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Glue-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
Always hold on to glue to remember me.
The main ingredient in glue is a protective layer of rubber.
My spirit animal: glue.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for glue?
a roll of toilet paper is where glue goes to die.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:09 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 22 at 15:10 PST
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What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to a wet towel.
Let a wet towel host your next party, providing at least 10 pounds of pork like you’ve never experienced before.
Back in my day, we only had no evidence of any infidelity for a wet towel and we LIKED IT.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a wet towel, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
I’m shoving an Easy-Bake™ oven in the ground, in hopes that a wet towel comes and harvests it.
A wet towel can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:11 PST
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Four damp towels on the floor I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide four damp towels on the floor directly.
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw four damp towels on the floor overboard!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “A Total Fucking Mess” and it helps me with four damp towels on the floor.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me four damp towels on the floor and it’s getting weird.
While you’re at the store can you pick up four damp towels on the floor, in family size?
Ah, four damp towels on the floor for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:11 PST
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A mannequin in a power stance You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a mannequin in a power stance together.
When I think South America, I feel a mannequin in a power stance.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! A mannequin in a power stance can increase your breast size in three weeks!
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a mannequin in a power stance.
I pushed hard enough to snap a mannequin in a power stance, but some powerful kind of beard stroking was blocking the door.
Oh no! Mom sold a mannequin in a power stance at the charity shop!
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:13 PST
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“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s things money can’t buy in love with a 15-foot starfish very much they do a... special hug.”
Making the best cookies requires a 15-foot starfish and spreading disease.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as a 15-foot starfish surfaced from below.
This party was a real snooze, until a 15-foot starfish got things jumpin’.
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a 15-foot starfish.
See now black people walk like zoo smell. But white people -- white people walk like they’re a 15-foot starfish!
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:13 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 22 at 15:13 PST
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The band hadn’t started playing when the stage effect with the sun went off early, ejecting turkey bacon into the air!
In Nevada you can pay for a lady struggling with a police officer with turkey bacon.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like turkey bacon.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of turkey bacon and the words “a menacing spike”. I don’t get it!
You stole a crazy cat lady from a child? You’re turkey bacon and you’re going to hell!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide turkey bacon directly.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:21 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 22 at 15:25 PST
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My wife printed me a certifcate for little sausage crumbles. I’m excited for tonight!
I pushed hard enough to snap little sausage crumbles, but some powerful kind of overzealous product placement was blocking the door.
People around the world recognize little sausage crumbles as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found little sausage crumbles in the walls at my office.
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was little sausage crumbles.
No one in Morocco can be little sausage crumbles without registering with the government.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:26 PST
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Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called balls caught in the car window, are the passages for the little chocolates to flow.
Authorities were tallying damage from the little chocolates that struck southern California Friday evening.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider the little chocolates.
Look, man, I’m not into the little chocolates. But $20 is $20.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use deals to treat the little chocolates!
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into a loading screen, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start the little chocolates.
Forgotten broccoli in the fridge Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had various fluids destroyed and forgotten broccoli in the fridge killed as well.
But of the tree of forgotten broccoli in the fridge you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Getting HUGE; a mushroom; forgotten broccoli in the fridge.
I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of forgotten broccoli in the fridge came on the screen.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like forgotten broccoli in the fridge.
You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as forgotten broccoli in the fridge.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:28 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 22 at 15:32 PST
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In the third world, luxuries like puppy smiles are an alien concept.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about puppy smiles.
Everything I need to live on a desert island: Your comfort zone with puppy smiles.
Let’s wait for one of every drug to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get puppy smiles.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride the instructions. It made me feel like I was puppy smiles.
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into puppy smiles before force-feeding a bird.
Working on my car I found the last onion ring had crawled inside the engine block and died.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw the last onion ring for the first time!
The last onion ring really messes up my butt complexion!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as the last onion ring surfaced from below.
I make hog dander for my cat by getting tickled until you bust a nut with the last onion ring. Oreo loves it!
For my last meal I want booze seasoned lightly with the last onion ring.
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2019 Jan 22 at 15:36 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Do we already have something like this (I'm not sure which is funnier, squirting ink and then running subverts expectations, but swimming might be better in the larger context of the whole black card)
Squirting ink and running away I ordered lower standards privately over the Internet so I can get better at squirting ink and running away.
Although moving away from squirting ink and running away proved effective for schools, the switch to Satan’s latest abomination initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am a wank. Would you like to try our new special, squirting ink and running away?
Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of very depraved porn. She has stated, “I prefer squirting ink and running away.”
Squirting ink and running away! Squirting ink and running away! My kingdom for squirting ink and running away!
If you do it right, shotgunning is all about squirting ink and running away.
Squirting ink and swimming away Help! I’m squirting ink and swimming away and I need YOU to do something about it!
I never expected to be fingered by squirting ink and swimming away.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Squirting ink and swimming away.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a tickle and squirting ink and swimming away. Should I talk to him?
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk squirting ink and swimming away.
Squirting ink and swimming away really messes up my butt complexion!
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2019 Jan 22 at 23:53 PST
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First you get gay shit. Then you get crashing into the moon. Then you get multiple cameras.
A 2008 study of Movile’s only snail found that it has been crashing into the moon. The snail may have escaped the king and his family by going underground.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into crashing into the moon, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start glittery eyelashes.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me crashing into the moon at the party last night.
If you have a dream about a girl’s smile, it means you’re worried about crashing into the moon.
What the googly eyes department lacks in selection, we make up for in crashing into the moon.
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2019 Jan 23 at 15:12 PST
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Monopoly: Extremely Poor Judgment Edition comes with a venus flytrap and your name instead of houses and hotels.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find a venus flytrap.
A venus flytrap can wear down my mom teaching sex ed, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
I love your necklace! It’s a venus flytrap, right?
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, resting bitch face, sloth, wrath, a venus flytrap, and pride.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the president’s daughter and a strange boy who fights a venus flytrap.
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2019 Jan 23 at 15:13 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 23 at 15:16 PST
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I tried to sneak out of the store with an angry penis for the woman under one arm and a cup of acid down my pants.
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried a cup of acid.
Happiness: Electric sex, a uniquely British problem, and a cup of acid.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in a cup of acid, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
When I think South America, I feel a cup of acid.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for a cup of acid.
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2019 Jan 23 at 15:17 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 23 at 15:22 PST
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In the escape room we had to figure out {n}. We tried and it worked! In the escape room we had to figure out several children. We tried accusations and it worked!
In the escape room we had to figure out my DMs. We tried deliberately standing in front of a cannon and it worked!
In the escape room we had to figure out a big, heavy shotgun. We tried the bitter cold and it worked!
In the escape room we had to figure out overzealous product placement. We tried innocent women and children and it worked!
In the escape room we had to figure out the sound of someone sipping soup. We tried my womanly virtue and it worked!
In the escape room we had to figure out a woman’s ankles. We tried vibrating my pineal gland and it worked!
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2019 Jan 23 at 16:59 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 23 at 17:01 PST
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Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore an escalator in a very realistic way.
Daddy, what’s an escalator? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is an escalator.
During the war, German scientists experimented with side effects to weaponize an escalator.
Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with an escalator. So bring a big ol’ fruit.
Lonely guys in Japan can buy an escalator that sounds like a girl and will even go to bed with them.
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2019 Jan 23 at 17:30 PST
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The media’s nonstop coverage of other sex criminals is just to distract us from catching one in the bum.
The authorities followed the trail of other sex criminals, leading them straight to the suspect.
My publisher demanded I remove other sex criminals from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
This land is other sex criminals land, this land is being slathered in baby oil land.
I think a lot of people would pay to see other sex criminals.
Making the best cookies requires a wet spot and other sex criminals.
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2019 Jan 24 at 10:42 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 24 at 10:42 PST
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Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's {v}. Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's screwing with pants on.
Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's flailing.
Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's mistreating the clitoris.
Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's choking bitches.
Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's scissoring.
Starbucks has a new cup that looks like it's putting up with you.
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2019 Jan 24 at 13:55 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 24 at 13:56 PST
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I got at the adult toy store I got sliding up the walls, twitching and shrieking at the adult toy store
I got being ashamed of your nakedness at the adult toy store
I got 60 seconds at the adult toy store
I got violent death at the adult toy store
I got putting up with you at the adult toy store
I got Princess Perfect at the adult toy store
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2019 Jan 24 at 13:57 PST
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Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with the FBI Director hanging in the window.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of the FBI Director.
Ah, the FBI Director for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
At Boeing R&D, we test the FBI Director by subjecting it to goat porn and blasts of energy.
The FBI Director produces an egg which, for one month, must stay under a rough testicle to keep warm.
When the beef came at me it was like the FBI Director.
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2019 Jan 24 at 16:36 PST
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Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush {n} down the toilet. Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush all the bacon down the toilet.
Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush its opposite down the toilet.
Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush divorce papers down the toilet.
Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush accidental suicide down the toilet.
Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush imaginary friend, Captain Howdy down the toilet.
Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush a screaming dog down the toilet.
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2019 Jan 25 at 12:03 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 25 at 12:03 PST
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Everybody was in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru. Everybody was birth meat in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
Everybody was popping out of the ground in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
Everybody was irresponsible parenting in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
Everybody was turning into a white woman in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
Everybody was an angry penis for the woman in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
Everybody was $200 worth of Taco Bell™ in front of me in the McDonald's drive thru.
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2019 Jan 25 at 15:59 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 25 at 16:00 PST
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In Thailand you can get at McDonald's! In Thailand you can get freshly squozen poo water at McDonald's!
In Thailand you can get Teddy Roosevelt’s giant fossilized face at McDonald's!
In Thailand you can get expectorating some sludge at McDonald's!
In Thailand you can get little traps at McDonald's!
In Thailand you can get all the food at McDonald's!
In Thailand you can get cuddling at McDonald's!
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2019 Jan 25 at 16:00 PST
— Ed. 2019 Jan 25 at 16:01 PST
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Who will be the winner?
Every part of the foreskin 3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of just a bit of cocaine and a Fedex full of Every part of the foreskin.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw Every part of the foreskin for the first time!
Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking Every part of the foreskin onto the International Space Station.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed Every part of the foreskin up and down the highway.
Apparently, “Every Part of the Foreskin” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as Every part of the foreskin, score points by seizing the means of production, and you and me shall not be on the field.
Are you there God? It’s me, Just a bit of foreskin.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw Just a bit of foreskin.
When Just a bit of foreskin is ready, cosmetic surgery for my cat will appear.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s Just a bit of foreskin and I think I believe her!
During the half-time show, a rip in Just a bit of foreskin exposed a dream to the audience.
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got Just a bit of foreskin before every meeting.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re The foreskin, get to the front of the line.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of The Foreskin”! I shook his hand and it felt like The foreskin.
Howdy neighbor, love The foreskin! Let’s get child-bearing hips sometime!
To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need The foreskin and too much wiggling.
The survey team detected whatEVER at the work site so I threw The foreskin in my truck and drove straight there.
I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will tickle The foreskin.
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2019 Jan 26 at 19:17 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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A crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves.
Lot’s of people drive down to Portland for a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves and to avoid filling my mouth.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves straddled by freewill.
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves, would you be a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves as well?”
In the third world, luxuries like a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves are an alien concept.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use a crazy strong robot with the brain of Keanu Reeves to treat a bottle of urine!
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2019 Jan 29 at 22:32 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Ok, but maybe more realistically
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw a crazy strong robot overboard!
While I was out the Roomba got into a crazy strong robot and was stretching it till it rips.
My publisher demanded I remove a crazy strong robot from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
You spent all your food-stamps on a crazy strong robot?!
A crazy strong robot is the only way to say goodbye.
The only thing standing in your way is a crazy strong robot.
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2019 Jan 29 at 22:33 PST
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