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Giving spiderman a blow job Don’t look at me while I’m Giving spiderman a blow job! It messes me up!
On the assembly line we heat a blood transfusion to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is Giving spiderman a blow job.
I clean all the food by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up Giving spiderman a blow job.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for Giving spiderman a blow job”
Slender and muscled, like hot lava. She was the spitting image of Giving spiderman a blow job.
Watch me Giving spiderman a blow job. Now watch me spinning blades.
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2019 Jun 30 at 02:39 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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My spirit animal: a bathtub to die in.
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still a bathtub to die in!
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for a bathtub to die in.
A bathtub to die in is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for a bathtub to die in.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep a bathtub to die in out of mainland China.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2019 Jul 2 at 23:49 UTC
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Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a digital asset at a player from the stands.
A digital asset from the Ohio county fair to be destroyed due to infection.
I don’t think that even comes close to being a digital asset.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a digital asset. Would you like to try our new special, a little lesbian boy?
Aron Ralston was trapped under a divorce for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off a digital asset!
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include diddling, a digital asset, dry mouth, and my feelings.
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2019 Jul 5 at 20:26 UTC
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Flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane Throughout human history, flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane has been the first activity of explorers of any new region.
Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane.
15% of married men say they’ve cheated by flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane with another woman.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in furry children. That’s supposed to help me with flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane?!
No more flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane at Starbucks.
After Lincoln was shot, flying on Jeffrey Epstein’s pedo plane briefly became the next president.
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2019 Jul 8 at 21:42 UTC
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In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving . In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving shitty chairs from IKEA®.
In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving rolling eyes.
In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving stainless steel plating.
In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving trying to handcuff a ghost.
In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving all creation.
In Disneyland's Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving kevlar underwear.
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2019 Jul 9 at 00:01 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Jul 9 at 00:04 UTC
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Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of shaved bears. Half the country is doing nothing.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep doing nothing out of mainland China.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be doing nothing.
My publisher demanded I remove doing nothing from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be doing nothing and where does a screaming dog come in?
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into screaming, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start doing nothing.
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2019 Jul 9 at 00:34 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Jul 9 at 00:34 UTC
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Falling in love with a computer I want to say one word to you, just one word: falling in love with a computer.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had falling in love with a computer removed so she can live a normal life.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed falling in love with a computer.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was falling in love with a computer.
When I saw the Dutch oven I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, falling in love with a computer, I freaked!
If falling in love with a computer were in the Olympics, Canada would be in great shape!
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2019 Jul 9 at 17:23 UTC
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Removing shards of glass in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift anything on the face of this earth over my head, but removing shards of glass got in the way.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began removing shards of glass.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in removing shards of glass.
The only thing standing in your way is removing shards of glass.
I got so drunk last night that I got removing shards of glass all over everyone and everything.
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2019 Jul 9 at 17:23 UTC
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I'm shipping myself in {s} box! I'm shipping myself in the song of my people box!
I'm shipping myself in a robustly satisfying fart box!
I'm shipping myself in the girl next door box!
I'm shipping myself in my golden goose box!
I'm shipping myself in the death simulator box!
I'm shipping myself in “that feeling” box!
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2019 Jul 12 at 17:44 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Jul 12 at 17:48 UTC
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Let flailing host your next party, providing zero sex toys like you’ve never experienced before.
In a world with zero sex toys handling my mother, one man must overcome extremely poor judgment. Coming this summer.
I accidentally dropped zero sex toys in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.
I looked up “unladylike musculature” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving zero sex toys.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in zero sex toys.
The Internet is made out of zero sex toys.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly {v}. Local church ousts pastor after allegedly pooping for four hours a day.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly having peed.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly getting your cock in a twist.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly quitting Facebook.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly screaming again.
Local church ousts pastor after allegedly literally shivering me timbers.
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2019 Jul 12 at 20:39 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 22 at 02:20 UTC
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It was awful, in the middle of intimate time, the hotel staff came out onto the bed.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “the hotel staff,” over and over again while in use.
Ever since the hotel staff appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while making it weird.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a sleepy kitty and acquire the hotel staff!
The city council wants to cut down on the hotel staff. Meanwhile people are freely being in a state of total ecstasy!
At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like the hotel staff and can be used for peeing in the sink.
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2019 Jul 16 at 18:42 UTC
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The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: A Turkish wedding, 2x the meat! and an automated turret.
I prayed to God for 2x the meat!, and God delivered!
They cut open the crocodile to find 2x the meat!, still holding hands like always.
At the new Asian-inspired restaurant downtown, the chef will prepare 2x the meat! right at your table.
How embarrassing! I forget I left 2x the meat! in the foyer.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with 2x the meat!.
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2019 Jul 16 at 23:29 UTC
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Killing a guy in a bathroom Pundits agree it will take killing a guy in a bathroom for the senator to win the election.
Men, like a huge mountain, go farthest when they are killing a guy in a bathroom.
I saw empty space down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be killing a guy in a bathroom with us.”
Last night I dreamed of killing a guy in a bathroom. I cannot shake the feeling that fist pumping will arrive soon.
I don’t think that even comes close to being killing a guy in a bathroom.
Ever since scary men appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while killing a guy in a bathroom.
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2019 Jul 17 at 01:06 UTC
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Getting revenge on Frank Sinatra CAUTION: Keep outrageous fortune out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks getting revenge on Frank Sinatra.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how getting revenge on Frank Sinatra happens.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate getting revenge on Frank Sinatra to prepare for a mission to mars.
Your attempt to get little Susie what’s-her-name drunk on lime vodka ended with getting revenge on Frank Sinatra.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find getting revenge on Frank Sinatra so relaxing.
Getting revenge on Frank Sinatra has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
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2019 Jul 19 at 23:10 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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They said the meat sweats was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of the meat sweats!
Here on the assembly line we heat the meat sweats to a steaming, bright cherry red, and this next machine over here is moving and talking at the same time.
Exploding from both ends with the meat sweats is a uniquely British problem.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of the meat sweats.
Going straight to hell is a temporary setback on the road to the meat sweats!
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate the meat sweats.
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2019 Jul 25 at 03:02 UTC
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Tagliette is a former police officer accused of {v}, according to court records. Tagliette is a former police officer accused of getting a face full of crotch, according to court records.
Tagliette is a former police officer accused of inhaling, according to court records.
Tagliette is a former police officer accused of scissoring, according to court records.
Tagliette is a former police officer accused of shotgunning, according to court records.
Tagliette is a former police officer accused of beeping, according to court records.
Tagliette is a former police officer accused of killing myself, rather than being disgraced, according to court records.
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2019 Jul 25 at 20:40 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Jul 25 at 21:54 UTC
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I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle doing better.
R Kelly fantasizes about doing better with a young Beyonce.
I like Japanese people because you can never tell if they are exploding from both ends or doing better
First you get a death sentence. Then you get an old, Asian martial arts master. Then you get doing better.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit doing better and acquire the inside!
I saw gases and smoke down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be doing better with us.”
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2019 Jul 30 at 17:29 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting t-boned in space and making it weird at the assembly line.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for getting t-boned in space”
I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with getting t-boned in space.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “getting t-boned in space,” with a picture of the greatest mistake of my life.
This workplace has gone (0) days without getting t-boned in space.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw getting t-boned in space for the first time!
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2019 Aug 4 at 07:39 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 4 at 07:40 UTC
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My life's theme song goes: / / My life's theme song goes: masturbating to pictures of dead animals / being killed in the Spanish civil war / racial superiority
My life's theme song goes: an automated turret / resting bitch face / hatred for children
My life's theme song goes: sweating, groaning and screaming / being unfit to even live / just falling out of my bung hole
My life's theme song goes: stubby fingers / sneaking into the sultan’s harem / feeling fat and sassy
My life's theme song goes: a giant eraser / irresponsible parenting / eight sexual partners
My life's theme song goes: your idiot ideas / a gaggle of nuns / my golden goose
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2019 Aug 5 at 18:12 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 11 at 03:41 UTC
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I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me an additional whale.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s an additional whale.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw an additional whale in.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get an additional whale removed from her and a special little fuck removed from me.
My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s a hole, with a crack in the sky around the edges, and an additional whale on top.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start boiling water before an additional whale.
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2019 Aug 6 at 02:47 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 7 at 23:01 UTC
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Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on {n}. Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on baby Jesus.
Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on the “fun” stuff.
Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on maximum bitch mode.
Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on girl problems.
Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on dinosaurs.
Environmental tip: Save paper towels by wiping your hands on baby eels.
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2019 Aug 9 at 17:30 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 9 at 17:36 UTC
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Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw horse.
We need more black cards! Maybe another one about horse, but with a genital louse!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was horse.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “horse” incident in the science lab.
The TSA has made new rules mandating horse on every commercial flight.
Growing up we never had a gushing bloody nose, but we had to deal with horse, and I want the opposite for my children.
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2019 Aug 9 at 17:36 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 9 at 17:37 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy . World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy a carefully contained fart.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy self-inflicted wounds.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy a humiliated animal.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy killing Kim Jong-un.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy an exploding car.
World War III will be started by an extremist dictator who wants to destroy Disneyland!.
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2019 Aug 17 at 02:25 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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Cosmetic surgeons hate this! My psychic death beam can increase your breast size in three weeks!
The sign at the fountain says not to throw my psychic death beam in.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock my psychic death beam and sharp claws in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for my psychic death beam”
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began my psychic death beam.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an old hornet and my psychic death beam.
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2019 Aug 21 at 17:26 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 21 at 17:27 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 817
175 ₧
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Quote: Sometimes I wish I could just lock my psychic death beam and sharp claws in a room and let ‘em fight it out.
This is some for real goth poetry.
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2019 Aug 21 at 17:27 UTC
— Ed. 2019 Aug 21 at 17:28 UTC
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