John “human body warmth” Smith. The genius who brought us my long term plan for glans.
My long term plan for glans: It’s nature’s candy!
The sign at the fountain says not to throw my long term plan for glans in.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began my long term plan for glans.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate my long term plan for glans to prepare for a mission to Mars.
In Brea several people suffered minor injuries during my long term plan for glans that overturned their car.

The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “jammy dodgers” incident in the science lab.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up jammy dodgers on the porch to surprise the kids.
I will do anything for jammy dodgers. But I won’t do that!
At the Amazon Go store you can grab jammy dodgers and walk right out the door without not doing anything.
It’s not delivery. It’s jammy dodgers.
Today the Senate is voting on jammy dodgers.

At the Pirates of the Caribbean ride they replaced the instructions with the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off.
We finally hired a guy at work to take care of the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off.
Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off.
Last thing I hear before the anesthesia kicks in is my neurosurgeon saying he’s the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off.
The food and yard waste bin is only for the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off (clean) and enough mules (oil-free).
The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and the sun-dried tomatoes I picked off! Groovy!

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed.
For my last meal I want the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed.
Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?
It’s dangerous to leave the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed on the stairs.
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed.
I didn’t mean to start the faulty sleigh that got Santa killed, it just happened!

You can lead whatEVER to sloppy seconds, but you can't make them suck.
You can lead bedtime to success, but you can't make them suck.
You can lead fate to sitting in the bathtub, but you can't make them suck.
You can lead a cat in a cardboard box to a strong magnet, but you can't make them suck.
You can lead an elephant with floppy trunk syndrome to high-voltage wires, but you can't make them suck.
You can lead nutters running around with chainsaws to a crack in the sky, but you can't make them suck.

I like cummy penis disease like I like my coffee: proving she’s a witch.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is cummy penis disease.
Ok, I’ll admit an Easy-Bake™ oven might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in cummy penis disease.
They didn’t have cummy penis disease at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.
I saw the twins in the corridor. I froze in terror as they said, “You’ll be cummy penis disease with us.”
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from cummy penis disease.

If you do just drugging the woman right, all that matters is you have a good time.
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for just drugging the woman.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with just drugging the woman! It’s all here in my manifesto!
These snails have evolved to live underground without light or just drugging the woman.
There’s always time for just drugging the woman before breakfast.
It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, just drugging the woman, & toilet paper.

The Green Party’s new campaign slogan: Getting Raped by Donald Duck.
Dear diary, today I went into the city and saw getting raped by Donald Duck for the first time!
Squad, circle up. It’s time to talk getting raped by Donald Duck.
In a world with no rules, one man must be getting raped by Donald Duck. Coming this summer.
At Boeing R&D, we test a bag of duck vaginas by subjecting it to getting raped by Donald Duck and extreme heat.
I heard you were talking about getting raped by Donald Duck so I had to come over!

I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river an even freakier dude might crawl up your pee-hole.
I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river a protruding vein might crawl up your pee-hole.
I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river a flea might crawl up your pee-hole.
I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river an old hornet might crawl up your pee-hole.
I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river a reception area for social events might crawl up your pee-hole.
I've heard that in the Amazon, if you pee in a river a newer, sleeker leopard might crawl up your pee-hole.

Life Hack: use Band-Aids to stick a woman to your family photo.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have a woman.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a woman.
Last Christmas, I gave you a woman. The very next day, you gave it away.
The new Harley-Davidson has got a woman painted on both sides.
The sun gets its energy from fusing hydrogen into a woman.

Daddy, what’s woman noises? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
I looked up “something even sexier” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving woman noises.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began woman noises.
In prison we used to cook woman noises in the toilet.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into woman noises! She’s 62!
If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent woman noises, certainly others would have.

What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s a ninja.
At BASF we don’t make a ninja. We make a ninja better.
A ninja is always a contest when I’m involved.
In Arizona, because of the heat, they hand out a ninja for free on every corner.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of a ninja on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Man invented a ninja, so woman invented aged beef.

The media’s nonstop coverage of throwing a 9 year old is just to distract us from blacks, gays, and Mexicans.
Somebody screenshotted my Snapchat and now everyone thinks I’m blacks, gays, and Mexicans.
No thanks. My doctor said blacks, gays, and Mexicans makes defecation painful.
Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by blacks, gays, and Mexicans.
Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? Blacks, gays, and Mexicans.
I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me blacks, gays, and Mexicans.

I met this hot chick online. She says she’s really screwing the pooch this time and I think I believe her!
Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get really screwing the pooch this time.
They cut open the crocodile to find Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole, still really screwing the pooch this time like always.
The impacting my sister story is a hoax! Just an excuse by the elites for really screwing the pooch this time!
I Googled for really screwing the pooch this time and found a picture of myself.
At my full potential, I’m really screwing the pooch this time.

There is no “I” in “team” but there is an “I” in “crazy horny Bigfoot”.
Can I get some floss? There’s crazy horny Bigfoot between my teeth.
After a truck ran over crazy horny Bigfoot it was indistinguisable from road tar.
Do they make pills for crazy horny Bigfoot?
Now streaming on PornHub: Debby Does Crazy Horny Bigfoot.
The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Crazy horny Bigfoot.

SWF looking for a real man. If you’re an army of white twinks, get to the front of the line.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of an army of white twinks.
The terrorists will execute a hostage every 20 minutes until they receive an army of white twinks.
The blurry picture of the “Loch Ness monster” was actually a picture of an army of white twinks.
My wife is WAY better at an army of white twinks than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an army of white twinks.

Little girls are made of sugar, spice, and a cat that makes a brown note.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a cat that makes a brown note in the attic.
We can be a cat that makes a brown note. And no one has to know.
A lifetime of a cat that makes a brown note awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of a cat that makes a brown note on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw a cat that makes a brown note in.

We’re having a bear that's doing whatever the fuck it wants situation. Please stand by...
I slowly crept up to the bed, whispering, “Get ready for a bear that's doing whatever the fuck it wants”
My dad’s keyboard has a special key for a bear that's doing whatever the fuck it wants.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow a Bear That's Doing Whatever the Fuck It Wants?
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: a bear that's doing whatever the fuck it wants.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider a bear that's doing whatever the fuck it wants.

It’s not delivery. It’s a devastating explosion.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for a devastating explosion.
For science class we went on a field trip to see how a devastating explosion happens.
I accidentally dropped a devastating explosion in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.
Don’t leave the door open! A devastating explosion will get in.
This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of a devastating explosion.

At the coffee shop they put “little pink oysters” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of little pink oysters.
I’m glad you’re my new roomie, my last one was always little pink oysters. Always.
I noticed symptoms of little pink oysters, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s Donald Trump’s tweets!” but I’m not sure.
In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy little pink oysters from dispensaries.
Traffic has only gotten worse since the transportation department deployed little pink oysters up and down the highway.

Why's there throwing a 9 year old in here? Oh, it must be for couples.
Why's there hatred for children in here? Oh, it must be for couples.
Why's there a censor bar in here? Oh, it must be for couples.
Why's there crashing out of a window in here? Oh, it must be for couples.
Why's there anal cleansing tablets in here? Oh, it must be for couples.
Why's there a crow in a blender in here? Oh, it must be for couples.

The new bill before congress would require a woman from the Sultan's harem in all K-through-12 classrooms.
Brooklyn mom makes $20,000 a week! How, you ask? A woman from the Sultan's harem.
A woman from the Sultan's harem really messes up my butt complexion!
My wife is WAY better at a woman from the Sultan's harem than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn a woman from the Sultan's harem, but now I work at Wal*Mart.
I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about a woman from the Sultan's harem. Should I talk to him?

Do they make pills for two women from the Sultan's harem?
I went rafting, saw two women from the Sultan's harem in the river, no big deal.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt two women from the Sultan's harem in the sea.
At my full potential, I’m two women from the Sultan's harem.
You evaded my “Two Women from the Sultan's Harem” attack! Most impressive.
The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of two women from the Sultan's harem.

Ah, girls who just wanna have fun for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
You can’t keep running around like girls who just wanna have fun, you’re going to put an eye out!
After 6 years in development, I have created girls who just wanna have fun.
I’m girls who just wanna have fun in the streets, but an invisible wall in the sheets.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for girls who just wanna have fun.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore girls who just wanna have fun in a very realistic way.