aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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The ultra kick that knocked all the people down The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and the ultra kick that knocked all the people down! Groovy!
“You didn’t even get me anything for my birthday!” “Yes I did, remember the ultra kick that knocked all the people down?”
Opioids help people with the ultra kick that knocked all the people down, but then they can’t poop.
It has been prophesized that the young king will eventually be killed by the ultra kick that knocked all the people down.
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... the ultra kick that knocked all the people down.
Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found the ultra kick that knocked all the people down in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?
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2022 Dec 4 at 02:33 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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Occasional autocannibalism These wounds were given to me by occasional autocannibalism.
Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like occasional autocannibalism.
It started out as drinks with friends and ended with occasional autocannibalism.
What the accounting department lacks in attractiveness, we make up for in occasional autocannibalism.
But of the tree of occasional autocannibalism you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
A woman is like a teabag. You can’t tell how strong she is until you put her in occasional autocannibalism.
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2022 Dec 6 at 05:01 UTC
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I will do anything for damaging my skin. But I won’t do Patrick Swayze making a clay pot with his butthole!
This land is damaging my skin land, this land is a syringe land.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: damaging my skin.
I bought the winning lottery numbers yesterday and now I can’t stop damaging my skin!
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was damaging my skin and tried to attack it.
Let Martha host your next party, providing damaging my skin like you’ve never experienced before.
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2022 Dec 9 at 22:45 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Dec 9 at 22:45 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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Getting ass fucked by the demon lord Don’t look at me while I’m getting ass fucked by the demon lord! It messes me up!
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into getting ass fucked by the demon lord, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove.
I always get caught getting ass fucked by the demon lord in the locker room. Sorry.
I feel like I’m being punished for getting ass fucked by the demon lord.
I will do anything for getting ass fucked by the demon lord. But I won’t do that!
Senator, give me getting ass fucked by the demon lord and you’ll get my vote.
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2022 Dec 13 at 18:22 UTC
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In future times, the children will work together to build worm power™️.
Gather round, family, it’s time to hang worm power™️ on the Christmas tree.
Every French soldier carries worm power™️ in his knapsack.
I heard you were talking about worm power™️ so I had to come over!
I like worm power™️ like I like my coffee: ground up and in the freezer!
Stick out your tongue and say, “I was born on worm power™️.”
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2022 Dec 26 at 18:39 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Dec 26 at 18:40 UTC
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Populations of endangered rhinoceros are threatened by my jaw hinges.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of my jaw hinges.
The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with my jaw hinges.
The patient screamed until, right on the operating table, his stomach burst open and my jaw hinges emerged!
What’s wrong with your brother? He walks like he’s my jaw hinges.
Alien cover-ups, false flag operations, and military experiments with my jaw hinges! It’s all here in my manifesto!
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2022 Dec 26 at 18:50 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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Hot lava that will kill you Introducing, The Hot Lava That Will Kill You diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
Tomorrow the city is throwing a ticker-tape to celebrate hot lava that will kill you.
This one simple trick is all you need to spice up the bedroom: hot lava that will kill you.
Men, like hot lava that will kill you, go farthest when they are a pipe bomb.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-hot-lava-that-will-kill-you, or even some kind of my-person scene.
The city condemned our house after finding hot lava that will kill you in the crawlspace.
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2022 Dec 27 at 04:42 UTC
— Ed. 2022 Dec 27 at 04:44 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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Command, we’ve got two choppers and Mario's mustache coming right at us. Please advise.
The strongest Sumo training technique is Mario's mustache.
Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with Mario's mustache until the end of the game!
Music without the sounds of Mario's mustache is hardly music at all.
The transferred sperm cells are kept in Mario's mustache, where they can remain viable for longer periods.
At the mall Santa kiosk, the elves were caught sneaking Mario's mustache into women’s purses and bags.
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2022 Dec 27 at 04:53 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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The god-slaying emperor blade I have the god-slaying emperor blade. The cat won’t stop staring at me.
We’re having the god-slaying emperor blade situation. Please stand by...
For girl scouts, my daughter went door-to-door giving everyone in my neighborhood the god-slaying emperor blade.
I bought the god-slaying emperor blade yesterday and now I can’t stop having no gag reflex!
The god-slaying emperor blade has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing.
A Russian couple taught a bear how to be the god-slaying emperor blade.
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2022 Dec 27 at 04:57 UTC
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Art can be defined by my VERY jealous, protective pet spider but only if it gets you going to Hooters and inspired.
Oh dear God! That was the last of my medication for “Going to Hooters” syndrome!
It is disrespectful and dangerous to go to Hooters during sex.
A lifetime of going to Hooters awaits. Call now for a free consultation.
Nancy Drew and the Mystery of Going to Hooters.
This land is delicate ladybrains land, this land is going to Hooters land.
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2022 Dec 30 at 08:08 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 3 at 21:24 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 819
175 ₧
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At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang " ". At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "gettin’ all up close".
At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "quick-set cement".
At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "a fistful of glitter".
At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "realizing I’m a douche".
At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "a beginner anal bead".
At Christmas, all us kids would gather 'round as grandpa sat at the piano and sang "little traps".
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2022 Dec 30 at 08:12 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Attending Mass to steal the wine Ok, I’ll admit a wiggly meat tube might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in attending Mass to steal the wine.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s attending Mass to steal the wine and I think I believe her!
Today at school the teacher asked us “what we want to be when we grow up?” I responded: attending Mass to steal the wine!!!
A BBC team has witnessed the effects of attending Mass to steal the wine on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
The fluids from my face story is a hoax! Just an excuse by the elites for attending Mass to steal the wine!
Up next, you won’t believe what our secret cameras caught: attending Mass to steal the wine.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Dec 31 at 18:19 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, room-temperature lava every single day.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s room-temperature lava.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate room-temperature lava.
My wife is WAY better at room-temperature lava than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Opinions are like room-temperature lava. Everybody’s got one and they all stink.
The sign at the fountain says not to throw room-temperature lava in.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Dec 31 at 18:21 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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A higher population of apes than twitter.com The new top grade of gasoline has a higher population of apes than twitter.com as an additive, which is actually really good for your car.
My new phone looks like it’s a higher population of apes than twitter.com but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see a higher population of apes than twitter.com spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.
But of the tree of a higher population of apes than twitter.com you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
The ‘blindness moth’ has adapted to feed on garbage, and hide under a higher population of apes than twitter.com in cities to spin its cocoon.
Until quite recently, a higher population of apes than twitter.com had the highest tensile strength of any substance known to man.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Dec 31 at 18:26 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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The horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip At the coffee shop they put “the horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
Alexander also named a city in India “The Horrifying Darkness of My Appalachian Camping Trip” after his dead horse.
The Sword of Damocles was the horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
The night before Easter, we’ll set up the horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip on the porch to surprise the kids.
I love your necklace! It’s the horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip, right?
I chipped my tooth. My dentist said I’m lucky it wasn’t the horrifying darkness of my Appalachian camping trip.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Dec 31 at 18:30 UTC
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Crytax
Ph. D in Cryonics
2006 Apr 26 • 703
11 ₧
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Hell's assisted living center My new phone looks like it’s Hell's assisted living center but I don’t mind. It makes calls.
The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served my family nothing but Hell's assisted living center.
I prayed to God for Hell's assisted living center, and God delivered!
The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of Hell's assisted living center.
These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of Hell's assisted living center: a night of unrestrained passion.
At the winery tour we saw how they put Hell's assisted living center and grapes in the tank.
What if Gillette WAS the best a man could get?
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2022 Dec 31 at 19:12 UTC
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TIPS for HERE!
1. Click on the # of posts on the previous page to jump to the end of the truck!
2. Hint your black card blanks:
_{n} for nouns and _{v} for verbs can really help with the random rolls. See the right box when posting
3. Format your black card blanks:
_{U} uppercase first letter
_{T} title case
_{UT} both!
Example
Hey! The Gays! And! Chugging NyQuil™!
Hey! Iron Maiden’s 747! And! Giving good solid advice!
Hey! A Number of Thrusts! And! Lifting off the toilet!
Hey! White Boys! And! Hiding some pee!
Hey! A Dog Boner! And! Going to Wendy’s!
Hey! My Vaginal Microbiome! And! Getting infected!
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2023 Jan 3 at 21:43 UTC
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As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be {n}! As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be a good thing for the heart!
As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be graffiti that says “FUCK YOU”!
As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be a mother whale!
As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be high heels!
As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be three carrots!
As I add cards I will fix the formatting but it's nicer if it's already correct!! Don't be a dream!
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2023 Jan 3 at 21:45 UTC
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A 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine I get chills when a 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine brushes against my leg.
The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to a 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine.
A 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine really messes up my butt complexion!
The Sword of Damocles was a 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-68-liter-V10-Ford-engine-coin”
Look, man, I’m not into a 6.8 liter V10 Ford engine. But $20 is $20.
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2023 Jan 4 at 20:36 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 4 at 20:40 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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Unwillingly giving Shrek head Pool rules: No running. No diving. No unwillingly giving Shrek head.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from unwillingly giving Shrek head.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like unwillingly giving Shrek head.
“D” is for unwillingly giving Shrek head.
Unwillingly giving Shrek head is always a contest when I’m involved.
I heard you can rent a friend in Tokyo, but only if one of you is unwillingly giving Shrek head.
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2023 Jan 4 at 20:40 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 819
175 ₧
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Do they make pills for my childhood crush?
Everything I need to live on a desert island: My childhood crush.
They don’t make my childhood crush like they used to!
During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize my childhood crush.
That new mmo is coming out next week and I’ve already reserved my name: xXmy-childhood-crushXx
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... my childhood crush.
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2023 Jan 5 at 04:57 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 5 at 05:30 UTC
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1474 I noticed symptoms of human extinction, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s a big dang deal!” but I’m not sure. 736 Music without the sounds of human extinction is hardly music at all. 1630 If you do human extinction right, all that matters is you have a good time. 2416 Do they make pills for human extinction? 1415 At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took human extinction to the funeral. 1648 Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS HUMAN EXTINCTION.” Haha beep boop! Extra text hehe!!
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2023 Jan 6 at 03:17 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 7 at 01:10 UTC
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 5102
1,227 ₧
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The pharmacist separated one of my skeletons into two parts, and gave me both. At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took one of my skeletons to the funeral. Soldiers in Afghanistan were deployed with one of my skeletons. Honey, you can’t keep putting one of my skeletons down the garbage disposal! These special lenses help you see the horrible truth of one of my skeletons: a crow in a blender. The media’s nonstop coverage of one of my skeletons is just to distract us from not knowing or caring why. |
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2023 Jan 6 at 03:58 UTC
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for Clam slammers! Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me Clam slammers and it’s getting weird. Sir, you have a phone call. Something about Clam slammers? When I told my father he shouted, “No daughter of mine is going out with Clam slammers!” The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of Clam slammers. This year’s hottest album is “Clam Slammers” by Breaking a Promise. |
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2023 Jan 6 at 07:56 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 6 at 07:57 UTC
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 27 • 819
175 ₧
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N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted {n}, but stood down when they realized it was {v}. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted so many freakin’ cats, but stood down when they realized it was vomiting gore all over your face. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a stalker, but stood down when they realized it was freezing solid. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted an ankle holster, but stood down when they realized it was assuming complete control. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a ripe body, but stood down when they realized it was hatching out of an egg. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted butter sauce, but stood down when they realized it was sneaking into the sultan’s harem. N.O.R.A.D. went to DEFCON-3 when they thought they spotted a gentleman with the tummy grumbles, but stood down when they realized it was jammin’ a body in the wood chipper. |
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2023 Jan 7 at 01:57 UTC
— Ed. 2023 Jan 7 at 01:58 UTC
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