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That's {n} you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start {v}. That's daddy in his underpants you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start fellating everything in the room.
That's wet dog smell you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start doing things to the body.
That's hands-free massage you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start seeing my penis twice.
That's body parts of celebrities you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start being carted away.
That's a berserk horse you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start poisoning a child.
That's a dense woolly undercoat over the chest you've got there. It'd be a shame if somewhere were to start rolling.
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2019 Oct 7 at 15:12 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 7 at 15:12 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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This food is so good it’s making spitroasting a lion quiver!
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Christopher Lloyd holding a dog; my musk; spitroasting a lion.
If you do it right, spitroasting a lion is all about bloodlust.
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is spitroasting a lion.
Someone get Michael! His girlfriend is drunk, up on the table, and she’s spitroasting a lion.
I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into the Mormon church, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll start spitroasting a lion.
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2019 Oct 8 at 21:34 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 8 at 21:49 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up {v}. The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up touching your vaggie while sleeping.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up breaking in.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up getting off.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up assassinating Kim Jong-un.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up writhing on the floor and screaming my name.
The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up trying to get away with murder.
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2019 Oct 8 at 21:55 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 8 at 21:56 PDT
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When the research team activated the interdimensional portal, boys only emerged.
That’s not funny. My dad was killed by boys only.
Life is so strange. I went to college to learn great tits, but now for work I’m boys only. Go figure!
Every French soldier carries boys only in his knapsack.
Can you come get me? I agreed to go with some guys who promised me boys only and it’s getting weird.
Boys only gets me into some awkward situations. But my middle pocket has always got my back.
People around the world recognize girls only as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
We’re having a gynecological procedure situation. Watch out for girls only and please stand by...
The president’s tweet reads: “The an injection story is a hoax! Just an excuse by girls only for brimming with babies! Very sad!”
Some anarchist made the sign over the expressway say “THE STATE IS GIRLS ONLY SNUGGLING WITH IAN MCKELLEN.”
Help! I’m girls only and I need YOU to do something about it!
Ever since girls only appeared in the neighborhood, I’ve felt uncomfortable while humping people.
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2019 Oct 9 at 11:07 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 9 at 11:07 PDT
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The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy {n}. The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy the jaws of life.
The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy black power.
The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy white people and their fucking problems.
The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy a squirming pile of Japanese robot sex dolls.
The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy a mindless animal response.
The Dallas Police Dept. says the suspect drove from Louisiana to buy my beautiful, transgender father.
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2019 Oct 9 at 11:09 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 9 at 11:13 PDT
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lol Gary those are both really good.
> If you do it right, spitroasting a lion is all about bloodlust.
> The last time my buddies and I were this drunk, the three of us and a sheep wound up assassinating Kim Jong-un.
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2019 Oct 9 at 13:03 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 9 at 13:03 PDT
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I can’t believe you forced my mom into gettin' raw dogged! She’s 62!
Doctor! My child has gettin' raw dogged coursing through his veins!
I heard you were talking about gettin' raw dogged so I had to come over!
Gettin' raw dogged is legally grounds for divorcing your wife in 28 states.
I didn’t think this house would sell with bodily harm in the attic. Anyway, I’m gettin' raw dogged.
The cruiseliner struck my toucan, going crazy and lost power, leaving hundreds of vacationers to deal with gettin' raw dogged.
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2019 Oct 9 at 13:12 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 9 at 13:12 PDT
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I’ll never know why my grandparents find little blue specks so relaxing.
Little blue specks slowly began to open and someone yelled, “It’s accepting us!”
During my time in the Navy I was taunted and called Mr. Little Blue Specks.
While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on little blue specks. I found him floppin’ out my baby door.
Thanks for little blue specks last night. *wink* *wink*
Little blue specks can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough.
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2019 Oct 9 at 13:14 PDT
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Screaming when the coffin arrives Then God said, “Let there be screaming when the coffin arrives”; and there was screaming when the coffin arrives. And God saw that screaming when the coffin arrives was good.
Sir, you have a phone call. Something about screaming when the coffin arrives?
Designed as a feature meant to enhance pleasure, the sex toy will robotically call out “screaming when the coffin arrives,” over and over again while in use.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s screaming when the coffin arrives and I think I believe her!
Screaming when the coffin arrives nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid snake jizz.
Dwayne Johnson has a secret tattoo that reads, “screaming when the coffin arrives,” with a picture of rude kids.
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2019 Oct 10 at 13:43 PDT
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Back in my day, we only had the gravy dimension for hair and scalp and we LIKED IT.
Make sure to hang hair and scalp in a tree so black lace leaves your tent alone.
In future times, the children will work together to build hair and scalp.
The area around Fukushima has become a ghost town with hair and scalp slowly overtaking the buildings.
Hair-and-Scalp-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
The new Harley-Davidson hog’s got breastfeeding painted on both sides, which some say encourages hair and scalp.
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2019 Oct 15 at 08:39 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 15 at 08:40 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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I went back in time and destroyed {n} before banging my own grandma. Whoops! I went back in time and destroyed giggling schoolgirls with cameras before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed the power of love before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed the big ol’ boys before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed loose teeth before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed something even wetter before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
I went back in time and destroyed a tiny bat crawling up your peehole before banging my own grandma. Whoops!
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2019 Oct 15 at 23:22 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 15 at 23:23 PDT
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More vitamin C than ten oranges Trying to put on my seat belt in the dark, I accidentally snapped it into more vitamin C than ten oranges.
They don’t make more vitamin C than ten oranges like they used to! This one doesn’t even have a list of names.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in an Amazon woman. That’s supposed to help me with more vitamin C than ten oranges?!
My teacher graded my paper F because I wrote about more vitamin C than ten oranges.
“Mommy, where do babies come from?” “Well, when there’s more vitamin C than ten oranges in love with all creation very much they do a... special hug.”
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s more vitamin C than ten oranges.
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2019 Oct 17 at 13:19 PDT
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Howdy neighbor, love yelling "DIE!"! Let’s get a real jerk-off sometime!
As the A.I. robot gained self-awareness, it immediately began yelling "DIE!".
Art can be defined by a sociopath but only if it gets you yelling "DIE!" and inspired.
My spirit animal: yelling "DIE!".
Our secret society is dedicated to elucidating the mysteries of wet dog smell yelling "DIE!".
If mom hears us talking about yelling "DIE!" we’ll be SO grounded!
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2019 Oct 17 at 13:22 PDT
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12th street is closed due to a man in a tree throwing my inflamed junk at cars and passers-by.
Art can be defined by seeking death but only if it gets you my inflamed junk and inspired.
Wife and I got a bit kinky last night. Ended up at the hospital to get my inflamed junk removed from her and 60 seconds removed from me.
We couldn’t land because of my inflamed junk caught in the landing gear. We had to crash land on the runway like just falling out of my bung hole.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift their own mothers over my head, but my inflamed junk got in the way.
The new hit reality show: Can You Swallow My Inflamed Junk?
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2019 Oct 18 at 19:46 PDT
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Bullying that beautiful little manatee I went to my step mom’s church and the priest blessed me with bullying that beautiful little manatee.
A couple in Memphis was arrested after allegedly bullying that beautiful little manatee right in front of their children.
President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began bullying that beautiful little manatee.
This party was a real snooze, until bullying that beautiful little manatee got things jumpin’.
At his last campaign rally, Bernie Sanders began bullying that beautiful little manatee in front of his top supporters.
This workplace has gone (0) days without bullying that beautiful little manatee.
I will do anything for my phone. But I won’t do that!
Daddy, what’s my phone? The kids at school say it about you and laugh.
In a miraculous 18-hour operation, a toddler from Ivory Coast had my phone removed so she can live a normal life.
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider my phone.
When my phone hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that’s amore!
Traffic is backed up for 7 miles due to an overturned semi hauling my phone. The driver was fighting one-on-one.
Should I be concerned about {n} playing so many Nirvana songs? Should I be concerned about raw goose playing so many Nirvana songs?
Should I be concerned about elbow grease playing so many Nirvana songs?
Should I be concerned about my displeasure playing so many Nirvana songs?
Should I be concerned about a dictionary for swears playing so many Nirvana songs?
Should I be concerned about a lovable grandfather playing so many Nirvana songs?
Should I be concerned about furries playing so many Nirvana songs?
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2019 Oct 27 at 13:23 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 27 at 13:31 PDT
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The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought {n} was inside. The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought quick-set cement was inside.
The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought a child predator was inside.
The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought spiders again was inside.
The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought good, Christian values was inside.
The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought the gays was inside.
The cops destroyed Leo Lech's house because they thought Jesus’s death was inside.
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2019 Oct 30 at 14:15 PDT
— Ed. 2019 Oct 30 at 14:18 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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They cut open the crocodile to find the lemurs we all love, still allowing babies to starve while you gorge like always.
An elevator nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid the lemurs we all love.
The TSA has made new rules mandating the lemurs we all love on every commercial flight.
Are you there God? It’s me, the lemurs we all love.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with the lemurs we all love in his lap.
The hottest new cryptocurrency is “The-lemurs-we-all-love-coin” -- but it can only be used for transactions involving dat ass.
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2019 Oct 31 at 00:39 PDT
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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Rare pulls from my booster box I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by rare pulls from my booster box.
The first item of evidence in The People vs. Rare Pulls from My Booster Box is earwig pincers.
Our artisanal process ages a lab-grown testicle for a wounded soldier for 3 years, before going right into rare pulls from my booster box, rapidly squirting acid.
I didn’t mean to start rare pulls from my booster box, it just happened!
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of rare pulls from my booster box.
Chase bank is giving out rare pulls from my booster box this week if you open an account and put $100 in it.
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2019 Nov 1 at 10:00 PDT
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Back alley butt surgery in the hand is worth two in the bush.
When I was bodybuilding I tried to dead-lift back alley butt surgery over my head, but insurance got in the way.
Back Alley Butt Surgery is an elite black ops unit of the United States Army that was established by mopping it up with your underpants.
At the urgent care clinic they distracted me with back alley butt surgery. I barely even felt Angelina Jolie’s lips.
The weirdest thing about back alley butt surgery is that sometimes even girls have back alley butt surgery.
For my last meal I want tight clothes seasoned lightly with back alley butt surgery.
A back alley butt surgeon When he reached the New World, Cortés burned a back alley butt surgeon. As a result, his men were well motivated.
I booby-trapped my yard so that trespassers will be surprised by a back alley butt surgeon.
Apparently, “a Back Alley Butt Surgeon” is a dance move in the Hip-Hop and B-Boy community.
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at a back alley butt surgeon and my card appeared in an extremely painful sneeze!
It’s huge. It’s wet. It’s sprawled out in the parking lot. It’s a back alley butt surgeon.
USGS seismologist Lucy Jones said the 5.1 quake has a 5% chance of being a back alley butt surgeon.
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2019 Nov 3 at 16:53 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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The colder of my two feet The new MacBook Pro weighs about as much as a gentle kiss on the teeth and comes with 1 USB-C port and the colder of my two feet! Groovy!
President Reagan and his entire cabinet got the colder of my two feet before every meeting.
No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in the colder of my two feet!
Daddy! There’s the colder of my two feet under my bed. Kill it kill it!
The media’s nonstop coverage of the colder of my two feet is just to distract us from a menacing spike.
I’ve been single ever since my girlfriend found out I had the colder of my two feet.
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2019 Nov 5 at 17:13 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 5 at 17:17 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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Redness, swelling, and blisters All the best love stories include redness, swelling, and blisters.
Meet me by the modern art installation downtown. You know, it’s sliced vegetables straddled by redness, swelling, and blisters.
My brother and I have finally decided to start a business doing redness, swelling, and blisters, since we’re so good at it.
Today the Senate is voting on redness, swelling, and blisters.
Ever since the incident with three carrots I’ve been haunted by redness, swelling, and blisters.
This year’s hottest album is “Redness, Swelling, and Blisters” by The Gravy Dimension.
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2019 Nov 5 at 20:09 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 5 at 20:09 PST
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A BBC team has witnessed the effects of more witnesses on civilians in rebel-held areas of Syria.
Is there a free outlet? I need to plug in and charge more witnesses.
But I promised I would get my kids more witnesses for Christmas!
I’m undergoing immersion therapy by continually exposing myself to more witnesses.
During routine surgery, the doctors found more witnesses embedded in my abdomen.
A good description of sex, suitable for children: Hooplah; more witnesses; scoring.
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2019 Nov 17 at 23:54 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 785
175 ₧
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One of my sexual partners Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at gurgling tar pits and my card appeared in one of my sexual partners!
In Kentucky stores can’t sell one of my sexual partners after 8pm, or on holidays like Passive-aggressive Tendencies Day.
Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called claws, are the passages for one of my sexual partners to flow.
Wine tasters describe this Pinot Grigio as having silky hints of a bunch of kids and a mouthfeel like one of my sexual partners.
As an homage to humanity, NASA has broadcasted one of my sexual partners to the vastness of space.
If you do it right, one of my sexual partners is all about doing things to the body.
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2019 Nov 19 at 22:08 PST
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Whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair I’m electric sex today because tomorrow I’ll be over-encumbered with whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair.
I’m NOT upgrading to the new iPhone now that Apple has announced it will have whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair.
We are going to taxidermy whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair to make a statue out of it!
The way to the lost city was perilous, and we soon found ourselves knee deep in whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair.
Sean Connery famously likes to spend his whole vacation in a beach chair with whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair in his lap.
My publisher demanded I remove whatever is just like, going on with Guy Fieri's hair from my manuscript because it’s “not decent.”
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2019 Nov 20 at 08:01 PST
— Ed. 2019 Nov 20 at 08:02 PST
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No thanks. My doctor said being forced to land makes defecation painful.
The police failed to catch the fleeing suspect because of being forced to land.
At the book signing, George R.R. Martin signed my copy of ‟A Song of Being Forced to Land”! I shook his hand and it felt like being forced to land.
My house. 8 o’clock. Being forced to land.
We have a zero tolerance policy for being forced to land here at Disney. So get a caring, understanding man and get out!
For my last meal I want a cage built for an autistic student seasoned lightly with being forced to land.
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2019 Nov 20 at 15:22 PST
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