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We finally hired a guy at work to take care of being physically removed. I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like being physically removed. At my full potential, I’m being physically removed. In a world with no rules, one man must be physically removed. Coming this summer. It started out as drinks with friends and ended with being physically removed. Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and be physically removed. |
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Aug 13 at 08:15 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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Not sure which reads better:
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of My Bloody Ankle Stumps. Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for my bloody ankle stumps. Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re my bloody ankle stumps. Doctor! My son must have my bloody ankle stumps! Just look at him! The cruiseliner struck my bloody ankle stumps and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers stranded. These snails have evolved to live underground without light or my bloody ankle stumps. Honey! Come downstairs! My bloody leg stumps is ready! Interested in my services? Mail me at: an-elevator@my-bloody-leg-stumps.biz We didn’t have painkillers so we gave Steven my bloody leg stumps to bite down on while we dug the bullet out. The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of my bloody leg stumps. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with my bloody leg stumps! It’s all here in my manifesto! New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: My Bloody Leg Stumps Blast! |
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Aug 13 at 17:11 PDT
— Ed. Aug 13 at 18:25 PDT
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I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then an explosive red barrel really affected me. They didn’t have an explosive red barrel at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble. What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s an explosive red barrel. My dream is to build an explosive red barrel for me and my wife. Life without love is like an explosive red barrel without fruit. That bitch crossed me so I gave her an explosive red barrel. That’s the only way to say goodbye. |
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Aug 14 at 11:44 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had several sex workers killed as well. They said several sex workers was out of my league, but I’ve proven them wrong! I ordered several sex workers privately over the Internet so I can get better at my art. I feel great! I got several sex workers in my bloodstream. It’s time to powerwash the remains of several sex workers off the driveway. In the third world, luxuries like several sex workers are an alien concept. |
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Aug 14 at 23:09 PDT
— Ed. Aug 15 at 00:46 PDT
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Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a debit card for kids and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends. Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A debit card for kids and apple slices. The people next door are sick! I hear they use a debit card for kids as a toilet. I’m getting a debit card for kids installed in my car, so I can be comfortable while I drive. Joe Arpaio infamously put prisoners in a chain gang with a debit card for kids between every two. “Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get a debit card for kids up the stairs. |
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Aug 15 at 14:04 PDT
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An aging gay prescription drug abuser The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “an aging gay prescription drug abuser.” I will do anything for an aging gay prescription drug abuser. But I won’t do that! Eventually, the Soviets solved the problem by pouring concrete over an aging gay prescription drug abuser. At my full potential, I’m an aging gay prescription drug abuser. Always hold on to an aging gay prescription drug abuser to remember me. I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of an Aging Gay Prescription Drug Abuser. |
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Aug 18 at 14:27 PDT
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Getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean I’ve been diagnosed with getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean. YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean. The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean. There’s always time for getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean before breakfast. Are you there God? It’s me, getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with getting pulled to the bottom of the ocean! It’s all here in my manifesto! |
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Aug 18 at 14:31 PDT
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My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put smoked rope sausage in the pillows. Everything I need to live on a desert island: Smoked rope sausage. Pool rules: No running. No diving. No smoked rope sausage. In the bathroom at the mall I dropped smoked rope sausage in the toilet. Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about smoked rope sausage! Come on down to Golden Corral™ for smoked rope sausage. |
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Aug 18 at 19:42 PDT
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Drinking out of the dog water This year’s hottest new fashion is drinking out of the dog water on your head. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from drinking out of the dog water. If we work together, we can finish drinking out of the dog water. Everyone knows Houdini for being good at escapes. But he was GREAT at drinking out of the dog water. A squealing 4-year-old drinking out of the dog water. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? The most romantic thing ever? Drinking out of the dog water, obviously. |
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Aug 23 at 15:30 PDT
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Them city folk, they ain’t gonna be happy about T-posing while peeing! Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like T-posing while peeing. My spirit animal: T-posing while peeing. T-posing while peeing? I got all dressed up for T-posing while peeing? I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be T-posing while peeing with us.” Interested in my services? Mail me at: t-posing-while-peeing@killing-all-men.biz |
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Aug 23 at 21:38 PDT
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My cousin made up some black cards on the spot. Gonna test them with our white cards.
As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me {scv} As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me stretching my husband’s anus As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me sudden nudity As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me getting milked As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me dying evil As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me so much beef As the sun rose, a shadow could be seen of me a vagina-simulating sleeve The dog barked and ran away, because I was {scv} The dog barked and ran away, because I was another man The dog barked and ran away, because I was a snake pit The dog barked and ran away, because I was a prybar The dog barked and ran away, because I was complete removal of the head The dog barked and ran away, because I was fornicating all day, every day The dog barked and ran away, because I was a muffled yell |
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Aug 23 at 21:56 PDT
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At Home Depot they have this new all-in-one tool that’s shaped like a rake for getting my sins absolved. I got suspended from Twitter for tweeting that “a slot was getting my sins absolved.” I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into getting my sins absolved, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove. It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by getting my sins absolved. Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for getting my sins absolved. I’m late to my meeting for getting my sins absolved. |
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Aug 25 at 19:47 PDT
— Ed. Aug 25 at 19:48 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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A platonic piggy-back ride They didn’t have a platonic piggy-back ride at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble. Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a platonic piggy-back ride. Can’t go out because of the bad cop on your face? Ask your dermatologist if Zal-a-platonic-piggy-back-ride-cor is right for you. I’m late to my meeting for a platonic piggy-back ride. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix’s new show has people spotting a platonic piggy-back ride around town. According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch a platonic piggy-back ride. |
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Sep 11 at 21:35 PDT
— Ed. Sep 11 at 21:36 PDT
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Michael Jackson's other glove I need to talk to someone because Michael Jackson's other glove just makes a whistling noise. Chimps in the wild have been observed using Michael Jackson's other glove to forage for food. Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with Michael Jackson's other glove! It’s all here in my manifesto! Men, like a difficult Canadian, go farthest when they are Michael Jackson's other glove. Mortally wounded by three shots to his abdomen, the Secret Service agent returned fire, killing the assassin with Michael Jackson's other glove. When I saw Michael Jackson's other glove I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, making a little whoopsie, I freaked! |
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Sep 22 at 11:46 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Your disfigured younger sister I like your disfigured younger sister like I like my coffee: breaking a promise. The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy a wondrous, splendifirous little thing, and you get your disfigured younger sister as a sign up bonus. My wife wears your disfigured younger sister after Labor Day because audacity is always in style. Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider your disfigured younger sister. Crap! I’ve gone and clogged the vacuum hose with your disfigured younger sister. In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy your disfigured younger sister from dispensaries. |
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Oct 5 at 18:23 PDT
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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The battle-hardened sphincter I was vacuuming when I sucked the battle-hardened sphincter out from under the couch. “Rotate left!” I yelled as my brother and I tried to get the battle-hardened sphincter up the stairs. Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about the battle-hardened sphincter? Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you the battle-hardened sphincter. The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the battle-hardened sphincter” incident in the science lab. I wasn’t always black... there was the battle-hardened sphincter, and it got bigger and bigger.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Oct 7 at 07:24 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes onto the International Space Station. It wasn’t in the movie, but they had a lot of 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes on the Titanic. That weird tree in the backyard had started growing 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes. Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes in his lap. Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes. These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to wear it and where does 4-1/2 pounds of unpeeled green-skinned potatoes come in? |
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Oct 7 at 16:34 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Significantly less ants after yesterday No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in significantly less ants after yesterday! If you pour it right, a frothy layer of significantly less ants after yesterday will form on top of your beer. Scorpions can shed significantly less ants after yesterday in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus. The fire raged out of control because the firemen’s hoses got caught around significantly less ants after yesterday. I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide significantly less ants after yesterday directly. They finally found Amelia Earnhardt’s bones. They were in significantly less ants after yesterday. |
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Oct 12 at 09:11 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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More than 3 pounds of blood The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of more than 3 pounds of blood. Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover more than 3 pounds of blood along the way. I’m in the prime of my life. I’m young, hot, and full of more than 3 pounds of blood. Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “more than 3 pounds of blood,” with a picture of a dolphin. I woke up with more than 3 pounds of blood lying on me. While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on more than 3 pounds of blood. I found him fucking animals. |
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Oct 15 at 20:36 PDT
— Ed. Oct 15 at 20:37 PDT
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Two best friends and an adorable alien take a road trip, and discover humanoid hashbrowns along the way. I clean humanoid hashbrowns by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up being pickled. Throw humanoid hashbrowns at your enemies to distract them. If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be humanoid hashbrowns. Humanoid hashbrowns saved is humanoid hashbrowns earned. I eat humanoid hashbrowns like you for breakfast.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Oct 28 at 15:59 PDT
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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During my driving test, I backed my car into thick and healthy hair. I still got an 85! I accidentally dropped thick and healthy hair in the urinal at the Jeep dealership. Chase bank is giving out thick and healthy hair this week if you open an account and put $100 in it. Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with thick and healthy hair jumping and nipping at me from below. Doctor! My son must have thick and healthy hair! Just look at him! In the bathroom at the mall I dropped thick and healthy hair in the toilet.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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Oct 29 at 18:27 PDT
— Ed. Oct 29 at 18:27 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Individually packaged liters of rooster sperm Went to Uwajimaya, bought individually packaged liters of rooster sperm, dried and in a bag. Wanna try? I talked to God and there will be individually packaged liters of rooster sperm in the apocalypse. Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: individually packaged liters of rooster sperm. The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow Individually Packaged Liters of Rooster Sperm? At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride individually packaged liters of rooster sperm. The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of individually packaged liters of rooster sperm. |
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Oct 30 at 16:35 PDT
— Ed. Oct 30 at 16:36 PDT
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Chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car I’m not afraid of chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car. In fact, it could be good for me. The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car. Charlie Rose has been fired after reportedly chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car dozens of times. Chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a sexual encounter. Chimps in the wild have been observed using chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car to forage for food. Our secret society is dedicated to chasing a squirrel into the street and getting hit by a car. |
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Nov 18 at 15:47 PST
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Whoopsie! I forgot {n} in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot cranberry sauce or juice in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot teens who vape in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot godless heathens in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot the men who helped me in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot Grandma’s ghost in the car! Whoopsie! I forgot what I’ve done in the car! |
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Nov 18 at 23:25 PST
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My deeply held pagan beliefs Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with my deeply held pagan beliefs. During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize my deeply held pagan beliefs. The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and my deeply held pagan beliefs. I got my deeply held pagan beliefs at the adult toy store 10% of all proceeds will go to The My Deeply Held Pagan Beliefs Foundation. Daddy, what’s my deeply held pagan beliefs? The kids at school say it about you and laugh. |
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Nov 20 at 19:50 PST
— Ed. Nov 20 at 19:50 PST
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