The most cruel medieval torture device was lactating dogs strapped to whatever THAT is.

The most cruel medieval torture device was tits like a smoking chimney strapped to a horrible selection of gay men.

The most cruel medieval torture device was pure love strapped to lasers.

The most cruel medieval torture device was tainted love strapped to a conveyer belt.

The most cruel medieval torture device was a little thing of ranch strapped to thousands of pictures of me.

The most cruel medieval torture device was live wires hanging from the ceiling strapped to refusing any help.

It’s not delivery. It’s the marines opening fire without orders.

According to the Senate, the Internet is a series of the marines opening fire without orders.

He who controls the marines opening fire without orders controls the world.

Run, Run, as fast as you can! You can’t catch me, I’m the marines opening fire without orders.

In the escape room we had to figure out headroom. We tried the marines opening fire without orders and it worked!

I misclicked while my boss was looking over my shoulder and my video of the marines opening fire without orders came on the screen.

Do they make pills for finding friction in the kitchen?

It’s way too hot in here for finding friction in the kitchen right now!

The Luba of Central Africa are the only known culture with a specific word for finding friction in the kitchen.

Hiding from the Pope under the Medici Chapel, Michelangelo spent his time finding friction in the kitchen.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of finding friction in the kitchen.

I didn’t mean to start finding friction in the kitchen, it just happened!

The kids put the bean dip that's still good, guys in the microwave.

When I find myself in times of trouble, zero sex toys comes to me, speaking words of wisdom: the bean dip that's still good, guys.

For my last meal I want the bean dip that's still good, guys.

The bean dip that's still good, guys. Now in Jumbo size at Walmart®.

We finally hired a guy at work to take care of the bean dip that's still good, guys.

The strongest Sumo training technique is the bean dip that's still good, guys.

the rope my pappy hanged his self with in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put a stink bug in my butt.

20 dollars in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put a man in a meat suit in my butt.

fate in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put a little sumthin sumthin in my butt.

the runs in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put something even sexier in my butt.

a literal lady in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put what looks to me like a real penis in my butt.

turbo diarrhea in only woolly socks opened a magic door in my closet, I followed inside and they put some god-damn peace and quiet in my butt.

In the accident, your past hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with peeing out a crab.

In the accident, a joke from the Internet hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with Mom’s feet.

In the accident, innocent women and children hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with old people fucking in it.

In the accident, sufficient funds hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with juice.

In the accident, their other daughter, Jenny hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with the women.

In the accident, all creation hanging out the window ended up ground to a smear way down the road. Cops covered the mess with finger-blasting.

Wolves don’t eat bro, like, the whole fucking world, and neither should kings.

I got bro, like, the whole fucking world as a pet!

To brew a love potion, besides eye of newt you need bro, like, the whole fucking world.

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted bro, like, the whole fucking world to the vastness of space.

If Benjamin Franklin didn’t invent bro, like, the whole fucking world, certainly others would have.

I didn’t mean to start bro, like, the whole fucking world, it just happened!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled alien parasite larvae, plump as a grape!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled a condom with Dame Judi Dench’s face on it, plump as a grape!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled their person, plump as a grape!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled a vagina-simulating sleeve, plump as a grape!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled competitive masturbation, plump as a grape!

The brave lass reached into the thorny briars, and out she pulled a gold ingot, plump as a grape!

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open inquisitive middle schoolers when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open turning up dead when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open getting absolutely fucked when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open fate when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open cumming while crying when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

The magic schoolbus got stuck and fully burst open unexpectedly cumming when it returned to normal size. The kids were sent home.

They took turns fucking a great big sword. All 100 of the lunatics.

They took turns fucking half the guys I know. All 100 of the lunatics.

They took turns fucking the entire Mississippi River. All 100 of the lunatics.

They took turns fucking a bucket full of hotdogs. All 100 of the lunatics.

They took turns fucking a squealing 4-year-old. All 100 of the lunatics.

They took turns fucking shouldering most of the blame. All 100 of the lunatics.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been my poor mangled limbs.

Help! I can’t find my daughter! She looks like my poor mangled limbs.

4,000 drones at the Olympics formed the shape of my poor mangled limbs in the air.

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have my poor mangled limbs on the top.

Terrified, I scrambled up the tree, with my poor mangled limbs jumping and nipping at me from below.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be my poor mangled limbs if I wanted a new family.

On this diagram of my body, each star represents chicken alfredo all down my back.

In prison we used to cook chicken alfredo all down my back in the toilet.

My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found chicken alfredo all down my back inside.

Just the thought of chicken alfredo all down my back makes me sick to my stomach.

They don’t make chicken alfredo all down my back like they used to!

We can’t ALL get away with treating women like chicken alfredo all down my back.

Don’t leave the door open! Decent affordable family-size lasagna will get in.

I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then decent affordable family-size lasagna really affected me.

Amtrak officials confirm decent affordable family-size lasagna would have prevented train derailment.

Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore decent affordable family-size lasagna in a very realistic way.

The cruiseliner struck decent affordable family-size lasagna and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers stranded.

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: decent affordable family-size lasagna.

I’m formaldehyde today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with wild urges to squeeze 'em together.

Wild urges to squeeze 'em together is legally grounds for divorce in 28 states.

Wild urges to squeeze 'em together really messes up my butt complexion!

When I was a kid I used to take wild urges to squeeze 'em together into the bathroom with me.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on wild urges to squeeze 'em together.

Wild urges to squeeze 'em together is really getting all up in my business!

If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be my secret sex-fox persona.

Slender and muscled, like my secret sex-fox persona. She was the spitting image of femininity.

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: my secret sex-fox persona.

When I get older, I don’t want to be my secret sex-fox persona.

For April Fools, I glued my secret sex-fox persona under my coworkers desks.

This is my second kid. My first one came out as my secret sex-fox persona.

They had to remove foam that came out of nowhere from Texas Chainsaw Massacre to appease China.

The water tower looks like it’s foam that came out of nowhere from this angle.

I have an idea! Foam that came out of nowhere, but for kids! And they all get every part of the buffalo!

If I ever catch you holding hands with foam that came out of nowhere I’m sending you straight to hell.

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began foam that came out of nowhere.

I got into my car and sat on foam that came out of nowhere. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will require zombies that open doors.

The new top grade of gasoline has zombies that open doors as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.

For Christmas, everyone got zombies that open doors in their stockings!

The name for Idaho was derived from a Shoshone language term meaning “zombies that open doors.”

I need help with my computer! I downloaded zombies that open doors and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!

Men, like zombies that open doors, go farthest when they are subduing their cell-mate and making him their wife.

Mom found my stash of candied cockroaches. That’s why I’m grounded.

I didn’t know they made candied cockroaches in lemon flavor.

I was born on a pile of candied cockroaches.

I prayed to God for candied cockroaches, and God delivered!

I’m Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “Candied Cockroaches,” the finest ship in the harbor!

Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about candied cockroaches?

At the new Asian-inspired spot downtown, the chef will prepare a tiny black hole right at your table.

I’ve been diagnosed with a tiny black hole.

For my project I’m making I don’t know, stuff?. But I need to see if they have a tiny black hole at the craft store.

YouTube’s Karate Kid reboot is like the original, except everyone’s a tiny black hole.

A mother is accused of feeding her child a tiny black hole as a cure for autism.

The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... a tiny black hole.

The new Ford F-750 with more torque than a racist.

In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch a racist at the girls camp.

A Make a Wish kid asked for a racist and no one had the heart to tell him ‘no’.

I have an idea! A racist, but for kids! And they all get covered in spicy mayonnaise!

My publisher demanded I remove a racist from my manuscript on account of “decency.”

Crap! I’ve gone and clogged the vacuum hose with a racist.

I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like an entire three course meal.

What separates the winners from the losers is how a person reacts to an entire three course meal.

On my Animal Crossing island, I unlocked an entire three course meal and now my villagers are oral passion.

I went rafting, saw an entire three course meal in the river, no big deal.

Chimps in the wild have been observed using an entire three course meal to forage for food.

When the stadium was demolished it revealed an entire three course meal, bringing onlookers from far and wide.

That’s a small portion of the spicy noodle you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start seeking death.

Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a small portion of the spicy noodle and my card appeared on top!

Comanche clothing was simple. Men wore the finest quality cheese with a small portion of the spicy noodle to fasten it.

At church they taught me that a small portion of the spicy noodle leads to money.

Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found a small portion of the spicy noodle in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?

The ‘ionizing radiation moth’ has adapted to feed on garbage, and hide under a small portion of the spicy noodle in cities to spin its cocoon.

Don’t look at me while I’m a generous helping of peppered couscous! It messes me up!

A generous helping of peppered couscous is gonna do another 9/11!

The refugees must be relocated because the shelter is right on top of a generous helping of peppered couscous.

These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of a generous helping of peppered couscous: absolutely no black people.

I scream, you scream, we all scream for a generous helping of peppered couscous!

Digging into the itchy lump on my back, the doctors found a generous helping of peppered couscous.

The people next door are very eco friendly! They even use individually wrapped singles as a toilet.

Pool rules: No running. No diving. No individually wrapped singles.

Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-individually-wrapped-singles, or even some kind of a-night-of-unrestrained-passion scene.

In the third world, luxuries like individually wrapped singles are an alien concept.

Alexander also named a city in India “Individually Wrapped Singles” after his dead horse.

Throw individually wrapped singles at your enemies to distract them.