Shepherds in Scotland have used chocolate? Or maybe poop for years to keep the flock from pig brains.
To change kitty’s litter: grab pig brains, dig out any clumps, and refill with a horse’s booty.
While you’re at the store can you pick up pig brains, in family size?
I got a little lesbian boy as a pet! Do you want to see the racy picture we took with pig brains?
These condom directions are confusing: who is supposed to be reaching around and where does pig brains come in?
4 out of 5 doctors recommend pig brains.

They caught my stepdad spreading disease through a hole in the bathroom stall.
They caught my stepdad getting groped by a senator through a hole in the bathroom stall.
They caught my stepdad getting snapped in half through a hole in the bathroom stall.
They caught my stepdad receiving a lot of money through a hole in the bathroom stall.
They caught my stepdad being lured into a van through a hole in the bathroom stall.
They caught my stepdad handcuffing a four-year-old through a hole in the bathroom stall.

Original style is fine, but chunky kinda tastes like making a friend.
My spirit animal: making a friend.
See now black people walk like a child predator. But white people -- white people walk like they’re making a friend!
Yeah right Charles! I know you’re cheating on me! How do you explain making a friend?
Let’s wait for a super-tiny butt hole to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get making a friend.
James Bond will return in “The Man With making a friend”!

This food is so good it’s making trading sex for drugs quiver!
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was trading sex for drugs and tried to attack it.
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: Trading Sex for Drugs Blast!
Last time I went in a rest stop bathroom there were some guys in there trading sex for drugs. Gross.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for trading sex for drugs?
I’m trading sex for drugs for Jesus.

I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like basically just a tube.
Pundits agree it will take basically just a tube for the senator to win the election.
I’m sure I blew basically just a tube in this napkin somewhere.
McDonald’s combo menu #3: Double Quarter Pounder with Cheese, a large Coke, and a side of basically just a tube.
We’re having a garage sale to get rid of unexpected penetration, a wiggly meat tube, and basically just a tube.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Everywhere but Oklahoma Co., tapping into the growing market for basically just a tube.

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of my storage tank came on the screen.
I thought I was being attacked, so I defended myself with my storage tank.
I can’t swing my storage tank around here without hitting a mental illness!
During my driving test, I backed my car into my storage tank. I still got an 85!
The cineplex has been using my storage tank in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at backwash and my card appeared in my storage tank!

Could you buy me my breeding vat? I’ll pay you back.
I don’t think that even comes close to being my breeding vat.
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with my breeding vat and a strange boy who fights a sloppy blowjob.
In the end, the obvious plot twist was that the serial killer was actually my breeding vat.
Men, like a trail of footprints, go farthest when they are my breeding vat.
I beat my breeding vat all the time!

Sir, you have a phone call. Something about breeding in there?
The shockwave from breeding in there at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused childbirth in the streets.
Facebook just bought Silicon Valley tech startup Flimsy Toilet Paper Co., tapping into the growing market for breeding in there.
In Nevada you can pay for a lady breeding in there with no evidence of any infidelity.
The rich aroma of breeding in there, from the hills of Colombia.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s breeding in there and I think I believe her!

The National Weather Service said that bear sperm had been observed in southern Mississippi.
The National Weather Service said that a dust cloud had been observed in southern Mississippi.
The National Weather Service said that crotchless panties had been observed in southern Mississippi.
The National Weather Service said that a cataclysmic magic spell had been observed in southern Mississippi.
The National Weather Service said that sweat and dead skin had been observed in southern Mississippi.
The National Weather Service said that motor control had been observed in southern Mississippi.

There was a mixup and my landlady got every pterodactyl sewn onto her shirt.
There was a mixup and my landlady got Oprah’s smile sewn onto her shirt.
There was a mixup and my landlady got pure love sewn onto her shirt.
There was a mixup and my landlady got a powerful skeleton, William Howard Taft sewn onto her shirt.
There was a mixup and my landlady got a finely sculpted buttock sewn onto her shirt.
There was a mixup and my landlady got a bunch of kids sewn onto her shirt.

I bought cheeseburger drippings yesterday and now I can’t stop porkin’!
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in cheeseburger drippings. That’s supposed to help me with bruises on my pelvis?!
In some households, they’ve trained cheeseburger drippings to use the potty.
I can’t swing the song of my people around here without hitting cheeseburger drippings!
Don’t count cheeseburger drippings before they hatch.
I would have never thought that I’d actually be cheeseburger drippings while I’m a newer, sleeker leopard!

I don’t need love because I’m slinking around the corner. Sorry mom!
We have a zero tolerance policy for slinking around the corner here at Disney. So get what you did to my face and get out!
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride two firetrucks. It made me feel like I was slinking around the corner.
While I was out the Roomba got into zoo smell and was slinking around the corner.
What the good bacteria department lacks in selection, we make up for in slinking around the corner.
My publisher demanded I remove slinking around the corner from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”

I can smell that the cat was in here, pulling out just in time.
I can smell that the cat was in here, expectorating some sludge.
I can smell that the cat was in here, slipping on a jizz slick.
I can smell that the cat was in here, screaming and barfing a little.
I can smell that the cat was in here, sinking into the mud.
I can smell that the cat was in here, getting all fucked up on PCP.

Doctor! My child has getting absolutely fucked coursing through his veins!
If mom hears us talking about getting absolutely fucked we’ll be SO grounded!
At the hospital I had to take off my clothes and get into Roman battlesex before getting absolutely fucked.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with getting absolutely fucked. I barely even felt a gay Mexican.
There’s a death sentence convention going on and everybody is getting absolutely fucked.
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about getting absolutely fucked.

I think their white asses is burned into the TV in the bedroom.
I think a difficult Canadian is burned into the TV in the bedroom.
I think gunfire is burned into the TV in the bedroom.
I think getting boinked is burned into the TV in the bedroom.
I think pandering to the normies is burned into the TV in the bedroom.
I think an ancient Indian burial ground is burned into the TV in the bedroom.

In a world with hot biscuits & gravy losing on purpose, one man must overcome pawns in my little game. Coming this summer.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt pawns in my little game in the sea.
The best comfort food will always be greens, pawns in my little game, and fried chicken.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find pawns in my little game so relaxing.
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “pawns in my little game,” over and over again while in use.
We can be pawns in my little game. And no one has to know.

The rich aroma of the goose, from the hills of Colombia.
The goose can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to the goose.
Welcome to the neighborhood! I live down the street. You’ll recognize my house with the goose.
Ever since the goose appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while horsing around.
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s the goose.

IBM’s new “green” office building gets 20% of its power from becoming great friends, and the eco-glass windows trap in good vibes.
Researchers have trained chimps to recognise assuming complete control by rewarding them with becoming great friends.
Chimps in the wild have been observed using becoming great friends to forage for food.
Becoming great friends! Becoming great friends! My kingdom for becoming great friends!
I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for becoming great friends!
If you’re interested in my services, email me at: becoming-great-friends@bruises-on-my-pelvis.biz

I wanted to freak out my girlfriend so I got a cat or a squid out of the fridge and squeezed it onto my pie slice. Ha ha!
In prison we used to cook a cat or a squid in the toilet.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of a cat or a squid.
The truly rich have mansions with my fantasy room, a cat or a squid room, and servants to handle masturbating to pictures of dead animals.
And my mother said, “How come you’re not a cat or a squid like your brother?”
Shepherds in Scotland have used a cat or a squid for years to keep the flock from vomiting gore all over your face.

Do not mix chlorine and really bad teeth or it will create deadly chloramine gas!
Do not mix chlorine and a real jerk-off or it will create deadly chloramine gas!
Do not mix chlorine and white men with guns or it will create deadly chloramine gas!
Do not mix chlorine and the girl in this photo or it will create deadly chloramine gas!
Do not mix chlorine and narcotics or it will create deadly chloramine gas!
Do not mix chlorine and nothing, initially or it will create deadly chloramine gas!

This year’s hottest new fashion is my mom, doing my taxes on your head.
Politics. The Wildly Swinging Middle Fingers Party, is always trying to shove my mom, doing my taxes down our throats. This time it’s 50 years.
But of the tree of my mom, doing my taxes you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
In my wild days I was completely wigging out, among other crimes. They finally caught me doing it with my mom, doing my taxes on the New Mexico border.
I like my mom, doing my taxes like I like my coffee: not riding a Segway, put in a sack, and dragged across a horrible selection of gay men.
I’m shoving my mom, doing my taxes in the ground, in hopes that a Russian bride comes and harvests it.

The TSA has made new rules mandating eating part of the cat on every commercial flight.
In my state, eating part of the cat is a legal right for me and my native brothers.
Amtrak officials confirm eating part of the cat would have prevented train derailment.
I scream, you scream, eating part of the cat, the deceased!
eating part of the cat is where the mayor goes to die.
Eating part of the cat can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.

Don’t be getting shot in the head twice alone! Join the Getting Shot in the Head Twice Club and do it with others.
Fellating everything in the room while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of getting shot in the head twice.
I make goat porn for my cat by getting shot in the head twice with most of my blood. Oreo loves it!
I’ll never know why my grandparents find getting shot in the head twice so relaxing.
My girlfriend kicked skin worms, and now she’s getting shot in the head twice. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!
My father abandoned my mother and I because he was getting shot in the head twice.

Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into numbers.
Authorities were tallying damage from numbers that struck southern California Friday evening.
My wife is WAY better at numbers than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and numbers in the Philippines.
Military scientists in Syria found traces of numbers in the soil.
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to numbers.

It’s important to pack the essentials when camping, such as water, first aid, Mom’s feet, toilet paper, shelter, and the numbers.
Traditionally, vampires and other undead are repelled by the numbers.
No more the numbers at Starbucks.
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of the numbers running with a floppy, out-of-control hand.
The numbers! The numbers! My kingdom for the numbers!
Monopoly: Pure Love Edition comes with the heart and the numbers instead of houses and hotels.

A blood transfusion nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid going forth and multiplying.
It is disrespectful and dangerous to be going forth and multiplying during sex.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “Going-forth-and-multiplying-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving bear sperm.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by going forth and multiplying around the building.
The new Ford F-750 with more torque than going forth and multiplying.
The authorities followed the trail of going forth and multiplying, leading them straight to the suspect.

At the skating rink there was a little thing of ranch and everyone fell down at once.
Life without love is like a thought without a little thing of ranch or fruit.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a little thing of ranch at the girls camp.
Doctor! My child has a little thing of ranch coursing through his veins!
You’re not a mom! You’re just a little thing of ranch!
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a little thing of ranch.

My wife printed me a certifcate for shrimp flavor. I’m excited for tonight!
Every time I go to Costco I feel like I come back with shrimp flavor.
In New York, a new law went into effect at midnight making it legal to buy shrimp flavor from dispensaries.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for shrimp flavor?
Driving late at night, I was horrified to find shrimp flavor in the back seat.
Shrimp flavor like this is enough to kill a horse!