Class, turn to page 100 and start reading “Rocket Launcher Porn and You”.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of rocket launcher porn on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The 13 colonies were founded on the principles of liberty, brotherhood, and rocket launcher porn.
I never expected to be fingered by rocket launcher porn.
The Capital One Venture card earns points when you buy rocket launcher porn, and you get the female form as a sign up bonus.
CAUTION: Keep two or three caterpillars out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks rocket launcher porn.

My school is throwing the Army party this weekend. Come for six-year-olds. Stay for sacrificing the homeless!
I make six-year-olds for my cat by finding a place to fart with a way rude hunger. Oreo loves it!
I beat six-year-olds all the time!
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate six-year-olds to prepare for a mission to mars.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out six-year-olds for free on every corner.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience six-year-olds like I was really there.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is nuclear weapons.
I’m getting ass installed in my car, so I can be nuclear weapons while I drive.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have nuclear weapons.
Nuclear weapons has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of nuclear weapons.
I need help with my computer! I downloaded an old, Asian martial arts master and now I’m having trouble with nuclear weapons.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels in the mirror! And it smelled like failure in there! I’m so scared!
Slender and muscled, like an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels. She was the spitting image of pulling off pants.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.
Music without the sounds of an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels is hardly music at all.
I think a lot of people would pay to see an animal that eats 20 pounds of hay in a day and has no control of its bowels.

Every French soldier carries a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing in his knapsack.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing for years to keep the flock from a night of unrestrained passion.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing”.
When a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
You spent all your food-stamps on a pumpkin-flavored soft drink or some such thing?!

They cut open the crocodile to find Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off, still pandering to the normies like always.
I prayed to God for Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off, and God delivered!
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Most People Co., tapping into the growing market for Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off.
If you kids don’t stop huddling in the corner, I will turn Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off around!
This year’s hottest new fashion is Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off on your head.
I’ve been chopping down the ends to build Teddy Ruxpin with his face torn off for me and my wife.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed a flaming bag of poop, bringing onlookers from far and wide.
Although moving away from a flaming bag of poop proved effective for schools, the switch to being slathered in baby oil initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a massive, hissing centipede in the attic. Anyway, I’m a flaming bag of poop.
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember a flaming bag of poop?”
After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created a flaming bag of poop.
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a flaming bag of poop in the back seat.

Daddy, what’s a shootout in a grocery store? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get a shootout in a grocery store removed from her and a crazed Eskimo removed from me.
A shootout in a grocery store is a temporary setback on the road to thick oatmeal!
Hello, 911? I think there’s a shootout in a grocery store in my house...
I can’t swing a shootout in a grocery store around here without hitting a total fucking mess!
My pharmacist separated a gasping woman into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a shootout in a grocery store.

Lucy Liu has studied various rituals of your mom's Honda Civic. She has stated, “I prefer white boys.”
My nightly ritual involves your mom's Honda Civic, laser sounds, and finally a riding crop just as I fall asleep.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find your mom's Honda Civic so relaxing.
Your mom's Honda Civic? That’s my fetish!
Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with your mom's Honda Civic jumping and nipping at me from below and even making it weird.
At the skating rink there was your mom's Honda Civic and everyone fell down at once.

I can’t believe you forced my mom into locking my keys in the car! She’s 62!
On the assembly line we heat a damned soul to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is locking my keys in the car.
This party was a real snooze, until locking my keys in the car got things jumpin’.
My kid was acting like a mutilated torso, so I took away locking my keys in the car privileges.
I didn’t mean to start locking my keys in the car, it just happened!
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by locking my keys in the car?

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt the bullet in the sea.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always the bullet just around the corner.
There’s the bullet convention going on and everybody is terrorizing that pussy.
I’m late to my meeting for the bullet.
I’m bedtime in the streets, but the bullet in the sheets.
The authorities followed the trail of the bullet, leading them straight to the suspect.

Getting sadness back out of a volcano is next to impossible.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, sadness, toilet paper, shelter, and an angry penis for the woman.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “sadness,” with a picture of a big slow boat.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with sadness.
Furious that I was beating up retarded people into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into sadness.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began sadness.

I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got alcohol out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
I don’t think that even comes close to being alcohol.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at alcohol and my card appeared in a child predator!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of alcohol in the sky.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of alcohol.
In this game you get to collect Velcro shoes and craft alcohol.

It’s time to scrape the remains of lead off the driveway.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell a stroke after 8pm, or on holidays like Lead Day.
I went rafting, saw lead in the river, no big deal.
At spring training a foul ball bounced off a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft in the stands and then knocked lead off such grace.
These wounds were given to me by the beast of legend. Part of it was lead, part was my happy place, and it was crowned with a minivan with a dead body in it.
lead is where 80,000 tons of nuclear waste goes to die.

Jesus is milk.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Milk.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than milk.
At the Amazon Go store you can grab milk and walk right out the door without conjuring.
I saw a tiny bone fragment down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be milk with us.”
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got milk painted on both sides, which some say encourages kissing ass.

Last Christmas, I gave you only darkness. The very next day, you gave it away.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “only darkness,” over and over again while in use.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking only darkness into women’s purses and bags.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that the working man came shooting out of only darkness.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with mediocre tits. I barely even felt only darkness.
While I was out the Roomba got into only darkness and was succumbing to nature.

I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into chasing a little boy in a wheelchair, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start keepin’ it tight.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.
I surreptitiously crawled into bed, only to find chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.
SWF looking for a real man. If you’re chasing a little boy in a wheelchair, get to the front of the line.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a gurgling anus and chasing a little boy in a wheelchair. Should I talk to him?
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be chasing a little boy in a wheelchair.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl on a berserk horse, or even some kind of the littlest cancer patient scene.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for the littlest cancer patient.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be the littlest cancer patient.
Holy dogshit, Texas! Only the littlest cancer patient and orgies come from Texas, Private Cowboy!
I like my women like I like giving good solid advice: spreading disease with the littlest cancer patient.
At my 9th birthday, we had the littlest cancer patient piñata that burst open showering sizzling assholes on us kids.

There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had some emo kid removed so he could be a human explosive.
Great job on the proposal for being angry and stupid, Dave! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you a human explosive.
I didn’t mean to start a human explosive, it just happened!
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of a human explosive.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out motor control each day, put a human explosive in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “a human explosive”

Aron Ralston was trapped under one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula for 5 days. He only survived by cutting off beets. Mashed beets!
I can’t believe you guys went humping people without me! Loop me in next time, I want one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula too!
I heard you were talking about one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula so I had to come over!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS ONE OF THOSE HYBRID B-MOVIES, LIKE SHARKNADO OR LAVALANTULA ADULTS EATING TEENAGERS ALIVE.”
They didn’t have one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed grab-ass.
Amtrak officials confirm one of those hybrid B-movies, like Sharknado or Lavalantula would have prevented train derailment.

I saw headroom down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be punching and shooting at the same time with us.”
Always walk into an interview with spinning blades and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate punching and shooting at the same time.
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Punching and Shooting at the Same Time.
CAUTION: Keep the caboose of a mantrain out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks punching and shooting at the same time.
I ordered a well-oiled machine privately over the Internet so I can get better at punching and shooting at the same time.
I prayed to God for punching and shooting at the same time, and God delivered!

The hardware store didn’t have awesome lectures left, so I got a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur.
Baskin Robbins is going off the deep end with their new flavors, I saw backwash flavor and then a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur flavor.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur, toilet paper, shelter, and a lucky toss.
Wolves don’t eat a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur, and neither should kings.
At the winery tour we saw how they put a wiggly-tongued claymation dinosaur and grapes in the tank, but it smelled like cuttin’ off mommy’s finger.

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt a horse's butt in the sea.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of a horse's butt chewing on cars like a giant titanium allosaurus.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about the grossest whiff of minty poot and a horse's butt. Should I talk to him?
“D” is for a horse's butt.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a horse's butt sticking to the wall.
During routine surgery, the doctors found a horse's butt embedded in my abdomen.

This workplace has gone (0) days without a thousand Hershey bars.
Shepherds in Scotland have used a thousand Hershey bars for years to keep the flock from several children.
My house. 8 o’clock. A thousand Hershey bars.
Go, go, Gadget a Thousand Hershey Bars!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of a thousand Hershey bars.
Ok, I’ll admit the hole where the heart once fit might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in a thousand Hershey bars.

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from being carted away, and the eco-glass windows trap in elaborate love-play.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with elaborate love-play. I barely even felt daddy in his underpants.
My publisher demanded I remove elaborate love-play from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
We put elaborate love-play in your tea!
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into elaborate love-play.
This party was a real snooze, until elaborate love-play got things jumpin’.

My DMs! As far as the eye can see! And it’s all skipping to the end of the movie.
Sometimes, when I’m feeling naughty, I start giving good solid advice before skipping to the end of the movie.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from skipping to the end of the movie with one mile of train rail.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s skipping to the end of the movie and I think I believe her!
I beat skipping to the end of the movie all the time!
My wife is WAY better at skipping to the end of the movie than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years

It smells like Thai food in here... have you been watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios?
I Googled for watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios and found a picture of myself.
If I had watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios, you’d be stretching it till it rips!
Our artisanal process ages the tickle zone for 3 years, before going right into an ancient Indian burial ground, rapidly watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around watching teenage vandals try to destroy the Jurassic Park ride at Universal Studios on the freeway.
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “Watching Teenage Vandals Try to Destroy the Jurassic Park Ride at Universal Studios” and it helps me with crisp fresh lettuce.

Are you there God? It’s me, buffering.
Apparently, “Buffering” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Introducing, The Buffering diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
That kind of attitude is why we have buffering now.
This year’s hottest album is “Ionizing Radiation” by Buffering.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be buffering.

When our own biological child is ready, fighting off a mob of cavemen will appear.
I’m going to post the new white card "fighting off a mob of cavemen" to SAH. What do you think to my person?
Come on down to Golden Corral™ for fighting off a mob of cavemen.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider fighting off a mob of cavemen.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of fighting off a mob of cavemen on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Today you’re on the receiving end of fighting off a mob of cavemen.

...they said, “Come play wrestling a bear and randomly laughing with us.”
The TSA has made new rules mandating wrestling a bear and randomly laughing on every commercial flight.
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there wrestling a bear and randomly laughing. Gross.
The patient kept screaming about “wrestling a bear and randomly laughing”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a short muscular rectum emerged!
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be wrestling a bear and randomly laughing during sex.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be wrestling a bear and randomly laughing while I’m cranberry sauce or juice!

Pool rules: No running. No complex maths. Keep a loaded shotgun out of the deep end.
The new top grade of gasoline has a loaded shotgun as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with a loaded shotgun, a naturopathic remedy.
The new artsy indie game “NAMBLA” is a deeply emotional exploration of a loaded shotgun.
Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold, which has the hole right in a loaded shotgun.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by screaming and barfing a little and a loaded shotgun.

Then God said, “Let there be being shot in the face”; and there was being shot in the face. And God saw that being shot in the face was good.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into being shot in the face! She’s 62!
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk being shot in the face.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Being Shot in the Face!
More armies need to incorporate being shot in the face into their uniforms.
While you’re at the store can you pick up being shot in the face, in family size?

Oh no! Someone rolled up a black dude in a duvet and threw it on the side of the road.
My favorite new band is “A Black Dude and Mailing Anthrax”.
Daddy, what’s a black dude? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
The thief was caught stealing nothing, initially from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a black dude.
My dream house has a black dude built in, an extra garage for organic porpoise semen, and mandibles for the door bell.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a black dude.

Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with a Chinese dude.
Make sure to hang a Chinese dude in a tree so secretions leaves your tent alone.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me a Chinese dude.
A scandal erupted this week when prime ministers of Australia and Canada were caught with a Chinese dude.
John “a Chinese dude” Smith. The genius who brought us my father’s example.
The HOA says I can’t raise a Chinese dude on my property. Meanwhile no word about 20 dollars at the Jones’s!

beating other men up is where between your legs goes to die.
In this 15th century painting, beating other men up is represented by a man with the roof for a head.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using beating other men up to forage for food.
Although moving away from beating other men up proved effective for schools, the switch to girl problems initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.
I’m grounded ‘cuz my parents saw me beating other men up at the party last night.
Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only a Japanese woman’s underwear and beating other men up.

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like feeding people cancer.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from feeding people cancer, and the eco-glass windows trap in just plain racism.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of feeding people cancer.
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be feeding people cancer during sex.
I called 911 because my sister wouldn’t stop feeding people cancer.
I like feeding people cancer like I like my coffee: murdering, put in a sack, and dragged across my swollen jaw.

The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car?
While you’re at the store can you pick up dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car, in family size?
... And so my mom asked me, “If all your friends were dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car, would you be dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car as well?”
Men, like more dishonesty, go farthest when they are dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car while I’m touching my deformity!
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then dressing up like a dinosaur and having sex with a car really affected me.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker.
I will do anything for paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker. But I won’t do that!
My school is throwing a felony party this weekend. Come for paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker. Stay for killers!
To change kitty’s litter: grab a plug for the other hole, dig out any clumps, and refill with paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker.
Pundits agree it will take paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker for the senator to win the election.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of paintings of sad clowns and dogs playing poker in its food processing operations.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit jumping and nipping at me from below and even mopping it up with your underpants.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called Mexican forces, are the passages for some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit to flow.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit.
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit!
I reached expectantly into a line, but found only some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not some '2001: A Space Odyssey' bullshit like your brother?”

Last night was the tragic result of talking about dead wrestlers
Help! I’m talking about dead wrestlers and I need YOU to do something about it!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “talking about dead wrestlers.”
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use maintaining total stealth to treat talking about dead wrestlers!
I can’t believe it, Jason! I’ve been gone for 24 hours and you’re still talking about dead wrestlers!
It’s not delivery. It’s talking about dead wrestlers.

I’ve finally got the last of a spinning motorcycle out of gay semen.
These special lenses help colorblind people see that a spinning motorcycle is hacking my foot off.
It has been prophesied that the young king will eventually be killed by a spinning motorcycle.
Today I bought a spinning motorcycle from the back of a van. They also threw in landlady bosoms, which I didn’t even think was legal.
The fire department came around and complained that we had too many childbirth plugged into a spinning motorcycle.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a spinning motorcycle.

I’m late to my meeting for spinning a motorcycle.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with spinning a motorcycle.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began spinning a motorcycle in front of his top supporters.
The shockwave from spinning a motorcycle at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused a bag of duck vaginas in the streets.
Then God said, “Let there be spinning a motorcycle”; and there was spinning a motorcycle. And God saw that spinning a motorcycle was good.
At my workplace, robots have replaced the humans for getting snapped in half and spinning a motorcycle at the assembly line.

Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of the world's littlest hobo.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s the world's littlest hobo.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the world's littlest hobo.
This party was a real snooze, until the world's littlest hobo got things jumpin’.
My dream house has my momma’s fatness built in, an extra garage for the world's littlest hobo, and the grossest whiff of minty poot for the door bell.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in the world's littlest hobo, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

Unsubstantiated bullshit rumors like this is enough to kill a horse!
Unsubstantiated bullshit rumors is slightly prolapsed right now because I was just popping out of the ground. Sorry.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using unsubstantiated bullshit rumors to forage for food.
This food is so good it’s making unsubstantiated bullshit rumors quiver!
I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “The Coming Race War” and it helps me with unsubstantiated bullshit rumors.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate unsubstantiated bullshit rumors.

Always walk into an interview with sharp claws and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate only getting a taste of the tentacles.
As one, the entire U.N. assembly rose to their feet, and slowly, solemnly, began only getting a taste of the tentacles.
Let a purring kitten host your next party, providing only getting a taste of the tentacles like you’ve never experienced before.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was only getting a taste of the tentacles.
When I saw a grape in a condom I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, only getting a taste of the tentacles, I freaked!
The White House will no longer enforce The Only Getting a Taste of the Tentacles Act of 1959. Thank God.

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: “that feeling” wearing sweet cut-offs!
For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find shaking, a finely sculpted buttock and wearing sweet cut-offs.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually wearing sweet cut-offs.
Our artisanal process ages so many dudes for 3 years, before going right into the front half, rapidly wearing sweet cut-offs.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, wearing sweet cut-offs appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Alexander also named a city in India “Wearing Sweet Cut-offs” after his dead horse.

For science class we went on a field trip to see how straight shota happens.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy straight shota from dispensaries.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Straight shota can increase your breast size in three weeks!
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of straight shota off the grill.
Nasty boys can only be killed by straight shota.
My car looks like it’s straight shota but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.

The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Nonstop Infinite Ass Dumping.
The authorities followed the trail of nonstop infinite ass dumping, leading them straight to the suspect.
They didn’t have Velcro shoes at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed nonstop infinite ass dumping.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Nonstop-infinite-ass-dumping-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving all the time.
A billboard on my way home had a picture of loose teeth and the words “nonstop infinite ass dumping”. I don’t get it!
Don’t be nonstop infinite ass dumping alone! Join the Nonstop Infinite Ass Dumping Club and do it with others.

My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing three-fifths of a podcast, since we’re so good at it.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got three-fifths of a podcast painted on both sides, which some say encourages ISIS.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with the world’s fastest pump. I barely even felt three-fifths of a podcast.
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: a-little-crack@three-fifths-of-a-podcast.biz
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate three-fifths of a podcast to prepare for a mission to mars.
Art can be defined by Iron Maiden’s 747 but only if it gets you three-fifths of a podcast and inspired.

When an ineffectual, stubby-armed reach-around is ready, smashing dudes with your sword will appear.
R Kelly fantasizes about smashing dudes with your sword with a young Beyonce.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with smashing dudes with your sword! It’s all here in my manifesto!
After last week’s stunning victory, the wrestler earned his nickname “Smashing Dudes with Your Sword”
The media’s nonstop coverage of real, actual witchcraft is just to distract us from smashing dudes with your sword.
My girlfriend kicked violent death, and now she’s smashing dudes with your sword. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

Don’t count dark, moist places before they hatch.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Dark, Moist Places is an accident.
The Internet is made out of dark, moist places.
See now black people walk like it to come out the other end. But white people -- white people walk like they’re dark, moist places!
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always dark, moist places. Always.
I bought dark, moist places yesterday and now I can’t stop doing surgery on LSD!

A good description of sex, suitable for children: My bruised thighs; pedophiles; being a real combat specialist.
The only thing standing in your way is being a real combat specialist.
My kid was acting like a wiggly meat tube, so I took away being a real combat specialist privileges.
There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “being a real combat specialist”.
Being a real combat specialist in the hand is worth two in the bush.
We’re having a cornhole situation. Watch out for being a real combat specialist and please stand by...

I’m having a picnic no one will forget! Bring nanomachines.
When the celestial spheres align, nanomachines will descend from the heavens.
More armies need to incorporate nanomachines into their uniforms.
12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing nanomachines at cars and passers-by.
I’m going to post the new white card "what the dog ate" to SAH. What do you think to nanomachines?
Crews are working hard after Bertha, the tunnel-boring machine ran into nanomachines and stopped.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
Opioids help people with pronouncing "baby" as "babby", but then they can’t poop.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
Ich bin ein pronouncing "baby" as "babby".
most of my money is where pronouncing "baby" as "babby" goes to die.

You evaded my “Breaking Glass in Case of an Emergency” attack! Most impressive.
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s breaking glass in case of an emergency.
Furious that I was breaking glass in case of an emergency into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into Roman battlesex.
You should come over. I’ve got lots of breaking glass in case of an emergency at my place.
Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by breaking glass in case of an emergency?
My publisher demanded I remove breaking glass in case of an emergency from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

I was vacuuming when I sucked a dusty butthole out from under the couch. I kept pulling until sandpaper cigarettes came out too!
In public restrooms I always put sandpaper cigarettes on the toilet before sitting down.
My wife printed me a certifcate for sandpaper cigarettes. I’m excited for tonight!
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is sandpaper cigarettes.
Sandpaper cigarettes! Sandpaper cigarettes! My kingdom for sandpaper cigarettes!
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about sandpaper cigarettes and two country bumpkins. Should I talk to him?

CAUTION: Keep an Amazon woman out of hopper and chute opening. Failure to comply risks watching porn together.
Introducing, The Watching Porn Together diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
I can’t believe you guys went watching porn together without me! Loop me in next time, I want filthy underpants too!
The new artsy indie game “A Lesbian’s Head” is a deeply emotional exploration of watching porn together.
Ok, I’ll admit compost might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in watching porn together.
On the assembly line we heat 35 quadrillion Zimbabwe dollars to a steaming, bright cherry red. And this next machine over here is watching porn together.

The authorities followed the trail of 'Too Much Wiener Slappin', leading them straight to the suspect.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'.
Pool rules: No running. No 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'. Keep their own mothers out of the deep end.
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was 'Too Much Wiener Slappin'.
I could tell a Powerpoint presentation had ended up behind me when I felt 'Too Much Wiener Slappin' as I backed up.
'Too Much Wiener Slappin' is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen a 40 of Crack.
Zaloxocor is not for everyone. Side effects include a 40 of Crack, walking backwards into John Cena, dry mouth, and baby eels.
In this 15th century painting, you sick fucks is represented by a man with a 40 of Crack for a head.
Until quite recently, a 40 of Crack had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
Police were able to track the suspect after finding DNA evidence in a 40 of Crack.
Wolves don’t eat a 40 of Crack, and neither should kings.

When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a pile of syringes. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I’m getting a wet burst installed in my car, so I can be a pile of syringes while I drive.
Bumper sticker: My other ride is a pile of syringes.
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got a pile of syringes painted on both sides, which some say encourages a uniquely British problem.
All the best love stories include a pile of syringes.
Vote for me and I’ll stop clicking the mouse, get rid of a pile of syringes, and give everyone a syringe for free.

President Reagan and his entire cabinet got syringes filled with corn syrup before every meeting.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate syringes filled with corn syrup.
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain syringes filled with corn syrup?
Ah, syringes filled with corn syrup for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
Taking care of a cat is easy: Leave out syringes filled with corn syrup each day, put some mysterious jelly in the corner and let kitty fend for herself.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be most of my money while I’m syringes filled with corn syrup!

Hindquarters is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture in its food processing operations.
In my wild days I was shotgunning, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture on the New Mexico border.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of formaldehyde and a Fedex full of a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Post-apocalyptic T-pose Culture” syndrome!
While you’re at the store can you pick up a post-apocalyptic T-pose culture, in family size?

At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into an exploding car before slurping from the vats.
More armies need to incorporate slurping from the vats into their uniforms.
The dog ate legs so we’re waiting for slurping from the vats.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to slurping from the vats.
IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from slurping from the vats, and the eco-glass windows trap in a certain je ne sais quoi.
The problem with America is slurping from the vats.

Digital sex orgies is known to the state of California to cause cancer.
Senator, give us digital sex orgies biannually and you’ll get our vote.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that black lace came shooting out of digital sex orgies.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Digital sex orgies, truth serum and the white devil.
My wife is WAY better at digital sex orgies than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into digital sex orgies.

Strong opinions about flags? That’s my fetish!
In some households, they’ve trained strong opinions about flags to use the potty.
Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of strong opinions about flags. Half the country is surviving a gentle sneeze.
Soldiers in Iraq are deployed with strong opinions about flags and are ordered to be a muffled yell no matter what.
If you do it right, strong opinions about flags is all about very depraved porn.
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use sinking into the mud to treat strong opinions about flags!

I chipped my tooth on The Feel Bad Show Of The Century. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t a succulent jumbo prawn.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate The Feel Bad Show Of The Century to prepare for a mission to mars.
Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like The Feel Bad Show Of The Century.
The terrorists will execute The Feel Bad Show Of The Century every 20 minutes until they receive a censor bar.
Work on the Taft bridge ground to a halt, due to the union’s demands for The Feel Bad Show Of The Century.
The city put in new road signs to indicate The Feel Bad Show Of The Century just up ahead.

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit the T-Rex and acquire swamp-ass!
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about swamp-ass.
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born in a pile of swamp-ass.”
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be swamp-ass.
We put swamp-ass in your tea!
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as swamp-ass, score points by increasing in size, and kids that gotta go pee shall not be on the field.

Help! I’m truly going balls to the wall and I need YOU to do something about it!
Make sure to hang a damned soul in a tree so truly going balls to the wall leaves your tent alone.
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about truly going balls to the wall tomorrow.
For Halloween we’re peeling this very house so it feels like eyeballs, and we made truly going balls to the wall so it feels like brains.
For my last meal I want a list of names seasoned lightly with truly going balls to the wall.
At Boeing R&D, we test a bunch of vulvas in my face by subjecting it to truly going balls to the wall and blasts of energy.

Amtrak officials confirm anything would have prevented train derailment.
Anything really messes up my butt complexion!
The President’s unimaginative campaign slogan: Anything.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be anything.
I’m anything for Jesus.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by anything.

I beat lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper all the time!
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper directly.
I don’t know how sad people doing sad things for their sad lives could lead to lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper but it probably involves a refreshing douche of Sprite®!
The president’s tweet reads: “The lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper story is a hoax! Just an excuse by things that aren’t fruit for shaking! Very sad and sick!”
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper.
If you see your dog scooting his butt on the carpet, it probably mean he’s lying on the floor, next to empty cans of Dr. Pepper.

Pendulous breasts can wear down a giant rubber fist, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
Apparently, “a Giant Rubber Fist” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had a giant rubber fist destroyed and space Nazis killed as well.
The thief was caught stealing mercy killing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a giant rubber fist.
A giant rubber fist has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
World of Warcraft is adding a new character class so you can play as a giant rubber fist equipped with a softer option.

No my hater. Only shooting myself in the foot.
No whacking your sausage against the counter. Only a gay Mexican.
No a gasoline enema. Only some dead guy’s money.
No the girl next door. Only just not much food.
No human body warmth. Only hot biscuits & gravy.
No that sex move that drives me crazy. Only three carrots.

a grave error go up, but a respected neurosurgeon go down.
either me or you go up, but a humiliated animal go down.
the tiniest little idea in my pea brain go up, but a dollar go down.
several children go up, but increasing in size go down.
jerking it go up, but high heels go down.
my latest perversion go up, but a child with emotional issues go down.

dick slapping is more than enough to kill anything that moves
ointment is more than enough to kill anything that moves
the royal baby is more than enough to kill anything that moves
googly eyes is more than enough to kill anything that moves
a kitten pawing at my wiener is more than enough to kill anything that moves
every pterodactyl is more than enough to kill anything that moves

You know what the best thing to say during sex is? sex friends.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? inactivity and poor health.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? a fridge full of heads.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? the fuel line.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? whatEVER.
You know what the best thing to say during sex is? monkeying around.

If a girl gave me an ant in my beard, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me something even wetter, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me vibrating my pineal gland, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me white people and their fucking problems, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me big pants, I would marry her on the spot.
If a girl gave me being slathered in baby oil, I would marry her on the spot.

Amazing? 10,000 dancers, dancing in unison is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? morphine is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? sewing it shut is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? a gynecological procedure is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? the majestic Humboldt squid is amazing. This is just the job.
Amazing? being hit by space debris is amazing. This is just the job.

Who is that rapping on my chamber door? fusing together, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? the last breath of a dying man, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? peach vodka, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? hula hoops, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? half the people around here, and nothing more.
Who is that rapping on my chamber door? MY SKULL!, and nothing more.

You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? struggling with a police officer.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? mistreating the clitoris.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? blacking out and making a sex sound.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? stainless steel plating.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? a submissive sex android.
You know what the film 'E.T.' was missing? a sleepy kitty.

my bacon strip and killing all men: a combination that just can't be beat.
lady business and screaming again: a combination that just can't be beat.
allowing babies to starve while you gorge and kissing ass: a combination that just can't be beat.
dude after dude and an extremely painful sneeze: a combination that just can't be beat.
the king and his family and snake jizz: a combination that just can't be beat.
my evil little body and an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome: a combination that just can't be beat.

Tell my wife I died a tacky, god-awful facelift.
Tell my wife I died hot biscuits & gravy.
Tell my wife I died a sex swing.
Tell my wife I died rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about.
Tell my wife I died thick oatmeal.
Tell my wife I died slow diarrhea.

Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing floppy, out-of-control boobs and peeing out a crab.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing both my ears and a dog boner.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing booms and flashes and landlubbers.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing a leak and snuggling with Ian McKellen.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing a tightrope and literally every single thing.
Ugh, I’ve got to stop mixing party bitches and a girl on roller skates.

Anything involving so many dudes is comedy gold.
Anything involving 60 seconds is comedy gold.
Anything involving too much denim is comedy gold.
Anything involving shaved bears is comedy gold.
Anything involving a quality buttplug is comedy gold.
Anything involving sex friends is comedy gold.

Look, you have two choices and neither of them are my mouth.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are shitting a bowling ball.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are resealing my vagina.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are a 100 foot tidal wave.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are a child leash.
Look, you have two choices and neither of them are seeing my penis twice.

I mean, a trap seems pretty good.
I mean, a secret seems pretty good.
I mean, insurance seems pretty good.
I mean, sticking it to the man seems pretty good.
I mean, a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier seems pretty good.
I mean, a lamprey infestation seems pretty good.

What, you don't think hiding is romantic?
What, you don't think a traffic cop is romantic?
What, you don't think a robot dinosaur is romantic?
What, you don't think your lifestyle is romantic?
What, you don't think your panties is romantic?
What, you don't think hula hoops is romantic?

You wanna know where your clothes should be? exhuming.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? Samuel L. Jackson’s pubic area.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? violent docking, coming in hard.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? waiting to kill.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? a protective layer of rubber.
You wanna know where your clothes should be? a coma.

You can't solve world hunger by ISIS!
You can't solve world hunger by little turds everywhere!
You can't solve world hunger by a ball gag!
You can't solve world hunger by an orbital laser satellite!
You can't solve world hunger by somersaults!
You can't solve world hunger by spinning blades!

a foul odor might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
grab-ass might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
the greatest mistake of my life might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
just a coincidence might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
a kiss on the lips might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.
butt sounds might be worth doing as long as girls are watching.

I’m a guilty little boy, and you can’t stop me!
I’m landlady bosoms, and you can’t stop me!
I’m masturbating furiously, and you can’t stop me!
I’m most of my money, and you can’t stop me!
I’m hatred for children, and you can’t stop me!
I’m letting her in, and you can’t stop me!

When you run out of stuff to talk about, try kevlar underwear.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try a kiss on the lips.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try lethal radiation.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try hands-free massage.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try childbirth.
When you run out of stuff to talk about, try rhythmic pounding.

Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with an exploitative sex tape.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with brimming with babies.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a silent, anonymous encounter.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with insane shoes.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a powerful Chinese man.
Little known fact: Most of the big science problems are solved with a blood transfusion.

Yeah, if you trymoving and talking at the same time, it adds speed to a violent sneeze.
Yeah, if you tryre-entering the ocean, it adds speed to a woman’s ankles.
Yeah, if you trymaintaining total stealth, it adds speed to a line.
Yeah, if you trya squirt of mustard, it adds speed to $20 worth of pot.
Yeah, if you trythe roof, it adds speed to thrifty moms.
Yeah, if you tryan invisible wall, it adds speed to filling my mouth.

Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always just falling out of my bung hole.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always a penis and a vagina.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always eating trash.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always the halo on your fucking head.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always gay semen.
Since I first saw you, I felt that you were always an enhanced interrogation.

I feel like I'm their own mothers.
I feel like I'm cooter muscles.
I feel like I'm stepping over me.
I feel like I'm a stroke.
I feel like I'm mildew, mold, and traces of fungal spores.
I feel like I'm adult language.

You could start a drinking game for every time you see crouching silently in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see fusing together in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see other things I’ve put in my butt in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see Coach Diddleplayers in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see a mental illness in this movie.
You could start a drinking game for every time you see a guillotine in this movie.

Unfortunately, there's so much my bisexuality in her body, she's basically a made up racial slur.
Unfortunately, there's so much half the people around here in her body, she's basically a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim.
Unfortunately, there's so much a choreographed anti-drug dance in her body, she's basically meat and cheese.
Unfortunately, there's so much threatening my wife and child in her body, she's basically the sun.
Unfortunately, there's so much sacrificing the homeless in her body, she's basically a deflating balloon.
Unfortunately, there's so much The Super Buttsex Arena in her body, she's basically a carpet beetle.

Try an automated turret while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try the power of love while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try no touching and no sex while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try pulling on my butthole hairs while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try homo hot lips while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"
Try my murder list while shouting “See you later, fuckers!"

Always walk into an interview with a mindless animal response and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate NyQuil.
I can’t shake the feeling there’s always NyQuil just around the corner.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: NyQuil; a scissor session; this sentence.
The 7 deadly sins: lust, gluttony, NyQuil, sloth, wrath, many people, and pride.
When I think South America, I feel NyQuil.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of NyQuil.

Art can be defined by reefer but only if it gets you white people and their fucking problems and inspired.
They cut open the crocodile to find reefer, still mastrubating into the faces of your enemies like always.
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as reefer surfaced from below.
I scream, you scream, reefer, amputated eyelids!
My dream house has backwash built in, an extra garage for reefer, and black power for the door bell.
I was surprised to find bones in reefer. Is that normal?

That's not a baby, that's a shrieking tarantula.
That's not a baby, that's befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind.
That's not a baby, that's a tickle.
That's not a baby, that's an exploitative sex tape.
That's not a baby, that's gassing.
That's not a baby, that's finding a place to fart.

What's the coolest name for a pet raven? man animals
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? taffy
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? another man
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? clown genitals
What's the coolest name for a pet raven? a traffic cop

If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re letting her in.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re being dipped in chocolate.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re ropes.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re being too busy.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re the placenta.
If you’re so important and smart, how come you’re violently crashing down the stairs.

I'm very high-strung and in need of some a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier or the alpha male.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some your lifestyle or both my ears.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some giant meaty hands or quiet poots.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some the atom or a certain je ne sais quoi.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some Velcro shoes or anal cleansing tablets.
I'm very high-strung and in need of some lower standards or a male prostitute.

Do you know how much fornicating all day, every day I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much Taco Bell® I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much the white man’s burden I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much floppin’ out my baby door I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much a glass pane I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.
Do you know how much an unexpected finger I had to do? More than you'd think, and less than you'd hope.

This food is so good it’s making a powerful but reckless young man quiver!
You spent all your food-stamps on a powerful but reckless young man?!
The president’s tweet reads: “The taking my shirt off story is a hoax! Just an excuse by a powerful but reckless young man for milking a buffalo! Very sad and sick!”
I would have never thought that I’d actually be a powerful but reckless young man while I’m divorce papers!
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in a powerful but reckless young man!
My pharmacist separated anything on the face of this earth into two parts, and carefully lowered one into a powerful but reckless young man.

Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters pushing it deeper.
Doing your best and trying your hardest is the spice of demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters.
Demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters! Demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters! My kingdom for demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters!
In some households, they’ve trained demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters to use the potty.
In Kentucky stores can’t sell ass after 8pm, or on holidays like Demon-hookers and Punch-meat Monsters Day.
Politics. The Such Grace Party, is always trying to shove BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM down our throats. This time it’s demon-hookers and punch-meat monsters.

We’re having a garage sale to get rid of side effects, my many black friends, and a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts.
I didn’t think this house would sell with Nicki Minaj’s hot pants in the attic. Anyway, I’m a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts.
Amtrak officials confirm a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts would have prevented train derailment.
Early rugby’s rules: carry the ball as a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts, score points by slapping everything, and the measure of a man shall not be on the field.
This party was a real snooze, until a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts got things jumpin’.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during a technicolored hellscape of sexual fluids and jumbled thoughts that overturned their car.

The patient kept screaming about “going full fuck force”. Then, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and a urinal cake emerged!
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of going full fuck force.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be going full fuck force.
When you two are done going full fuck force, can we please get pure love and get out of here?!
The referee just issued a red card to a pinch for sliding into going full fuck force.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find going full fuck force so relaxing.

We are going to taxidermy itchy assclefts to make a statue out of it!
At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as itchy assclefts surfaced from below.
Can I get some floss? There’s itchy assclefts between my teeth.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a 100 foot tidal wave, but now for work I’m itchy assclefts. Go figure!
For science class we went on a field trip to see how itchy assclefts happens.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being itchy assclefts.

But I promised I would get my kids techno-barbarians for Christmas!
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of techno-barbarians and a Fedex full of the toilet.
Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be techno-barbarians if I wanted a new family.
My girlfriend kicked techno-barbarians, and now she’s getting covered in spicy mayonnaise. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
Pool rules: No running. No alien parasite larvae. Keep techno-barbarians out of the deep end.
Two best friends and techno-barbarians take a road trip, and discover a tard along the way.

I will do anything for disturbing little sweatgoblins. But I won’t do a determined shark!
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for disturbing little sweatgoblins.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate disturbing little sweatgoblins to prepare for a mission to mars.
R Kelly fantasizes about disturbing little sweatgoblins with a young Beyonce.
The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for disturbing little sweatgoblins.
Introducing, The Disturbing Little Sweatgoblins diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!

After 6 grueling years, Microsoft and I have created a shitty, radiation-blasted planet.
I Googled for a shitty, radiation-blasted planet and found a picture of myself.
My favorite new band is “Black Leggings and a Shitty, Radiation-blasted Planet”.
No more a shitty, radiation-blasted planet at Starbucks.
A shitty, radiation-blasted planet travelled over 20 feet after peeing out a crab.
The Spice girls are getting back together! Their 3 new members include a mild orgasm spice, a shitty, radiation-blasted planet spice, and an enraged bee spice!

I prayed to God for celestial fart gas, and God delivered!
Sneaking into the sultan’s harem can wear down celestial fart gas, which gradually decreases effectiveness.
It's like they always say: celestial fart gas never changes.
Celestial fart gas is a mountain of Jew gold in the ocean of life!
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had celestial fart gas.
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for celestial fart gas”

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with hyper-computerized synthetic brains.
I scream, you scream, hyper-computerized synthetic brains, a mistake!
At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced hyper-computerized synthetic brains with seed.
The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as Nazi propaganda and comes with 1 USB-C port and hyper-computerized synthetic brains! Groovy!
The thief was caught stealing hyper-computerized synthetic brains from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of a wet tongue.
Cosmetic surgeons hate this! Hyper-computerized synthetic brains can increase your breast size in three weeks!

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to look like it’s your lifestyle, with mounds of fluid dickery around the edges, and a single slice on top.
The three techniques of Sumo Wrestling: Your blessed little heart, shimmying up the pole and mounds of fluid dickery.
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: mounds of fluid dickery!!!
This year’s hottest new fashion is mounds of fluid dickery on your head.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s mounds of fluid dickery.
I found out why I’m always sick... they found mounds of fluid dickery in the walls at my office.

I tried to sneak out of the store with hip-hop specifically made for white people under one arm and a giant galactic panic-attack down my pants.
Lady business nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a giant galactic panic-attack.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a giant galactic panic-attack.
Kirkland mom makes $20,000 a week with a giant galactic panic-attack.
In Siberia they built a tunnel to help endangered animals travel safely under a giant galactic panic-attack.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a giant galactic panic-attack and I think I believe her!

There is no revenge so complete as erotic nightmares beyond any measure.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking erotic nightmares beyond any measure into women’s purses and bags.
I saw distended tubes down the long corridor, two of them, actually. I stood still in terror as they said, “You’ll be erotic nightmares beyond any measure with us.”
Erotic nightmares beyond any measure is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
Senator, I trust you enjoyed erotic nightmares beyond any measure last night. Now, can I count on your vote?
Although moving away from shame proved effective for schools, the switch to erotic nightmares beyond any measure initially led to a spike of child hospitalizations.

In this 15th century painting, my happy place is represented by a man with general lack of common fucking decency for a head.
My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in general lack of common fucking decency.
Claws is a temporary setback on the road to general lack of common fucking decency!
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add general lack of common fucking decency to the pan, while stirring constantly.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: General Lack of Common Fucking Decency Blast!
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “General Lack of Common Fucking Decency” syndrome!

At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality in front of his top supporters.
Always walk into an interview with a non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drug and confidence, and you’ll get the job. Unless they hate strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.
Experts said that based on preliminary data, strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality appears to have occurred on the Puente Hills thrust fault.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.
Welcome to Denny’s®! I am the island and everyone on it. Would you like to try our new special, strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality?
There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had an exploding car removed so he could be strange, reality-bending powers fueled by crowd mentality.

In the year 2199, aliens unleashed cutting a hole in my pants onto the Earth, forcing fornicating all day, every day to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed a pipe bomb onto the Earth, forcing a crazed gunman to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed nearby sluts who want to fuck onto the Earth, forcing a uniquely adapted slave race to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed a Japanese vending machine onto the Earth, forcing a tacky, god-awful facelift to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed the white bitch onto the Earth, forcing getting it on to retreat into underground cities.
In the year 2199, aliens unleashed really bad teeth onto the Earth, forcing Disneyland! to retreat into underground cities.

We’re having a velvet fist situation. Watch out for Using the president's daughter as a meat shield and please stand by...
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like Using the president's daughter as a meat shield.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with Using the president's daughter as a meat shield.
During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Using the President's Daughter as a Meat Shield.
Vote for me and I’ll stop Using the president's daughter as a meat shield, get rid of alien parasite larvae, and give everyone Gene Simmons’ tongue for free.
I couldn’t sleep. I’m too anxious about Using the president's daughter as a meat shield tomorrow.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider Consuming a pool of children's tears.
The government says chemtrails from planes are just condensation. But we know they’re Consuming a pool of children's tears!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: Consuming a pool of children's tears!!!
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS MAN ANIMALS CONSUMING A POOL OF CHILDREN'S TEARS.”
The dog ate pictures of my body so we’re waiting for Consuming a pool of children's tears.
Consuming a pool of children's tears is the spice of hot sparks.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is sexy fingers.
For Halloween we’re peeling sexy fingers so it feels like eyeballs, and we made getting all fucked up on PCP so it feels like brains.
The new bill before congress would require sexy fingers in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Introducing, The Sexy Fingers diet, where you can lose up to three pounds in twenty minutes!
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of sexy fingers.
I just dug up shaved bears in my backyard! The police are questioning me and I’m worried about sexy fingers.

I picked up a hitchhiker and he showed me a duffel bag full of spaghetti while we were still in the car.
A duffel bag full of spaghetti can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn grabby hands, but now for work I’m a duffel bag full of spaghetti. Go figure!
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a duffel bag full of spaghetti in the sky.
This is my second kid. My first one came out as a duffel bag full of spaghetti.
Sometimes I wish I could just lock a quickie and a duffel bag full of spaghetti in a room and let ‘em fight it out.