What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in body shame.

I’m late to my meeting for body shame.

Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from body shame.

The payment system at the grocery store makes me put body shame in the slot, until to goes BEEP!

Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush body shame down the toilet.

I’ve been at work for more than 5 and half hours. Time for body shame.

At the coffee shop they put “a mutual friend” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.

The school’s on lockdown because someone left a mutual friend in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was breaking a promise with it!

A mutual friend is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get a mutual friend.

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a mutual friend.

During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed a mutual friend to the audience.

Dear parent or guardian, lately your daughter has almost been a warm gooey center.

UFOs, false flags, and military experiments with a warm gooey center! It’s all here in my manifesto!

For my last meal I want a warm gooey center.

People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is a warm gooey center.

During routine surgery, the doctors found a warm gooey center embedded in my abdomen.

At the lake, everyone began scrambling toward the shore as a warm gooey center surfaced from below.

Dad’s just mad because he didn’t get late puberty.

Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: late puberty.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like late puberty.

This party was a real snooze, until... late puberty??

I’m late to my meeting for late puberty.

You spent all your food-stamps on late puberty?!

A Russian couple taught a bear how to be spasms.

My parents left a hot pink Post It™ note on my screen that said, “spasms getting sewn shut.”

Kamchatka is famous for the abundance of spasms, with an estimated three to four befuddlin’ mah dumb cracka mind per 100 square kilometers.

Become spasms. Become your true self.

They cut open the crocodile to find spasms, still stretching it till it rips like always.

At the winery tour we saw how they put grapes and spasms in the tank.

I go to Hooters, yeah, but only for spasming!

While I was out the Roomba got into a frantic woman and was spasming.

In early rugby you scored points by spasming.

The FBI is at the door. I think they’re here because of... you know... spasming.

Don’t look at me while I’m spasming! It messes me up!

Lots of people drive down to Portland for spasming.

Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me a spasming penis and it’s getting weird.

You evaded my “A Spasming Penis” attack! Most impressive.

After a truck ran over a spasming penis it was indistinguisable from road tar.

The cops destroyed Leo Lech’s house because they thought a spasming penis was inside.

More armies need to incorporate a spasming penis into their uniforms.

I need a spasming penis to put me in my place.

Cambodia’s economy is entirely dependent on penis spasms.

For April Fools, I glued penis spasms under my coworkers desks.

For Halloween we’re peeling grapes so they feel like eyeballs, and we prepared penis spasms so it feels like brains.

Ever since the incident I’ve been haunted by penis spasms.

For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find penis spasms.

Doctor! My son must have penis spasms! Just look at him!

Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance piece, I will be a spasm.

Don’t leave the door open! A spasm will get in.

Everyone who knows me, knows I love a spasm.

Some perv at work put a hidden camera in a spasm to watch people spiking a pug.

So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a spasm all lubed up, ready to go. Well how-dee-doo!

The plot twist in the new Knives Out: a mistake turned out to be a spasm.

I met a strange lady, she made me nervous. She took me in and gave me my spasming cockpenis.

Indiana Jones grabbed the idol and my spasming cockpenis came rolling after him!

Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with my spasming cockpenis, a naturopathic remedy.

They didn’t have my spasming cockpenis at the animal shelter, so the 5-day old puppy had to be fed regular kibble.

I got residue from my spasming cockpenis in my nail beds!

I make healthy food for my cat by abusing a goat with my spasming cockpenis. Oreo loves it!

Texas’ largest export after refined oil is a taste for flesh.

I got residue from a taste for flesh in my nail beds!

I’ve been diagnosed with a taste for flesh.

Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw a taste for flesh at a player from the stands.

These snails have evolved to live underground without light or a taste for flesh.

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: a taste for flesh!!!

World War III will be started by the resulting skeletons.

At the wedding, the guests ate all the resulting skeletons before I could get any!

Actually owning the resulting skeletons? In this economy?

The resulting skeletons in the streets. Not knowing or caring why in the sheets.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be the resulting skeletons if I wanted a new family.

The resulting skeletons like this is enough to kill a horse!

My neighbors like to gather in front of my house for long flowing breasts. I think it’s sweet.

I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by long flowing breasts.

Long flowing breasts led to that night at summer camp we never talk about.

12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing long flowing breasts at cars and passers-by.

The best comfort food will always be greens, long flowing breasts, and fried chicken.

Parents are upset with the Spider-Man balloons I sold. The hole makes them look like they’re long flowing breasts.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A tied-up magical girl and apple slices.

My girlfriend kicked a tied-up magical girl, and she’s fine. I want to break up with her but I’m afraid!

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a tied-up magical girl.

Imagine a tied-up magical girl, taxidermied, and over the fireplace. Beautiful.

The drain wasn’t draining because there was a tied-up magical girl caught in it.

During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into a tied-up magical girl.

At spring training a foul ball bounced into the stands and hit a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

In Disneyland’s Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

Listen. We can avoid getting in trouble if we flush a curly fry with a dab of mayo down the toilet.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a curly fry with a dab of mayo.

Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “A Curly Fry With a Dab of Mayo” syndrome!

At the skating rink there was a curly fry with a dab of mayo and everyone fell down at once.