|
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was my best friend. Give a man a thick layer of frosting and you feed him for a day. Give him my best friend, and you feed him for a lifetime. Music without the sounds of my best friend is hardly music at all. In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch my best friend at the girls camp. Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “My Best Friend” syndrome! How embarrassing! I forget I left my best friend in the foyer. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Nov 22 at 10:44 PST
|
|
|
|
Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being Waterboarded to the Soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan”! I shook his hand and it felt like Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan. At my full potential, I’m Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan. The most romantic thing ever? Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan, obviously. This food is so good it’s making Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan quiver! News at 11: Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan at a loading screen convention. You’re not a mom! You’re just Being waterboarded to the soundtrack of Disney's Tarzan! |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Nov 25 at 12:36 PST
|
|
|
aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
|
A device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti The school’s on lockdown because someone left a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti in the hall. And Mr. Ryan was getting diagnosed with it! Viewers donated $40,000 to see a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti. Vampires can only be killed by a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti. I’m your lifestyle today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti. Some perv at work put a hidden camera in a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti to watch people asexually reproducing. Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a device with the sole purpose of twisting and bending spaghetti hanging in the window. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Nov 26 at 11:11 PST
|
|
|
|
Leaping from a skyscraper Leaping from a skyscraper while driving has been statistically shown to increase the risk of an accident. People in Taiwan are getting a trap that shoots a poison dart implanted in their bodies for leaping from a skyscraper. Researchers have trained chimps to communicate by rewarding them with leaping from a skyscraper. How can leaping from a skyscraper be this cute? I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into leaping from a skyscraper, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove. LEAPING FROM A SKYSCRAPER INTENSIFIES |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Nov 28 at 10:04 PST
— Ed. Nov 28 at 10:04 PST
|
|
|
|
In future times, the children will work together to build a steamy romance novel. Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get a steamy romance novel. When I get older, I don’t want to be a steamy romance novel. At Boeing R&D, we test food on the floor by subjecting it to a steamy romance novel and extreme heat. At work I secretly have a steamy romance novel under my desk. The Pleasure Pro 9000™ is a sex toy that robotically says “a steamy romance novel,” while in use. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Nov 28 at 17:37 PST
— Ed. Nov 29 at 09:31 PST
|
|
|
Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
|
I went to cut the cake, and to my surprise, Christmas vengeance popped out! I may not be much to look at, but I fuck like Christmas vengeance. The most romantic thing ever? Christmas vengeance, obviously. I thought I just had gas, but it came out as Christmas vengeance. Driving late at night, I was horrified to find Christmas vengeance in the back seat. I checked my son’s browser history. Found links about Christmas vengeance. Should I talk to him? |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 2 at 01:22 PST
|
|
|
|
I have a folder on my desktop named , just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named too much milk, just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls, just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named what makes my girlfriend scream when I put it in her mouth, just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named that sex move that drives me crazy, just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named the measure of a man, just for the memes. I have a folder on my desktop named moving and talking at the same time, just for the memes. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 4 at 15:16 PST
— Ed. Dec 4 at 15:16 PST
|
|
|
|
An autonomous security robot Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for an autonomous security robot. I’m Captain Rogers the Rancorous of “An Autonomous Security Robot,” the finest ship in the harbor! Somehow, the cat pulled an autonomous security robot in through the pet door. Great job on the proposal! You’re in line for a raise, and the boss might even give you an autonomous security robot. While I was out the Roomba got into an autonomous security robot and was stretching my husband’s anus. I like an autonomous security robot like I like my coffee: mounting. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 4 at 18:29 PST
|
|
|
aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
|
The blood of non-autistic children Aunt Shasta usually brings the blood of non-autistic children to the picnic. For my project I’m making the blood of non-autistic children. But I need to see if they have your fluid-filled lungs at the craft store. I’ve been at work for more than 5 and half hours. Time for the blood of non-autistic children My kids keep installing the blood of non-autistic children on the computer and I think it’s making it slow. I was surprised to find bones in the blood of non-autistic children. Is that normal? In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the blood of non-autistic children. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 5 at 22:14 PST
|
|
|
|
The latest trends on TikTok: , and . The latest trends on TikTok: sacrificing the homeless, and my haunted butthole. The latest trends on TikTok: sexy fingers, and us black folk. The latest trends on TikTok: stealing a shark from the aquarium, and being kicked repeatedly in the head. The latest trends on TikTok: slavery, and an albino dominatrix. The latest trends on TikTok: the rifleman’s upper body, and lurching about in the yard. The latest trends on TikTok: gross people, and rustic-looking shit that hipsters care about. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 6 at 09:56 PST
— Ed. Dec 6 at 09:56 PST
|
|
|
|
Celebrities keep getting cancelled over . And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over making me cum. And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over Woman 2.0. And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over John Wilkes Booth. And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over being an overweight bitch. And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over finding a place to fart. And you know what? They deserve it. Celebrities keep getting cancelled over loose morals. And you know what? They deserve it. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 6 at 09:59 PST
— Ed. Dec 6 at 10:10 PST
|
|
|
|
I keep finding {n} in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding pity in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding the working man in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding the magic of live theatre in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding maggots in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding Dad’s ass in my garage cardboard pile. I keep finding a rough testicle in my garage cardboard pile. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 6 at 10:11 PST
|
|
|
aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
|
Murderable women in Ireland My dad’s new Harley has got murderable women in Ireland painted on both sides. Vote for me and I’ll get rid of murderable women in Ireland, and give everyone violent docking, coming in hard for free. The doctor held up my x-ray and I could just make out murderable women in Ireland. Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of murderable women in Ireland in its food processing operations. Murderable women in Ireland is great for close quarters combat. When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add murderable women in Ireland to the pan, while stirring constantly. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 6 at 15:17 PST
|
|
|
|
A new factory has opened to pump out {p}. A new factory has opened to pump out ribs. A new factory has opened to pump out Angelina Jolie’s lips. A new factory has opened to pump out stubby fingers. A new factory has opened to pump out our cute little gay faces. A new factory has opened to pump out pornstars. A new factory has opened to pump out high-voltage wires. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:10 PST
— Ed. Dec 8 at 16:11 PST
|
|
|
|
Doctor, you’re a genius! No one has ever thought to use fudge drizzle to treat depression! Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to fudge drizzle. I love your necklace! It’s fudge drizzle, right? Best New Artist of the Year goes to “DJ Fudge Drizzle”. I never shower without fudge drizzle. Don’t leave the door open! Fudge drizzle will get in. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:11 PST
— Ed. Dec 8 at 16:12 PST
|
|
|
|
“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried arriving by helicopter. James Bond will return in “The Man with Arriving by Helicopter”! The media’s nonstop coverage of arriving by helicopter is just to distract us from my VERY jealous, protective pet spider. The government should stop wasting my tax dollars on arriving by helicopter. A billboard on my way home had a picture of wet cat food and the words “Arriving by Helicopter”. The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by arriving by helicopter and then healthcare. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:13 PST
— Ed. Dec 8 at 16:13 PST
|
|
|
|
At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about {T}. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about That Sack of Shit. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about a Sex Swing Mishap. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Sucking a Rat Dry like a Furry Little Juice Box. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Being Hit by Space Debris. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about Greed, Secrets, Poison and Murder. At the Game Awards, Baldur's Gate 3 won Best Game about a Human-sized Hamster Ball. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:16 PST
|
|
|
|
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around a horny little rodent on the freeway. My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have a horny little rodent on the top. I got a horny little rodent as a pet! In North Korea, instead of streetlights, they have traffic ladies that stand in a horny little rodent in the middle of each intersection. Look, man, I’m not into a horny little rodent. But $20 is $20. In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from a horny little rodent. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:18 PST
|
|
|
|
Cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword There is no revenge so complete as cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword. Steve Jobs thought he could cure his cancer with cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword, a naturopathic remedy. The dog is barking at cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword again. It’s time to powerwash the remains of cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword off the driveway. The TSA is now mandating cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword on every commercial flight. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for cutting someone's head off with a samurai sword? |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 16:47 PST
|
|
|
|
Painting their name on their car In my state, painting their name on their car is a legal right for me and my native brothers. In Kentucky, stores can’t sell alcohol on holidays like Painting Their Name on Their Car Day. Painting their name on their car in the hand is worth two in the bush. Sorry to bother, but I heard you were talking about painting your name on your car over here. I love painting my name on my car! My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen painting their name on their car. Life is so strange. I went to college to learn painting their name on their car, but now I work at Wal*Mart. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 17:18 PST
— Ed. Dec 8 at 22:05 PST
|
|
|
|
I'm {v} against the advice of my doctor! I'm doing it again against the advice of my doctor! I'm wildly swinging middle fingers against the advice of my doctor! I'm giving good solid advice against the advice of my doctor! I'm rubbing my gland against the advice of my doctor! I'm showing mercy against the advice of my doctor! I'm catching one in the bum against the advice of my doctor! |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 17:23 PST
|
|
|
|
Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's {T} Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's a Can of Paint on a Rope Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's an Exploding Car Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's No Spider Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Moistness Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Getting Yelled at by Women Time! Hefeweizen's new slogan: It's Pulling on My Butthole Hairs Time! |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 8 at 17:26 PST
— Ed. Dec 8 at 17:26 PST
|
|
|
|
Do they make pills for tickling the hostages? 15% of married men say they’ve cheated by tickling the hostages with another woman. A guerrilla ad campaign for Netflix’s new show has people spotting tickling the hostages around town. Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS TICKLING THE HOSTAGES.” The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit sex and acquire tickling the hostages! My financial analyst has advised me to invest my fortune in tickling the hostages. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 9 at 10:20 PST
|
|
|
|
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS 3 NICE DUDES.” Today’s baseball game was called off when an irate fan threw 3 nice dudes at a player from the stands. Last night was the tragic result of 3 nice dudes. A salesman came to the door selling natural home birth. I didn’t open. He slid 3 nice dudes under the door. According to Irish tradition, it’s lucky to touch 3 nice dudes. The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate 3 nice dudes. |
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 9 at 11:10 PST
|
|
|
Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
|
New extreme Mountain Dew™ flavor: The Sex Dojo Blast! That kind of attitude is why we have the sex dojo now. Oh no! Mom sold the sex dojo at the charity shop! Gather round, family, it’s time to hang the sex dojo on the Christmas tree. The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for the sex dojo? Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by the sex dojo around the building.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
|
|
|
|
|
≡
|
Dec 9 at 19:55 PST
|
|
|
|
