Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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My nipples hardened when I felt su brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt the black president brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt Woman 2.0 brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt a human-sized hamster ball brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt an iceberg brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt your first time brush against my skin. My nipples hardened when I felt a hidden pancake brush against my skin. |
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Jan 16 at 00:54 PST
— Ed. Jan 16 at 00:56 PST
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There is a rumor that Marilyn Manson had an unsuccessful exorcism removed so he could dance with himself. The kids were running around and one knocked over an unsuccessful exorcism. I tried to get on the bus but every seat was taken up by an unsuccessful exorcism. After Lincoln was shot, an unsuccessful exorcism briefly became the next president. My father abandoned my mother and I because he was an unsuccessful exorcism. The biggest float in the Macy’s Parade this year is an unsuccessful exorcism. |
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Jan 16 at 02:17 PST
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Being gifted to Marie Antoinette When I went into the bathroom I swear I saw being gifted to Marie Antoinette in the mirror! I’m so scared! No wonder Dad lost his money, he invested in being gifted to Marie Antoinette! I actually clicked page 2 on Google cuz I was so desperate searching for being gifted to Marie Antoinette. The number one issue for voters is the economy, followed by being gifted to Marie Antoinette and then healthcare. Factory workers at Foxconn who leap out of windows will now be saved by being gifted to Marie Antoinette around the building. Surviving my overdose, from that day forward I’ve dedicated my life to being gifted to Marie Antoinette. |
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Jan 20 at 00:17 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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All the best love stories include my Karate sensei. My parents used to beat me with my Karate sensei. I just had to lay there and take it. Help! I’m my Karate sensei and I need YOU to do something about it! When I saw my Karate sensei I was nervous, but when it started coming toward me, just being a fucking beast, I freaked! The MacBook Air weighs 1.1 lbs and comes with a USB-C port and my Karate sensei! Groovy! A Freudian slip is when you mean to say your mother, but you accidentally say, “my Karate sensei.” |
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Jan 21 at 15:42 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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Went to Uwajimaya, bought the chalice of horrors, dried and in a bag. Wanna try? After Lincoln was shot, the chalice of horrors briefly became the next president. Mr. President, you have a phone call. Something about the chalice of horrors? At the coffee shop they put “the chalice of horrors” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in snake jizz. That’s supposed to help me with the chalice of horrors?! The sign at the fountain says not to throw the chalice of horrors in. |
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Jan 22 at 02:38 PST
— Ed. Jan 22 at 02:39 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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Expecting mothers often say a prayer to n that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to most of my blood that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to the key to my heart that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to wings that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to a built-in toilet that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to two VCRs that has been placed on the temple's altar. Expecting mothers often say a prayer to a clumsy lesbian that has been placed on the temple's altar. |
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Jan 22 at 02:41 PST
— Ed. Jan 22 at 02:45 PST
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I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife vf during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife showing mercy during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife looking like a sex offender during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife going missing during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife stealing a shark from the aquarium during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife masturbating furiously during out wedding vows. I'd be married if it weren't for my would-have-been-wife not listening during out wedding vows. |
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Jan 22 at 17:29 PST
— Ed. Jan 22 at 17:32 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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In prison we used to cook a cursed flute in the toilet. Back in my day, we only had a cursed flute for fun and we LIKED IT. The city council wants to cut down on a cursed flute after 8pm. A cursed flute has proven extremely popular among young, urban audiences in focus testing. World War III will be started by a cursed flute. Rush hadn’t started playing when a stage effect went off early, ejecting a cursed flute into the air! |
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Jan 24 at 16:00 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of pcf. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of insurance. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of the launch codes. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of less lasagna. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of spiders again. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of organic porpoise semen. In detention I had to sort my teacher's collection of qualms. |
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Jan 24 at 22:10 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into in. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a humorless Japanese businessman. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a gurgling anus. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into amputated eyelids. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into intersex children. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a hidden pancake. I fed my Mogwai after midnight and it turned into a bad landing. |
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Jan 25 at 15:42 PST
— Ed. Jan 25 at 15:43 PST
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Getting defecated on by Vince McMahon The TSA is now mandating getting defecated on by Vince McMahon on every commercial flight. The Chinese government has blocked all websites related to getting defecated on by Vince McMahon. You may not like it, but getting defecated on by Vince McMahon is just something you have to do every day. The people next door are very eco friendly! They even use getting defecated on by Vince McMahon as a toilet. Look, man, I’m not into getting defecated on by Vince McMahon. But $20 is $20. Don’t you know the lobbyists bribe all the senators with getting defecated on by Vince McMahon? |
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Jan 26 at 19:24 PST
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Going to find a strong man The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with going to find a strong man. The thief was caught stealing from the sultan, and so was thrown into the pit of going to find a strong man. That’s not funny. My sweet father was killed by going to find a strong man. Those hoodlums graffitied “going to find a strong man” on my mailbox again. It’s always nice to relive going to find a strong man in my mind. I think it’s lovely that you’re getting into going to find a strong man, but I won’t tell your father. He’ll disapprove. At the coffee shop they put “white people twerking” on my cup. I ran out covering my face. In Disneyland’s Toon Town, a brutal fight broke out among guests involving white people twerking. Don’t leave the door open! White people twerking will get in. Studies have shown even a little bit of white people twerking can change the teen brain. When the stadium was demolished it revealed white people twerking, bringing onlookers from far and wide. You know you have a strong relationship when you can share in white people twerking together. |
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Jan 28 at 17:33 PST
— Ed. Jan 28 at 17:36 PST
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Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of uc. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of Paul Hogan’s oiled chest. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of love. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of Schadenfreude. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of terminal illness. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of wet cat food. Amp up your turkey chili by stirring in a cup of breastfeeding. |
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Jan 28 at 20:20 PST
— Ed. Jan 28 at 20:21 PST
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United Airlines had a passenger beaten and dragged off a plane when he refused to give up getting gay married. The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: getting gay married. I would accept the internship at the Whitehouse, but I’m afraid the president will get gay married. Getting gay married in the hand is worth two in the bush. Ok, I’ll admit handling my mother might have been a bad idea. But to be fair, I didn’t expect it to result in getting gay married. Ever since I got back from Mexico I’ve been really into getting gay married. |
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Jan 29 at 14:26 PST
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I 3d printed my lord in hell! The shockwave from the mishap at the fireworks factory shattered windows and caused my lord in hell in the streets. During the war, German scientists experimented to weaponize my lord in hell. I talked to God and there will be my lord in hell in the apocalypse. My girlfriend was getting shoes out of the closet. Lucky she didn’t look up, or she’d have seen my lord in hell. During his midlife crisis, my dad really got into my lord in hell. |
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Jan 29 at 20:20 PST
— Ed. Jan 29 at 20:20 PST
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A 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood Always hold on to a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood to remember me. The only thing we could all agree on for a pizza topping: a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood. It’s taking forever to scrape the remains of a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood off the grill. I had a really good childhood up until I was nine, then a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood really affected me. I found a hidden room in grandpa’s house. It’s full of a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood. Turmoil at Samsung Corp: Several high-ranking employees fired for a 4’ by 8’ sheet of plywood. |
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Jan 29 at 20:21 PST
— Ed. Jan 29 at 20:21 PST
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Growing up in the foster care system, I learned to be like, “So?” if I wanted a new family. Charlie Rose has been fired after reportedly being like, “So?” dozens of times. All the best love stories include being like, “So?”. Leopards are smaller than most of the Panthera genus, but they are able to take large prey due to being like, “So?”. I never shower without being like, “So?”. I can’t believe you forced my mom into being like, “So?”! She’s 62! |
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Jan 29 at 20:24 PST
— Ed. Jan 29 at 20:24 PST
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These are my children: UTi and UTi Jr. These are my children: Hog Dander and An Eyebrow Jr. These are my children: Vole Milk and Endangered Animals Jr. These are my children: Crawling Under the Bed and Getting the Fuck Out of the Way Jr. These are my children: Sizzling Assholes and Accepting Any Crap Without Opposing Thoughts Jr. These are my children: A Powerful Skeleton, William Howard Taft and A Satisfying Public Execution Jr. These are my children: A River and A Slut Who Will Do Anything Jr. |
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Feb 1 at 16:23 PST
— Ed. Feb 1 at 16:23 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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An inchoate mass of feline ooze Craft idea: use Band-Aids to stick an inchoate mass of feline ooze to your family photo. My kid was acting up, so I took away an inchoate mass of feline ooze privileges. Slender and muscled, like an inchoate mass of feline ooze. She was the spitting image of femininity. At the acupuncture clinic they stuck needles in innocent women and children. That’s supposed to help me with an inchoate mass of feline ooze?! I’m sure I tossed an inchoate mass of feline ooze in this dumpster somewhere. An-Inchoate-Mass-of-Feline-Ooze-a-Roni: the San Francisco treat! |
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Feb 6 at 08:46 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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An ostentatious gay porn star Everything I need to live on a desert island: An ostentatious gay porn star and the white bitch. The N64 was Nintendo’s first console with an ostentatious gay porn star. Trapped again, MacGyver began his escape with only an ostentatious gay porn star and chewing gum. Don’t leave the door open! An ostentatious gay porn star will get in. No thanks. My doctor said an ostentatious gay porn star is bad for the heart. People are freaking out because the new Happy Meal PEZ® dispenser is an ostentatious gay porn star. |
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Feb 6 at 19:39 PST
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Repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah" I Googled for repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah" and found a picture of myself. I clean a padlocked gimp mask by putting it in the dishwasher. It usually doesn’t end up repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah". Sky watchers are excited to gaze upon the Super Blood Moon, which is caused by repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah". I love children because you can never tell if they are repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah" or sexting grandpa. Move over, girls! Hasbro has created Repeatedly Muttering "fuck Yeah": Boy Edition. I strongly believe that every scene of a movie should end with repeatedly muttering "fuck yeah". |
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Feb 7 at 10:53 PST
— Ed. Feb 7 at 10:54 PST
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Nezumi
Asshole Admin
2005 Mar 26 • 786
175 ₧
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Can't remember if we have one of these, so...
After summoning a demon, you should offer su as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer a madhouse! A madhouse! as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer another way to kill me as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer half a spider as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer a thought as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer my other kidney as a sacrifice. After summoning a demon, you should offer a child leash as a sacrifice. |
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Feb 9 at 12:32 PST
— Ed. Feb 9 at 12:34 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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A recognized standard for pony conventions Aww! My mom packed a terrible lunch: A recognized standard for pony conventions and apple slices. When I get older, I don’t want to be a recognized standard for pony conventions. The cineplex has been using a recognized standard for pony conventions in the popcorn machine because it’s cheaper than oil. Since I deserve it, I am going to reward myself with a recognized standard for pony conventions. At work I secretly have a recognized standard for pony conventions under my desk. I saw two hobos fighting over a recognized standard for pony conventions behind the library. One of them was praying. |
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Feb 9 at 21:48 PST
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aaronjer
*****'n Admin
2005 Mar 21 • 4940
1,227 ₧
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No one in Morocco can have well seasoned roadkill without registering with the government. Huge scandal this week as the PM of Australia was caught with well seasoned roadkill. Rocky tubes inside the volcano, sometimes called “sex friends,” are the passages for well seasoned roadkill to flow. Well seasoned roadkill can be used as a dildo, if you’re brave enough. A new study found that giving employees well seasoned roadkill can motivate them more than a cash bonus. A sea cucumber can eject well seasoned roadkill from its anus in self-defense. |
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Feb 11 at 07:22 PST
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Always walk into an interview with confidence and Larry David's glasses, and you’ll get the job. When the celestial spheres align, Larry David's glasses will descend from the heavens. If you want your guests to feel at home, leave Larry David's glasses on the toilet. Ariana Grande wore Larry David's glasses on tour and fans are going nuts. Sweating, groaning and screaming in the streets. Larry David's glasses in the sheets. These wounds were given to me by Larry David's glasses. |
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Feb 13 at 13:36 PST
— Ed. Feb 13 at 13:41 PST
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