive safely while kissing my womb is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Honey, you can’t keep putting my womb down the garbage disposal!

But I promised I would get my kids my womb for Christmas!

Working on my car I found my womb had crawled inside the engine block and died.

At LAX travelers were horrified to see my womb spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.




Womb
n

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like womb.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always womb. Always.

Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with womb.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then womb really affected me.

You can’t keep running around like womb, you’re going to put an eye out!

I’m not afraid of womb. In fact, it could be good for me.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 13 at 10:32 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
You can never catch up to  , bitch.

You can never catch up to mercury poisoning, bitch.

You can never catch up to 5 officers who were shot, bitch.

You can never catch up to a time machine, bitch.

You can never catch up to earwax, bitch.

You can never catch up to a protective layer of rubber, bitch.

You can never catch up to a mafia hitman, bitch.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 13 at 18:33 PST
aaronjer
*****'n Admin

Comrade General 5-Star
2005 Mar 21 • 4935
1,227 ₧
Cuddling with dad
v

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with cuddling with dad.

Look, man, I’m not into cuddling with dad. But $20 is $20.

The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized cuddling with dad.

I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me cuddling with dad at the party last night.

I went rafting, saw cuddling with dad in the river, no big deal.

Happiness: Cuddling with dad, an elite Korean hacker, and floss.


 
 
 
2023 Feb 14 at 00:53 PST