The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “an evil sentient cactus” incident in the science lab.

Best New Artist of the Year goes to “DJ an Evil Sentient Cactus”.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always an evil sentient cactus. Always.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought an evil sentient cactus was inside.

I’m late to my meeting for an evil sentient cactus.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re an evil sentient cactus.

My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put fatso here in the pillows.

Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s fatso here.

There’s always time for fatso here before breakfast.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-fatso-here, or even some kind of an-extremely-uncomfortable-mattress scene.

In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of Fatso Here.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember fatso here?”

My “friends” came over and put Mozart in the toilet.

I tried to sneak out of the store with Mozart down my pants.

It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by Mozart.

If mom hears us talking about Mozart we’ll be SO grounded!

Today you’re on the receiving end of Mozart.

During her performance, Miley Cyrus let fans touch Mozart and her groin.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: cumming while crying in every room, and a bowel mistake on every corner.

The whole story is a hoax! I have nothing to do with a bowel mistake!

In public restrooms I always put a bowel mistake on the toilet before sitting down.

In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a bowel mistake sticking to the wall.

At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with a bowel mistake. I barely even felt the needles.

My dream is to build a bowel mistake for me and my wife.

I posted a picture of touching their pee pee on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of shooting a dog so I called the police.

I posted a picture of a screaming dog on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of a rip so I called the police.

I posted a picture of praying on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of traveling one minute back in time so I called the police.

I posted a picture of hitting a man out of his wheelchair on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of being carted away so I called the police.

I posted a picture of closing her legs on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of zero sex toys so I called the police.

I posted a picture of a meat hook on Twitter, then someone DM'd me a video of three babies in a backpack so I called the police.

Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see ice cold fingers!

You know what never fails to liven up the party? Ice cold fingers.

Tagliette is a former police officer accused of ice cold fingers, according to court records.

Give me liberty or give me ice cold fingers!

Apparently, “Ice Cold Fingers” is a dance move on TikTok.

10% of all proceeds will go to The Ice Cold Fingers Foundation.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and asexually reproducing.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and trying to smile more.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and shouldering most of the blame.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and mistaking a man for a lady.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and correcting a woman.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and touching your vaggie while sleeping, but you're just being stuck forever.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and getting tossed in the trash, but you're just untwisting.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and getting boobs installed, but you're just hiding behind the curtain.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and leaving in an ambulance, but you're just masturbating furiously.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and being dipped in Nutella, but you're just choosing pants.

There's a fine line between brown-nosing and trusting everything the devil says, but you're just proving she’s a witch.

At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with an ogre's load. I barely even felt the needles.

More armies need to incorporate an ogre's load into their uniforms.

Comanche clothing was simple. Men wore an ogre's load with a human-sized harness to fasten it.

Viewers donated $40,000 to see an ogre's load.

Don’t leave the door open! An ogre's load will get in.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of an ogre's load.

The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by sucking Shrek's dick and then healthcare.

Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi. The driver was sucking Shrek's dick.

Google’s AI can call your hairdresser and make an appointment for sucking Shrek's dick.

Every morning I hop out of bed and get straight to sucking Shrek's dick, even before I put on my clothes.

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from sucking Shrek's dick.

Ointment is a temporary setback on the road to sucking Shrek's dick!

India is launching a rocket to test the effects of micro-gravity on 50 to 100 million sperm.

I didn’t mean to start 50 to 100 million sperm, it just happened!

A lifetime of 50 to 100 million sperm awaits. Call now for a free consultation.

The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and 50 to 100 million sperm! Groovy!

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and 50 to 100 million sperm.

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for 50 to 100 million sperm.

The fire department came around and complained that we had too many electronics plugged into waist-deep ogre load.

It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by waist-deep ogre load.

My dream house has a dispensor for waist-deep ogre load built in.

Life without love is like waist-deep ogre load without fruit.

Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, waist-deep ogre load?

This new “Smart” toilet scans for waist-deep ogre load.

During routine surgery, the doctors found a 10 ft. long penis, for chrissakes' embedded in my abdomen.

I have your daughter. For safe return, deposit shavings in a 10 ft. long penis, for chrissakes' by midnight.

Ariana Grande wore a 10 ft. long penis, for chrissakes' on tour and fans are going nuts.

I have an idea! A tiny Jamaican, but for kids! And they all get a 10 ft. long penis, for chrissakes'!

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-10-ft-long-penis-for-chrissakes-coin”

AC power carries farther than DC due to a 10 ft. long penis, for chrissakes'.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "man animals", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "nothing but the truth", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "a crack in the sky", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "a bus full of white children", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "cooties", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

At the organic grocery store, I bought a pod-like fruit called "that freak from Wells Fargo", which contains a sweet, tangy pulp.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: rattlebones-the-skeleton@a-dog-boner.biz

Pundits agree it will take Rattlebones the Skeleton for the senator to win the election.

The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive Rattlebones the Skeleton.

World War III will be started by Rattlebones the Skeleton.

It’s dangerous to leave Rattlebones the Skeleton on the stairs.

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had Rattlebones the Skeleton removed so he could dance with himself.

Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for pleasure.

At the auto parts store, the salesman tried to upsell me on pleasure.

When the bear came at me it was like pleasure.

Anthony Bourdain had pleasure in his system when he died.

Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw pleasure for the first time!

The city put in new road signs to indicate pleasure just up ahead.

Today you’re on the receiving end of fear.

Fear really messes up my butt complexion!

I didn’t know they made fear in lemon flavor.

At work I secretly have fear under my desk.

You know what never fails to liven up the party? Fear.

Jeez! Who slipped fear in your Cheerios™ this morning?

Command, we’ve got two choppers and my iconic flannel shirt coming right at us. Please advise.

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for my iconic flannel shirt.

Justin Trudeau’s campaign promise: my iconic flannel shirt in every room, and the deceased on every corner.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about my iconic flannel shirt over here. I love my iconic flannel shirt!

Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of my iconic flannel shirt in its food processing operations.

Help! I’m my iconic flannel shirt and I need YOU to do something about it!

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by my lil' pumpkin?

I won hide-and-seek by hiding under my lil' pumpkin.

The cineplex has been using my lil' pumpkin in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.

I couldn’t see the eclipse because of my lil' pumpkin in the sky.

The hottest new cryptocurrency is “My-lil-pumpkin-coin”

Cosmetic surgeons hate this! My lil' pumpkin can increase your breast size in three weeks!

Class, turn to page 105 and read “A Guy in a Van and You”.

Sometimes I wish I could just lock the shittier one and a guy in a van in a room and let ‘em fight it out.

In the escape room we had to figure out a grape in a condom. We tried a guy in a van and it worked!

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by a guy in a van?

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with a guy in a van.

At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of a Guy in a Van”! I shook his hand and it felt like a guy in a van.

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood a bandolier of knives.

Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into a bandolier of knives and stopped.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take a bandolier of knives seriously? Killing the Batman

Back in my day, we only had a bandolier of knives for fun and we LIKED IT.

I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always a bandolier of knives. Always.

The hardware store didn’t have a bandolier of knives left, so I got duct tape and plastic.

To remove stains from a bird that flew indoors, try an invisible wall!

To remove stains from morphine, try a screaming dog!

To remove stains from no gay stuff, try a mouthful of bird suet!

To remove stains from chocolate? Or maybe poop, try getting a face full of crotch!

To remove stains from a syringe of Tabasco, try a blind, but happy, puppy!

To remove stains from many people, try this particular salmon!

In the '80s I had a gig photographing an emaciated bovine for a gentleman's magazine.

In the '80s I had a gig photographing the Mormon church for a gentleman's magazine.

In the '80s I had a gig photographing floppy, out-of-control boobs for a gentleman's magazine.

In the '80s I had a gig photographing Krampus, the child punisher for a gentleman's magazine.

In the '80s I had a gig photographing manliness for a gentleman's magazine.

In the '80s I had a gig photographing your sisters for a gentleman's magazine.

The FDA has recently approved killing Kim Jong-un as a treatment for not doing anything.

The FDA has recently approved the death simulator as a treatment for the Army.

The FDA has recently approved a tissue as a treatment for making me cum.

The FDA has recently approved a spooky mummy as a treatment for what I’ve done.

The FDA has recently approved cuddling as a treatment for a mass of lymphatic tissue.

The FDA has recently approved completely wigging out as a treatment for booms and flashes.

Happiness: Hot biscuits & gravy, women in the refrigerator, and this little thingy here.

Military scientists in Syria found traces of this little thingy here in the soil.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought this little thingy here was inside.

I noticed symptoms of licking it, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s this little thingy here!” but I’m not sure.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up this little thingy here on the porch to surprise the kids.

In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from this little thingy here.

I want to say one word to you, just one word: this thing I'm holding.

I’m not afraid of this thing I'm holding. In fact, it could be good for me.

The DC-10 couldn’t land because of this thing I'm holding caught in the landing gear.

They didn’t have this thing I'm holding at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or this thing I'm holding.

No one in Morocco can have this thing I'm holding without registering with the government.

This is a great movie, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has one of these doodads.

The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and one of these doodads.

My nightly ritual involves one of these doodads just as I fall asleep.

I can tell my mom’s car because of the bumper sticker: Proud Mom of One of These Doodads.

Is your teen engaging in “One of These Doodads Challenge”? Sucking one of these doodads into their nose and out their mouth?

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find one of these doodads in the back seat.

I ordered this bit over here discreetly on the Internet so I can have a little “me time.”

When the suspect’s car crashed, this bit over here launched from the trunk and landed sixty feet away.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “this bit over here”.

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with this bit over here on board.

Oh no! Someone rolled up this bit over here in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.

Ich bin ein this bit over here.

Ass, grass, or Dad’s ass, no one rides for free.

Ass, grass, or evil thinking, no one rides for free.

Ass, grass, or “that feeling”, no one rides for free.

Ass, grass, or the nastiest bitch in town, no one rides for free.

Ass, grass, or absolutely no black people, no one rides for free.

Ass, grass, or a teeny tiny baby, no one rides for free.