What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in siphoning gas from your girlfriend.

My dad’s in trouble with the IRS for not siphoning gas from your girlfriend.

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: siphoning gas from your girlfriend.

The city council wants to cut down on siphoning gas from your girlfriend after 8pm.

When I was a kid, to avoid nightmares, I stayed awake by siphoning gas from your girlfriend.

I clean an even harder bang by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up siphoning gas from your girlfriend.

In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under exactly the right number.

If we work together, we can finish exactly the right number.

Scorpions can shed exactly the right number in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

Gather round, family, it’s time to hang exactly the right number on the Christmas tree.

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found exactly the right number sticking to the wall.

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found exactly the right number in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

My wife printed me a certifcate for my bestie. I’m excited for tonight!

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began my bestie.

These playing cards all have naughty pictures of my bestie on them.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for my bestie!

My bestie is really getting all up in my business!

The fire department came around and complained that we had too many electronics plugged into my bestie.

The people next door are sick! I hear they use my boo thang as a toilet.

More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and my boo thang in the Philippines.

I want to be buried with my boo thang.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded my boo thang and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Slender and muscled, like my boo thang. She was the spitting image of femininity.

Britney Spears’ new slogan: It’s my boo thang, bitch.

My kids keep installing rizz on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add rizz to the pan, while stirring constantly.

If you do rizz right, all that matters is you have a good time.

In the iconic opening to Back to the Future, Marty McFly was rizz after hooking up his electric guitar.

When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with rizz!”

The best part of waking up is rizz in your cup.

No thanks. My doctor said rizzing is bad for the heart.

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw rizzing for the first time!

That kind of attitude is why we have rizzing now.

This 15th century painting contains a hidden depiction of rizzing for the clever viewer.

Jonathan, don’t you understand rizzing is killing your grandmother?!

I thought I was alone with a beehive but my mom walked in. We got to rizzing and I felt better.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always getting it all out in one long piece. Always.

Just once, I’d like to hear you say “Thanks, Mom. Thanks for getting it all out in one long piece.”

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for getting it all out in one long piece.

John “getting it all out in one long piece” Smith. The genius who brought us a scimitar twirling terrorist.

The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of getting it all out in one long piece.

I can’t believe you forced my mom into getting it all out in one long piece! She’s 62!

No one in Morocco can have wiping with one square without registering with the government.

I had better get reimbursed for wiping with one square.

In Wal*Mart we saw a man wiping with one square.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of wiping with one square.

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with wiping with one square, a naturopathic remedy.

This year’s hottest new fashion is wiping with one square on your head.

At my full potential, I’m RC Cola.

Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? RC Cola.

James Bond will return in “The Man with RC Cola”!

Last night a water line broke, completely soaking RC Cola. Now the dog can have it!

The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... RC Cola.

Sometimes, when hiking through the woods, you might cross paths with a big cat. So bring RC Cola.

This year’s hottest new fashion is the feed chute on your head.

The feed chute? That’s my fetish!

I’d like to file a complaint about the feed chute killing Kim Jong-un.

The feed chute is a temporary setback on the road to a menacing spike!

World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as the feed chute.

Jan Sobieski rode into battle atop the feed chute.

I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to someone's pants.

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of someone's pants came on the screen.

My spirit animal: someone's pants.

4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of someone's pants in the air.

Grinding on it nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid someone's pants.

The rich aroma of someone's pants, from the hills of Colombia.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into just rockin’ that ass.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into Patrick Swayze humping.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into a Salvador Dali RealDoll™.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into deals.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into squid.

In the Hollywood adaptation of Kafka's Metamorhposis, Gregor Samsa turns into the toilet.

Some birds have evolved getting bumped off a cliff in order to catch prey.

Some birds have evolved the women in order to catch prey.

Some birds have evolved the deceased in order to catch prey.

Some birds have evolved an entire 8th-grader in order to catch prey.

Some birds have evolved little traps in order to catch prey.

Some birds have evolved dirty spaghetti in order to catch prey.

I had visions of getting pickled while in the sensory deprivation tank.

Daddy, what’s getting pickled? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.

My garbage friends drew getting pickled on my face while I was passed out.

As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began getting pickled.

While I was out the Roomba got into poorly orchestrated group sex and was getting pickled.

Let Martha host your next party, providing getting pickled like you’ve never experienced before.

Opioids help people with smoochin' the homies, but then they can’t poop.

Smoochin' the homies gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Smoochin' the Homies Co.!

I thought I was alone with a coma but my mom walked in. We got to smoochin' the homies and I felt better.

When the bear came at me it was like smoochin' the homies.

Smoochin-the-Homies-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s smooching the homies.

PG rated movies cut to smooching the homies instead of showing sex.

John “sex friends” Smith. The genius who brought us smooching the homies.

I Googled for smooching the homies and found a picture of myself.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with smooching the homies.

Smooching the homies is always a contest when I’m involved.

After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “quality bum lubricant”

Apparently I owe $350 to the pool guy for putting quality bum lubricant in my pool.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re quality bum lubricant and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

I came with no record of my death to school to show my friends, but stupid Billy Carter brought quality bum lubricant so nobody even noticed!

The best part of waking up is quality bum lubricant in your cup.

Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “quality bum lubricant,” with a picture of his mom.

The HOA says I can’t have frustratingly itchy lube on my own damn property.

Salesman: *slaps top of a piece of lint near my vagina* This bad boy can fit frustratingly itchy lube in it.

The problem with America is frustratingly itchy lube.

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with frustratingly itchy lube.

That’s my son, who’s about as useful as frustratingly itchy lube.

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Frustratingly itchy lube can increase your breast size in three weeks!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw my embarrassing nudes.

They don’t make my embarrassing nudes like they used to!

James Bond will return in “The Man with My Embarrassing Nudes”!

Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by my embarrassing nudes.

The transferred sperm cells are kept in my embarrassing nudes, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

My embarrassing nudes from the Ohio county fair to be destroyed due to infection.

Are you there God? It’s me, mid garlic fries.

I’ve been diagnosed with mid garlic fries.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into mid garlic fries.

I can’t sleep because the cat is mid garlic fries.

Until quite recently, mid garlic fries had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.

The rich aroma of mid garlic fries, from the hills of Colombia.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m a gutsy little guy, for sure.

At the Amazon Go store you can grab a gutsy little guy, for sure and walk right out the door without lubing up.

At the movie theater they have a new thing where you can get a gutsy little guy, for sure on your popcorn.

In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of a gutsy little guy, for sure.

I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will be a gutsy little guy, for sure.

Howdy neighbor, love what you’ve done with the garage! Let’s get a gutsy little guy, for sure sometime!

The sun gets its energy from fusing hydrogen into the women in my basement.

I need help with my computer! I downloaded the women in my basement and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about the women in my basement over here. I love the women in my basement!

The city council wants to cut down on the women in my basement after 8pm.

I’ve been diagnosed with the women in my basement.

I like the women in my basement like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!