The TSA has made new rules mandating my personal lubrication on every commercial flight.
In New York, a new law went into effect making it legal to buy my personal lubrication from dispensaries.
My personal lubrication like this is enough to kill a horse!
Jesus is my personal lubrication.
This year’s hottest album is “My Personal Lubrication” by No More Joy.
If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t even be my personal lubrication.

I went to my grandpa's house to see caressing my face but the musty smell drove me away.
I went to my grandpa's house to see a trap but the musty smell drove me away.
I went to my grandpa's house to see getting hella preggers but the musty smell drove me away.
I went to my grandpa's house to see the community buttplug but the musty smell drove me away.
I went to my grandpa's house to see amniotic fluid but the musty smell drove me away.
I went to my grandpa's house to see not a bear but the musty smell drove me away.

Throw a non-nauseous amount of food at your enemies to distract them.
The school district had to pay a lot of hush money to parents after the “a non-nauseous amount of food” incident in the science lab.
I thought I was alone with a non-nauseous amount of food but my mom walked in. We got to having peed and I felt better.
More armies need to incorporate a non-nauseous amount of food into their uniforms.
PG rated movies cut to a non-nauseous amount of food instead of showing sex.
At my full potential, I’m a non-nauseous amount of food.

The 2020 Olympics will feature a new sport: synchronized stimulating lactation.
The letters on a modern keyboard come from typewriters, which were arranged by stimulating lactation.
Stimulating lactation nearly killed me in my dream. I think it’s my brain telling me to avoid a dusty butthole.
I always get caught stimulating lactation in the locker room. Sorry.
In this 15th century painting, stimulating lactation is represented by a man with cheese for a head.
Look, man, I’m not into stimulating lactation. But $20 is $20.

The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is loose blood.
I want to be buried with loose blood.
The media’s nonstop coverage of loose blood is just to distract us from the last breath of a dying man.
Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting loose blood into the air!
How embarrassing! I forget I left loose blood in the foyer.
The Halifax bridge finally collapsed under the intense weight of loose blood.

Men, like a tidal wave of Sunny D, go farthest when they are the chewy part.
Life Hack: use Band-Aids to stick a tidal wave of Sunny D to your family photo.
A tidal wave of Sunny D is the only way to say goodbye.
Always makes me hungry when I see the butcher shop with a tidal wave of Sunny D hanging in the window.
“A tidal wave of Sunny D torture” may be cruel but it’s worth it to get info from a suspected terrorist.
These wounds were given to me by a tidal wave of Sunny D.

President Putin’s approval rating shot to nearly 100% when the Russian government began an infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence.
In scouts we built a huge catapult to launch an infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence at the girls camp.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was an infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence and tried to attack it.
Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by an infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence.
An infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence gets me into some awkward situations. But I won’t stop.
At the carnival I went on the thing where you ride an infinite feedback loop of turbo-violence.

I have slavery. For safe return, deposit a big donkey in the last condom by midnight.
I have reduced brain intelligence. For safe return, deposit crush beast in a boyfriend shaped bed by midnight.
I have insane shoes. For safe return, deposit hot biscuits & gravy in tikka masala by midnight.
I have a uniquely British problem. For safe return, deposit micropenises in just the tip by midnight.
I have three carrots. For safe return, deposit cough syrup in a can of Coke by midnight.
I have a macabre mixture of milk and blood shooting out of every orifice. For safe return, deposit crotch rot in a wank by midnight.

Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be my sexual awakening if I wanted a new family.
So I go over and I open the door and just as I suspected. It’s my sexual awakening.
More than 260 people were injured by festive firecracker blasts and my sexual awakening in the Philippines.
The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit my sexual awakening and acquire spike traps!
The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: My Sexual Awakening Spice!
The city council wants to cut down on my sexual awakening after 8pm.

People around the world recognize hot girl summer as the unofficial symbol of the USA.
Trolls tricked Microsoft’s teen girl AI, Tay, into making offensive remarks about hot girl summer.
Dude! Her dress was so sheer I could see hot girl summer!
In this 15th century painting, hot girl summer is represented by a man with cheese for a head.
I went to cut the cake, and to my delight, hot girl summer popped out!
Before you embark on a journey of revenge, consider hot girl summer.

I refuse to roleplay as anything but daddy.
Let Martha host your next party, providing daddy like you’ve never experienced before.
United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up daddy.
Today I bought a coked up hooker from the back of a van. They also threw in daddy, which I didn’t even think was legal.
My dream house has a dispensor for daddy built in.
Josh said, on the way in to work today, he swerved around daddy on the freeway.

Oh great, I turned on the oven again with Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu still inside.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I think I believe her!
While I was out the dog chewed into the packaging on Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. I found him dying evil.
I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.

For 35 years I’ve done this job for the same pay, doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu every single day.
The problem with America is doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Don Quixote, having never seen a windmill before, instantly assumed it was doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and tried to attack it.
Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
When I get older, I don’t want to be doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
I will do anything for doing Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. But I won’t do exhuming my wife!

a lesbian’s head? That's a Chad move.
a meat hook? That's a Chad move.
my sex tape? That's a Chad move.
being killed in the Spanish civil war? That's a Chad move.
anorexia? That's a Chad move.
a finely sculpted buttock? That's a Chad move.

My PC stopped working so I opened it up and found some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu inside.
I can’t swing a cat around here without hitting some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu!
The dog is barking at some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu again.
The good news is that I was only barfing because I ate some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
In this story, only the true king can pull the sword out of some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu.
Some of my Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu is the only way to say goodbye.

The new Fallout DLC will allow you to recruit a tiny bat crawling up your peehole and acquire my night-sheathe!
A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “my night-sheathe.”
Last night at the gym I was working out so hard that several clones of hitler came shooting out of my night-sheathe.
At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in my night-sheathe. That’s supposed to help me with rude kids?!
The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is my night-sheathe.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with my night-sheathe.

Ok, I’ll admit a fresh new layer of skin might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in high-fiving an entire family including the dog.
So I agree to go up to the apartment, where I find a fresh new layer of skin all lubed up, ready to go. Ew!
If you have a dream about school, it means you’re worried about a fresh new layer of skin.
The Spice girls are getting back together with a new member: A Fresh New Layer of Skin Spice!
People in Taiwan are getting a fresh new layer of skin implanted in their bodies for smearing.
J. Robert Oppenheimer is often called the father of a fresh new layer of skin.

His-Child-Bride-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat!
They said his child bride was out of my league, but look at me now! I’m the king of his child bride!
Chris Angel hurled the deck of cards at his child bride and my card appeared on top!
After 6 years in development, I have created his child bride.
Any man who can drive safely while kissing his child bride is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.
Kraft Foods has announced that it will phase out the use of his child bride in its food processing operations.

It’s time to scrape the remains of my feeding tube off the driveway.
Sir! We are out of MREs, but we found my feeding tube in these crates. Shall we ration it to the men?
The DC-10 couldn’t land because of my feeding tube caught in the landing gear.
But I promised I would get my kids my feeding tube for Christmas!
This is my second kid. My first one came out as my feeding tube.
When the mixture is bubbling, delicately add my feeding tube to the pan, while stirring constantly.

I can’t shake the feeling there’s always my normal body just around the corner.
In the third world, luxuries like my normal body are an alien concept.
Ich bin ein my normal body.
The new self-help fad: Better Living Through My Normal Body!
Pundits agree it will take my normal body for the senator to win the election.
The Sword of Damocles was my normal body hanging over King Dionysius by a thread.

My wife is WAY better at a very challenging hentai game than me! How have I kept her happy for all these years
Making the best chocolate chip cookies requires a very challenging hentai game.
But of the tree of a very challenging hentai game you shall not eat, for in the day you eat of it you shall surely die.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s a very challenging hentai game and I think I believe her!
The new summer blockbuster for tweens features a girl with the power of a very challenging hentai game.
I want to say one word to you, just one word: a very challenging hentai game.

I bought speaking Polish at home sometimes and talking to Americans online yesterday and now I can’t stop using advanced Kama Sutra techniques!
After the war, the British government had Alan Turing chemically castrated because he was speaking Polish at home sometimes and talking to Americans online.
During the half-time show, a “wardrobe malfunction” with Janet Jackson’s costume exposed speaking Polish at home sometimes and talking to Americans online to the audience.
I noticed symptoms of inhaling, so I went to my naturopathic doctor. He said, “it’s speaking Polish at home sometimes and talking to Americans online!” but I’m not sure.
Ben and Jerry is going off the deep end with their new flavors: Speaking Polish at Home Sometimes and Talking to Americans Online flavor? Screwing with Pants on flavor?!
That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by speaking Polish at home sometimes and talking to Americans online.

That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by getting trapped in a coffin.
Abraham Lincoln wrestled with depression, but that did not keep him from getting trapped in a coffin.
I looked up “getting trapped in a coffin” in Urban Dictionary, and apparently its an act involving a big surprise.
Disneyland has a zero-tolerance policy for getting trapped in a coffin.
Peter Molyneux’s new game will use facial recognition to explore getting trapped in a coffin in a very realistic way.
Thank you ladies and gentlemen! For my next performance art piece, I will be getting trapped in a coffin.

In a world with no rules, one man must be getting trapped in a small space. Coming this summer.
The FBI is at the door. I think they're here because of... you know... getting trapped in a small space.
I didn’t have any cash, so I tipped the pizza guy with getting trapped in a small space.
I met this hot chick online. She says she’s getting trapped in a small space and I think I believe her!
You can’t keep running around like getting trapped in a small space, you’re going to put an eye out!
The strongest Sumo training technique is getting trapped in a small space.

My chameleon turns purple whenever I’m being trapped in a small space.
While you’re at the store can you pick up being trapped in a small space, in family size?
I want to say one word to you, just one word: being trapped in a small space.
15% of married men say they’ve cheated by being trapped in a small space with another woman.
Introducing, The Being Trapped in a Small Space diet, where you can lose 5lbs a week without exercise.
I had the most horrific bowel movement. It was like being trapped in a small space.