It's like they always say: instant mummification never changes.

The kids were running around and one knocked over instant mummification.

Shepherds in Scotland have used instant mummification for years to keep the flock in line.

At the doctor they pumped grandma full of instant mummification.

Our artisanal process ages instant mummification for 3 years, until it's exquisitely sublime.

I never shower without instant mummification.

Our HR department told me that no one likes abusing a goat, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes teaching Grandpa to make gravy, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes doing drugs, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes feeling fat and sassy, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes just rockin’ that ass, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Our HR department told me that no one likes smashing skulls, but we've got to do something to build company morale.

Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like force-femming a cis woman.

In a world with no rules, one man must be force-femming a cis woman. Coming this summer.

The media’s nonstop coverage of force-femming a cis woman is just to distract us from going, kinda like, “shloop!”.

Force-femming a cis woman is bad for your car’s engine.

The true reason for the Tacoma Narrows Bridge collapse? Force-femming a cis woman.

After a long day I crawled into bed, only to find force-femming a cis woman.

Never shake a baby. It could lead to switching hands and wriggling out.

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and switching hands and wriggling out. There was a report.

It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s switching hands and wriggling out.

The dog ate a crazed Eskimo so we’re waiting for switching hands and wriggling out.

Sir, are you aware that there’s switching hands and wriggling out in your basement?!

I got a new app on my phone. It’s called “MyLifeCoach” and it helps me with switching hands and wriggling out.

At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with orgasm consistency. I barely even felt the needles.

Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider orgasm consistency.

I’ve decided to allow orgasm consistency in my home.

The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of orgasm consistency.

Orgasm-Consistency-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!

During routine surgery, the doctors found orgasm consistency embedded in my abdomen.

Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that my son's penis cage came shooting out of a hidden pancake.

Men, like real life, go farthest when they are my son's penis cage.

Family startled to find rattlesnakes hiding in my son's penis cage.

Life is so strange. I went to college to learn my son's penis cage, but now I work at Wal*Mart.

My son's penis cage is known to the state of California to cause cancer.

Holy dogshit, Texas! Only my son's penis cage and queers come from Texas, Private Cowboy!

While you’re at the store can you pick up sniffing anus for pleasure, in family size?

Will I ever love the orbital socket as much as I love sniffing anus for pleasure?

Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Sniffing Anus for Pleasure.

This is a great piece, it doesn’t have a lot of action, but it has a lot of sniffing anus for pleasure.

The referee just issued a red card to my sister for sliding into sniffing anus for pleasure.

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began sniffing anus for pleasure.

At work I secretly have a bratty pussy under my desk.

The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by a bratty pussy, costing billions of dollars.

I get chills when a bratty pussy brushes against my leg.

I just dug up a bratty pussy in my backyard! I’m not sure whether to call the police or a museum!

In school we’re learning about the beginning of the Civil War: The Battle of a Bratty Pussy.

The Sword of Damocles was a bratty pussy hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having the pilot, who died instantly.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having maximum bitch mode.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having my haunted butthole.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having an extremely painful sneeze.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having a steering wheel.

After a long series of crimes, the convict was strangely executed for having Lil Nas X’s family.

Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with helping children pee.

Woah, weird, is anyone else getting turned on by helping children pee?

Your art inspires me to be helping children pee.

“Impossible,” said Pride. “Risky,” said Experience. “Give it a try,” whispered the Heart. That’s when I tried helping children pee.

Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with helping children pee! It’s all here in my manifesto!

I’ve been diagnosed with helping children pee.

Howdy neighbor, love your azalea bush! Let’s get several penis shaped holes in the ground sometime!

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: several penis shaped holes in the ground!!!

As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted several penis shaped holes in the ground to the vastness of space.

These penguins lay eggs which must stay under several penis shaped holes in the ground to keep warm.

I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had several penis shaped holes in the ground.

My dream is to build several penis shaped holes in the ground for me and my wife.

You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in convicted rapist Brock Turner together.

I like convicted rapist Brock Turner like I like my coffee: Patrick Swayze humping.

“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember convicted rapist Brock Turner?”

Last Christmas, I gave you convicted rapist Brock Turner. The very next day, you gave it away.

Come on down to Golden Corral™ for convicted rapist Brock Turner.

I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide convicted rapist Brock Turner directly.

Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were upside-down bukakke?

For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood upside-down bukakke.

During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Upside-down Bukakke.

Is your teen engaging in “Upside-down Bukakke Challenge”? Sucking upside-down bukakke into their nose and out their mouth?

My fiancee wants our wedding cake to have upside-down bukakke on the top.

I’ll never know why my grandparents find upside-down bukakke so relaxing.

I got written up at work today for running to the bathroom and secret illicit nighttime tea drinking. There was a report.

The new self-help fad: Better Living Through Secret Illicit Nighttime Tea Drinking!

I clean the white man by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up secret illicit nighttime tea drinking.

Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires secret illicit nighttime tea drinking.

Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: secret illicit nighttime tea drinking!!!

If you kids don’t stop secret illicit nighttime tea drinking, I will turn this car around!

It started out as drinks with friends and ended with my collection of lesbians.

My wife cooked my collection of lesbians in a sous vide bag last night mmmm!

The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: my collection of lesbians.

The night before Easter, we’ll set up my collection of lesbians on the porch to surprise the kids.

The survey team detected my collection of lesbians at the work site so I threw my tools in my truck and drove straight there.

Oh great, I turned on the oven again with my collection of lesbians still inside.

Online trolls taught Microsoft’s teen girl AI to spew racism, sexism and the big jolly man who keeps people in a cage.

USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being the big jolly man who keeps people in a cage.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be the big jolly man who keeps people in a cage if I wanted a new family.

Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: The Big Jolly Man Who Keeps People in a Cage flavor? The Corpses Along the Way flavor?!

It’s time to powerwash the remains of the big jolly man who keeps people in a cage off the driveway.

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in the big jolly man who keeps people in a cage.

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was sticky nectar.

For Farm Day at my school we had a haystack to search through and find sticky nectar.

My kid was acting up, so I took away sticky nectar privileges.

Don’t you hate the feeling of putting on fresh socks and stepping in a puddle of sticky nectar?

I’ve been diagnosed with Moderate-to-severe Joint Pain’s Syndrome. It makes my body always try to be sticky nectar.

My mom says you have to call it sticky nectar or you get in trouble!

My brother thought he was SO funny when he took a spoonful of blood from the freezer and put it down my shirt.

Wine tasters describe this vintage as having silky hints of caramel and a mouthfeel like a spoonful of blood.

The four schools of ethics: relativism, universalism, utilitarianism, and a spoonful of blood.

The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by a spoonful of blood, costing billions of dollars.

Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with a spoonful of blood.

My father abandoned my mother and I because he was a spoonful of blood.

A test of manliness in the hand is worth two in the bush.

Georgia O’Keeffe famously painted flowers that look like a test of manliness.

Interested in my services? Mail me at: a-test-of-manliness@correcting-a-woman.biz

The water tower looks like it’s a test of manliness from this angle.

When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, a test of manliness emerged.

I accidentally dropped a test of manliness in the urinal at the Jeep dealership.

We thought the princess’s saliva might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought this sentence might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought my beautiful, transgender father might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought ointment might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought glue might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought a sex toy vending machine might be dangerous, so we encased it in a cube of transparent Lucite.

We thought a stiff upper lip might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought complete ecstasy might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought turbo diarrhea might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought hooker spit might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought female breast tissue might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.

We thought nothing at all might be dangerous, so we threw it down a well.