We finally hired a guy at work to take care of nuclear weapons.
SpaceX is developing a machine to simulate nuclear weapons to prepare for a mission to Mars.
The dog is barking at nuclear weapons again.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with nuclear weapons in his lap.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a little spurt and acquire nuclear weapons!
This ship’s gonna sink unless we throw nuclear weapons overboard!

A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience six-year-olds like I was really there.
The Great Wall was actually built to keep six-year-olds out of mainland China.
Do you remember when we were kids, and the police shut the school, and we were six-year-olds?
Let’s wait for Mom to fall asleep, then we can sneak out and get six-year-olds.
I can’t swing a cat around here without hitting six-year-olds!
The transferred sperm cells are kept in six-year-olds, where they can remain viable for longer periods.

The city council wants to cut down on a city on fire after 8pm.
If I was God, you would be a city on fire.
My favorite new band is “A City on Fire”.
A city on fire can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
I’m getting a city on fire installed in my car, so I can use it while I drive.
At LAX travelers were horrified to see a city on fire spilling onto the baggage carousel, then one after another.

Strangely, right before Hitler killed himself, he had the Mad Scientist League killed as well.
Aunt Shasta usually brings the Mad Scientist League to the picnic.
The-Mad-Scientist-League-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
I didn’t know they made the Mad Scientist League in lemon flavor.
I like the Mad Scientist League like I like my coffee: kissing ass.
I couldn’t see the eclipse because of the Mad Scientist League in the sky.

Here on the assembly line we heat a "human robot" to a steaming, bright cherry red.
Vote for me and I’ll get rid of innocent women and children, and give everyone a "human robot" for free.
Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into a "human robot".
The weirdest thing about a "human robot" is that sometimes even girls have a "human robot".
Ah, a "human robot" for my collection. Now no one has more than me.
I want to be buried with a "human robot".

After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was the god of decaffeinated coffee.
Donald Trump’s first act as president was to outlaw the god of decaffeinated coffee.
Wolves don’t eat the god of decaffeinated coffee, and neither should kings.
The Japanese insist on their traditional right to hunt the god of decaffeinated coffee in the sea.
NASA spent millions developing a pen that could write in space. The Russians used the god of decaffeinated coffee.
My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen the god of decaffeinated coffee.

Don’t be carrying out a campaign of destruction alone! Join the Carrying out a Campaign of Destruction Club and do it with others.
Ha! You activated my trap card, you’re cursed with carrying out a campaign of destruction until the end of the game!
My brother and I started a business carrying out a campaign of destruction, since we’re so good at it.
Wolves don’t eat carrying out a campaign of destruction, and neither should kings.
The the most sensitive part of my body story is a hoax! Just an excuse by the elites for carrying out a campaign of destruction!
Carrying out a campaign of destruction gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.

After his weird, embarrassing defeat, the wrestler earned his nickname “a big ugly dude”
Music without the sounds of a big ugly dude is hardly music at all.
There’s always time for a big ugly dude before breakfast.
You stole a big ugly dude from a child?
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of a big ugly dude.
After a truck ran over a big ugly dude it was indistinguisable from road tar.

When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw a poofy wedding dress in the mirror! I’m so scared!
My car looks like it’s a poofy wedding dress but I don’t mind. It gets me from point A to point B.
I didn’t think this house would sell with a poofy wedding dress in the attic.
That new mmo is coming out next week and I’ve already reserved my name: xXa-poofy-wedding-dressXx
Howdy neighbor, love your azalea bush! Let’s get a poofy wedding dress sometime!
I thought I’d solve two problems at once by stuffing a poofy wedding dress down the gopher holes.

The pharmacist separated a space-helmeted, ape-like alien into two parts, and gave me both.
Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by a space-helmeted, ape-like alien around the building.
I don’t need love because I’m a space-helmeted, ape-like alien. Sorry mom!
Can you call poison control? My daughter just swallowed a space-helmeted, ape-like alien.
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that elbow grease came shooting out of a space-helmeted, ape-like alien.
My sisters were having a pillow fight. They didn’t know I had put a space-helmeted, ape-like alien in the pillows.

Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: Butter Sauce flavor? Slimegirls flavor?!
Give a man slimegirls and you feed him for a day. Give him a greased slope, and you feed him for a lifetime.
In the bathroom at the mall I dropped slimegirls in the toilet.
I bought slimegirls yesterday and now I can’t stop impregnating your five-year-old brother!
Here on the assembly line we heat slimegirls to a steaming, bright cherry red.
These snails have evolved to live underground without light or slimegirls.

The suspect’s pockets were full of pictures of booing and throwing things at the screen.
I’m booing and throwing things at the screen today because tomorrow I’ll be too busy with somersaults.
Art can be defined by booing and throwing things at the screen but only if it gets you shenanigans and inspired.
At the coffee shop they put “booing and throwing things at the screen” on my cup. I ran out covering my face.
The new intern is starting this week. Can you set up her workstation for booing and throwing things at the screen?
Blue Whaling: the disturbing internet trend in which teens commit suicide by booing and throwing things at the screen.

Now streaming on PornHub: Debby Does Untamed Youth.
3rd ave is closed due to the collision of a UPS truck full of untamed youth and a Fedex full of eels.
It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of untamed youth off the grill.
Senator, give me untamed youth and you’ll get my vote.
I went rafting, saw untamed youth in the river, no big deal.
Untamed youth is really getting all up in my business!

Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get peppy teen convicts removed from us both.
Ever since the accident, I freeze in terror at the sight of peppy teen convicts.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-peppy-teen-convicts, or even some kind of a-Russian-bride scene.
You’re not a mom! You’re just peppy teen convicts!
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with peppy teen convicts hanging in the window.
A weird glitch in the Oculus Rift demo caused me to experience peppy teen convicts like I was really there.

The Suez Canal has been completely blocked by rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians, costing billions of dollars.
Easy Mac is good, but the white cheddar one kinda tastes like rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians.
I can’t believe you forced my mom into rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians! She’s 62!
I need help with my computer! I downloaded rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians and now I’m having trouble opening my programs!
The city put in new road signs to indicate rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians just up ahead.
I bought rock-throwing Stone-Age Martians yesterday and now I can’t stop vomiting gore all over your face!

15% of married men say they’ve cheated by wearing rubber underwear with another woman.
I saw two hobos fighting over a mild orgasm behind the library. One of them was wearing rubber underwear.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from wearing rubber underwear.
I’ll never know why my grandparents find wearing rubber underwear so relaxing.
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS WEARING RUBBER UNDERWEAR.”
The new bill before congress would require wearing rubber underwear in all K-through-12 classrooms.

The new artsy indie game “Sloppy Seconds” is a deeply emotional exploration of the breathtaking car-parking sequence.
When I was a kid I used to take the breathtaking car-parking sequence into the bathroom with me.
In protest, Gandhi swore to abstain from the breathtaking car-parking sequence.
At least I was trying to cheer people up when I took the breathtaking car-parking sequence to the funeral.
Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires the breathtaking car-parking sequence.
My daughter came home crying because the kids at school said she was the breathtaking car-parking sequence.

The sign at the fountain says not to throw a lost continent in.
You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in a lost continent together.
I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a lost continent really affected me.
Scorpions can shed a lost continent in order to escape a predator... but doing so also removes their anus.
I never expected to be fingered by a lost continent.
The new artsy indie game “A Lost Continent” is a deeply emotional exploration of a touch.

Welcome to Denny’s®! Would you like to try our new special, a radioactive rocket?
I was surprised to find bones in a radioactive rocket. Is that normal?
Sometimes I feel out of place at the gym then I look to my left and see a radioactive rocket, and I feel better.
The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and a radioactive rocket! Groovy!
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “a radioactive rocket,” over and over again while in use.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “A-radioactive-rocket-coin”

Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “stumbling around drunk and high,” over and over again while in use.
My life coach told me that to maximise my positive energy flow, I should get stumbling around drunk and high.
Today you’re on the receiving end of stumbling around drunk and high.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is stumbling around drunk and high.
If you do stumbling around drunk and high right, all that matters is you have a good time.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in stumbling around drunk and high!

In 'Godzilla vs. a lovable grandfather', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, a big fat blunt, duuude!.
In 'Godzilla vs. illegal porn', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, a promise.
In 'Godzilla vs. white chocolate, if you know what I mean', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, reduced brain intelligence.
In 'Godzilla vs. a real sonuvabitch', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, more dishonesty.
In 'Godzilla vs. giggle shits', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, Mr. President.
In 'Godzilla vs. a Hitler moustache', Japan struggles to survive Godzilla's destructive battle against his ancient foe, the reanimated corpse of my neighbor.

Slender and muscled, like a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby. She was the spitting image of femininity.
Go, go, Gadget a Psychopathic, Deformed Man Abandoned by His Parents When He Was a Baby!
1) A robot may not injure a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby, or through inaction allow a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby to come to harm.
In the dressing room at Marshall’s, I found a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby sticking to the wall.
When the celestial spheres align, a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby will descend from the heavens.
There’s always time for a psychopathic, deformed man abandoned by his parents when he was a baby before breakfast.

"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, a sexual encounter, machine gun fire, kitchenware and food. Going up."
"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, toxic virginity, screaming, kitchenware and food. Going up."
"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, Mom’s feet, a traffic cone full of bibimbap, kitchenware and food. Going up."
"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, a falling chimney, a fridge full of heads, kitchenware and food. Going up."
"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, assassinating Kim Jong-un, the Army, kitchenware and food. Going up."
"Ground floor: Perfumery, stationary, the most humane action, falling into boiling water, kitchenware and food. Going up."

My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen killing off the only likeable character.
The Answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything: killing off the only likeable character.
I don’t give money to the homeless. Instead I provide killing off the only likeable character directly.
After Lincoln was shot, killing off the only likeable character briefly became the next president.
Art can be defined by killing off the only likeable character but only if it gets you a skull on a spike and inspired.
Don’t look at me while I’m killing off the only likeable character! It messes me up!

The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in a giant gila monster bursting through the wall.
Adult videos can have a vanilla scene, or girl-on-a-giant-gila-monster-bursting-through-the-wall, or even some kind of Christopher-Lloyd-holding-a-dog scene.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in a giant gila monster bursting through the wall!
When a giant gila monster bursting through the wall is ready, an accident will appear.
After a truck ran over a giant gila monster bursting through the wall it was indistinguisable from road tar.
The problem with America is a giant gila monster bursting through the wall.