2848 A new mother abandoned stolen valor in the airport bathroom.

768 New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Stolen Valor Blast!

2332 I thought I was alone with stolen valor but my mom walked in. We got to throating and I felt better.

1435 We can be stolen valor. And no one has to know.

704 When he reached the New World, Cortés burned stolen valor. As a result, his men were well motivated.

2355 Introducing, The Stolen Valor diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.

The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: A Sex Brothel Spice!

Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with a sex brothel.

Always hold on to a sex brothel to remember me.

Driving late at night, I was horrified to find a sex brothel in the back seat.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-my-work, or even some kind of a-sex-brothel scene.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a sex brothel together.

Oh no! Mom sold they/them bussy at the charity shop!

Those hoodlums graffitied “they/them bussy” on my mailbox again.

For my last meal I want they/them bussy.

When I was bodybuilding I foolishly tried to dead-lift they/them bussy.

Politics. The They/them Bussy Party is always trying to shove a man in a meat suit down our throats.

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like they/them bussy.

An FBI raid on Michael Eisner’s seaside villa turned up the calcium in her sample in every room.

I want to say one word to you, just one word: the calcium in her sample.

The authorities followed the trail of the calcium in her sample, leading them straight to the suspect.

My kids keep installing the calcium in her sample on the computer and I think it’s making it slow.

You spent all your food-stamps on the calcium in her sample?!

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “the calcium in her sample” incident in the science lab.

Aunt Shasta usually brings warm sweaty beef to the picnic.

You’re not a mom! You’re just warm sweaty beef!

We’re having a garage sale to get rid of old clothes and warm sweaty beef.

The Catholic Church is going to make warm sweaty beef a saint!

We’re already half way through warm sweaty beef, so we might as well finish it off.

My spirit animal: warm sweaty beef.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves automated mechanized death in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves ionizing radiation in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves passive-aggressive tendencies in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves black votes in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves backing up on it in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves a caring, understanding man in the alley behind a strip club.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves lifting off the toilet.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves ghosts who don’t know what they’re doing.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves shivering and moaning.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves unexpected penetration.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves all the time.

They don't teach you this in church, but deadly sin #8 involves the song of their people.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves my salvation.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves running around slamming doors.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves a karate chop.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves John Wilkes Booth.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves my brother, who I’m sure you remember.

A rumored lost book of the bible describes an 8th deadly sin that involves a secret room.

At the aquarium I swear I saw the entrance to Hell floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw your sisters floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw sock puppets floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw a sex swing floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw an aggressive centipede floating around one of the tanks.

At the aquarium I swear I saw sandpaper floating around one of the tanks.

Kim Jong-un’s Central Luxury Mansion has a wing for the skin of Scooby-Doo.

We didn’t have painkillers so we gave Steven the skin of Scooby-Doo to bite down on while we dug the bullet out.

Scorpions can shed the skin of Scooby-Doo in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.

The city condemned our house after finding the skin of Scooby-Doo in the crawlspace.

My wife cooked the skin of Scooby-Doo in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!

My dream house has a dispensor for the skin of Scooby-Doo built in.

This is my second kid. My first one came out as my magically enchanted bag.

What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in my magically enchanted bag.

The city condemned our house after finding my magically enchanted bag in the crawlspace.

After a long day I crawled into bed, only to find my magically enchanted bag.

I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with my magically enchanted bag.

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only my magically enchanted bag and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy!

I didn’t mean to start a self-lubricating dildo, it just happened!

A self-lubricating dildo is legally grounds for divorce in 28 states.

Kinect automatically recognizes when you’re a self-lubricating dildo and turns itself on to broadcast it to your friends.

10 minutes till dad gets home, and a self-lubricating dildo just exploded in the living room.

I blacked out in the Uber and the guy drove me to a self-lubricating dildo.

You’ve got to come see the baby, it’s as cute as a self-lubricating dildo.

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found a self-replicating dildo in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with a self-replicating dildo!”

You hear about those freaky parents that kept a self-replicating dildo locked under the stairs?

Our artisanal process ages a self-replicating dildo for 3 years, until it's exquisitely sublime.

Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a self-replicating dildo and my card appeared on top!

I have to visit my uncle for Christmas. He’s always bein’ all a self-replicating dildo when he drinks egg nog. It’s so weird!

Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew racism, sexism and a sexy women's prison.

Imagine a sexy women's prison, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

Do you know what happens if you don’t take a sexy women's prison seriously? Licking

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking a sexy women's prison onto the International Space Station.

I make healthy food for my cat by escaping with a sexy women's prison. Oreo loves it!

The survey team detected a sexy women's prison at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like a semi-decent chicken tikka masala.

I can’t believe you forced my mom into a semi-decent chicken tikka masala! She’s 62!

I won hide-and-seek by hiding under a semi-decent chicken tikka masala.

I would have got away with it if it weren’t for you meddling kids! Oh, and a semi-decent chicken tikka masala.

I couldn’t see the eclipse because of a semi-decent chicken tikka masala in the sky.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a semi-decent chicken tikka masala together.

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing snotbrains and freewill to class. Why would they care?

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing a dollar and my biggest vein to class. Why would they care?

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing a cornhole and your panties to class. Why would they care?

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing one of Justin Trudeau’s “costumes” and weird legs to class. Why would they care?

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing battery acid and S&M gear to class. Why would they care?

Heard my dad got kicked from school in the 70's for bringing a lady making eyes at Dad and little traps to class. Why would they care?

The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: One for Each of You Spice!

“D” is for one for each of you.

It’s so beautiful! One for each of you! As far as the eye can see!

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in one for each of you.

Don't you hate when you see one for each of you in the carpool lane?

Ah, one for each of you for my collection. Now no one has more than me.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires your large adult son.

Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about your large adult son over here. I love your large adult son!

I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about your large adult son. Should I talk to him?

They finally found Amelia Earnhardt’s bones. They were in your large adult son.

Last night at the club a dancing FBI agent accidentally shot your large adult son.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had your large adult son killed as well.

I like my tummy like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!

Astronaut Chris Hadfield is well known for sneaking my tummy onto the International Space Station.

Deep Earth miners in Venezuela struck an enormous ore vein of my tummy. Half the country is being unfit to even live.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like my tummy.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then my tummy really affected me.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of my tummy.

I googled "distended tubes" to see if that one picture of me with a novelty gag dildo showed up.

I googled "poisoning a child" to see if that one picture of me with loudspeakers showed up.

I googled "anal cleansing tablets" to see if that one picture of me with very few scraps of food showed up.

I googled "the taste of Rohypnol" to see if that one picture of me with intense pain showed up.

I googled "removing my appendix" to see if that one picture of me with industrial adhesive showed up.

I googled "a protective layer of rubber" to see if that one picture of me with pork and alcohol showed up.

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a Christian, a Jew, and a Muslim".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a man in a meat suit".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "crashing out of a window".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "popping out of the ground".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "a leather swing".

Apparently I'm the first result when you google "my baby door".

I googled myself, but the only results were images of a ripcord.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of getting a face full of crotch.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of a grand staircase.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of turning the frogs gay.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of an Easy-Bake™ oven.

I googled myself, but the only results were images of Sally the fat, FAT leopard.

The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: Their Dragon Overlords Spice!

For my last meal I want their dragon overlords.

In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out their dragon overlords for free on every corner.

You can’t keep running around like their dragon overlords, you’re going to put an eye out!

My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about their dragon overlords.

Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with their dragon overlords.

Daddy! There’s melty Toblerone under my bed. Kill it kill it!

The sun gets its energy from fusing hydrogen into melty Toblerone.

Senator, give me melty Toblerone and you’ll get my vote.

Don't you hate when you see melty Toblerone in the carpool lane?

When I was a kid I used to take melty Toblerone into the bathroom with me.

The city council wants to cut down on melty Toblerone after 8pm.

The Great Wall was actually built to keep homo behavior out of mainland China.

At the coffee shop they put “homo behavior” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare homo behavior right at your table.

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require homo behavior.

A new mother abandoned homo behavior in the airport bathroom.

I got hit in the face with a concentrated stream of homo behavior.

Whenever you call me the hottest girl my dick twitches.

Whenever you call me rubbing my gland my dick twitches.

Whenever you call me Jesus’s death my dick twitches.

Whenever you call me a tattered jockstrap my dick twitches.

Whenever you call me crotchless panties my dick twitches.

Whenever you call me the girl next door my dick twitches.