I got into my car and sat on literally just a penis. Slowly, a smile crept over my face.

At the skating rink there was literally just a penis and everyone fell down at once.

Back in my day, we only had literally just a penis for fun and we LIKED IT.

I clean literally just a penis by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up breastfeeding a baby kitten.

I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with literally just a penis.

A ghost ship washed up in Japan with literally just a penis on board.

2 You pay me twenty high heels to have sex with an eyebrow? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty doing a bad job at pooping to have sex with a cat treat? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty too many cats to have sex with a cage built for an autistic student? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty hookers in the trunk to have sex with what I’ve done? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty starting a religion to have sex with fly honeys? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

2 You pay me twenty squirting ink and running away to have sex with a not-so-innocent girl? ...shit, yeah I'm down.

Thanks for a special probe to detect gases last night. *wink* *wink*

That’s a special probe to detect gases you’ve got there. It’d be a shame if someone were to start sinking into the mud.

Furious that I was pissing into his spellbook, the sorcerer turned me into a special probe to detect gases.

We put a special probe to detect gases in your tea!

Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw a special probe to detect gases.

How did I survive a special probe to detect gases? I ate my way out.

You got a crazed Eskimo pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got the big ol’ boys pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got very expensive gelato pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got a squirt of mustard pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got so many dudes pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

You got losing on purpose pregnant?! How is that even possible?!

a weak little person, rapidly filling with semen.

moving and talking at the same time, rapidly filling with semen.

Gene Simmons’ tongue, rapidly filling with semen.

things that aren’t fruit, rapidly filling with semen.

correcting a woman, rapidly filling with semen.

kevlar underwear, rapidly filling with semen.

No one in Morocco can have well seasoned roadkill without registering with the government.

Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with well seasoned roadkill.

Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called “sex friends,” are the passages for well seasoned roadkill to flow.

Well seasoned roadkill can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.

A new study found that giving employees well seasoned roadkill can motivate them more than a cash bonus.

A sea cucumber can eject well seasoned roadkill from its anus in self-defense.

Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A recognized standard for pony conventions and apple slices.

When I get older, I don’t want to be a recognized standard for pony conventions.

The cineplex has been using a recognized standard for pony conventions in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a recognized standard for pony conventions.

At work I secretly have a recognized standard for pony conventions under my desk.

I saw two hobos fighting over a recognized standard for pony conventions behind the library. One of them was praying.

Craft idea: use Band-Aids to stick an inchoate mass of feline ooze to your family photo.

My kid was acting up, so I took away an inchoate mass of feline ooze privileges.

Slender and muscled, like an inchoate mass of feline ooze. She was the spitting image of femininity.

At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in innocent women and children. That’s supposed to help me with an inchoate mass of feline ooze?!

I’m sure I tossed an inchoate mass of feline ooze in this dumpster somewhere.

An-Inchoate-Mass-of-Feline-Ooze-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!

Excessive anal torture? I got all dressed up for excessive anal torture?

My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found excessive anal torture inside.

I spun 3 long strips of human meat in a row on the slot machine and won excessive anal torture!

This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: excessive anal torture.

It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you. There’s nothing that excessive anal torture could ever do.

A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix’s new show has people spotting excessive anal torture around town.

I didn’t mean to start my coolest Harry Potter theory, it just happened!

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted my coolest Harry Potter theory to the vastness of space.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires my coolest Harry Potter theory.

This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw my coolest Harry Potter theory overboard!

The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt my coolest Harry Potter theory in the sea.

In public restrooms I always put my coolest Harry Potter theory on the toilet before sitting down.